If such things are possible in the realm of intangible concepts
Well Justin took off many hours ago, i've just sort of been walking around in a daze doing things without really thinking about it and I have no clue why. The impending boredom overwhelmed my weary mind I guess? I must have combed my hair about fifty times during this lapse in rational thought-- guess i'm just boring, I lose my mind and simply end up fixing my hair over and over... heh. Is it already sunday? Feels like saturday never even occurred.
Justin and I played Legacy of Kain: Defiance by switching off between chapters, I was always Kain and he- Raziel. We were near the end of the game when his grandmother came to pick him up, i'm thinking of just waiting till he can stay over again before beating it. We also had a few versus matches in Tenchu:Wrath of heaven, we separated the screen with a painting out of the closet and the fights we had were truly excellent. Sorry to run on about the gamer geek stuff Justin and I did, he just hasn't been over for a long time... and this visit caused me to remember why (other than his perpetual grounded state.)
Justin's such a disgusting slob. He's welcome to all the food he wants in my house of course but he always leaves garbage everywhere, plus he can make room look wrecked just by passing through it... I dunno, its just an annoying ability he has.
Its probably just all in my mind but for whatever reason my IQ seems to be cut in half when i'm sitting next to him, we laugh and carry on about some of the lamest crap. I guess a lot friends do that to one another. I barely notice how much of a dumbass i've acted like until he's walking out the door, I don't think he minds though...(or doesn't mention it) he behaves like a pretty big dork too.
Enough about that though, it may be worth it to mention that my computer is acting really fucked up-- its not exactly a dependable machine even though I didn't acquire it very long ago. Maybe thats why i'm updating so much now, because I may be sans-internet for quite awhile in the near future. I can't close out windows. Ever. I have to access task manager and shut everything down from there. Among other wonky connection problems.
I remembered something very clearly today, it made me ashamed and a little depressed. I must have been ten... maybe twelve years old and was attending the YMCA "day care" over the summer. I think it was one of the only times I went there and didn't meet up with Justin in turn. We were supposed to have this sock hop dance, it was sort of a weird thing for the counselors to do since most kids weren't interested in that kind of thing.
To make a long story short I had gotten in trouble for popping another boy in the mouth and into a pool (I thought it was hilarious) because he was being a complete ass. Or was it when I kneed that retarded kid in the stomach twice for holding me under the water-- nearly drowning me at the pool? Well anyway... its not important. I was in trouble and was excluded from all special activities for a length of time. There was this girl I happened upon named Suzanne while I was hanging around an "office to think about what i'd done", looking pretty down on herself. We'd never spoken before, she was one of those girls who are so "wow" beautiful it seemed wrong to have anything to do with them... like I wasn't worthy and shouldn't waste their time with my sullen presence...I stayed away from chicks who made me feel that way. I was a delusionary romantic even at that age, but that isn't what made me walk over to her and strike up a conversation. In fact I don't even recall what it *was* exactly that made me open my fool mouth and ask her what was the matter. Talking for awhile I found out she was really looking forward to that dance I mentioned and the boy she wanted to go with turned her down... it's inexplicable now that I look back on it, I had felt so confident and smooth at that particular moment... i've never been able to recreate the feeling even once after all these years.
It was also interesting because no other boy would dare ask her out, she was too cute... like a future model or something. All of them were much too intimidated, normally I would have been as well.
I told Suzanne i'd be more than happy to take her... how she first reacted isn't fresh in my memory... but I like to think she was interested in me and not just having someone to go with. I thought about it every day till the event, basically everyone showed up in their pajama's and socks, hence the name sock hop. Well apparently i'd spent all the "coolness" i'd been allotted for life simply asking her out and I was really nervous when we met up outside the gym and walked in together... I hid it pretty well though if I remember right.
At first we kind of sat on the bleachers and talked... not about anything interesting if I recall that right too. It had hit me just before we went in that I couldn't dance, I never had and was convinced i'd make a complete idiot of myself if I attempted. Suzanne urged me to take her out on the floor, I was at least honest and came clean that I was afraid i'd look like a fool because i'd never done it before. She smiled sweetly and gave me some of the most encouraging words I ever heard-- too bad I don't remember them. I lowered my eyes away from hers, trying to think of what to do... all the while walking out in the middle of the crowd with her. She started moving around and dancing to what I think was a song to the movie Grease... and do you know what I did? I walked away. No, nearly ran. She came after me of course... when I looked back and noticed I ducked out of the gym and slid beneath a table in the hallway (It wasn't so pathetic as it would be now since I was short then and fit fairly well.) She found be within moments and huffed, she didn't look mad or upset... just worried. I crawled out, already hating myself for this whole evening and before she could talk to me or anything of the sort I took off down the hallway, this time hiding in a locker....
She never found me.
I understand she spent at least an hour roaming the hallway. By some amazing twist I saw my mother through the locker's tilted slits and stepped out without thinking about it. She never knew what had happened... still doesn't... she'd just gotten there to pick me up... Suzanne rounded the corner just in time to see me walking through the front door with my mom.
I looked back at her...
The expression on her face is burned into my memory, I am the most horrible person in the world. I have so many memories like this one... experiences that just make me disgusted to look in the mirror. Another twist, my mom took me out of the YMCA the next day... I never saw Suzanne again. I never even had the opportunity to say I was sorry or had to face up to what a slimy thing I did.
Its when I draw on my past like this that I realize why my life is so miserable.
I get what I deserve.
Justin and I played Legacy of Kain: Defiance by switching off between chapters, I was always Kain and he- Raziel. We were near the end of the game when his grandmother came to pick him up, i'm thinking of just waiting till he can stay over again before beating it. We also had a few versus matches in Tenchu:Wrath of heaven, we separated the screen with a painting out of the closet and the fights we had were truly excellent. Sorry to run on about the gamer geek stuff Justin and I did, he just hasn't been over for a long time... and this visit caused me to remember why (other than his perpetual grounded state.)
Justin's such a disgusting slob. He's welcome to all the food he wants in my house of course but he always leaves garbage everywhere, plus he can make room look wrecked just by passing through it... I dunno, its just an annoying ability he has.
Its probably just all in my mind but for whatever reason my IQ seems to be cut in half when i'm sitting next to him, we laugh and carry on about some of the lamest crap. I guess a lot friends do that to one another. I barely notice how much of a dumbass i've acted like until he's walking out the door, I don't think he minds though...(or doesn't mention it) he behaves like a pretty big dork too.
Enough about that though, it may be worth it to mention that my computer is acting really fucked up-- its not exactly a dependable machine even though I didn't acquire it very long ago. Maybe thats why i'm updating so much now, because I may be sans-internet for quite awhile in the near future. I can't close out windows. Ever. I have to access task manager and shut everything down from there. Among other wonky connection problems.
I remembered something very clearly today, it made me ashamed and a little depressed. I must have been ten... maybe twelve years old and was attending the YMCA "day care" over the summer. I think it was one of the only times I went there and didn't meet up with Justin in turn. We were supposed to have this sock hop dance, it was sort of a weird thing for the counselors to do since most kids weren't interested in that kind of thing.
To make a long story short I had gotten in trouble for popping another boy in the mouth and into a pool (I thought it was hilarious) because he was being a complete ass. Or was it when I kneed that retarded kid in the stomach twice for holding me under the water-- nearly drowning me at the pool? Well anyway... its not important. I was in trouble and was excluded from all special activities for a length of time. There was this girl I happened upon named Suzanne while I was hanging around an "office to think about what i'd done", looking pretty down on herself. We'd never spoken before, she was one of those girls who are so "wow" beautiful it seemed wrong to have anything to do with them... like I wasn't worthy and shouldn't waste their time with my sullen presence...I stayed away from chicks who made me feel that way. I was a delusionary romantic even at that age, but that isn't what made me walk over to her and strike up a conversation. In fact I don't even recall what it *was* exactly that made me open my fool mouth and ask her what was the matter. Talking for awhile I found out she was really looking forward to that dance I mentioned and the boy she wanted to go with turned her down... it's inexplicable now that I look back on it, I had felt so confident and smooth at that particular moment... i've never been able to recreate the feeling even once after all these years.
It was also interesting because no other boy would dare ask her out, she was too cute... like a future model or something. All of them were much too intimidated, normally I would have been as well.
I told Suzanne i'd be more than happy to take her... how she first reacted isn't fresh in my memory... but I like to think she was interested in me and not just having someone to go with. I thought about it every day till the event, basically everyone showed up in their pajama's and socks, hence the name sock hop. Well apparently i'd spent all the "coolness" i'd been allotted for life simply asking her out and I was really nervous when we met up outside the gym and walked in together... I hid it pretty well though if I remember right.
At first we kind of sat on the bleachers and talked... not about anything interesting if I recall that right too. It had hit me just before we went in that I couldn't dance, I never had and was convinced i'd make a complete idiot of myself if I attempted. Suzanne urged me to take her out on the floor, I was at least honest and came clean that I was afraid i'd look like a fool because i'd never done it before. She smiled sweetly and gave me some of the most encouraging words I ever heard-- too bad I don't remember them. I lowered my eyes away from hers, trying to think of what to do... all the while walking out in the middle of the crowd with her. She started moving around and dancing to what I think was a song to the movie Grease... and do you know what I did? I walked away. No, nearly ran. She came after me of course... when I looked back and noticed I ducked out of the gym and slid beneath a table in the hallway (It wasn't so pathetic as it would be now since I was short then and fit fairly well.) She found be within moments and huffed, she didn't look mad or upset... just worried. I crawled out, already hating myself for this whole evening and before she could talk to me or anything of the sort I took off down the hallway, this time hiding in a locker....
She never found me.
I understand she spent at least an hour roaming the hallway. By some amazing twist I saw my mother through the locker's tilted slits and stepped out without thinking about it. She never knew what had happened... still doesn't... she'd just gotten there to pick me up... Suzanne rounded the corner just in time to see me walking through the front door with my mom.
I looked back at her...
The expression on her face is burned into my memory, I am the most horrible person in the world. I have so many memories like this one... experiences that just make me disgusted to look in the mirror. Another twist, my mom took me out of the YMCA the next day... I never saw Suzanne again. I never even had the opportunity to say I was sorry or had to face up to what a slimy thing I did.
Its when I draw on my past like this that I realize why my life is so miserable.
I get what I deserve.