The most un-Mike Davis thing you'll ever read.
In this livejournal over the past six months or so, I've been witty, I've ranted, and I've rambled. But just like you all do, I've got emotions and such too. I've been kinda down the past week or so, and it's been due to a number of things. So, to make a long story short, I'm just gonna kinda vent here. It may be very emotional and un-Mike Davis-like, but whatever.
**
Since I was a little kid, I've only ever had one real fear, which some of you may know but most of you don't. However, it's somehow managed to become subject in my conversations as of late, hence people knowing.
I've had a horrible fear of death for as long as I can remember. Thanatophobia.
Seriously, sometimes it gets really bad. There's been times that I lay awake in bed at two in the morning, and my sleep-deprived mind wanders from subject to subject, eventually settling on upsetting my poor self and thinking about death. I get scared out of my mind, since I figure one of two things is gonna happen. Either there is an afterlife and a heaven, in which case I'm rotting in hell for all of my blasphemic talk and atheist/agnostic beliefs. Or there isn't one, and I'm going to just lay in the ground and rot for the rest of time. And honestly, I don't know whcih one is scarier. I came to the conclusion and was asked about yesterday why I joke about death and killing so much. Telling two of my closest friends fro the first time that I'm afraid of death, especially to a question like that, made me realize that I joke about it to dehumanize it. In case any of you were wondering.
I lay there, wide awake, thinking about what's going to happen when the people that I know die, from my dog to my parents to my best friends to the people who don't even really matter to me. And I realize that, no matter how much "time" I've got left, I don't want to spend it alone. And while I hope that my friends, the ones that really matter, will always be there for me, I realize that I'm still left hungry for some sort of closeness, some sort of higher kind of relationship.
To make a long story short, I really need a fucking girlfriend.
And it's not like I've been lying in apathy for the past year. I've told practically nobody about who it is, but I've had this one person in mind for a real long while. I like her a lot, she's just about everything I could want in someone else. Of course, the only problem is that she knows no signs at all of showing any kind of interest in me (as she is single), and I'm too much of an idiot/jackass to work up enough balls to tell her "how I feel," for lack of a better term. As a result, it's been around nine months since I've come to that conclusion, and I don't think there's been any improvement nor am I any closer to getting there. And that upsets me.
I thought I had a lot more to ramble on about, but aparently I don't. It's just a fear of dying and my lack of a girlfriend. Whatever. Do me a favor, and don't make fun of me for this. Feel free to comment and talk to me/other friends about this, and feel free not to. Thank you for listening.
**
Since I was a little kid, I've only ever had one real fear, which some of you may know but most of you don't. However, it's somehow managed to become subject in my conversations as of late, hence people knowing.
I've had a horrible fear of death for as long as I can remember. Thanatophobia.
Seriously, sometimes it gets really bad. There's been times that I lay awake in bed at two in the morning, and my sleep-deprived mind wanders from subject to subject, eventually settling on upsetting my poor self and thinking about death. I get scared out of my mind, since I figure one of two things is gonna happen. Either there is an afterlife and a heaven, in which case I'm rotting in hell for all of my blasphemic talk and atheist/agnostic beliefs. Or there isn't one, and I'm going to just lay in the ground and rot for the rest of time. And honestly, I don't know whcih one is scarier. I came to the conclusion and was asked about yesterday why I joke about death and killing so much. Telling two of my closest friends fro the first time that I'm afraid of death, especially to a question like that, made me realize that I joke about it to dehumanize it. In case any of you were wondering.
I lay there, wide awake, thinking about what's going to happen when the people that I know die, from my dog to my parents to my best friends to the people who don't even really matter to me. And I realize that, no matter how much "time" I've got left, I don't want to spend it alone. And while I hope that my friends, the ones that really matter, will always be there for me, I realize that I'm still left hungry for some sort of closeness, some sort of higher kind of relationship.
To make a long story short, I really need a fucking girlfriend.
And it's not like I've been lying in apathy for the past year. I've told practically nobody about who it is, but I've had this one person in mind for a real long while. I like her a lot, she's just about everything I could want in someone else. Of course, the only problem is that she knows no signs at all of showing any kind of interest in me (as she is single), and I'm too much of an idiot/jackass to work up enough balls to tell her "how I feel," for lack of a better term. As a result, it's been around nine months since I've come to that conclusion, and I don't think there's been any improvement nor am I any closer to getting there. And that upsets me.
I thought I had a lot more to ramble on about, but aparently I don't. It's just a fear of dying and my lack of a girlfriend. Whatever. Do me a favor, and don't make fun of me for this. Feel free to comment and talk to me/other friends about this, and feel free not to. Thank you for listening.