listening to the rain fall
I'm lying in bed, windows open as far as they can go, listening to the rain fall.
oh how I miss these days when they're not here.
I'm presently resting on the fourth floor of the same building I've lived in for years. Thinking back, I've lost count of how long I've been here.
When I sit here and day dream, my mind wanders away. It imagines all the places I've been; I can see the rebar straining under the load of the nearby manhole cover wanting to fall away into the soft moist soil, I can feel the raindrops being tossed around for thousands of miles slamming into each other and slowly coming to life. I can smell the shapes on the wings of a fly, holding onto the bottom of a sharp cut of metal trying with all its might not to drown for one more night. I can taste the rich leaves, glistening with freshly fallen atoms. I can relate to it all.
I've lived a privileged life: I've consumed more than I produce, I take the kindness of friends for granted, I scoff and mock people that I know nothing about.
Yet all the while, my mind tells me I'm not happy.
I live to make others happy.
Its been my motto for longer than I can remember. I think back as far as I can go, and I've always followed that same guiding principle.
I love making people happy.
its not a 'oh, it feels pretty good when someone thanks you for something' kind of feeling, I get a temporary euphoria when I see someone who has no idea why something just went right for a change happened.
I love to create. I enjoy making things of use (tools, manuals, etc) and feel I should try really having a go of custom production work. I'd love to build things, I'd love to design things people want to use, tools people want to create beauty with.
I have no idea what the next years of my life have in store for me. I hope beyond hope that they challenge me to become a better person: because right now I feel tiny.
but for now: rain.
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