A piece of EroPi for soulsoul

[pi_chan_mod]

Gift Fic for soulsoul

Title: Prove to me your Love
Pairing: PiKame
Rating/Warning: Pg-13
Summary: When is the right time to say that you are in love? When is the right time to be in love? Love sure is a mystery… confusing. But other than that, when is the right time to say that you are okay? When is the right time to say ‘I have fully moved on’? Why do people have to go through pain to be happy?
Note: This was written for soulsoul!



Yamapi POV

Seeing my friends cracking jokes amongst each other, I can’t help but drift off with my gaze, staring out the window, not looking at anything in particular, but taking in the picture in front of me. Several groups of people are outside, some of them talking amongst each other, some just walking by. I feel so numb and weak but as usual I try to act like I’m alright. My friends know me for being strong and I want to keep that image intact. Plus, as I’m visiting university and working on my thesis right now I can’t afford to break down.

Why I would break down?

A few days ago I had a talk with the one I love. His name is Kamenashi Kazuya. Yeah, I know we are both men. My friends are aware of that too, but fortunately they are sympathetic, always supporting me. My lips curve into a smile and I’m laughing along with my friends, pretending that I’m paying attention to them even though my mind is actually miles away. I remember clearly what he told me.

“I’m in love with someone else,” he told me as I sat across him.

“So what?” I acted indifferent, but deep inside my heart was breaking. “We are no longer together. Why are you telling me this?”

You see, we had broken up a while before that talk. “Inconsolable differences”, you might say. I had been trying to convince him to make our relationship official. I’d had enough of our relationship being a secret. It hurt to see him every day, yet at the same time being unable to hold him whenever I wanted to. I wanted him to be proud of us but….he was not. I know, before we got together he was straight. It’s a bit weird, because he was the one who confessed to me. And then, just that considerable time later he told me that he liked someone else.

“Pi, I felt that we had something special,” he spoke again.

“Then why didn’t you want to be all out? If you love me, why do we have to hide our relationship from your friends… from everyone?” I asked, doing my best not to break down crying.

“They won’t understand,” he said, looking away. “And just like I said, I’m in love with someone else now.”

I didn’t want to hear that, but I did, of course, and his voice rang in my ears even after it had long faded out. It hurt me, but what he said next made the pain even worse. “We can still be friends.”

I gripped my phone tightly, which I’d been plying with. “No, I don’t want to be friends.”

“Do you love me?” he asked, making me looked at him.

“Yes, I do love you,” I said as my voice softened.

“Can you prove it?”

I couldn’t help but sigh. “I already proved it to you so many times, Kazu. I think it is time to turn the tables.”

“If we did, what would happen? Your friends don’t like me,” he said and I knew that much was true.

“Because they see that you’re hurting me,” I answered honestly. “Every time we break up I will welcome you back with open arms after just a few days, as if nothing ever happened.”

“I can’t help doing what I do - or acting the way I do. Even when I run after we had a fight and then come back later for the warmth of your arms. That’s just me. It’s who I am and you can’t change it,” he said, sighing.

“But I still love you in spite of that” I said as I looked at my friends’ table not far from us then back to him.

“Well this is me,” he repeated.

“Yeah, fuck me for loving you,” I said. The pain was growing.

“To be quite honest, I don’t like your friends either,” he blurted out.

Oh, that pretty much did it. You can say anything against me, but leave my friends clean out of it or I’ll rip out your throat. I glared at him. “At least they accept me the way I am. The real me. The person I am and can’t help being, as you so eloquently explained before. I don’t need to pretend or hide who and what I am.”

Kame chuckled. “Do you love me or not?” he asked again.

“I do love you, you know that,” I said, looking straight into his eyes. Those brown orbs that I love to gaze into so much.

“Kiss me,” he commanded.

“What?” He was making me confused.

Even without looking I know his friends were sitting behind me, not too far from us. “Kiss me and prove to me that you love me,” he said again.

“I don’t need to prove anything to you, because I already did.”

Then there was a long silence. I continued to grip my phone as my heart continued to break.

“I love you,” he started, “...but I can no longer feel that special connection,” Kame added, looking away.
“To be honest, I am not yet allowed to have a relationship. My family thinks that I’m still immature and….” He paused and I waited for him to continue. “And I already have a son. The kid wants to know who his mother is. He wants to meet her one day. I just cannot just tell him about us. It would be so hard for him and you would get hurt… both of you would get hurt.”

Son?

I really didn’t know if I should believe him. I’d heard things about him being a ladies’ man but I never would have expected what he told me. Then I remembered what my friend told me.

“Tegoshi told me that you didn’t really leave when you told me you left the country,” I said, getting his attention. “And he told me about the bet.”

“I…I- I did leave, but I got back earlier than I thought. I just got back from my trip when he saw me.” I could tell that he was not telling me the truth. He always did that - finding elegant excuses for what he did. “About the bet, it was only a cover. Tegoshi was starting to talk about us and I was afraid that he might say something…”

“So you decided to lie!” I said. My heart was aching so bad, it was painful to even talk.

“Look, I know you have a reputation to hold and so do I. If I let Tegoshi talk, they would...”

“What? Find out that something already happened between us? Kazu, if they are your true friends, they won’t mind you being gay,” I said as anger and pain were mixing.

“Let’s… just be friends, okay?” he asked, looking at me with his pleading eyes. I remembered how he used that look to make me say yes.

“Yeah, friends,” I said sarcastically. “Then what?!” I became serious once more. “You will act as if you don’t know me! I don’t want to be friends with you. I can’t, not after all the things that happened between us. Kazu, I can’t just be friend with someone I love,” I said, lowering my head. Every breath was piercing my heart.

“I’m sorry, look I have to go,” he said as he offered me a shake hands.

“Just go.”

“Please, I want to do this properly.”

“I don’t need a shake hands. If you want to leave, then leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere as long as you don’t shake hands with me,” Kame said, making me look at him.

“Do me a favour, delete my number,” I said, shaking his hand and leaving first without looking back at him.

----

Going to near 7/11 store at university, I see him and his friends laughing. I feel my heart aching again. Still fresh, there are too many wounds to heal. I need to be strong. I’ve been in this situation before. Looking at my friend, Yuki is staring at me with worried eyes.

“Are you okay Pi?” she asks.

“Yeah, just didn’t have enough sleep,” I say, smiling at her.

“Are you sure?” Yuki asks again.

“Yes I’m sure,” I confirm, ruffling her hair. She is like my little sister, since Rina, my real little sister, isn’t around.

Then I see him looking at us. Ignoring Kame’s gaze I continue to smile at Yuki. I wonder if he might be jealous.

In class, being classmates with two of his friends I try my best to act normal, which I manage successfully. Not only am I acted normal, I can still maintain my high grades. But there are times when I will break down and cry while I’m in my room alone.

Weeks, then months pass by and I barely see him. Rather than healing the wounds, the passing time makes me me miss him. I know I shouldn’t after all the heart-ache he caused, but I still love him. It is hard, but I’m trying to move on. I already accepted the fact that he no longer loves me. Recently I heard that he has a girlfriend now.

I’ve seen them together too. I was sitting in a taxi when I saw them. They stood on the side walk, Kame’s arms around her. The girl is beautiful, has a slender body. They look good together. I wanted to tell the taxi driver to stop, but I knew perfectly well that it was really him without confirming. My eyes widened as I saw him kissed her. I suddenly felt my cold finger touching my lips.

Those lips used to kiss me.

Those arms used to be around me.

Kame used to be mine.

Mine? Was he really mine? Or it was just me who thought that he was mine.

The image of them together is stuck in my head and I can feel the pain again and I know that it will be there for quite a long time. I try to act normal again, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

God what did I do?

Why is he no longer with me?

Did he love me?

So many questions in my head but none of them can be answered. I’m jealous of that girl. From what I have seen, Kame is proud to tell the world that the girl is his girlfriend.

Arriving at the campus, I am greeted by Tegoshi and Yuki’s sweet smile. They are complaining about our thesis, making me rolled my eyes. I know they will go on about that forever.

“Look guys, calm down. We will finish this in no time,” I said, smiling at them. Then it gets hard to maintain that smile as I see Kame with the girl I remember walking by and holding hands. People are looking at them. Well who wouldn’t? They look like they perfect couple, like they were made for each other. “Hey! I’m heading to the library, are you guys coming?” I ask my friends. I need to distract myself.

I love you.

The words echo in my mind as I take a sideway glance to him as I walk away.

FOCUS!

I keep on repeating that in my mind, but it’s no good. I cannot… focus. At least not on my thesis as I’m sitting in the library. His friends are seated next to our table. The thought of Kame coming in with his girlfriend while I’m here is messing up my head. I don’t want to see them. It’s still too early for me to see him with someone. They do not come - but I still can’t focus.

Another week has pass and I feel the same, I still miss him and it still hurts to see him with her. I wish I could be her for a couple of hours so I would know how it feels to be loved by Kame, how it feels to be openly loved by him.

Tegoshi told me that he heard Kame’s friend talking about me, that the reason why Kame went out with me was to win a bet. When I found out about it, my throat went dry.

I know that he was telling the truth, Tegoshi will not lie to me. When Kame and I were still together I could feel the distance between me and him. I felt cold every time I watched him walking away from me. I could feel it in the way he touched me, the way he treated me. Yes I know that he doesn’t love me. Never did. Despite that I still let myself fall for him, wishing that he will somehow fall for me too.

However, I am the only one of us who wants to fight for our relationship. I swallowed my pride just to have him. But I‘ve had enough; I can no longer tolerate the pain.

Collecting all the courage I can muster, I decide to accept reality and move on.

Am I Giving up?

No, I’m not giving up; I just learned to accept that he is no longer mine, that he doesn’t love me and that he is in love with someone else.

Why I’m doing this?

Because there is no longer a reason for me to fight for him. He already proposed to her. I saw how he knelt down and asked the big question. I ran as fast as I could. I can’t describe how painful it was. So painful that I felt numb.

Months pass by in a blink. I graduated, together with my friends. We made it, finally.

BUT.

The pain is still there, not a day has passed without him crossing my mind. I still have unanswered questions in my mind, but to be honest I’m feeling much better. I can no longer see him, maybe this way I can fully move on. I just can’t wait to be free from this misery. My heart is tired of getting hurt, it needs some rest. A long vacation.

8 years later…

“Hey! Yamapi!!!” Yuki yells on top of her lungs.

“WHAT?!” I ask.

“Hurry up, my Tegoshi is waiting,” she replies, giggling. Would you believe that a year after we graduated Tegoshi confessed to Yuki? I’m telling you, it was funny how Tegoshi told her that he is in love with her.

“Yes!” I reply with a salute.

It‘s kind of hard to run in the sand. You see, we’re in Hawaii, celebrating their anniversary - and did I mention that Yuki is pregnant?

This time I can tell that I’m happy, I’ve been in two relationships since we left school. Well, none of them really worked out in the end, but nothing ever ended like me and Kame, which had left me so crushed. About Kame, I already forgave him for the pain he caused me, but I will never forget him. No matter what I do, he is still a part of my life, one that will influence me forever. If only I could erase him to my mind completely.

I’m looking at the ocean. It’s beautiful. My lips curve into a smile. Finally my life is on the right way - or NOT?

After a day of unpacking, sightseeing and shopping, I‘m pretty exhausted. Maybe my mind is filling with weird thoughts.

“Oh come on, you two,” my pregnant friend pouted. “Don’t tell me you are tired?”

“As much as I love you, I really am tired. We’ve been wandering around for three hours” Tegoshi says and I give him a high five.

“I agree with him,” I say as Tegoshi and I try to laugh, but we are too tired, even for that.

“Fine! Then I’ll go on my own,” Yuki said, strutting out of the room.

“I..I..god, my feet hurt,” Tegoshi stutters. “We should follow her.”

“We? She is your wife. And are you sure she is pregnant?” I say, making him sigh.

“Yes, she is pregnant,” he replies, standing up and following his wife.

It sure feels good to just relax and have fun, and to top it off, the beautiful view makes everything perfect. Still, I bet it would be even more perfect, if I could share it with someone. I’m not denying it, I miss the feeling of having someone to love, someone to care about and protect. And someone to share with.

Kame‘s face suddenly flashes in front of my mind. After all these years I can still feel the pain. When will it go away?

The next day, the sun is up and the waves are perfect for surfing. After enjoying the waves, I see Yuki walking alone. This pregnant woman sure is very active and loves to walk around.

“Hey,” I say in my manly voice.

“Hi, Pi-chan,” she replies, smiling at me.

“You are not supposed to wander around all alone,” I say, holding her protectively. We don’t want anything bad to happen to her, right? I can see Tegoshi’s face if he found out that something bad happened to Yuki and their unborn child. “What the hell you are doing anyway?”

With that asked her smile grows bigger. “Well, remember the jewellery shop we went to yesterday?” I nod. “I bought something for Tegoshi there. For tonight.”

“Oh yeah, you two are celebrating your anniversary,” I say, smiling at her.

“Yes, want to see it?” she asks.

“Sure.”

“On second thought, you just have to wait,” she teases, making my mouth hang open.

“That is mean,” I say, tickling her sides.

“Hey stop that,” she says between laughs, making the paper bag fall.

“Here, you dropped this,” a guy says in English as he picks up the item and hands it back to Yuki.

“Thank you,” Yuki says, but her smile fades, looking at the guy who helped her.

“Kazuya,” I say.

“Hi, Pi” he says in a low voice.

My heart skips a beat, but why? “Hi,” I stutter, not knowing what to say.

I feel everything coming back to me. All the feelings… including the pain.

“You look good,” he says.

“Thanks. You too,” I answer.

I see him looking at Yuki and the big baby bump that she has. Awkward silence follows. “Ahm, Pi I think we should go,” Yuki says.

“Bye, Kame.”

“See you ‘round,” I hear him say.

I feel a grip on my hand, making me look at Yuki, who looks worried. “Are you okay, Pi-chan?”

“Yeah, its just that…” I don’t know if I should tell her.

“Tomohisa, I’m your best friend. Tell me,” she says, giving me a reassuring smile.

“I thought I was okay. But now that I’ve seen him again… it… it all just came back.” I lower my head.

“You still love him,” she mutters. As I look at her face again I don’t expect what I see there. I’m expecting her to be mad, but she has this smile, saying that it is okay.

“I… after what he made me go through, I don’t know if I still want him back,” I honestly tell her, lowering my gaze again.

“You will know soon.” I feel her lips on my cheek. “You should know soon. You are getting old and you need to use your little junior sometimes,” she says, grinning at me.

“You are one pervert pregnant,” I say, making both of us laugh.

“But I mean it,” she says, being serious this time. “I know that you are ready to love again. You are strong, Pi.”

“I don’t know if my heart can take any more aching.”

Getting back to the hotel, we are welcomed by one worried Tegoshi. Yuki tells him that she went out to buy some food, which Tegoshi believes without a question. If only he knew. Then Yuki tells Tegoshi who we saw at the beach, making him worried but I’m able to calm him down again.

“Just have fun, guys” I say, as they head to their date which Tegoshi planned throughout the year.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine?” Tegoshi asks and I nod ‘yes’.

“Look, take some time to think about what you really want to happen. Listen to your heart, please do it for us,” Yuki adds.

“Just go,” I say, not wanting to hear any more scolding.

“No, scratch that, do it for yourself. Break free from the past. Don’t make yourself your own prisoner.”

Walking along the beach, Yuki’s words are still echoing in my mind. She is right; I’m a prisoner of the past. I’m just denying everything. The real reason why it didn’t work out with my other two relationships was because I couldn’t get Kame out of my mind. He is like a ghost that’s hunting me. I was so scared of getting hurt again, I didn’t realize I was the one hurting people who loved me.

Stopping in my tracks I see him again; Kame is sitting in the sand, looking at the waves. I‘m about to turned around when I hear him.

“Yamapi, is that you?” It’s his voice. Oh, how I missed it.

“Hey,” I say, facing him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“Just wandering around,” I answer plainly. “You?”

“Thinking,” he says with a hint of sadness.

“Oh, I should leave...”

“Please stay,” Kame pleads. “I think I will just drown myself if you leave me alone here.”

“Ahm, okay.” I sit down next to him. I feel weak from complying with his wishes.

“I’m sorry,” Kame speaks again.

“For what?” I ask.

“For hurting you, making a fool of you…for making you fall in love with me,” he says, lowering his head.

“That‘s history now,” I say.

“No, I really mean it. During all these years there were often times when I just suddenly remembered what I did to you and Yamapi…” he is looking straight at me, “You didn’t deserve it.”

“It’s all forgiven, I already moved on. I’m happy with my life now,” I answer honestly, just leaving out that even so there is something missing - and that is him. Kame is the last piece of my puzzle that is still missing.

“Yeah, I can tell.” I saw his lips curving into a smile. I miss those soft lips.

“Sorry for using you.”

“Enough with the apologizing,” I tell him. Truth hurts.

“But words aren’t enough to show you how sorry I am.”

Why now? The wounds in my heart are opening again. It’s painful.

“Kamenashi, I said I have forgiven you for the things you’ve done to me. It was hard, but I’m still alive. To be honest I have to thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn‘t be this strong.”

“I’m sorry but I have to tell you this,” he says, looking at the ocean again. “It took me quite long to realize how important you are to me. Everything you’ve told me. That if my friends are my true friends they will accept me. I guess I was so pressured by my friends that I became confused. I thought I loved her. Well, I did love her. But...” Hearing his confession makes me confused.

“What are you trying to say?” I want to know. For some reason I feel hope. I just wish that this will not break my heart again, because if it does, I swear I can no longer take it.

“When she left me, she told me that I need to find the one I love, that the reason we couldn’t be happy was that she isn’t the one I’m really in love with. I told her that she was wrong. Then she made me realize the truth… That I’m in love with you.” He looks at me. “I love you.” Then there is silence, only the sound of the waves crashing in the shore can be heard. “I’m sorry... I- I have to go.”

“Wait!” I say, making him stop. “Prove it! This time it is your turn to prove it.”

“Pi,” he mumbles.

“Prove to me that you really love me,” I say as tears are welling up in my eyes, starting to run down my cheeks.

The pain of the past comes back. All of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘regrets’ were coming back... overflowing. Next thing I know, he rushes towards me, puts his arms around my neck and touches my lips with his. I still remember how he used to kissed me and this time it’s different. I feel something that I‘ve never felt in his kiss… Love.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I love you, but I put you into misery,” he says, sobbing.

“I still love you Kazu, but...”

“I know, you are married to Yuki and you two are going to have a baby. I-I know,” Kame says, making me cup his face so he can see me eye to eye.

“Yuki is not my wife. Tegoshi is the father of her baby, he is her husband. I was helping her when you saw us,” I say.

“I miss you, Pi” he says.

“I miss you too,” I teld him.

“This time, let me prove myself to you,” he says caressing my cheeks. “Let me prove to you that I love you.”

“I’ll be holding you to your words.”