General blathering to remind myself that I have a journal
I'm sad that I never did get around to writing about Normandy. Not that much happened that didn't have to do with work anyway; I'm just too busy really. I took a little tour to my old stomping ground in Belgium too. It was somewhat nostalgic. It made me think back to living up there, where it rains all the time, when I started going to college again, when I had bad back problems.
It occurred to me that the best weapon I ever found for battling depression has gone so far as to join the other side. Namely, going to school. When I started it, it gave me focus, drive, something to look forward to. Since then, though, I have found a job, new friends, new hobbies, and a busy life. I don't need school to give me direction anymore. I could do without it. It strikes me as funny. It used to make me feel like I was more than met the eye; that I was capable of more than my mundane existence. It gave me drive. Now it's one of my main sources of feelings of inadequacy. So strange, so strange.
My doctor cycling friend is convinced that there's a causal relation between depression and back problems. He can't tell me which causes what but that doesn't really matter because I have a propensity towards both.
As I get older I'm realizing that a propensity towards depression is innate; or at least it is for me. Apparently, it's genetic. The way it manifests has so little to do with real problems or real stress although that's usually what brings it to a head. That's what's weird about it. It's basically an emotional reaction to... nothing... or everything. It's heavy. It's like a giant wave inside me that picks up my emotions and slams them against the beach. Some say its a chemical imbalance. I can't really come up with words to describe it, but "overwhelming" is a good one. Treading water is a good metaphor too... I like the wave analogy because that's how it feels: huge, deep, overwhelming, and cyclical... it comes and goes.
There are two major symptoms that I've come to attribute to this. I might be wrong but I don't think I am. Firstly, it's this urge to cry at inappropriate moments. It's really weird and I've had it for a very long time. It's not even sad stuff that makes me cry; it's just stuff. Talking brings it on. Movies and music bring it on. People, situations, emotions but not necessarily of the type that would make most normal people cry give me an urge to break into tears that is very difficult for me to repress. It's embarrassing. It's weird.
Number two, also a companion of mine for practically as long as I can remember is this urge to sleep all the time. That's my answer to stress - sleep. I also learned in the Army that my answer to sleep deprivation is uncontrollable crying fits. I once cried for practically 48 hours. I'm glad I figured out that I wasn't cut out for the Army. I'm even gladder that other opportunities opened up for me that made it possible for me to quit without starving to death.
So what to do? Nothing?
I don't know. I tried herbs in Belgium. I can't say it really helped. I don't really want to take drugs; I don't know why. I'm practically a functioning alcoholic and that doesn't really bother me that much. Personally, I'd rather smoke grass than take Prozac but in reality neither would probably work very well and I'd be ashamed of either. I learned one lesson from the college thing: something to work towards and be passionate about is probably the best 'cure' I've found so far. I've got a feeling that a regular exercise routine would help a lot too and alcohol is a paradox: My Id seems to think that alcohol helps but my superego thinks that it probably makes matters worse...
In short, like most things, I think the 'cure' is a self-discipline that I don't really naturally have: Get organized, get some exercise, and watch my diet and alcohol intake; it's all that's ever worked. I'm kind of jealous of the people around me who don't seem to have these problems and I'm embarrassed to talk about it - It's a big deal and it's not. I don't want to come off as a basket case because I'm not, but I'm not normal either, not all the time.
It occurred to me that the best weapon I ever found for battling depression has gone so far as to join the other side. Namely, going to school. When I started it, it gave me focus, drive, something to look forward to. Since then, though, I have found a job, new friends, new hobbies, and a busy life. I don't need school to give me direction anymore. I could do without it. It strikes me as funny. It used to make me feel like I was more than met the eye; that I was capable of more than my mundane existence. It gave me drive. Now it's one of my main sources of feelings of inadequacy. So strange, so strange.
My doctor cycling friend is convinced that there's a causal relation between depression and back problems. He can't tell me which causes what but that doesn't really matter because I have a propensity towards both.
As I get older I'm realizing that a propensity towards depression is innate; or at least it is for me. Apparently, it's genetic. The way it manifests has so little to do with real problems or real stress although that's usually what brings it to a head. That's what's weird about it. It's basically an emotional reaction to... nothing... or everything. It's heavy. It's like a giant wave inside me that picks up my emotions and slams them against the beach. Some say its a chemical imbalance. I can't really come up with words to describe it, but "overwhelming" is a good one. Treading water is a good metaphor too... I like the wave analogy because that's how it feels: huge, deep, overwhelming, and cyclical... it comes and goes.
There are two major symptoms that I've come to attribute to this. I might be wrong but I don't think I am. Firstly, it's this urge to cry at inappropriate moments. It's really weird and I've had it for a very long time. It's not even sad stuff that makes me cry; it's just stuff. Talking brings it on. Movies and music bring it on. People, situations, emotions but not necessarily of the type that would make most normal people cry give me an urge to break into tears that is very difficult for me to repress. It's embarrassing. It's weird.
Number two, also a companion of mine for practically as long as I can remember is this urge to sleep all the time. That's my answer to stress - sleep. I also learned in the Army that my answer to sleep deprivation is uncontrollable crying fits. I once cried for practically 48 hours. I'm glad I figured out that I wasn't cut out for the Army. I'm even gladder that other opportunities opened up for me that made it possible for me to quit without starving to death.
So what to do? Nothing?
I don't know. I tried herbs in Belgium. I can't say it really helped. I don't really want to take drugs; I don't know why. I'm practically a functioning alcoholic and that doesn't really bother me that much. Personally, I'd rather smoke grass than take Prozac but in reality neither would probably work very well and I'd be ashamed of either. I learned one lesson from the college thing: something to work towards and be passionate about is probably the best 'cure' I've found so far. I've got a feeling that a regular exercise routine would help a lot too and alcohol is a paradox: My Id seems to think that alcohol helps but my superego thinks that it probably makes matters worse...
In short, like most things, I think the 'cure' is a self-discipline that I don't really naturally have: Get organized, get some exercise, and watch my diet and alcohol intake; it's all that's ever worked. I'm kind of jealous of the people around me who don't seem to have these problems and I'm embarrassed to talk about it - It's a big deal and it's not. I don't want to come off as a basket case because I'm not, but I'm not normal either, not all the time.