Void Shrine - 「 」 | 4／伽藍の洞 - 「 」: garan-no-dou.
These translations are entirely by Baka-Tsuki.
All I've done is condense each novel into one post and fix a few grammatical errors.
Previous
Around six days had passed since Touko was invited to the hospital as a provisional doctor. Every time Touko passed on the news to her employee that Ryougi Shiki's condition was improving every day; she couldn't help but have one little worry.
That is, whether or not the Ryougi Shiki of the present and the Ryougi Shiki of the past were the same to another person.
"Taking physiotherapy twice a day and getting a CT scan are like work for her. You'll be able to see her on the day she's released so just wait a little more."
Having come back from the hospital Touko smooths out her orange necktie and sits on the desk.
The time of evening with summer just ahead.
The red blaze of the sunset dyes the lightless interior of the office a dark orange.
"Physiotherapy twice a day? Will Shiki be okay with just that? She's been asleep for two years."
"They say they moved her joints for her even though the patient was asleep. On top of that physiotherapy isn't exercise. Five minutes a day is sufficient. Originally the term rehabilitation wasn't a medical term; but means the recovery of one's dignity as a human. That's how Ryougi Shiki, who has been lying around until now, has been able to regain the feeling that she is human. The body's recovery, well that's a different story."
Touko lights the cigarette she's holding in her mouth, cutting off the conversation for a while.
"But you know, the problem isn't of the body, but rather the mind. That kid is becoming different from the Ryougi Shiki of before."
"--- Is it... Memory loss?"
As if he had prepared for such a thing, he hesitantly says something stupid.
"Hmm, I wonder.... I believe her personality itself is the same as before. There hasn't been a change to Ryougi Shiki herself. What has changed is Shiki. I don't know if this will come as a shock to you."
"I'm plenty used to this kind of thing by now. Please explain fully. Shiki... what's happened to her?"
"Mmm, to tell the truth. She's completely empty.
Shiki who until now had always carried around another person inside of her... SHIKI no longer exists. No, she must be unsure whether or not she's even Shiki or SHIKI.
When she woke up SHIKI was already gone from inside her. Through his loss her mind has become a blank space. Maybe --- that kid won't be able to stand the empty space... Her heart is empty. Like a hole it's completely open. Even the air passes through like the wind."
"What do you mean SHIKI's gone --- how come?"
"He probably died in Shiki's stead. However it happened, Ryougi Shiki died in that accident two years ago. You might misunderstand since she's somehow still alive, but just assume for a minute that she died. Ryougi Shiki came back to life as a new entity inside the body of Ryougi Shiki. The Shiki of now, the Shiki of the past, and the Shiki of the present derived from those memories are nothing but strangers. No one can accept another person's history as their own. That child will perhaps be spending her nights with the thought that 'I'm still not myself'."
"... Another person? So, Shiki can't remember the things that have happened?"
"No, she remembers. At present she is definitely the Shiki you know. The reason she's still alive is because she had the equal but separate personalities of Shiki and SHIKI.
Ryougi Shiki suffered a death of the mind due to the accident. Let's say that SHIKI accepted the role of dying at that time. So, although she should have died at that moment, Shiki was still there in her brain and as a consequence her mind didn't die. Shiki has been asleep because of the death of Ryougi Shiki, but since it was SHIKI that died she was able to survive.
And so --- she was in a coma for two years, and although her body kept functioning she didn't grow; all because she was dead yet still alive.
But the revived her is different to the past Shiki in the details. It's not so bad as to call it memory loss but she probably won't be able to bring to mind any memories unless she needs to.
You can't say it's another person or that it's a complete stranger but she's now different from the Shiki you've known till now. A third personality which is an amalgam of the personalities of Shiki and SHIKI, it would be most appropriate to accept her as such."
... That's what she said, but in reality such a thing could not happen.
As long as Shiki was Ryougi, there was no need to mix with SHIKI who was her other half, and Shiki wouldn't be able to fill the hole left by SHIKI's absence by herself.
Avoiding any reference to that fact Touko continues talking.
"Even if she's revived as a wholly different person she's still Ryougi Shiki. No matter how little confidence you have in the fact that you are you --- that child is still Ryougi Shiki. Right now she probably can't even feel that she's alive, but the time will come when she will accept that she is Shiki.
A rose is born as a rose. It doesn't become a different flower just because the ground it's, on and the water it receives change."
So don't be so hung up over it all, she added in a whisper.
"Eventually an empty hole has to be filled. She will have to build a new self, not based on her memories of the past but through her experiences in the present. That's a shrine that no one can help her build. It's not something another person should meddle in. In short all you have to do is treat her as you've always done. Oh, and it seemed like they were going to release her pretty soon."
Throwing the burnt down cigarette stub out the window Touko raises her arms and straightens her back.
Crick, crick, crack. The sound her bones make can be clearly heard.
"I knew I shouldn't have done something I'm not used to. The cigarettes tasted so bad that I was about to go crazy."
She talked while letting out a long sigh as if she was tired of the world.
xxx
As the usual morning check-up ended I realised that it was now the 20th. Which meant that it has now been seven days since I woke up. My body has also recovered without a hitch so I am going to be released tomorrow. The bandages over my two eyes, I will also be able to take them off tomorrow morning.
Seven days... a week.
I haven't gained much during this period of time.
I've lost so many things that I'm not even sure what I've lost.
My parents, Akidaka, they are probably the same as they were before. But to me they feel like different people. The fading away of all that once surrounded me is something that can't be helped, since the one called Ryougi Shiki has changed.
I touch the bandage covering my eyes.
The only thing I gained in exchange for everything I have lost is this.
I, who experienced 「death」for two years while still alive. My body has changed so that I can now view such formless concepts.
The first thing I saw upon waking up from the coma was not the surprised nurse running towards me... It was the line wrapping around her throat. People, walls, even the air itself... there are incredibly fine lines visible on everything. Those lines were always moving and irregular. But I suffered from an obsession with the idea that death would spread out at any moment from those individual concepts and pull me in. I saw a hallucination in which the approaching nurse crumbled into pieces starting from the line in her neck.
When I understood what those lines were --- I crushed my two eyes with my own hands.
My hands hadn't moved in two years and just clenching them brought on agonizing pain, but I still moved my arms. Luckily or unluckily, my arms were still weak and I was stopped by the doctors in the process of destroying my eyes. They decided that it was just a sudden impulse brought on by the turbidity of my mind and weren't particularly interested in why I had tried to crush my eyes.
"Are my eyes --- going to recover soon?"
I don't want that. That kind of world, I never want to see it again.
A world where nothing exists. While I was 「there」, I was content and at peace.
--- I can't believe it now. Remembering that world after I woke up I thought about it and there couldn't be anything more pathetic than that world. That darkness, even if it was just a nightmare I dreamt up during my sleep --- I can't stand the thought of falling into that place again.
And, these two eyes of mine that are connected to that place.
I bring my fingertips to my eyes.
After that, all that's left is to stab my eyes with those fingertips as cleanly as if I was swinging a bamboo sword.
"Just a second, hold up. You give up too quickly."
Suddenly a noise.
I turn my senses towards the door.
The thing that is there is --- what is it?
Without a sound the someone comes closer, coming right up to the bed where I'm reposed.
"Is it the 'Mystic eyes of death perception'? It's too wasteful to destroy that Shiki. Especially seeing as anything you can see will be seen even if you ruin your eyes. You see, a curse is something that comes back if you throw it away."
"Are you --- human?"
My question provokes a reaction which sounds like somebody trying not to laugh.
Whoosh, I hear the sound of a lighter being flicked and a flame springing out.
"I'm a sorceress. I came here to teach you how to use those eyes of yours."
That familiar female voice... This someone is without a doubt the counsellor.
"What do you mean, how to use these eyes... ?"
"Well, it will only be a little better than now, but I suppose it's better than nothing. Your mystic eyes that can conceive another's death by just looking are the first since the time of the Celtic gods. Erasing them is too wasteful."
It's called Balor, the lady adds some incomprehensible words.
"Mystic eyes are normally the result of you bringing about some kind of augmentation effect for your eyes through spiritual surgery. But in your case I think they came about naturally. An ability you originally had was brought to the fore by the accident. By the sounds of it, it seemed that the child called Shiki was always seeing to the heart of everything."
... She talks as if she knows.
Actually, as she said, Shiki had always been gazing at a far-off location. I think that even while looking at a person she saw not the exterior, but that person's core.
Although Shiki herself wasn't aware of it.
"Well you see, that was definitely a control mechanism Shiki used unconsciously. You shouldn't try to look at exteriors.
Every object has flaws. The fancy of wishing everything could be taken apart and remade only exists because there's no such thing as a perfect object.
Your eyes can see those flaws, as if they were a microscope. Your spiritual sight is too strong. you can see those lines that are invisible to us and that brain of yours that was in contact with death for so long can even understand what they are. In conclusion, you can see death. Not only see it, but you can even touch it. A living organism's lines of death will keep changing position as long as it's alive. The ability to see those lines clearly, there's not much difference between that and mystic eyes that can kill with a look. If you must stab those eyes I will receive them instead. I will pay you any price you call."
"... Did you say I will be able to see this even if my eyes can't see? In that case there's no reason for me to stab them."
"Well, yes. You can't lead a normal life anyway. Leave your agonizing at that Ryougi Shiki. Open your eyes a bit. You are originally a human of my kind. If you are --- abandon any dreams you have of living like everyone else."
"---."
... That one sentence, in some ways it was conclusive.
But I felt as if I shouldn't accept it for some reason.
I reply with the strongest rebuttal I can manage at this time.
"Something as pitiful as an urge to live on --- I don't have any such thing."
"Heh. Is that because you've emptied your mind? But you don't want to die do you? Because you've seen that world. Since you've reached a state of realisation that not even a Keter can reach you gorged brat.
Do you understand? Your problems simple. Okay, you've revived as another person, so what? It's just that SHIKI isn't here. I guess since you and SHIKI were definitely a set his absence alone would mean that you are a whole different person. Even if you are the very embodiment of Shiki, I understand that you are different from before.
But what I'm saying is that that's as far as it goes.
Right now you are desperately rejecting death while you have no will to live. You have no reason to live on but you fear the thing called death. Life or death, unable to choose either side you are walking a tightrope on the boundary of the two. I suppose it's enough to empty your mind."
"... You keep chattering away as if you know everything..."
I glare at the woman. At that moment --- without a hint of doubt, my eyes which should be blind catch sight of the woman's outline and black lines.
「death」coils out towards me from the woman's lines.
"Did you see it? It's because there are flaws that they move with just that much contact. In the eyes of the idle spirits here, your body is the perfect vessel. If you don't wake up you are going to be hauled away and killed."
By that talk of being dragged away and killed does she mean that white smoke?
But that doesn't come around here anymore.
"Idle spirits are nothing more than a part of the soul left behind after death. They don't have a will so they just wander around. But as they are parts they keep grouping together to form a whole until they become a ghost. They don't have a will but basic desires remain. Thing's like, 'I want to return to my former self' or 'I want a human body'.
A hospital has a lot of idle spirits. They form drifting ghosts and look for a body they can inhabit. Since they are so weak normal people can't feel them or even come into contact with them. Formless spirits only follow people with paranormal abilities who can perceive them. Sorcerers who make a living out of talking to ghosts protect their egos with a shell so it's very rare for them to be taken down by a drifting ghost.
On the other hand --- they will probably latch onto a person with an empty heart, say you for example, pretty easily."
There is a hint of contempt in her voice as she speaks.
So, was that why that smoke came to me. If that was the case why didn't it possess me. If it had tried to become my kernel I wouldn't have resisted.
"--- Pathetic. Even the rune's protection is meaningless like this. That's it, as expected this doesn't suit you. Just do as you will after this."
After speaking so venomously the lady distanced herself from the bed.
Just before she shut the door to the room that lady left behind one last remark.
"But you know, did SHIKI really die for nothing Ryougi Shiki?"
I couldn't reply to that.
Really --- that lady only touches the subjects I am avoiding and leaves them behind like thorns.
⁂
It's night.
Darkness surrounds me. Tonight there isn't even the sound of anyone walking through the corridors.
In the midst of that night which was peaceful as a silent lake deep within a mountain range, I was recalling my conversation with that lady.
No, just that last undeniable question.
For what reason did SHIKI die in Shiki's stead. SHIKI isn't here to reply.
--- SHIKI who is no longer here.
Exactly why did he disappear.
What did he disappear in exchange for.
SHIKI who liked to dream.
He was always asleep. But on that night of the rain he abandoned even that action and died.
The self I can no longer meet, the self I could never meet in the first place.
SHIKI, who was always myself.
My consciousness settles down.
In an attempt to reach the conclusion he reached I look back through my memories.
Creak, the door to the room opens.
Following that slow footsteps approach me.
Is it a nurse? No, the time is already past midnight.
If it's a visitor, if could only be ---
At that moment a human hand wraps around my neck.
The cold hand squeezes as if to break my neck just like that.
xxx
"Ah ---."
The pressure on her neck makes Shiki cry out in pain.
I can't breathe. My throat is getting crushed. At this rate my neck is going to be twisted off before I have any problems breathing.
Shiki stares at the opponent with her unseeing eyes.
... It's not --- a human.
No, the body is that of a human, but the person who is choking the like out of her is already dead. A corpse is moving by itself and attacking Shiki who is on the bed.
The pressure on her neck does not ease.
Shiki resists, holding the attacker's arms with both hands but the difference in strength is obvious.
More than anything --- wasn't this what she wanted?
"---."
Shiki stop breathing and removes her hands from the corpse's arm.
If I'm going to be killed like this it's okay, so just give up. After all there's no meaning to my life. To exist when you cannot even feel that you are alive, there can be no greater agony than that.
To just disappear is natural providence, even a thought like that comes into my mind.
My strength is slipping away.
Although only a few seconds would have flowed past the times seems to pass very slowly. It stretches like a rubber band.
The corpse squeezes down on Shiki's throat. Heatless fingers that feel as if they are made of wood dig into her neck.
This murder has no feeling to it, and from the start there was no sign of a will behind it either.
The flesh of my neck tears.
The flow of blood is proof that I'm alive.
By dying --- dying like SHIKI --- I am throwing that away.
... Throwing it away? That phrase makes Shiki regain consciousness.
A sudden question forms.
Would he have died so willingly.
... That's right, I hadn't thought of that.
Whatever the reason, would his will have been completely behind his decision?
There's no way he would have wanted to die.
--- Death is such a lonely and worthless thing.
Death is such a black and unpleasant thing.
Death, would have been scarier than anything else --- !
"--- No."
All of a sudden Shiki's body is vitalised.
Grabbing the corpse's neck with both hands she pushes the opponent's belly with one foot from her squashed position and ---
"I don't want to fall into that place again --- !"
--- Kicks the lump of meat with all her might.
Slip, slipping from the bloody flesh the corpse's hands come off Shiki's neck.
Shiki gets off the bed.
The corpse leaps at Shiki straight away and the two get tangled up in the lightless hospital room.
The corpse's body is that of an adult human, two heads bigger than Shiki. No matter how she struggles Shiki is pushed back. With both arms trapped Shiki slowly pulls back. It's a small hospital room so she soon reaches the wall. Whack, the moment she touched the wall Shiki made up her mind.
She voluntarily fled so that there would be a window behind her.
She calculated how she would fall back.
The problem --- how many floors up it is.
"--- Don't hesitate."
Scolding herself she removes the arms that were holding the corpse back.
The corpse stretches its hands towards her neck, but faster than that --- she opened the window with her freed hands and the two fell out as if they were getting tangled up.
⁂
The instant I begin to fall.
I grab the corpse's head and reverse who is above and who is below.
(spin - SoundFX), after the arrangement changed so that the corpse was on the ground side and I was on top riding it, I jumped by sense alone.
The ground already seems to be right in front of my nose.
The corpse's body gets hurled against the ground, and I was jumping horizontal to the ground before my body could roll over.
(Ururu - SoundFX), scattering the dirt of the hospital lawn I land with both arms and legs.
The corpse fell on the hospital flower beds --- and it happened that I slipped and fell on the lawn which is a fair distance from there.
I had just executed a miraculous fall, the likes of which I hadn't done once in the dojo --- but the weight of that great height of three floors was paralysing my body.
Around me are only the trees of the garden and the silent night, where not a sound can be heard even when it's like this.
My body doesn't move and I can only feel the pain in my neck.
Ahhhh --- I'm still alive.
And --- That corpse hasn't died yet.
If I don't want to die it's obvious as to what I need to do.
Kill before you are killed. Just by thinking that the emptiness in my heart disappears. A the same time a lot of feelings are unlocked.
"Really, what is this." I grumble.
Through this sort of thing I open my eyes.
Yes --- the me that was brooding for so long seems like an idiot.
When the answer is so simple.
⁂
"How surprising. Are you a cat?"
The voice comes from right behind Shiki.
Without turning to look Shiki was valiantly enduring the shock of the landing.
"You? Why are you at a place like this?"
The self-titled magus/counsellor answers Shiki's question as if it wasn't important.
"Because I was keeping watch. I was standing guard thinking they would come around tonight or so. See, you don't have any time to rest. A hospital definitely has some strong corpses. They can't get into a live body so they decided to show their abilities. After infecting a corpse they were going to make you theirs after killing you."
"Whatever's going on, it's all the fault of that weird rock you gave me."
Shiki talks as she leans against the ground. In her words there's not even a hint of the hesitation she has shown until now.
"Oh, you knew? Well, yes. This is definitely my mistake. I placed a ward around the room so spirits couldn't get in, but I never expected they would go and obtain a body in order to break it. Normally they don't have that sort of intelligence."
Hahaha, the magus laughs as if she's amused.
"Really? In that case you do something."
"Okay."
Tock, and the magus lifts her finger.
How would it have looked to the Shiki who couldn't see?
The magus writes in the air with her cigarette flame. The writing is reflected on the corpse as if it were being projected.
The far-off country composed only of straight lines, the engraved sorcery of a far-off world. The circuit called Rune moves and in an instant --- the body of the corpse lying collapsed on the ground begins to burn.
"--- it's too weak with just the F in the air." The magus mumbles.
The flame covered corpse slowly stands up.
Somehow moving with two completely broken legs the corpse drags itself towards Shiki as if moving by muscle power along.
The flames soon go out.
"Oi --- you charlatan."
"Don't shout like that. It's very difficult to destroy something the size of a human. A living person is finished if you just burn the heart, but you can't do that with the living dead. They are dead so it doesn't matter whether they lose a head of an arm. You realise that you can't get rid of a human itself with something that has the firepower of a gun right? To stop that thing you would have to bring the firepower of a crematorium --- or a monk of high moral integrity."
"That's enough showing off. Whatever the problem I think it's too much for you to handle."
It seemed that Shiki's comment severely hurt the magus's self-respect.
"It's too much for you to handle either. A corpse is already dead so you can't kill it. Coincidentally, while you can kill a person with what you have you can't get rid of them. Let's run away for now."
The magus retreats.
But Shiki doesn't move.
It's not that the descent from the third floor broke her leg.
She is, just smiling.
"Whether it's dead or whatever, that corpse is 'alive'. In that case ---."
She gets up from her leaning position.
That was similar to the bent-back posture of a predator leaping at its prey.
Shhhk, she touches her neck. Blood is still flowing. The flesh is torn. There is a mark where she was strangled --- but she is still alive.
And that was an ecstatic sensation.
"--- Whatever it is, I'm going to kill it."
Shrrrg, she unwraps the bandages covering her eyes.
In the darkness the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception are awakened.
Two delicate legs kick the ground.
The corpse reaches out with its arms at Shiki who is rushing towards it.
Narrowly slipping past it she rips apart the corpse with one hand as if she is feeling for the line visible to her eyes.
Shiki's nails pass through in an even cut from the right shoulder to the left hip.
Thanks to that her fingerbone broke but the corpse's wound was much greater.
(collapse -SoundFX), because the strings controlling it have been cut the corpse falls to the ground. One arm though apparently still has strings attached and the corpse which has slowly crawled over to her grabs Shiki's ankle.
Shiki doesn't hesitate and grinds that arm under her foot.
"A dead body shouldn't appear before me," said Shiki and laughed silently.
I'm alive.
It's like my state of mind until now was a lie, to think that I can so clearly feel that I'm alive...
"Shiki!
Calling Shiki loudly the magus throws something towards her.
One undecorated silver-coloured knife.
Shiki grabs the knife which stuck in the ground and looks the still moving corpse as if it were a wart. And just like that, she stabs the corpse's neck with the knife.
The corpse quickly stops moving --- but then.
"Idiot, if you are going to stab it stab the main body itself!"
The disastrous result appeared faster than the magus's scolding.
As soon as Shiki stabbed the corpse --- smoke popped out of the dead body. Becoming desperate as if it wants to run away the smoke disappears into Shiki's body.
"---,"
(collapse-SoundFX), Shiki's knees limply hit the ground.
Unable to infect her till now because she was conscious, the spirits take advantage of the instant when Shiki loses her sense of self due to the excitement of killing and invade her body.
"You fumbled the finish idiot."
The magus comes running over. But Shiki's body stops that with one hand.
Don't come, at this signal the magus stops and stands still.
Shiki's body grabs the hilt of the knife with both hands and points the blade at her own chest.
The blank eyes regain their strong resolve.
Lips shut tight, she bites down on her teeth.
The tip of the knife touches her chest.
Her will and her body --- they have not been taken over by something so weak as a wandering spirit.
"Now I won't lose you."
Her mumbling isn't directed at anyone else, it's directed at herself. Shiki perceives the death of the thing crawling around inside her.
What is being stabbed is Ryougi Shiki's body. But, that only kills that collective entity that cannot exist. Shiki is confident that she will not receive a wound.
And so she gathered her strength.
"I am killing the weak me."
To something like you --- I will not hand over Ryougi Shiki.
The knife slides easily into her chest.
⁂
She pulls out the silver-coloured knife.
No blood flows. She only has the pain to tell her that she has stabbed her chest.
Shing, Shiki swings the knife as if she is shaking the dirty soul of the blade.
"Hey, you said it. That you would teach me the way to use these eyes."
Her way of speaking now begins to settle into a pattern. The magus nods her head in satisfaction at this change.
"There are conditions, but I'll teach you how to use your death perception. In return help me with my work. I just lost the one I bossed around so I need a new pair of feet and hands right now."
Shiki doesn't even turn around to face the magus and quietly says, "So that's how it is".
"If I do that can I kill people?"
It's an utterance to make even the magus shiver.
"Ahhh, of course."
"In that case I will do it. Use me as you will. Since I didn't have any objectives apart from that anyway."
Shiki with her melancholic voice, she slowly sinks to the ground. Maybe because of her exhaustion from the recent events --- or maybe because of her violent act of stabbing her own chest.
The magus picks up her body and gazes at her sleeping face. A face too ambiguous to call it sleep --- a frozen face as if she is dead.
The sorceress who gazes upon that face for a long while. Before long she mumbles some words.
"You say you don't have any objectives? That's tragic, you know, you are still confused."
Shiki's peaceful appearance.
The sorceress talks as if she resents it.
"The fact that you are empty means that you can fill that emptiness with as much as you want. You happy person, where's a better future than that?"
Mumbling something like that the magus clicks her tongue.
Because she is embarrassed at herself for saying such sincere words.
... When they were things she had forgotten for such a long time.
xxx
I think of the time when my consciousness has fallen into dreaming and settled down.
SHIKI who has disappeared. A self who was another person. What did he disappear in exchange for, what did he sacrifice his life to protect?
Going through Ryougi Shiki's memories, I realised what.
Probably --- SHIKI protected his dream. His dream that he would live happily.
Was that dream that class friend. Or was that young man the person he wanted to be as a man. That's something I can no longer find out.
SHIKI disappeared so he wouldn't lose him and Shiki.
Leaving me, with this deep solitude.
⁂
The morning sunlight enters the room.
At that warmth my eyes which have recovered their sight open.
I'm sleeping on the bed. That incident last night would have been settled well by the sorceress. No, that kind of thing is unimportant. Rather than things like that lets think of him for now.
Still in that prone position, I lay there without even moving my head and breathed in the morning air.
How long has it been since I woke to the morning sunlight?
Thin but strong. The bright light colours over the darkness in my heart.
This strange life I have just taken hold of and --- The other me that will not return, they melt together and disappear into the light. The existence of Ryougi SHIKI and his dreams, are disappearing.
If I could cry, I wanted to shed tears for him. But my eyes are dry. I've decided to cry only once and it's not right to cry about this.
Now that I can no longer go back I'll never regret it again.
Like this darkness, opening up in front of the morning sunlight.
To disappear cleanly like this, it's what he would have wanted.
⁂
"Hello, Shiki."
A voice from next to me.
I just twist my head to the side.
Standing there is the friend I knew a long time ago. The black-rimmed glasses, even his unstyled black hair, he really hasn't changed.
"Do you, know me... ?"
His voice is strangely shaky.
... Ahhh, I already knew. That you were always waiting for Shiki and that only you were always there, protecting me.
"Kokuto Mikiya, it's like a French poet."
At my mumbling voice he smiles brightly. Like when we met at school after just one day, that brightly.
How much effort was hidden in that simple smile, I can't know.
Only --- it seems he remembers that promise as well.
"It's great that the weather is nice today. Perfect to get out of hospital."
With tears brimming in his eyes he speaks as naturally as he can.
To the empty me, that was warmer than anything. A smiling face over a crying face, that's what this friend chose.
To acknowledge isolation rather than be isolated, that's what SHIKI chose.
--- Although I haven't chosen either side yet.
"... Ahhh. Are there things that don't disappear?"
His smiling face that seems to become one with the soft sunlight, I just blankly gazed upon it.
Till I was sick of it.
--- I know that the hole punched in my chest can't be filled with things like that, but right now I don't want to do anything else. Because...
... His soft, smiling face.
That was the same face as the one in my memories.
All I've done is condense each novel into one post and fix a few grammatical errors.
Previous
Around six days had passed since Touko was invited to the hospital as a provisional doctor. Every time Touko passed on the news to her employee that Ryougi Shiki's condition was improving every day; she couldn't help but have one little worry.
That is, whether or not the Ryougi Shiki of the present and the Ryougi Shiki of the past were the same to another person.
"Taking physiotherapy twice a day and getting a CT scan are like work for her. You'll be able to see her on the day she's released so just wait a little more."
Having come back from the hospital Touko smooths out her orange necktie and sits on the desk.
The time of evening with summer just ahead.
The red blaze of the sunset dyes the lightless interior of the office a dark orange.
"Physiotherapy twice a day? Will Shiki be okay with just that? She's been asleep for two years."
"They say they moved her joints for her even though the patient was asleep. On top of that physiotherapy isn't exercise. Five minutes a day is sufficient. Originally the term rehabilitation wasn't a medical term; but means the recovery of one's dignity as a human. That's how Ryougi Shiki, who has been lying around until now, has been able to regain the feeling that she is human. The body's recovery, well that's a different story."
Touko lights the cigarette she's holding in her mouth, cutting off the conversation for a while.
"But you know, the problem isn't of the body, but rather the mind. That kid is becoming different from the Ryougi Shiki of before."
"--- Is it... Memory loss?"
As if he had prepared for such a thing, he hesitantly says something stupid.
"Hmm, I wonder.... I believe her personality itself is the same as before. There hasn't been a change to Ryougi Shiki herself. What has changed is Shiki. I don't know if this will come as a shock to you."
"I'm plenty used to this kind of thing by now. Please explain fully. Shiki... what's happened to her?"
"Mmm, to tell the truth. She's completely empty.
Shiki who until now had always carried around another person inside of her... SHIKI no longer exists. No, she must be unsure whether or not she's even Shiki or SHIKI.
When she woke up SHIKI was already gone from inside her. Through his loss her mind has become a blank space. Maybe --- that kid won't be able to stand the empty space... Her heart is empty. Like a hole it's completely open. Even the air passes through like the wind."
"What do you mean SHIKI's gone --- how come?"
"He probably died in Shiki's stead. However it happened, Ryougi Shiki died in that accident two years ago. You might misunderstand since she's somehow still alive, but just assume for a minute that she died. Ryougi Shiki came back to life as a new entity inside the body of Ryougi Shiki. The Shiki of now, the Shiki of the past, and the Shiki of the present derived from those memories are nothing but strangers. No one can accept another person's history as their own. That child will perhaps be spending her nights with the thought that 'I'm still not myself'."
"... Another person? So, Shiki can't remember the things that have happened?"
"No, she remembers. At present she is definitely the Shiki you know. The reason she's still alive is because she had the equal but separate personalities of Shiki and SHIKI.
Ryougi Shiki suffered a death of the mind due to the accident. Let's say that SHIKI accepted the role of dying at that time. So, although she should have died at that moment, Shiki was still there in her brain and as a consequence her mind didn't die. Shiki has been asleep because of the death of Ryougi Shiki, but since it was SHIKI that died she was able to survive.
And so --- she was in a coma for two years, and although her body kept functioning she didn't grow; all because she was dead yet still alive.
But the revived her is different to the past Shiki in the details. It's not so bad as to call it memory loss but she probably won't be able to bring to mind any memories unless she needs to.
You can't say it's another person or that it's a complete stranger but she's now different from the Shiki you've known till now. A third personality which is an amalgam of the personalities of Shiki and SHIKI, it would be most appropriate to accept her as such."
... That's what she said, but in reality such a thing could not happen.
As long as Shiki was Ryougi, there was no need to mix with SHIKI who was her other half, and Shiki wouldn't be able to fill the hole left by SHIKI's absence by herself.
Avoiding any reference to that fact Touko continues talking.
"Even if she's revived as a wholly different person she's still Ryougi Shiki. No matter how little confidence you have in the fact that you are you --- that child is still Ryougi Shiki. Right now she probably can't even feel that she's alive, but the time will come when she will accept that she is Shiki.
A rose is born as a rose. It doesn't become a different flower just because the ground it's, on and the water it receives change."
So don't be so hung up over it all, she added in a whisper.
"Eventually an empty hole has to be filled. She will have to build a new self, not based on her memories of the past but through her experiences in the present. That's a shrine that no one can help her build. It's not something another person should meddle in. In short all you have to do is treat her as you've always done. Oh, and it seemed like they were going to release her pretty soon."
Throwing the burnt down cigarette stub out the window Touko raises her arms and straightens her back.
Crick, crick, crack. The sound her bones make can be clearly heard.
"I knew I shouldn't have done something I'm not used to. The cigarettes tasted so bad that I was about to go crazy."
She talked while letting out a long sigh as if she was tired of the world.
xxx
As the usual morning check-up ended I realised that it was now the 20th. Which meant that it has now been seven days since I woke up. My body has also recovered without a hitch so I am going to be released tomorrow. The bandages over my two eyes, I will also be able to take them off tomorrow morning.
Seven days... a week.
I haven't gained much during this period of time.
I've lost so many things that I'm not even sure what I've lost.
My parents, Akidaka, they are probably the same as they were before. But to me they feel like different people. The fading away of all that once surrounded me is something that can't be helped, since the one called Ryougi Shiki has changed.
I touch the bandage covering my eyes.
The only thing I gained in exchange for everything I have lost is this.
I, who experienced 「death」for two years while still alive. My body has changed so that I can now view such formless concepts.
The first thing I saw upon waking up from the coma was not the surprised nurse running towards me... It was the line wrapping around her throat. People, walls, even the air itself... there are incredibly fine lines visible on everything. Those lines were always moving and irregular. But I suffered from an obsession with the idea that death would spread out at any moment from those individual concepts and pull me in. I saw a hallucination in which the approaching nurse crumbled into pieces starting from the line in her neck.
When I understood what those lines were --- I crushed my two eyes with my own hands.
My hands hadn't moved in two years and just clenching them brought on agonizing pain, but I still moved my arms. Luckily or unluckily, my arms were still weak and I was stopped by the doctors in the process of destroying my eyes. They decided that it was just a sudden impulse brought on by the turbidity of my mind and weren't particularly interested in why I had tried to crush my eyes.
"Are my eyes --- going to recover soon?"
I don't want that. That kind of world, I never want to see it again.
A world where nothing exists. While I was 「there」, I was content and at peace.
--- I can't believe it now. Remembering that world after I woke up I thought about it and there couldn't be anything more pathetic than that world. That darkness, even if it was just a nightmare I dreamt up during my sleep --- I can't stand the thought of falling into that place again.
And, these two eyes of mine that are connected to that place.
I bring my fingertips to my eyes.
After that, all that's left is to stab my eyes with those fingertips as cleanly as if I was swinging a bamboo sword.
"Just a second, hold up. You give up too quickly."
Suddenly a noise.
I turn my senses towards the door.
The thing that is there is --- what is it?
Without a sound the someone comes closer, coming right up to the bed where I'm reposed.
"Is it the 'Mystic eyes of death perception'? It's too wasteful to destroy that Shiki. Especially seeing as anything you can see will be seen even if you ruin your eyes. You see, a curse is something that comes back if you throw it away."
"Are you --- human?"
My question provokes a reaction which sounds like somebody trying not to laugh.
Whoosh, I hear the sound of a lighter being flicked and a flame springing out.
"I'm a sorceress. I came here to teach you how to use those eyes of yours."
That familiar female voice... This someone is without a doubt the counsellor.
"What do you mean, how to use these eyes... ?"
"Well, it will only be a little better than now, but I suppose it's better than nothing. Your mystic eyes that can conceive another's death by just looking are the first since the time of the Celtic gods. Erasing them is too wasteful."
It's called Balor, the lady adds some incomprehensible words.
"Mystic eyes are normally the result of you bringing about some kind of augmentation effect for your eyes through spiritual surgery. But in your case I think they came about naturally. An ability you originally had was brought to the fore by the accident. By the sounds of it, it seemed that the child called Shiki was always seeing to the heart of everything."
... She talks as if she knows.
Actually, as she said, Shiki had always been gazing at a far-off location. I think that even while looking at a person she saw not the exterior, but that person's core.
Although Shiki herself wasn't aware of it.
"Well you see, that was definitely a control mechanism Shiki used unconsciously. You shouldn't try to look at exteriors.
Every object has flaws. The fancy of wishing everything could be taken apart and remade only exists because there's no such thing as a perfect object.
Your eyes can see those flaws, as if they were a microscope. Your spiritual sight is too strong. you can see those lines that are invisible to us and that brain of yours that was in contact with death for so long can even understand what they are. In conclusion, you can see death. Not only see it, but you can even touch it. A living organism's lines of death will keep changing position as long as it's alive. The ability to see those lines clearly, there's not much difference between that and mystic eyes that can kill with a look. If you must stab those eyes I will receive them instead. I will pay you any price you call."
"... Did you say I will be able to see this even if my eyes can't see? In that case there's no reason for me to stab them."
"Well, yes. You can't lead a normal life anyway. Leave your agonizing at that Ryougi Shiki. Open your eyes a bit. You are originally a human of my kind. If you are --- abandon any dreams you have of living like everyone else."
"---."
... That one sentence, in some ways it was conclusive.
But I felt as if I shouldn't accept it for some reason.
I reply with the strongest rebuttal I can manage at this time.
"Something as pitiful as an urge to live on --- I don't have any such thing."
"Heh. Is that because you've emptied your mind? But you don't want to die do you? Because you've seen that world. Since you've reached a state of realisation that not even a Keter can reach you gorged brat.
Do you understand? Your problems simple. Okay, you've revived as another person, so what? It's just that SHIKI isn't here. I guess since you and SHIKI were definitely a set his absence alone would mean that you are a whole different person. Even if you are the very embodiment of Shiki, I understand that you are different from before.
But what I'm saying is that that's as far as it goes.
Right now you are desperately rejecting death while you have no will to live. You have no reason to live on but you fear the thing called death. Life or death, unable to choose either side you are walking a tightrope on the boundary of the two. I suppose it's enough to empty your mind."
"... You keep chattering away as if you know everything..."
I glare at the woman. At that moment --- without a hint of doubt, my eyes which should be blind catch sight of the woman's outline and black lines.
「death」coils out towards me from the woman's lines.
"Did you see it? It's because there are flaws that they move with just that much contact. In the eyes of the idle spirits here, your body is the perfect vessel. If you don't wake up you are going to be hauled away and killed."
By that talk of being dragged away and killed does she mean that white smoke?
But that doesn't come around here anymore.
"Idle spirits are nothing more than a part of the soul left behind after death. They don't have a will so they just wander around. But as they are parts they keep grouping together to form a whole until they become a ghost. They don't have a will but basic desires remain. Thing's like, 'I want to return to my former self' or 'I want a human body'.
A hospital has a lot of idle spirits. They form drifting ghosts and look for a body they can inhabit. Since they are so weak normal people can't feel them or even come into contact with them. Formless spirits only follow people with paranormal abilities who can perceive them. Sorcerers who make a living out of talking to ghosts protect their egos with a shell so it's very rare for them to be taken down by a drifting ghost.
On the other hand --- they will probably latch onto a person with an empty heart, say you for example, pretty easily."
There is a hint of contempt in her voice as she speaks.
So, was that why that smoke came to me. If that was the case why didn't it possess me. If it had tried to become my kernel I wouldn't have resisted.
"--- Pathetic. Even the rune's protection is meaningless like this. That's it, as expected this doesn't suit you. Just do as you will after this."
After speaking so venomously the lady distanced herself from the bed.
Just before she shut the door to the room that lady left behind one last remark.
"But you know, did SHIKI really die for nothing Ryougi Shiki?"
I couldn't reply to that.
Really --- that lady only touches the subjects I am avoiding and leaves them behind like thorns.
⁂
It's night.
Darkness surrounds me. Tonight there isn't even the sound of anyone walking through the corridors.
In the midst of that night which was peaceful as a silent lake deep within a mountain range, I was recalling my conversation with that lady.
No, just that last undeniable question.
For what reason did SHIKI die in Shiki's stead. SHIKI isn't here to reply.
--- SHIKI who is no longer here.
Exactly why did he disappear.
What did he disappear in exchange for.
SHIKI who liked to dream.
He was always asleep. But on that night of the rain he abandoned even that action and died.
The self I can no longer meet, the self I could never meet in the first place.
SHIKI, who was always myself.
My consciousness settles down.
In an attempt to reach the conclusion he reached I look back through my memories.
Creak, the door to the room opens.
Following that slow footsteps approach me.
Is it a nurse? No, the time is already past midnight.
If it's a visitor, if could only be ---
At that moment a human hand wraps around my neck.
The cold hand squeezes as if to break my neck just like that.
xxx
"Ah ---."
The pressure on her neck makes Shiki cry out in pain.
I can't breathe. My throat is getting crushed. At this rate my neck is going to be twisted off before I have any problems breathing.
Shiki stares at the opponent with her unseeing eyes.
... It's not --- a human.
No, the body is that of a human, but the person who is choking the like out of her is already dead. A corpse is moving by itself and attacking Shiki who is on the bed.
The pressure on her neck does not ease.
Shiki resists, holding the attacker's arms with both hands but the difference in strength is obvious.
More than anything --- wasn't this what she wanted?
"---."
Shiki stop breathing and removes her hands from the corpse's arm.
If I'm going to be killed like this it's okay, so just give up. After all there's no meaning to my life. To exist when you cannot even feel that you are alive, there can be no greater agony than that.
To just disappear is natural providence, even a thought like that comes into my mind.
My strength is slipping away.
Although only a few seconds would have flowed past the times seems to pass very slowly. It stretches like a rubber band.
The corpse squeezes down on Shiki's throat. Heatless fingers that feel as if they are made of wood dig into her neck.
This murder has no feeling to it, and from the start there was no sign of a will behind it either.
The flesh of my neck tears.
The flow of blood is proof that I'm alive.
By dying --- dying like SHIKI --- I am throwing that away.
... Throwing it away? That phrase makes Shiki regain consciousness.
A sudden question forms.
Would he have died so willingly.
... That's right, I hadn't thought of that.
Whatever the reason, would his will have been completely behind his decision?
There's no way he would have wanted to die.
--- Death is such a lonely and worthless thing.
Death is such a black and unpleasant thing.
Death, would have been scarier than anything else --- !
"--- No."
All of a sudden Shiki's body is vitalised.
Grabbing the corpse's neck with both hands she pushes the opponent's belly with one foot from her squashed position and ---
"I don't want to fall into that place again --- !"
--- Kicks the lump of meat with all her might.
Slip, slipping from the bloody flesh the corpse's hands come off Shiki's neck.
Shiki gets off the bed.
The corpse leaps at Shiki straight away and the two get tangled up in the lightless hospital room.
The corpse's body is that of an adult human, two heads bigger than Shiki. No matter how she struggles Shiki is pushed back. With both arms trapped Shiki slowly pulls back. It's a small hospital room so she soon reaches the wall. Whack, the moment she touched the wall Shiki made up her mind.
She voluntarily fled so that there would be a window behind her.
She calculated how she would fall back.
The problem --- how many floors up it is.
"--- Don't hesitate."
Scolding herself she removes the arms that were holding the corpse back.
The corpse stretches its hands towards her neck, but faster than that --- she opened the window with her freed hands and the two fell out as if they were getting tangled up.
⁂
The instant I begin to fall.
I grab the corpse's head and reverse who is above and who is below.
(spin - SoundFX), after the arrangement changed so that the corpse was on the ground side and I was on top riding it, I jumped by sense alone.
The ground already seems to be right in front of my nose.
The corpse's body gets hurled against the ground, and I was jumping horizontal to the ground before my body could roll over.
(Ururu - SoundFX), scattering the dirt of the hospital lawn I land with both arms and legs.
The corpse fell on the hospital flower beds --- and it happened that I slipped and fell on the lawn which is a fair distance from there.
I had just executed a miraculous fall, the likes of which I hadn't done once in the dojo --- but the weight of that great height of three floors was paralysing my body.
Around me are only the trees of the garden and the silent night, where not a sound can be heard even when it's like this.
My body doesn't move and I can only feel the pain in my neck.
Ahhhh --- I'm still alive.
And --- That corpse hasn't died yet.
If I don't want to die it's obvious as to what I need to do.
Kill before you are killed. Just by thinking that the emptiness in my heart disappears. A the same time a lot of feelings are unlocked.
"Really, what is this." I grumble.
Through this sort of thing I open my eyes.
Yes --- the me that was brooding for so long seems like an idiot.
When the answer is so simple.
⁂
"How surprising. Are you a cat?"
The voice comes from right behind Shiki.
Without turning to look Shiki was valiantly enduring the shock of the landing.
"You? Why are you at a place like this?"
The self-titled magus/counsellor answers Shiki's question as if it wasn't important.
"Because I was keeping watch. I was standing guard thinking they would come around tonight or so. See, you don't have any time to rest. A hospital definitely has some strong corpses. They can't get into a live body so they decided to show their abilities. After infecting a corpse they were going to make you theirs after killing you."
"Whatever's going on, it's all the fault of that weird rock you gave me."
Shiki talks as she leans against the ground. In her words there's not even a hint of the hesitation she has shown until now.
"Oh, you knew? Well, yes. This is definitely my mistake. I placed a ward around the room so spirits couldn't get in, but I never expected they would go and obtain a body in order to break it. Normally they don't have that sort of intelligence."
Hahaha, the magus laughs as if she's amused.
"Really? In that case you do something."
"Okay."
Tock, and the magus lifts her finger.
How would it have looked to the Shiki who couldn't see?
The magus writes in the air with her cigarette flame. The writing is reflected on the corpse as if it were being projected.
The far-off country composed only of straight lines, the engraved sorcery of a far-off world. The circuit called Rune moves and in an instant --- the body of the corpse lying collapsed on the ground begins to burn.
"--- it's too weak with just the F in the air." The magus mumbles.
The flame covered corpse slowly stands up.
Somehow moving with two completely broken legs the corpse drags itself towards Shiki as if moving by muscle power along.
The flames soon go out.
"Oi --- you charlatan."
"Don't shout like that. It's very difficult to destroy something the size of a human. A living person is finished if you just burn the heart, but you can't do that with the living dead. They are dead so it doesn't matter whether they lose a head of an arm. You realise that you can't get rid of a human itself with something that has the firepower of a gun right? To stop that thing you would have to bring the firepower of a crematorium --- or a monk of high moral integrity."
"That's enough showing off. Whatever the problem I think it's too much for you to handle."
It seemed that Shiki's comment severely hurt the magus's self-respect.
"It's too much for you to handle either. A corpse is already dead so you can't kill it. Coincidentally, while you can kill a person with what you have you can't get rid of them. Let's run away for now."
The magus retreats.
But Shiki doesn't move.
It's not that the descent from the third floor broke her leg.
She is, just smiling.
"Whether it's dead or whatever, that corpse is 'alive'. In that case ---."
She gets up from her leaning position.
That was similar to the bent-back posture of a predator leaping at its prey.
Shhhk, she touches her neck. Blood is still flowing. The flesh is torn. There is a mark where she was strangled --- but she is still alive.
And that was an ecstatic sensation.
"--- Whatever it is, I'm going to kill it."
Shrrrg, she unwraps the bandages covering her eyes.
In the darkness the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception are awakened.
Two delicate legs kick the ground.
The corpse reaches out with its arms at Shiki who is rushing towards it.
Narrowly slipping past it she rips apart the corpse with one hand as if she is feeling for the line visible to her eyes.
Shiki's nails pass through in an even cut from the right shoulder to the left hip.
Thanks to that her fingerbone broke but the corpse's wound was much greater.
(collapse -SoundFX), because the strings controlling it have been cut the corpse falls to the ground. One arm though apparently still has strings attached and the corpse which has slowly crawled over to her grabs Shiki's ankle.
Shiki doesn't hesitate and grinds that arm under her foot.
"A dead body shouldn't appear before me," said Shiki and laughed silently.
I'm alive.
It's like my state of mind until now was a lie, to think that I can so clearly feel that I'm alive...
"Shiki!
Calling Shiki loudly the magus throws something towards her.
One undecorated silver-coloured knife.
Shiki grabs the knife which stuck in the ground and looks the still moving corpse as if it were a wart. And just like that, she stabs the corpse's neck with the knife.
The corpse quickly stops moving --- but then.
"Idiot, if you are going to stab it stab the main body itself!"
The disastrous result appeared faster than the magus's scolding.
As soon as Shiki stabbed the corpse --- smoke popped out of the dead body. Becoming desperate as if it wants to run away the smoke disappears into Shiki's body.
"---,"
(collapse-SoundFX), Shiki's knees limply hit the ground.
Unable to infect her till now because she was conscious, the spirits take advantage of the instant when Shiki loses her sense of self due to the excitement of killing and invade her body.
"You fumbled the finish idiot."
The magus comes running over. But Shiki's body stops that with one hand.
Don't come, at this signal the magus stops and stands still.
Shiki's body grabs the hilt of the knife with both hands and points the blade at her own chest.
The blank eyes regain their strong resolve.
Lips shut tight, she bites down on her teeth.
The tip of the knife touches her chest.
Her will and her body --- they have not been taken over by something so weak as a wandering spirit.
"Now I won't lose you."
Her mumbling isn't directed at anyone else, it's directed at herself. Shiki perceives the death of the thing crawling around inside her.
What is being stabbed is Ryougi Shiki's body. But, that only kills that collective entity that cannot exist. Shiki is confident that she will not receive a wound.
And so she gathered her strength.
"I am killing the weak me."
To something like you --- I will not hand over Ryougi Shiki.
The knife slides easily into her chest.
⁂
She pulls out the silver-coloured knife.
No blood flows. She only has the pain to tell her that she has stabbed her chest.
Shing, Shiki swings the knife as if she is shaking the dirty soul of the blade.
"Hey, you said it. That you would teach me the way to use these eyes."
Her way of speaking now begins to settle into a pattern. The magus nods her head in satisfaction at this change.
"There are conditions, but I'll teach you how to use your death perception. In return help me with my work. I just lost the one I bossed around so I need a new pair of feet and hands right now."
Shiki doesn't even turn around to face the magus and quietly says, "So that's how it is".
"If I do that can I kill people?"
It's an utterance to make even the magus shiver.
"Ahhh, of course."
"In that case I will do it. Use me as you will. Since I didn't have any objectives apart from that anyway."
Shiki with her melancholic voice, she slowly sinks to the ground. Maybe because of her exhaustion from the recent events --- or maybe because of her violent act of stabbing her own chest.
The magus picks up her body and gazes at her sleeping face. A face too ambiguous to call it sleep --- a frozen face as if she is dead.
The sorceress who gazes upon that face for a long while. Before long she mumbles some words.
"You say you don't have any objectives? That's tragic, you know, you are still confused."
Shiki's peaceful appearance.
The sorceress talks as if she resents it.
"The fact that you are empty means that you can fill that emptiness with as much as you want. You happy person, where's a better future than that?"
Mumbling something like that the magus clicks her tongue.
Because she is embarrassed at herself for saying such sincere words.
... When they were things she had forgotten for such a long time.
xxx
I think of the time when my consciousness has fallen into dreaming and settled down.
SHIKI who has disappeared. A self who was another person. What did he disappear in exchange for, what did he sacrifice his life to protect?
Going through Ryougi Shiki's memories, I realised what.
Probably --- SHIKI protected his dream. His dream that he would live happily.
Was that dream that class friend. Or was that young man the person he wanted to be as a man. That's something I can no longer find out.
SHIKI disappeared so he wouldn't lose him and Shiki.
Leaving me, with this deep solitude.
⁂
The morning sunlight enters the room.
At that warmth my eyes which have recovered their sight open.
I'm sleeping on the bed. That incident last night would have been settled well by the sorceress. No, that kind of thing is unimportant. Rather than things like that lets think of him for now.
Still in that prone position, I lay there without even moving my head and breathed in the morning air.
How long has it been since I woke to the morning sunlight?
Thin but strong. The bright light colours over the darkness in my heart.
This strange life I have just taken hold of and --- The other me that will not return, they melt together and disappear into the light. The existence of Ryougi SHIKI and his dreams, are disappearing.
If I could cry, I wanted to shed tears for him. But my eyes are dry. I've decided to cry only once and it's not right to cry about this.
Now that I can no longer go back I'll never regret it again.
Like this darkness, opening up in front of the morning sunlight.
To disappear cleanly like this, it's what he would have wanted.
⁂
"Hello, Shiki."
A voice from next to me.
I just twist my head to the side.
Standing there is the friend I knew a long time ago. The black-rimmed glasses, even his unstyled black hair, he really hasn't changed.
"Do you, know me... ?"
His voice is strangely shaky.
... Ahhh, I already knew. That you were always waiting for Shiki and that only you were always there, protecting me.
"Kokuto Mikiya, it's like a French poet."
At my mumbling voice he smiles brightly. Like when we met at school after just one day, that brightly.
How much effort was hidden in that simple smile, I can't know.
Only --- it seems he remembers that promise as well.
"It's great that the weather is nice today. Perfect to get out of hospital."
With tears brimming in his eyes he speaks as naturally as he can.
To the empty me, that was warmer than anything. A smiling face over a crying face, that's what this friend chose.
To acknowledge isolation rather than be isolated, that's what SHIKI chose.
--- Although I haven't chosen either side yet.
"... Ahhh. Are there things that don't disappear?"
His smiling face that seems to become one with the soft sunlight, I just blankly gazed upon it.
Till I was sick of it.
--- I know that the hole punched in my chest can't be filled with things like that, but right now I don't want to do anything else. Because...
... His soft, smiling face.
That was the same face as the one in my memories.