(no subject)
SO after no one was available last night and I sat around the house doing nothing, with nothing on TV, I was determined to hang out tonight. No one was hanging out. I called up Dan, and although he was almost falling asleep on the phone, he said we could chill for a little. We were in his room, he showed me his new toy, a better version of his strat guitar, that he's going to re-string and get a new nut for. Then he showed me some other instruments he'd like to accumulate in his travels, and watched YouTube videos of them in action. New instruments/ideas to me Ocean Drum, brazilian capoeira, berimbau...Bela Fleck...Drumitar....Tuvan voice...etc. And the whole time I'm sitting back and admiring him, god I love him and his aspiration. I am his biggest fan/admirer. I just wanted to be in his lap and hugging him. Speaking of which, when I was leaving we had some really good hugs. His hug is still one of the best feeling in the world, and letting go is one of the worst. I told him to have fun on the cruise, which is a given, we made some jokes about how the Bahamas are gonna be one island fewer when they get back, at the hands of him and Will...God I'm so jealous. He told me to have fun, but so far the only thing to look forward to is the Paper Fashion show, which is cool, but I've been to it before, and it's not an activity that's like out of the ordinary for me.
SO daylight saving is going to kick my butt. Ordinarily I'd have to get up in less than 6 hours, I now have less than 5. I switched shifts so I could hang out with everyone tomorrow (today) night but I hear they're going to the house in Melbourne tomorrow night...so if I'm working til 5...will they still be in Orlando? If not, and if I'm not driving Dan to Melbourne, then I might just get the hell out of here.
But on a different note, it's time for bed. And I think Dan was wrong about this whole thing. If he loved me when he was with me and not-so-much without me, he should have done more to be with me more often, not leave me. But whatever, it's really really out of my hands. I still love him so so much. I wouldn't take him back in a second though; It would take a lot of convincing for him to prove that he did in fact love me.
I want him to realize he loved/ loves me. No one will ever appreciate, admire, accept or love him the way I do, and I hope he comes to his senses.
I wonder what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this. If it really is for me to "find myself" ... then couldn't we have had a cleaner break-up? I'm so distracted thinking about the break-up, him, and our past, that I can't think of anything else - which was proven at work today when I was so stone-faced, and I wasn't processing thing correctly...
Sleep. Need Sleep. Coffee and I are going to be best friends tomorrow.
I hope my appetite comes back -- I'm eating regardless, don't worry, but I'm not hungry and food hasn't been appealing recently.
SO daylight saving is going to kick my butt. Ordinarily I'd have to get up in less than 6 hours, I now have less than 5. I switched shifts so I could hang out with everyone tomorrow (today) night but I hear they're going to the house in Melbourne tomorrow night...so if I'm working til 5...will they still be in Orlando? If not, and if I'm not driving Dan to Melbourne, then I might just get the hell out of here.
But on a different note, it's time for bed. And I think Dan was wrong about this whole thing. If he loved me when he was with me and not-so-much without me, he should have done more to be with me more often, not leave me. But whatever, it's really really out of my hands. I still love him so so much. I wouldn't take him back in a second though; It would take a lot of convincing for him to prove that he did in fact love me.
I want him to realize he loved/ loves me. No one will ever appreciate, admire, accept or love him the way I do, and I hope he comes to his senses.
I wonder what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this. If it really is for me to "find myself" ... then couldn't we have had a cleaner break-up? I'm so distracted thinking about the break-up, him, and our past, that I can't think of anything else - which was proven at work today when I was so stone-faced, and I wasn't processing thing correctly...
Sleep. Need Sleep. Coffee and I are going to be best friends tomorrow.
I hope my appetite comes back -- I'm eating regardless, don't worry, but I'm not hungry and food hasn't been appealing recently.