(no subject)
It's weird. I can feel myself changing. I'm starting to see parts of me that I haven't seen since my dad passed away. It's a good thing. I lost the carefree, never worried about what other people think, funny kid when he died. It was replaced with a shy, scared, sad girl who wouldn't trust anyone. And it bothered me, but there was nothing I could do. Now the tides are changing and it's like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. After he died, I started to get nervous and tense around new people. And it took forever for me to let them in. But now I can see that I'm starting to trust a little easier. Don't get me wrong, I still have a hard time letting people in. But I'm not at tense and shy around new people. And I'm so relieved because it was holding me back.
I don't think people realize the magnitude that the loss of a parent has on a kid. It doesn't just happen and it's over. There is the initial inpact, but then there are ripple effects throughout the rest of our lives. I dunno where this is coming from. I miss my dad. I put on my mom and dad's wedding video tonight. It was right at the part where he was dancing. The tears just started flowing. I remember when he used to do the Oklin dance down the hall way. I guess I put myself through the torture by putting the video on. But videos are all I have left of him. In the video, he was dancing with my cousin Kriste, who was a flowergirl. It made me sad because I wish that I had video of he and I dancing together. When I was younger, he would come into the living room and grab my hand and waltz with me. I didn't realize how much I missed that until now. When he used to do it, I would always protest and tell him it was stupid. But I'd give anything to dance with him one more time. Funny how things don't mean as much to you until that person isn't around to do it anymore. I brought 3 homes movies with me to school, my 2nd birthday, my 1st communion and their wedding. I pull them out sometimes when no one is around. It's just me and my memories.
I've felt so weird since I got back from camp. I've been thinking alot more about my dad, which is a change from the summer when I was thinking about my brother alot more. I question if he's up there in heaven watching over me. When I was flying back from VA after camp, I had 3 hours to look out the window at the clouds. For some reason I feel closer to him when I'm up there. It's funny, the song I posted earlier really got me. I remember when I was 6, "Mr. Dairy Queen" died. He was the owner of a Dairy Queen by us, who was really awesome. He looked like Santa and he would always let me come behind the counter and eat cherries and chocolate chips. When my mom broke the news to me, she told me that God needed him in heaven to make ice cream for the angels. And it comforted me, in my 6 year old mind, to know that the angels were going to get to eat ice cream too. Then when my dad died, she brought it up again. She said that obviously God needed him for something up there that was much more important. But it infuriated me instead of comforted me because I didn't understand what could be more important than being my dad. Now, I can look forward and see that maybe there was something more important. When my dad died, it changed the course of my life drastically. It was a change that can never be reversed. But I don't think I would want it to be. I am who I am today because of his death. And I am happy with who I've become. I believe now that his last gift to me was Comfort Zone Camp. I would have never become involved if he hadn't passed away. Now Comfort Zone is like an extended family.
I know he would be proud of everything I've accomplished and who I've become, even if it may have taken a while to get here. There's never a day that goes by that I don't think of him, not to mention my uncle and grandpa. They have all shaped me into the person I've become today. My uncle taught me about compassion, strength and tolerance. Even though he lived in California, he was the only uncle I've ever gotten close to. My grandpa taught me patience and kindness. And I can still hear his laugh echo in my head. Both of their deaths were hard for me because they were long-term illnesses. My uncle never gave up the fight and I know that me being the last person to talk to him on the phone was his gift to me, blessing in disguise. My grandpa on the other hand, was different. Alzheimers slowly took him away from me. I don't remember him without it, but the times we shared are times that I would never trade for anything. My dad taught me to always follow my dreams, where ever they would take me, and he taught me about how to survive in the real world. I miss them every day and I don't think that'll ever chance. But I don't want it to either. I don't want any of them to ever be forgotten because they are 3 unforgettable people that I was blessed to get a chance to know and love.
In Memory of
Oke F.W.Backstrom----11-25-1999
James "Jimmy" Perry----12-23-1995
Paul "Grandpy" S. Perry-----01-11-2002
My Dad and my Uncle Jimmy trying to throw me into a fountain in Las Vegas.
My Dad, My grandma, My grandpy and I in Disney World before he went into the Veteran's Hospital.
I've been at the desk since 2am and now it's almost 5. Only an hour left and I can finally go to sleep.....