(no subject)
I had this train of thought just.. spontaneously invade my mind earlier at work. That I'm not happy. Oh, I have my own place, I have my own car, I have a little money to spare which is fine because I need to learn how to curb my excessive spending habits. Yet, still not happy. I had a premonition that the rest of my life would be like that.. I'd be a self-made millionaire, reveling in the extra time I have to dedicate to art and music, with a pair of greyhounds and some boxers. Have a fleet of Boxster's just parked around the house, which just so happened to be situated in the Keys (though there isn't that much room to park a fleet of cars down there). Yet.. still not happy. It's been suggested that only love can make you happy, but, I'm not so sure. I dunno that many people who're "in love" that're happy. They seem pretty damn frustrated, actually. Or they're searching for someone else. This doesn't even include the unhappy marriages, this's just the "I'm so in love!" crackheads.
As for me, even the few times I was truly, head-over-heels in love, I always felt a little reserved.. a little distant.. like something wasn't completely and utterly right. I don't know if that means either the person wasn't 'the one' for me (which they obviously arent, if we're not together) or if I require something more. And if so, what is it?
I spent all day mulling over this, to the point I exhausted myself and started getting sick. I'd made plans for this evening, too, but I'm too ill and too bitter to be around people right now. I'm bitter, not because of the "thought process" going on, but because I genuinely despise Christmas. It's the time of the year for light-heartedness, family gatherings, love and laughter. Well, I'm shit out of light-heartedness, I don't have much of a family (I only count 3 relatives.. my half-brother is a huge 'maybe') and.. well, dad and Amanda're celebrating Christmas with a family-friend's family. A family of what seems to increasingly be pothead fuck-offs who can't hold down a job. I don't care for them a damned bit and I'm not spending my holiday with 'em. Love and laughter? Shit. Do I look like I'm brimming with holiday cheer and jolly laughs? "Ho-ho-ho" isn't some sorta cute laugh by some grossly obese red-dressed bastard, it's a trio of whores.
Christmas isn't really about any of that, though.. not anymore. It's about the presents. This's the first time in my life I didn't ask for anything, because I don't care enough to want anything. I know what some of the stuff I'm getting is, but beyond that, if I even get anything more, I'm in the dark on this one. I'm not waiting impatiently for Christmas morning, though. I'm just wishing this god-forsaken holiday would hurry up, get past, and usher in New Year's so I can drink myself into a drunken stupor all day the next day. I would do that on Christmas but that's not in the spirit. That's more of a redneck Christmas.
In other news, I'm horrible with women but that's not exactly news, now is it? Hah.
As for me, even the few times I was truly, head-over-heels in love, I always felt a little reserved.. a little distant.. like something wasn't completely and utterly right. I don't know if that means either the person wasn't 'the one' for me (which they obviously arent, if we're not together) or if I require something more. And if so, what is it?
I spent all day mulling over this, to the point I exhausted myself and started getting sick. I'd made plans for this evening, too, but I'm too ill and too bitter to be around people right now. I'm bitter, not because of the "thought process" going on, but because I genuinely despise Christmas. It's the time of the year for light-heartedness, family gatherings, love and laughter. Well, I'm shit out of light-heartedness, I don't have much of a family (I only count 3 relatives.. my half-brother is a huge 'maybe') and.. well, dad and Amanda're celebrating Christmas with a family-friend's family. A family of what seems to increasingly be pothead fuck-offs who can't hold down a job. I don't care for them a damned bit and I'm not spending my holiday with 'em. Love and laughter? Shit. Do I look like I'm brimming with holiday cheer and jolly laughs? "Ho-ho-ho" isn't some sorta cute laugh by some grossly obese red-dressed bastard, it's a trio of whores.
Christmas isn't really about any of that, though.. not anymore. It's about the presents. This's the first time in my life I didn't ask for anything, because I don't care enough to want anything. I know what some of the stuff I'm getting is, but beyond that, if I even get anything more, I'm in the dark on this one. I'm not waiting impatiently for Christmas morning, though. I'm just wishing this god-forsaken holiday would hurry up, get past, and usher in New Year's so I can drink myself into a drunken stupor all day the next day. I would do that on Christmas but that's not in the spirit. That's more of a redneck Christmas.
In other news, I'm horrible with women but that's not exactly news, now is it? Hah.