(no subject)
i know ppl are gonna read this and wonder but i really dont wanna explain this or justify anything i say...just read if you want and absorb it...yes even you...i'm not holding anything back.........and yes it is public so anyone can read and comment, i just wont respond....just no anonymous, i really wanna know who read it and what they had to say
so my whole life i've been searhing for love...i thought i found it...and i was happy...the happiest i had ever been in my whole life...i coulda spent my life with him--now i know a lotta ppl say you were so young you didnt know what love was you had your whole life ahead of you.....yes i know all those things but ya know what its not true....i know what love is, that feeling where your life isnt complete without them...every moment youre with them is perfect no matter what....i find the right person and thats all i need....i'm looking for love, not little flings or playing the field cause ya know what...i dont wanna date dozens of guys....i want my one...well needless to say i havent found him yet...or i have and just havent realized it....
i've been hurt and it was not fun at all....i lost someone i really cared about and i'll never fully get over it but i've moved on...find someone new and give my heart away....have you ever noticed that the ones you love never love you back but the ones you dont love are in love with you....yaaaaa....lifes cruel joke i guess...so what does a person do...keep searching for their "one" or settle with the one that loves them....dont cheat yourself out of love....find it and cherish it....fight for it and never let it go.....
"The Greatest Thing Is To Love__And Be Loved In Return"
my life has been full of ups and downs....ya might wanna stop now cause this is prolly gonna get long
i was born and raised in a religious household....followed everything my parents and the religion said....i started to break away but could never fully leave....i found a boy....he was a nice boy...i fell for him....and lost him....sometimes i still think, if i had left my religion sooner would we still be together?....i guess i'll never find out....religion, huh....sometimes it causes so much grief and pain in ppl's life...i dont get it....isnt it supposed to bring happiness and peace and enlightenment.....well that never happened to me.....pain, restriction, loss, trapped...those were the only things it brought me....
i became unhappy....i drank i'll admit it....didnt help, only made me feel sicker....i cut....yes i did cut...i'm not ashamed of it, never have been and never will be....my only comfort sad to say....my only friend......
now you may wonder why i'm saying all this and to be quite honest i havent the slightest fuckin clue......i really dont......maybe this will help me look at my life in a different view or maybe i'm just writing this cause i have nothing better to do at 11:32 at night.....
but you see....life makes no sense what-so-ever
ppl can have everything they've ever wanted...money, cars, a house, women....but are they truly happy...can you look at someones life and truly see it for what it is....ppl say they've lived their dreams but the truth of the matter is....no one can ever live their dreams to its greatest potential....and what about the ones who cant live their dreams...what do we do about them....have pity for them as we bask in our wealth and happiness....just go on and live our lives like they dont exist....
sorry for jumping from topic to topic but this is just how my mind is working right now...........
i look at other ppl and see them...their lives, their dreams...and i want to be like them....i'm jealous...i'll admit it....i want what other ppl have and i'm afraid i'll never get it
my biggest fear....DYING ALONE....not meaning dying somewhere where its just me in the room....no but dying alone in the sense that i didnt have anyone there for me, being unloved....ever been to a nursing home?....see all the elderly ppl sitting in their wheelchairs outside their doors, forgotten, unloved, wasting away....i see that in my mind almost every day...and that terrifies me....i cant be like them....i wont....thats not a life.....i'm so afraid of it happening that i'm blinded my fear and cant live my life...all i want to do is live.......
i'm not afraid to die, i can honestly say that....granted i wanna do things with my life before that happens but i'm not afraid....what i'm more afraid of is how it would affect other ppls lives....can ppl get on without me?....will i even cause a ripple in ppls lives, will i be missed?.....now i know if youre reading this youre thinking of course you are and so on.....yes i know....but still the thoughts fill my mind...and if anyone thinks this is all bullshit or pointless then just stop reading.....
where do you see yourself in 10 years?
the infamous adult question...do they actually think we have our lives planned out for the next ten years...
"oh yes year one i plan on getting a job and saving up money...year two i plan on dating a few ppl while trying to get a promotion...year seven i planned on getting married only to be cheated on twice"
no one can plan out their life and make it work according to plan...and if you can/did kudos to you, you figured out the secret of life...care to share?
so i stand before everyone today as an almost completely free girl....pierced, and soon to be tattooed girl....i dont attend my meetings anymore and i choose who i hang out with and when....how was i able to do this....well my friends have been trying to give me the push to change my life but it never worked.....no one was able to give me the confidence to do it....so how am i the way i am today.....one person came into my life...a very unique individual, unlike anyone i've ever known...and trust me i've known some pretty unique ppl....but something was different....how i felt, how i viewed things, how i thought of things...and still to this day i cant figure out why....can you tell me?.....well thank you....i am who i am today because of you, well the good things i mean haha....you might think i'm exaggerating but i'm not....you helped me, you freed me....and for that i'm forever thankful and give you my love........the only thing i'm afraid of is when you leave__will i revert back to my old self or will i have the strength to hold on........i guess time will tell
well i think i better stop only cause its getting late and theres too much stuff running through my head and i cant put it all in here....i'll prolly add more at some other point in time so check back if youre interested haha....so good night one and all
................................i'm gone.............................
~Forever waiting to live my life the way I dream~