Formerly Known As....
I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation. ... That "necessarily" is what trips me up. Because the thing is, I have had a few too many way compelling arguments for reincarnation pop up in my life. Including the fact that I am pretty well aware of what my last life before this one was.
But that's a whole other entry.
I remember Ms. Dawn talking about the fact that we choose our next life based on the way we lived our current life. I always took that to mean that we had a certain spectrum of choice available to us between lives from which to construct our next life. In reading about Hinduism so much lately I have been intrigued by the concept that the purpose of reincarnation is so that we can experience the full spectrum of humanity through our various incarnations. In a way, those two things taken together really kind of do form a concept of what the meaning of each life we live is and why we're here.
Ms. Dawn, and several other people, told me I was a very, very old soul. I've been around. Ms. Dawn also used to say she thought I probably could have had the choice of moving on, but I chose to come back so that I could help people. That is one of the most wonderful compliments I've ever been given. I also recently read in my book on Hinduism that while some schools of thought say the point is to break free from reincarnating again and again on Earth to attain oneness with the Divine, another school says that, no, actually living again and again is wonderful, fun, fabulous, and the meaning of LIFE, not just life. I think I buy that school of thought more. Maybe that's why my favoritest favorite Hindi word is "zindagi", life.
So if the point is to come back again and again to experience the full spectrum of humanity, and if we choose our next life based on the way we lived our last life/lives, then I suspect that I know what the theme of my current life is. I think this particular little life of mine is all about learning the concept of "loss", the concept of "alone". I mean, you have to admit I started losing people at an insanely young age. And the losses have just kept piling up. If you count death and divorce, I have more or less lost my entire immediate family. If you count death and Canada, I have lost a large percentage of my closest friends. (... *giggles over the phrase "death and Canada"*) If you count flat-out not showing up in this lifetime yet, I have lost my husband. Where the HELL is he anyhow. (side note: I've mentioned this before ad nauseum, but I have been told that I have one soulmate, that we have been together in every life before and will be together in every lifetime after. I happen to believe this, reincarnation or no. But that's another another entry.)
And then there's Larian. Ah Larian. My beloved cat ... who I can't really call "my" cat anymore. So about three or so weeks ago Larian completely buggered off. She just went out one day and didn't come back. I wrote her off as gone. I will confess that I thought she was probably dead. Sad, but remember, this lifetime is about loss, and I have dealt with enough of it now to know how to cope (unless I'm tired or PMSing). And then, suddenly, without warning, boom! Larian shows up again! This was about three days ago. She was just there by the door, looking as startled as I was to see me. She looked kinda feral actually. So I exclaimed, "Larian! Where have you been?" and picked her up and tossed her in the house. Well, she wasn't too pleased with that. She and the other cats, her own children, had a stare-down hiss-fest. She stalked around the apartment for a while, hung out longingly on the balcony contemplating the jump, and when I went to bed that night she came with me. She curled up and slept on the bed by my side ... until about 4:00am when she got restless and I kicked her out. The next morning she stalked around, maybe ate something, then went out on the balcony. I'm not sure what happened or when, but I'm certain she finally worked up the nerve to jump. And that was the last I've seen of Larian. I think she just came back to let me know she wasn't dead, but that she was feral now. She has no interest in being domesticated. I don't know if that will change at some point, like when the weather gets cold, but for now I am content to know that she is out there, but that she no longer "belongs" to me. She'll show up from time to time I'm sure. But I don't own her anymore.
So yeah, loss. Loss is not a bad thing. Loss is a part of life. It is a part of the human experience that we all have to embrace at some point. Not a single person in this world is going to be able to make it through life without losing something. Something big. Something important. Maybe some people wait until they are old and time starts taking family and friends from them. Maybe some start losing people as soon as they are conscious of what it means to have them. Experiencing the full spectrum of humanity does NOT mean being happy all the time. Experiencing the full spectrum of humanity means learning with an open mind and heart that the world is vast and life is deep. I have always believed that life is about constantly, constantly learning. And I know from the very bottom of my soul that I could never learn enough in one lifetime. If I have indeed chosen to come back I'm sure it's because there is still more I want to know. Because one of the most true things I have ever heard are the words of a tiny poem I used in my sophomore year of high school for my poetry notebook:
"I walked a mile with Gladness,
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she,
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!"
But that's a whole other entry.
I remember Ms. Dawn talking about the fact that we choose our next life based on the way we lived our current life. I always took that to mean that we had a certain spectrum of choice available to us between lives from which to construct our next life. In reading about Hinduism so much lately I have been intrigued by the concept that the purpose of reincarnation is so that we can experience the full spectrum of humanity through our various incarnations. In a way, those two things taken together really kind of do form a concept of what the meaning of each life we live is and why we're here.
Ms. Dawn, and several other people, told me I was a very, very old soul. I've been around. Ms. Dawn also used to say she thought I probably could have had the choice of moving on, but I chose to come back so that I could help people. That is one of the most wonderful compliments I've ever been given. I also recently read in my book on Hinduism that while some schools of thought say the point is to break free from reincarnating again and again on Earth to attain oneness with the Divine, another school says that, no, actually living again and again is wonderful, fun, fabulous, and the meaning of LIFE, not just life. I think I buy that school of thought more. Maybe that's why my favoritest favorite Hindi word is "zindagi", life.
So if the point is to come back again and again to experience the full spectrum of humanity, and if we choose our next life based on the way we lived our last life/lives, then I suspect that I know what the theme of my current life is. I think this particular little life of mine is all about learning the concept of "loss", the concept of "alone". I mean, you have to admit I started losing people at an insanely young age. And the losses have just kept piling up. If you count death and divorce, I have more or less lost my entire immediate family. If you count death and Canada, I have lost a large percentage of my closest friends. (... *giggles over the phrase "death and Canada"*) If you count flat-out not showing up in this lifetime yet, I have lost my husband. Where the HELL is he anyhow. (side note: I've mentioned this before ad nauseum, but I have been told that I have one soulmate, that we have been together in every life before and will be together in every lifetime after. I happen to believe this, reincarnation or no. But that's another another entry.)
And then there's Larian. Ah Larian. My beloved cat ... who I can't really call "my" cat anymore. So about three or so weeks ago Larian completely buggered off. She just went out one day and didn't come back. I wrote her off as gone. I will confess that I thought she was probably dead. Sad, but remember, this lifetime is about loss, and I have dealt with enough of it now to know how to cope (unless I'm tired or PMSing). And then, suddenly, without warning, boom! Larian shows up again! This was about three days ago. She was just there by the door, looking as startled as I was to see me. She looked kinda feral actually. So I exclaimed, "Larian! Where have you been?" and picked her up and tossed her in the house. Well, she wasn't too pleased with that. She and the other cats, her own children, had a stare-down hiss-fest. She stalked around the apartment for a while, hung out longingly on the balcony contemplating the jump, and when I went to bed that night she came with me. She curled up and slept on the bed by my side ... until about 4:00am when she got restless and I kicked her out. The next morning she stalked around, maybe ate something, then went out on the balcony. I'm not sure what happened or when, but I'm certain she finally worked up the nerve to jump. And that was the last I've seen of Larian. I think she just came back to let me know she wasn't dead, but that she was feral now. She has no interest in being domesticated. I don't know if that will change at some point, like when the weather gets cold, but for now I am content to know that she is out there, but that she no longer "belongs" to me. She'll show up from time to time I'm sure. But I don't own her anymore.
So yeah, loss. Loss is not a bad thing. Loss is a part of life. It is a part of the human experience that we all have to embrace at some point. Not a single person in this world is going to be able to make it through life without losing something. Something big. Something important. Maybe some people wait until they are old and time starts taking family and friends from them. Maybe some start losing people as soon as they are conscious of what it means to have them. Experiencing the full spectrum of humanity does NOT mean being happy all the time. Experiencing the full spectrum of humanity means learning with an open mind and heart that the world is vast and life is deep. I have always believed that life is about constantly, constantly learning. And I know from the very bottom of my soul that I could never learn enough in one lifetime. If I have indeed chosen to come back I'm sure it's because there is still more I want to know. Because one of the most true things I have ever heard are the words of a tiny poem I used in my sophomore year of high school for my poetry notebook:
"I walked a mile with Gladness,
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she,
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!"