Void Shrine - 「 」 | 4／伽藍の洞 - 「 」: garan-no-dou.
These translations are entirely by Baka-Tsuki.
All I've done is condense each novel into one post and fix a few grammatical errors.
---and she said.
If you are willing to take in anything
You'll never be wounded.
Anything that you don't fit.
Anything that you don't like.
Anything that you don't allow.
If you take in anything without reacting
You'll never be wounded.
If you are willing to reject everything
You'll only be wounded.
Everything that you fit.
Everything that you like.
Everything that you dream.
If you reject everything without a sacrifice
You'll only be wounded.
A gap between two hearts.
Unable to both affirm and deny.
Between them, there is nothing.
Between them, there is I.
/ Void Shrine
xxx
"Hey, about that patient in the 3rd floor private room, have you heard?"
"Of course. That story was all over the place by the middle of yesterday. Even that stony Dr. Asika in neurology lost his cool, didn't he? There's no way a secret like that wouldn't leak out. I couldn't believe it but, they say the patient's recovered."
"No, no, it's not that. Well, it is definitely about that patient but there's something besides that. That patient, you know what she did as soon as she woke up? Don't be shocked, but they say she tried to mash her own eyes."
"--- What are you talking about? Is that for real?"
"Yeah, I think it's being kept as a secret inside the facility. I heard it from a kid who always follows Dr Asika around so it's definitely true. Apparently as soon as Dr Asika took his eyes off her she smashed her eyes through the bandages with the palms of her hands, she's a total terror."
"Wait a second, that patient, she's just been lying there for two years hasn't she? Then there's no way she could move her body."
"Well yeah normally. That family is rich aren't they? While she's been here we've exercised her limbs everyday, so her joints and stuff haven't stiffened up. But I guess that since it wasn't the subject herself doing the exercise, the movement of the joints was unnatural to her and she couldn't move very well. Thanks to that her attempt to savage her two eyes ended as a failure."
"--- Even so, that's awesome. We learned that while a supine patient is more comfortable, it's much easier for their bodies to get weak. If she's been sleeping for 2 years, she should barely have been functioning as a human."
"That's why even the doctor was caught off guard. Hey, what do you call that? You know, when a patient's sclera is bleeding?"
"Subconjunctival hemorrhaging."
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's supposed to become alright by itself, but since the patient smashed her eyes right to the point of glaucoma she can't even see through her eyes right now. They say that they just bandaged her eyes according to the patient's wishes."
"Hmm. So even after waking up from the coma that patient hasn't seen the sunlight. ... darkness within darkness. It seems a bit wrong."
"A bit? And on top of that, there's another problem. Aphasia... loss of speech?
xxx
This place is dark, and the floor is pitch black.
When I realized that the only thing around me was the darkness I accepted the fact that I was dead.
I'm floating in a sea with no light or sound. Naked, without anything to cover her, the human being called Ryougi Shiki is sinking into the depths.
There's no light here. No, I suspect I never fell in the first place.
Since there's nothing here.
It's not just that there's no light, there isn't even any darkness. Since there is nothing here nothing is visible. There is no meaning to the concept of falling.
Inside the 「 」within which even form is meaningless, just my body keeps sinking. The naked me, I'm a poisonous shade which makes me want to turn my eyes away. Because everything 「here」 bears such a poisonous aura.
"--- This is death."
Even the sound of my muttering seems like a dream.
⁂
Then, I observe something like "time". Time has no meaning inside「 」but I become able to observe it.
As naturally as flowing water, as grossly as putrefaction, I am just counting the time.
There is nothing here.
Even if I keep continuously looking in the distance, I can't see anything.
Even if I keep waiting continuously for something, I can't see anything.
It's very nice and peaceful.
No --- Since nothing has meaning, just 「being」here makes everything perfect.
This is death.
The world which only the dead can reach. The world which the living cannot see.
But, I'm still alive ---.
I thought I would lose my mind.
For 2 years I sat there in the midst of the concept called "death". Rather then observation, it was closer to the struggle of battle.
⁂
With the arrival of morning, the hospital slowly comes alive. The footsteps of the nurses traversing the corridors and the noise of the patients waking up and going about their own business is repeated many-fold. Compared to the silence during the night the bustle of the morning makes me feel like I'm at a festival.
For the recently woken me, the riotous noise is too much.
Thankfully, my ward is a private room. It's noisy outside but at least inside this box it's calm and quiet.
Not much later, a doctor comes to examine me.
"How do you feel, Ryougi-san?"
"--- Well, I'm not really sure."
At my emotionless reply the doctor shuts up as if he's perplexed.
"... Really? At least you seem calmer than yesterday. It might be troubling for you, but I'll explain your current situation. If you don't like what I'm saying, don't hesitate to tell me."
I replied to the doctor's words with silence. I don't have any interest in such a obvious stories.
I think he mistook that as a sign of acceptance.
"In that case I'll make it brief. Today is the 14th of June 1998. You - Ryougi Shiki, were involved in a night-time traffic accident on the 5th of March 2 years ago and was brought here to this hospital. The accident involved you being hit by a car while on a pedestrian crossing. Do you remember?"
"..."
I don't reply. --- I don't know that sort of thing. The last image I can take off that shelf called "memory" is that of my classmate standing dumbly in the rain. I can't remember anything like how I got into an accident.
"Ah, it's alright if you can't remember. We think that just before you got hit by the car, you realized the danger and tried to evade it. Thanks to that the injuries to your body weren't serious.
In return we suspect that you received a hard shock to your head. You were already in a coma by the time you arrived at our hospital, luckily your brain itself wasn't injured. So, the reason you can't remember is probably the confusion brought about by being in a coma for two years. It should only be temporary, as during last night's examination we didn't find any abnormalities in your brainwaves.
Your memories should slowly come back, but I can't guarantee that it will definitely happen. First and foremost the very fact that you recovered from your comatose state is a miracle in itself."
Even if he says it's been two years, it doesn't feel real to me. To the sleeping Ryougi Shiki that blank space is close to nothingness.
To the being called Ryougi Shiki, yesterday is definitely that rainy night two years ago.
But that isn't how I feel at all.
To the current me, yesterday is 「nothing」.
"Oh, and the injury to your eyes isn't so serious either. Injuries caused by blunt weapons are among the least serious eye injuries you tend to see. It's a relief that there weren't any knives or similar objects in your proximity last night. We are going to take the bandages off soon as well. You'll have to leave looking at the scenery outside for another week or so."
I get the feeling that there is a sense of reproach mixed somewhere into the doctor's words.
He's probably nervous because of my attempt to destroy my own eyes. Last night he kept asking me why I did such a thing, I didn't give him an answer.
"From now on we will be doing rehabilitation exercises in the mornings and afternoons. With regard to visits from your family, I'm afraid one hour will be the limit. You can leave as soon as you recover your body and minds' equilibrium. It will be hard but please try your best."
As I expected, his words ruin my mood.
Tired of poking fun at the doctor, I try moving my right hand. ... My body doesn't feel like my own. Just moving takes time and my joints and muscles hurt as if they are being pulverized.
Of course its only to be expected after not using them for two years.
"Well, that's it for this morning. Since it seems that you've calmed down I won't call a nurse. if you need anything press that button near your pillow. There's always a nurse standing by in the room next door so don't hesitate to use it, even for small things."
Soft words.
If I could see, I would be able to observe the doctor's instantaneous smile.
The doctor gets up to leave but stops at the door and adds something, as if he just remembered.
"Oh yes. A counselor is going to come from tomorrow. Since she's not much older than you, please talk freely with her. Right now what you need most to aid your recovery is conversation.
And so I became alone.
I lay back on the hospital bed, just lying there blankly with arms wrapped around the eyes I had closed myself.
"My name ---".
I said with dry lips.
"Ryougi Shiki".
But no such person exists here.
Because the two years of nothingness killed me.
I can remember clearly all the memories of growing up as Ryougi Shiki. But what does that matter? What are such memories to me, who died and came back to life?
The two years of emptiness completely disconnect the me of the past and the me of the present.
I'm definitely Ryougi Shiki, not someone else. But the memories of the past, I can't feel that they are mine.
To the resurrected me, it's only as if I'm seeing a movie of the life of a person called Ryougi Shiki. I can't think of the movie's main character as being me.
"It's as if I'm a ghost caught on film.
I bite my lips.
I don't know me.
I'm not sure whether I really am Ryougi Shiki.
I feel like a human who doesn't know their own identity.
This shell of a body is empty, it feels like a cave.
Even the air passes through, like the wind.
I don't know the cause, but it really feels like a huge hole has been punched into my chest.
It's so unsettling, --- indeed it's lonely.
My heart is a misplaced puzzle piece. Inside that empty space, this feather-like me can't stand it.
It's so empty that I can't even find a reason to keep living.
"But --- so what if it is like that, Shiki?"
It's really not such a big deal.
It's fascinating --- this unsettling feeling and nervousness that makes me grasp my chest, I don't feel that it's either agonizing or sad.
There's anxiety. There's pain.
But that's all something the child called Ryougi Shiki is holding onto.
I'm just apathetic. Even that fact that I've come back to life after two years fails to move me.
I'm just swaying to the wind and wandering here and there.
Without being able to feel that I'm actually alive.
xxx
It's now the next day.
The fact that even I, who can't see, can tell the arrival of the morning is a small but satisfying discovery. Little things like that are a cause for joy. While I wondered why they made me happy my morning check-up began and ended before I knew it.
It wasn't very quiet in the afternoon, because my mother and brother came to visit me. Our conversation wasn't very smooth. They felt like strangers to me. With no alternatives I answered their questions according to Shiki's memories, as a result of which my mother went home with an easy mind.
Everything was funny because, it seemed like I was acting.
⁂
When evening came around the counselor showed up.
The woman who initially introduced herself as a speech therapist was so bright and cheerful that I couldn't see any depth to her personality.
I've never heard of a case where a doctor greeted a patient with the words "Hi, how have you been?"
"Oh, I thought you would be all emaciated, but the vibrancy of your skin is no joke. You know, when I first heard your story I pictured something along the lines of a ghost under a cherry tree so I didn't really feel like coming. But hey, you are a cute young lady along my line of fancy so it's my lucky day!"
The woman who I reckon to be in her late twenties, judging by her voice, sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm lying in.
"Pleased to meet you. I'm the speech therapist who is to help you get over your aphasia. I'm not a resident doctor here so I don't have any ID, but I guess it won't be a problem since you can't see anyway."
"--- Aphasia? Me?"
"Oho"
The doctor goes, after finally getting a reply. I get the feeling she nodded her head as well.
"There you go, it's normal to show anger. After all, aphasia isn't a very good image and in your case it's a misdiagnosis. Asika-kun is a textbook doctor so he's a bit weak when it comes to special cases like yours. Even so, you are being naughty. People are getting such misconceptions because you can't be bothered to answer them."
The woman smiles as if she is great friends with me. --- It was totally my own opinion but I decided then and there that this was a person who wore glasses.
"So they think I have aphasia."
"Yeah, since you did hurt your brain in the accident they are wondering if your speech circuits are damaged or something. However that's a misconception, the reason for your silence isn't physiological but psychological isn't it? So it's not aphasia, just you being stubborn. In that case my role isn't needed but it feels bad to be cut off before a minute has passed, and since nothing's happening with my main job I'll play with you for a bit."
--- This is a useless act of kindness.
I reach out for the button to call the nurse, but the lady doctor quickly removes it from my reach.
"... You."
"Dangerous, dangerous. If you talk to Asika-kun now I'll be kicked out straight away. Anyway, isn't this good? If you pretend to have aphasia, you won't have to reply to useless questions. It's better this way, right?"
... That's correct. But who is this person that can say such things so boldly?
I turn my bandaged eyes towards the unknown lady doctor.
"You are not a doctor are you?"
"Nope, I'm a magus as my main job."
That's so absurd I let out a sigh.
"I don't have any business with a magician."
"Ahahaha, that's correct. A mage can't fix that hole in your chest. The only thing that can fill it is a normal person."
"--- A hole, in my chest ---?"
"Yeah, you should be feeling it. That you are alone now."
The lady doctor smothers a laugh and stands up. I can hear her arranging the chairs and her footsteps as she goes out.
"I think it's still too early, so let's leave it at this for now. I'll come again tomorrow, bye!"
After appearing so abruptly, she leaves equally as suddenly.
I touch my lips with the right hand that I have difficulty moving.
Now... Alone...
A hole... in my chest...
--- Oh, how can this be?
Oh no, I hadn't realized.
No one. No matter where I call he's not there. The existence called Ryougi SHIKI that existed within Ryougi Shiki has disappeared without a trace.
Shiki was a dual personality disorder sufferer who possessed another personality within herself. Inside the Ryougi family, children with two personalities were born genetically. That which would be shunned in a normal family was instead celebrated as inherent of a transcendent being, and the bearers were treated as the true heirs of the family.
... Shiki inherited that blood. It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family.
But this kind of thing doesn't happen very often.
Two personalities --- Yang affinity males and Yin affinity females, between those the leadership of the Yang affinity male is usually stronger. Among the few true Ryougi heirs until now, all had been born as men and had female personalities inside. But due to some mistake, Shiki was the reverse of the norm.
Inside the female Shiki, the male, SHIKI, was included.
The one with dominance over the body was the female Shiki --- me.
SHIKI was my minus face, he contained my suppressed emotions. Shiki grew up suppressing the darkness called SHIKI. Time after time she killed the self called SHIKI and lived pretending to be normal. SHIKI didn't seem to have any complaints about that. After being asleep inside of me he woke up for things like sword training and took charge while complaining as if it was annoying.
... It might seem like a master/servant relationship but the reality wasn't like that. In the end Shiki and SHIKI are one person, so Shiki's actions are SHIKI's, and SHIKI suppressing his own fancies was also Shiki's wish as well.
... Yes, SHIKI was a murderer. As far as I know he had no experience at it but, he had a desire within him to kill those beings called humans that were the same organism as him. The dominant personality of Shiki ignored this - in short, she forbade it.
Shiki and SHIKI were inseparable beings, although they ignored each other. Shiki was lonely but because of the self called SHIKI she wasn't alone.
But the time came when that relationship would be destroyed.
Two years ago --- when Shiki was a first year high school student. The season when for the first time SHIKI, who until then hadn't wanted to use the body, had asked to go out of his own volition.
From there on, Shiki's memory is hazy.
Right now I can't bring to mind any of Shiki's memories from the beginning of the first year of high school, until I was involved in the accident.
The thing I remember --- my shape standing at the site of the murder. More than that, there's an image that I can remember even more clearly than that.
The classroom burning red in the light of the sunset.
The one who destroyed Shiki, my classmate.
The boy, that Shiki wanted to kill.
The piece of normality, that Shiki wanted to protect.
I got the feeling that I knew this a long time ago.
But the me that has woken from a long sleep, his name is the one thing I can't yet remember.
⁂
Night falls, and the hospital grows quiet.
Only the occasional sound of slippers echoing through the corridors makes me feel that I'm awake.
Inside the darkness --- no, because I'm in the darkness. The blind me, I take to heart the fact that I'm alone. If I was the previous Shiki, I wouldn't have had this kind of feeling. Shiki, who had another self inside her. But SHIKI no longer exists. No --- I, I don't even know whether I'm Shiki or SHIKI.
SHIKI had disappeared from inside me. With that alone I recognize myself as Shiki.
"Hic hic... What kind of contradiction is this. Not knowing which side one is if one side is missing."
I try talking to myself but the emptiness in my chest doesn't even fill a little. Even just the thought that I am sad would have some change on this emotionless mind of mine.
I won't be able to know.
Since I am no one, I can't feel that Ryougi Shiki's memories are really mine. Even if the shell called Ryougi Shiki exists, when the contents are washed away the shell has no meaning. .... Oh it hurts. What must go inside this empty cave?
"--- I, will, go, in..."
Suddenly I hear words like that.
A movement of the air as if a door has opened.
It's probably my imagination
I turn my closed eyes that way.
There's --- something there.
White smoke is billowing. My eyes that shouldn't be able to see can see the shape of the smoke. The smoke strangely resembled a human. No, it seemed as if a human lacked bones and was swaying in the wind like a sunflower.
The unpleasant smoke comes straight at me.
I can't move as I like yet, so I just blankly wait for it.
Even if this is a ghost, I'm not afraid.
The really scary things have no shape. No matter how weird something is, if it has form I can't be scared.
And --- if it is a ghost, the current me may as well be the same. After all there's not much difference between a thing that isn't alive, and me, who has no reason to live.
The smoke slaps me.
My whole body and mind go into overdrive. The chill that rakes down my spine is as sharp as a bird's talons.
It was an unpleasant sensation but I just dumbly sat there and watched. After touching me for an age, the smoke melts like a snail sprinkled with salt.
The reason is simple. It's been five hours since the smoke started touching me. It will soon be five o'clock. The ghost melted because it's now morning.
Since I haven't slept, I decide to go to sleep again.
xxx
The somethingth morning since I woke up comes around. My eyes are still wrapped in bandages so I can't see a thing.
A quiet morning with no one around.
The wavelet-like silence is so dazzling that I lose my sense of self.
-I can hear the chattering of little birds.
-I can feel the warmth of the sunlight.
-The clear air feels my lungs.
-Ah. Compared to that world, this place is so beautiful.
But, there's a self that's not happy with this. Every time I'm wrapped in the morning air that I can only feel by sense, I just think:
-They are this happy.
Humans are loners like this. Being alone is safest, so how come we can't bear being alone?
The past me was complete. Because I was self-sufficient, I didn't need anyone else. But, I'm different now. I'm no longer complete. I'm waiting for a part I lack. I'm just desperately waiting like this.
But just who am I waiting for... ?
⁂
The lady doctor who called herself a counselor came daily. Before I knew it I seemed to be treating my talks with her as my only relief from the mundane during the course of the days.
"Hmm, as expected. It's not that SHIKI didn't have control over the body, it's just that he didn't exercise it. You two keep getting more fascinating the more I hear about you."
Still bringing the chair over and sitting there next to the bed, the lady doctor talks as if she's amused by something. For some reason she knows my circumstances very well: the dual personality that only a few even within the Ryougi family know about, my involvement in the serial killer case 2 years ago. Those details that normally I would have to keep hiding, but to me they are inconsequential events anyway.
Before I knew it I was responding to the counselor's light teasing.
"There's nothing funny about having a dual personality."
"No, no. You know, you two don't have anything as pleasing to look at as dissociative identity disorder. Existing simultaneously, each having their own unique will, and on top of that your actions are coordinated. That sort of complex personality shouldn't be called a "dissociated identity," but rather a "united independent personality"."
"United... independent personality?"
"Yeah. Still, some questions remain. In that case there was no reason for SHIKI to stay asleep, but according to your story he was always sleeping. That part of it is a little strange."
SHIKI who was always asleep.
... I'm probably the only one who knows why.
SHIKI, more than Shiki --- liked to dream.
"So, is he still sleeping, that guy?"
I don't reply to the lady doctor's words.
"So that's how it is. He did die. Two years ago during the accident, in your stead.
That's why you have an omission in your memory. Since he's dead, those memories won't be coming back... How Ryougi Shiki was associated with the street serial killer, with this that knowledge has truly disappeared into the darkness."
"That event. They said that the criminal was never caught."
"Yeah. After your accident the criminal disappeared as if he were a lie."
I wonder to what extent that is true, the lady doctor said with a laugh.
"However, there was no reason for SHIKI-kun to disappear. If he just stayed asleep, ignoring the world outside, Shiki would have disappeared. For some reason he must have wished for himself to disappear."
That kind of thing, even if she asks me I don't have any answers.
"I don't know. More importantly, did you bring the scissors?"
"Ah, as expected, I couldn't. You have a history so any potential weapons are strictly forbidden."
The lady doctor's words are according to my expectations. Whether or not it was due to the daily rehab exercises, my body has recovered to the point where I can move easily by myself. They said that I am the first to have recovered so quickly with just a few minutes of exercise twice a day.
As a celebration of sorts I asked the lady doctor for a pair of scissors.
"But what are you going to use a pair of scissors for? Planning to do some flower arrangements?"
"As if, I just want to cut my hair."
That's why. Now that I can move my body, my hair that reaches my back has become inconvenient. Hair that bounces around from my neck and flows down to my shoulders is pretty annoying.
"Then you can call a hairdresser. If you find it difficult to talk, should I call one for you?"
"No thanks. Another person touching my hair? I don't even want to think about it."
"That's right. To a woman her hair is her life. The fact that your hairs grown while you are the same as you were two years ago is a wonderful thing."
I can hear the lady doctor standing up.
"So shall I give you this instead? It's a stone carved with a rune, it should do the same thing as a charm. I'll put it over your doorway, so be careful not to lose it to anyone."
It seems that the lady doctor used her chair to place the charm, or whatever it was, over the door.
And just like that she opens the door.
"Then, that's it from me. Someone else might come starting tomorrow, so stay well."
Talking in a strange roundabout manner the lady doctor left.
⁂
That night the guest that always came to visit didn't appear. The smoke-like ghost that appears without failure at midnight, for some reason it didn't enter the room.
The smoke was coming every night and touching me.
I knew that that was dangerous, but I just left it alone. If that ghost got angry at me and tried to kill me, that would be okay too.
No, rather, how comfortable would it be if it had just killed me?
For I, who cannot even feel that I'm alive, there is no reason to keep on living. Instead it would be easier to just disappear.
In the darkness I try touching the bandages covering my eyes.
My sight will soon come back. In that case I will completely ruin my eyes this time around.
I can't see it now but if I fully recover it will be visible again. If I'm going to see that world again. I don't need anything like these eyes. Even if destroying my eyes means I will be unable to see the world on this side of that divide, it's still better than that.
But until that moment I will be unable to act.
The Shiki of before would have destroyed her eyes without any hesitation, the current me is stopping at achieving a temporary darkness.
--- It's so... pitiful.
While I have no will to live, I don't even have any will to die. This emotionless self of mine doesn't feel any attraction towards any action. I can only affirm another's will.
So if that unidentifiable smoke tries to kill me I have no thoughts of stopping it.
The thought of death holds no attractions for me but I don't feel like resisting it either.
Because... Happiness or sadness, if they are things I could only obtain as Ryougi Shiki...
Then the present me has no reason to live on.
xxx
Aozaki Touko first heard the story of the person called Ryougi Shiki on a nice afternoon, not long after they had entered the month of June.
The origin of it all was that the new employee she had just hired on impulse was Ryougi Shiki's friend, and as a way to pass the time she lent an ear to his story.
According to his tale the person called Ryougi Shiki fell into a comatose state after a traffic accident 2 years ago. She was retaining her life functions but there was no possibility of her waking up. Not only that, but the growth of her body also seemed to have stopped. At first Touko couldn't believe this apparent contradiction, how could a person's life functions continue if they've stopped growing?
"... Hmm, the only time an organism does not grow is if it is dead. No, even pressure over time affects the dead. A corpse passes through the growth called decay and returns to the earth. The only thing that moves but doesn't grow would be that wind-up doll you brought in and set loose a while ago."
"But it's true. Since the accident, it doesn't look like she's aged a bit. Are there any other cases where a person is in a coma for which there's no explainable cause, Touko-san?"
"Hmmm..." goes Touko upon hearing the new employee's question, and crosses her arms.
"Let's see. There was that famous one in that country over there. A newly married woman in her twenties fell into a coma. She woke up after fifty years had passed, don't you know that one?"
In reply to Touko's words the new employee says "No," and shakes his head.
"Uh, how was that person when she woke up?"
"Extremely normal. As if she hadn't been sleeping for 50 long years. Her mind was revived just as it had been in her twenties, apparently it made her husband sad."
"--- Eh? Sad, how come? His wife's recovery should be a joyous occurrence."
"The thing is, her mind was still just as it was in her twenties, but her body had grown old into its seventies. Even in a comatose state, leaving something alive means that it will degrade, you can't do anything about that.
So this seventy year old granny is always urging her husband to go out as if she's till in her twenties. The husband has lived the seventy years normally so he's normal - the problem is the wife. Because fifty years have flowed past without her knowledge, she can't accept the fact no matter how you explain it. It's not that she doesn't want to accept it, she really can't conceive it to be the truth.
It's a tragedy among tragedies. They say that the lady who wanted to go out to play with that wrinkled face of hers was persuaded not to by her husband, who was in tears. They also say that he had this thought: If it was going to be like this, it would have been better if she hadn't woken up at all.
How was it? This dream-like tragedy, it's actually something that happened in the past. Was it useful?"
In wonder, he actually nodded in response to Touko's sarcastic question.
"Oh, are you onto something?"
He gave a small nod to the impishly smiling Touko.
"...Yeah, a little. I'm thinking it might be like this. That Shiki might be trying not to wake up."
"It sounds like there's a past there. Good. Since I'm bored, shall I listen to the story as a way to pass the time?"
He gets angry at Touko who really thinks of it as just another way to kill time and turns away.
"No thank you. Touko-san, your insensitivity is a real problem."
"What, you are the one who brought it up. I understand, so spill it. It's not just a whim for me either. That Azaka, every time she rings it's Shiki this and Shiki that. If I have no idea as to what kind of person this Shiki is I can't reply can I?"
At the mention of Azaka's name he put on a sour face.
"I've been meaning to ask you for a while but, how did my little sister come to know you Touko-san?"
"One year ago at a tourist spot. I got caught up in an impossible situation and my cover was totally blown."
"...Well, okay, but Azaka is a very naive child, so please avoid that talk of what's there and what's not around her. Since she's in that period where I'm worried about her even without her getting involved in all that."
"Azaka... Naive? Well, your relationship with your little sister is your problem so I won't get involved. Instead, share that story about that kid called Shiki."
Unable to withstand Touko who had pushed herself onto the desk, he began talking.
About his friend Ryougi Shiki's personality and her unique character.
During high school he and Ryougi Shiki were classmates. He had a relationship with the name Ryougi Shiki before entering high school, and after getting put in the same class as her became friends. The only person to have a friendly relationship with Ryougi Shiki, who didn't want any friends, was him.
But, after the street murders during the first year of high school, Ryougi Shiki began changing in a strange way.
She confessed to him that she had a dual personality, and that her other side enjoyed murder.
To be truthful, how R. Shiki was connected to the street murders two years ago is still a mystery. Before anything could be confirmed she had an accident in front of his eyes and was moved to the hospital.
During the first days of March, on that cold night of the falling rain.
That kind of story about someone's life. Touko treated it as just another story told over a beer, but as the story progressed the smile disappeared from her face.
"--- That's all there is to know about the relationship between Shiki and me. Although the story is already two years old."
"--- So is that why her growth has stopped? Stocking up her life. It's not even as if she's a vampire."
Heh, Touko smirked with the end of the lips curled up.
"So, how do you write that kid's name? It would be in kanji wouldn't it?"
"Shiki(數) from (神), why?"
"Is it the Shiki of Shikigami(式)? And her family name is Ryougi at that. That's just perfect."
Rubbing out the cigarette she had been biting on the ashtray, Touko stood up, as if unable to tolerate something any longer.
"Was that hospital in the suburbs? This is getting interesting... I'll be right back."
Without waiting for a reply Touko left the office behind her.
I can't believe I'm getting involved in this sort of nonsense at a place like this, what kind of fate is this? Touko bit her lip.
⁂
Ryougi Shiki's recovery is a few days later.
The fact that the situation doesn't even allow for the relatives to visit means that normal visits are out of the question.
Is it because of that?
Is that the reason that the new employee is concentrating on his desk-work with a sulkiness which makes it seem that his whole person has undergone a change.
"It's gloomy, too gloomy."
"Yes ma'am. A light, I'll obtain one that's suitable."
He replies without even looking at Touko.
There are times when a dutiful person will show absurdly eccentric conduct as a result of having missed something. Thinking this teen is of that sort, Touko speaks to him.
"Don't think so obsessively about it. You seem ready to just charge in there tonight or something."
"Impossible ma'am. That hospital, the security is nothing short of a research lab."
In contrast to the casual manner in which he replies, it seems as if he's carried out a pretty thorough investigation.
Touko shrugs, thinking: Well, I can't let a brand new employee become a criminal.
"... I was going to stay quiet about this, but since you are so agitated I'll tell. I'm going to be working at the hospital as a stand-in from tomorrow. I'll find out how Ryougi Shiki is, so just sit tight for now."
"--- What?"
"It just so happened that I got invited as a doctor. Normally I would have refused but this time it's not as if it's someone else's business. Seeing as I dragged the story out of you I thought that I had to at least do this for you."
Touko speaks as if it's no big deal.
Rising up from his chair, he approaches Touko and grabs hold of her two hands. Voom, voom. The two people's hands go up and down. ... Not realizing that this is an expression of his admiration, Touko stares at him with a stiff face.
"You have some strange hobbies, don't you?"
"I'm delighted! In fact, I'm stunned! There's a gentle and virtuous side to Touko-san like in other people after all!"
"... I realized I'm not like others, but I think it's better not to say things like that."
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking. Ah, so that's why you are dressed formally today. It looks very smart, it really suits you. I couldn't recognize you!"
"... My outfit's the same as always but, whatever, I'll accept the compliments."
It's useless to say anything, Touko realizes, and quietly folds things up.
"So don't do anything rash. Even without that sort of thing that hospital is strange. You will sit here and look after the office, got it?"
At that, the until-then hyperactive employee settles down.
"... Strange, you mean that hospital?"
"Yeah. There's a ward against something placed there. It seems like another magician was meddling with things. Of course, the target wasn't Ryougi Shiki. If it was, they wouldn't have held off for two years."
It was a whopper of a lie but the confident way in which she spoke meant he didn't suspect a thing.
"... Uhm, a ward. That's like the second floor of this building isn't it?"
"Yep. A ward is something of different levels which isolates a specified area. They range from ones that really create a wall, to ones that cover the target area with an invisible barrier. The highest ranking wards are a form of subliminal coercion that goes, "nothing has been done but no one approaches". It's the same as this building. If you put in place a suggestion like: "Anyone who does not have a reason to come here will not be conscious of this place", a ward will be formed which will continue to exist without anyone noticing. A ward that just mimics another world and makes people realize that something is wrong is the worst of the worst."
A strangeness which prevents you from noticing strangeness, that is her rule of vacancy. A ward which everyone ignores and passes although it's on the map. A world where a pre-eminent magician lives, appears to be just like any other neighboring house.
But that ward, this new employee unconsciously broke it. This building which he shouldn't have been able to find unless he knew Aozaki Touko, he found too easily.
... Well, that is also the reason she hired him.
"... So, is that hospital's ward a dangerous one?"
"Try listening to what someone is saying. A ward itself does no harm. That word, it originates from Buddhism. A ward is always something that isolates an area from the outside world; although it has somehow come to represent technique by which a magician protects his or her body.
Understand? I said this just before, but the best wards don't feel weird to a normal person. Shall we call it "an idea which forces itself on the unconscious mind". The best of the best reach the stage of "disconnection of space"; but to go that far you are looking at magicians rather than sorcerers. Currently there's only one magician in this country, so basically that kind of ward just can't be formed.
Well nothing that powerful was formed, but the ward placed around that hospital is pretty complex. It's good enough that even I didn't notice it for a while. There's a ward specialist that I know, this skill is at the same level as that guy.
... Well, among ward specialists there are a lot of philosophers. Most of them are well distanced from anything accompanied by violence so it should be alright for now."
That's right, there's no danger in the ward itself. The problem is what is happening within the bounds of that space cut off from the rest of the world. That hospital's ward is aimed inwards, not outwards. In short, it's of the kind that makes it so no one notices no matter what happens within the building. For example, if a room was to explode in the middle of the night not one person would be woken up by the noise.
Touko didn't tell him that. Saying something about the time creeping along, she walks out with her eyes focused on the clock.
His voices catches on her narrow back.
"Touko-san. Shiki, take good care of her."
"Alright," Touko says, waving. He asks her another trivial question even though she didn't even bother to turn around.
"Ah, yes. Touko-san, who's that ward specialist you know?"
Tock, Touko's feet stop.
She falls into thought for a second then swings her head around to pierce him with her eyes as she replies.
"Well, if he's a ward specialist, he's a monk of course."
Next
All I've done is condense each novel into one post and fix a few grammatical errors.
---and she said.
If you are willing to take in anything
You'll never be wounded.
Anything that you don't fit.
Anything that you don't like.
Anything that you don't allow.
If you take in anything without reacting
You'll never be wounded.
If you are willing to reject everything
You'll only be wounded.
Everything that you fit.
Everything that you like.
Everything that you dream.
If you reject everything without a sacrifice
You'll only be wounded.
A gap between two hearts.
Unable to both affirm and deny.
Between them, there is nothing.
Between them, there is I.
/ Void Shrine
xxx
"Hey, about that patient in the 3rd floor private room, have you heard?"
"Of course. That story was all over the place by the middle of yesterday. Even that stony Dr. Asika in neurology lost his cool, didn't he? There's no way a secret like that wouldn't leak out. I couldn't believe it but, they say the patient's recovered."
"No, no, it's not that. Well, it is definitely about that patient but there's something besides that. That patient, you know what she did as soon as she woke up? Don't be shocked, but they say she tried to mash her own eyes."
"--- What are you talking about? Is that for real?"
"Yeah, I think it's being kept as a secret inside the facility. I heard it from a kid who always follows Dr Asika around so it's definitely true. Apparently as soon as Dr Asika took his eyes off her she smashed her eyes through the bandages with the palms of her hands, she's a total terror."
"Wait a second, that patient, she's just been lying there for two years hasn't she? Then there's no way she could move her body."
"Well yeah normally. That family is rich aren't they? While she's been here we've exercised her limbs everyday, so her joints and stuff haven't stiffened up. But I guess that since it wasn't the subject herself doing the exercise, the movement of the joints was unnatural to her and she couldn't move very well. Thanks to that her attempt to savage her two eyes ended as a failure."
"--- Even so, that's awesome. We learned that while a supine patient is more comfortable, it's much easier for their bodies to get weak. If she's been sleeping for 2 years, she should barely have been functioning as a human."
"That's why even the doctor was caught off guard. Hey, what do you call that? You know, when a patient's sclera is bleeding?"
"Subconjunctival hemorrhaging."
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's supposed to become alright by itself, but since the patient smashed her eyes right to the point of glaucoma she can't even see through her eyes right now. They say that they just bandaged her eyes according to the patient's wishes."
"Hmm. So even after waking up from the coma that patient hasn't seen the sunlight. ... darkness within darkness. It seems a bit wrong."
"A bit? And on top of that, there's another problem. Aphasia... loss of speech?
xxx
This place is dark, and the floor is pitch black.
When I realized that the only thing around me was the darkness I accepted the fact that I was dead.
I'm floating in a sea with no light or sound. Naked, without anything to cover her, the human being called Ryougi Shiki is sinking into the depths.
There's no light here. No, I suspect I never fell in the first place.
Since there's nothing here.
It's not just that there's no light, there isn't even any darkness. Since there is nothing here nothing is visible. There is no meaning to the concept of falling.
Inside the 「 」within which even form is meaningless, just my body keeps sinking. The naked me, I'm a poisonous shade which makes me want to turn my eyes away. Because everything 「here」 bears such a poisonous aura.
"--- This is death."
Even the sound of my muttering seems like a dream.
⁂
Then, I observe something like "time". Time has no meaning inside「 」but I become able to observe it.
As naturally as flowing water, as grossly as putrefaction, I am just counting the time.
There is nothing here.
Even if I keep continuously looking in the distance, I can't see anything.
Even if I keep waiting continuously for something, I can't see anything.
It's very nice and peaceful.
No --- Since nothing has meaning, just 「being」here makes everything perfect.
This is death.
The world which only the dead can reach. The world which the living cannot see.
But, I'm still alive ---.
I thought I would lose my mind.
For 2 years I sat there in the midst of the concept called "death". Rather then observation, it was closer to the struggle of battle.
⁂
With the arrival of morning, the hospital slowly comes alive. The footsteps of the nurses traversing the corridors and the noise of the patients waking up and going about their own business is repeated many-fold. Compared to the silence during the night the bustle of the morning makes me feel like I'm at a festival.
For the recently woken me, the riotous noise is too much.
Thankfully, my ward is a private room. It's noisy outside but at least inside this box it's calm and quiet.
Not much later, a doctor comes to examine me.
"How do you feel, Ryougi-san?"
"--- Well, I'm not really sure."
At my emotionless reply the doctor shuts up as if he's perplexed.
"... Really? At least you seem calmer than yesterday. It might be troubling for you, but I'll explain your current situation. If you don't like what I'm saying, don't hesitate to tell me."
I replied to the doctor's words with silence. I don't have any interest in such a obvious stories.
I think he mistook that as a sign of acceptance.
"In that case I'll make it brief. Today is the 14th of June 1998. You - Ryougi Shiki, were involved in a night-time traffic accident on the 5th of March 2 years ago and was brought here to this hospital. The accident involved you being hit by a car while on a pedestrian crossing. Do you remember?"
"..."
I don't reply. --- I don't know that sort of thing. The last image I can take off that shelf called "memory" is that of my classmate standing dumbly in the rain. I can't remember anything like how I got into an accident.
"Ah, it's alright if you can't remember. We think that just before you got hit by the car, you realized the danger and tried to evade it. Thanks to that the injuries to your body weren't serious.
In return we suspect that you received a hard shock to your head. You were already in a coma by the time you arrived at our hospital, luckily your brain itself wasn't injured. So, the reason you can't remember is probably the confusion brought about by being in a coma for two years. It should only be temporary, as during last night's examination we didn't find any abnormalities in your brainwaves.
Your memories should slowly come back, but I can't guarantee that it will definitely happen. First and foremost the very fact that you recovered from your comatose state is a miracle in itself."
Even if he says it's been two years, it doesn't feel real to me. To the sleeping Ryougi Shiki that blank space is close to nothingness.
To the being called Ryougi Shiki, yesterday is definitely that rainy night two years ago.
But that isn't how I feel at all.
To the current me, yesterday is 「nothing」.
"Oh, and the injury to your eyes isn't so serious either. Injuries caused by blunt weapons are among the least serious eye injuries you tend to see. It's a relief that there weren't any knives or similar objects in your proximity last night. We are going to take the bandages off soon as well. You'll have to leave looking at the scenery outside for another week or so."
I get the feeling that there is a sense of reproach mixed somewhere into the doctor's words.
He's probably nervous because of my attempt to destroy my own eyes. Last night he kept asking me why I did such a thing, I didn't give him an answer.
"From now on we will be doing rehabilitation exercises in the mornings and afternoons. With regard to visits from your family, I'm afraid one hour will be the limit. You can leave as soon as you recover your body and minds' equilibrium. It will be hard but please try your best."
As I expected, his words ruin my mood.
Tired of poking fun at the doctor, I try moving my right hand. ... My body doesn't feel like my own. Just moving takes time and my joints and muscles hurt as if they are being pulverized.
Of course its only to be expected after not using them for two years.
"Well, that's it for this morning. Since it seems that you've calmed down I won't call a nurse. if you need anything press that button near your pillow. There's always a nurse standing by in the room next door so don't hesitate to use it, even for small things."
Soft words.
If I could see, I would be able to observe the doctor's instantaneous smile.
The doctor gets up to leave but stops at the door and adds something, as if he just remembered.
"Oh yes. A counselor is going to come from tomorrow. Since she's not much older than you, please talk freely with her. Right now what you need most to aid your recovery is conversation.
And so I became alone.
I lay back on the hospital bed, just lying there blankly with arms wrapped around the eyes I had closed myself.
"My name ---".
I said with dry lips.
"Ryougi Shiki".
But no such person exists here.
Because the two years of nothingness killed me.
I can remember clearly all the memories of growing up as Ryougi Shiki. But what does that matter? What are such memories to me, who died and came back to life?
The two years of emptiness completely disconnect the me of the past and the me of the present.
I'm definitely Ryougi Shiki, not someone else. But the memories of the past, I can't feel that they are mine.
To the resurrected me, it's only as if I'm seeing a movie of the life of a person called Ryougi Shiki. I can't think of the movie's main character as being me.
"It's as if I'm a ghost caught on film.
I bite my lips.
I don't know me.
I'm not sure whether I really am Ryougi Shiki.
I feel like a human who doesn't know their own identity.
This shell of a body is empty, it feels like a cave.
Even the air passes through, like the wind.
I don't know the cause, but it really feels like a huge hole has been punched into my chest.
It's so unsettling, --- indeed it's lonely.
My heart is a misplaced puzzle piece. Inside that empty space, this feather-like me can't stand it.
It's so empty that I can't even find a reason to keep living.
"But --- so what if it is like that, Shiki?"
It's really not such a big deal.
It's fascinating --- this unsettling feeling and nervousness that makes me grasp my chest, I don't feel that it's either agonizing or sad.
There's anxiety. There's pain.
But that's all something the child called Ryougi Shiki is holding onto.
I'm just apathetic. Even that fact that I've come back to life after two years fails to move me.
I'm just swaying to the wind and wandering here and there.
Without being able to feel that I'm actually alive.
xxx
It's now the next day.
The fact that even I, who can't see, can tell the arrival of the morning is a small but satisfying discovery. Little things like that are a cause for joy. While I wondered why they made me happy my morning check-up began and ended before I knew it.
It wasn't very quiet in the afternoon, because my mother and brother came to visit me. Our conversation wasn't very smooth. They felt like strangers to me. With no alternatives I answered their questions according to Shiki's memories, as a result of which my mother went home with an easy mind.
Everything was funny because, it seemed like I was acting.
⁂
When evening came around the counselor showed up.
The woman who initially introduced herself as a speech therapist was so bright and cheerful that I couldn't see any depth to her personality.
I've never heard of a case where a doctor greeted a patient with the words "Hi, how have you been?"
"Oh, I thought you would be all emaciated, but the vibrancy of your skin is no joke. You know, when I first heard your story I pictured something along the lines of a ghost under a cherry tree so I didn't really feel like coming. But hey, you are a cute young lady along my line of fancy so it's my lucky day!"
The woman who I reckon to be in her late twenties, judging by her voice, sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm lying in.
"Pleased to meet you. I'm the speech therapist who is to help you get over your aphasia. I'm not a resident doctor here so I don't have any ID, but I guess it won't be a problem since you can't see anyway."
"--- Aphasia? Me?"
"Oho"
The doctor goes, after finally getting a reply. I get the feeling she nodded her head as well.
"There you go, it's normal to show anger. After all, aphasia isn't a very good image and in your case it's a misdiagnosis. Asika-kun is a textbook doctor so he's a bit weak when it comes to special cases like yours. Even so, you are being naughty. People are getting such misconceptions because you can't be bothered to answer them."
The woman smiles as if she is great friends with me. --- It was totally my own opinion but I decided then and there that this was a person who wore glasses.
"So they think I have aphasia."
"Yeah, since you did hurt your brain in the accident they are wondering if your speech circuits are damaged or something. However that's a misconception, the reason for your silence isn't physiological but psychological isn't it? So it's not aphasia, just you being stubborn. In that case my role isn't needed but it feels bad to be cut off before a minute has passed, and since nothing's happening with my main job I'll play with you for a bit."
--- This is a useless act of kindness.
I reach out for the button to call the nurse, but the lady doctor quickly removes it from my reach.
"... You."
"Dangerous, dangerous. If you talk to Asika-kun now I'll be kicked out straight away. Anyway, isn't this good? If you pretend to have aphasia, you won't have to reply to useless questions. It's better this way, right?"
... That's correct. But who is this person that can say such things so boldly?
I turn my bandaged eyes towards the unknown lady doctor.
"You are not a doctor are you?"
"Nope, I'm a magus as my main job."
That's so absurd I let out a sigh.
"I don't have any business with a magician."
"Ahahaha, that's correct. A mage can't fix that hole in your chest. The only thing that can fill it is a normal person."
"--- A hole, in my chest ---?"
"Yeah, you should be feeling it. That you are alone now."
The lady doctor smothers a laugh and stands up. I can hear her arranging the chairs and her footsteps as she goes out.
"I think it's still too early, so let's leave it at this for now. I'll come again tomorrow, bye!"
After appearing so abruptly, she leaves equally as suddenly.
I touch my lips with the right hand that I have difficulty moving.
Now... Alone...
A hole... in my chest...
--- Oh, how can this be?
Oh no, I hadn't realized.
No one. No matter where I call he's not there. The existence called Ryougi SHIKI that existed within Ryougi Shiki has disappeared without a trace.
Shiki was a dual personality disorder sufferer who possessed another personality within herself. Inside the Ryougi family, children with two personalities were born genetically. That which would be shunned in a normal family was instead celebrated as inherent of a transcendent being, and the bearers were treated as the true heirs of the family.
... Shiki inherited that blood. It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family.
But this kind of thing doesn't happen very often.
Two personalities --- Yang affinity males and Yin affinity females, between those the leadership of the Yang affinity male is usually stronger. Among the few true Ryougi heirs until now, all had been born as men and had female personalities inside. But due to some mistake, Shiki was the reverse of the norm.
Inside the female Shiki, the male, SHIKI, was included.
The one with dominance over the body was the female Shiki --- me.
SHIKI was my minus face, he contained my suppressed emotions. Shiki grew up suppressing the darkness called SHIKI. Time after time she killed the self called SHIKI and lived pretending to be normal. SHIKI didn't seem to have any complaints about that. After being asleep inside of me he woke up for things like sword training and took charge while complaining as if it was annoying.
... It might seem like a master/servant relationship but the reality wasn't like that. In the end Shiki and SHIKI are one person, so Shiki's actions are SHIKI's, and SHIKI suppressing his own fancies was also Shiki's wish as well.
... Yes, SHIKI was a murderer. As far as I know he had no experience at it but, he had a desire within him to kill those beings called humans that were the same organism as him. The dominant personality of Shiki ignored this - in short, she forbade it.
Shiki and SHIKI were inseparable beings, although they ignored each other. Shiki was lonely but because of the self called SHIKI she wasn't alone.
But the time came when that relationship would be destroyed.
Two years ago --- when Shiki was a first year high school student. The season when for the first time SHIKI, who until then hadn't wanted to use the body, had asked to go out of his own volition.
From there on, Shiki's memory is hazy.
Right now I can't bring to mind any of Shiki's memories from the beginning of the first year of high school, until I was involved in the accident.
The thing I remember --- my shape standing at the site of the murder. More than that, there's an image that I can remember even more clearly than that.
The classroom burning red in the light of the sunset.
The one who destroyed Shiki, my classmate.
The boy, that Shiki wanted to kill.
The piece of normality, that Shiki wanted to protect.
I got the feeling that I knew this a long time ago.
But the me that has woken from a long sleep, his name is the one thing I can't yet remember.
⁂
Night falls, and the hospital grows quiet.
Only the occasional sound of slippers echoing through the corridors makes me feel that I'm awake.
Inside the darkness --- no, because I'm in the darkness. The blind me, I take to heart the fact that I'm alone. If I was the previous Shiki, I wouldn't have had this kind of feeling. Shiki, who had another self inside her. But SHIKI no longer exists. No --- I, I don't even know whether I'm Shiki or SHIKI.
SHIKI had disappeared from inside me. With that alone I recognize myself as Shiki.
"Hic hic... What kind of contradiction is this. Not knowing which side one is if one side is missing."
I try talking to myself but the emptiness in my chest doesn't even fill a little. Even just the thought that I am sad would have some change on this emotionless mind of mine.
I won't be able to know.
Since I am no one, I can't feel that Ryougi Shiki's memories are really mine. Even if the shell called Ryougi Shiki exists, when the contents are washed away the shell has no meaning. .... Oh it hurts. What must go inside this empty cave?
"--- I, will, go, in..."
Suddenly I hear words like that.
A movement of the air as if a door has opened.
It's probably my imagination
I turn my closed eyes that way.
There's --- something there.
White smoke is billowing. My eyes that shouldn't be able to see can see the shape of the smoke. The smoke strangely resembled a human. No, it seemed as if a human lacked bones and was swaying in the wind like a sunflower.
The unpleasant smoke comes straight at me.
I can't move as I like yet, so I just blankly wait for it.
Even if this is a ghost, I'm not afraid.
The really scary things have no shape. No matter how weird something is, if it has form I can't be scared.
And --- if it is a ghost, the current me may as well be the same. After all there's not much difference between a thing that isn't alive, and me, who has no reason to live.
The smoke slaps me.
My whole body and mind go into overdrive. The chill that rakes down my spine is as sharp as a bird's talons.
It was an unpleasant sensation but I just dumbly sat there and watched. After touching me for an age, the smoke melts like a snail sprinkled with salt.
The reason is simple. It's been five hours since the smoke started touching me. It will soon be five o'clock. The ghost melted because it's now morning.
Since I haven't slept, I decide to go to sleep again.
xxx
The somethingth morning since I woke up comes around. My eyes are still wrapped in bandages so I can't see a thing.
A quiet morning with no one around.
The wavelet-like silence is so dazzling that I lose my sense of self.
-I can hear the chattering of little birds.
-I can feel the warmth of the sunlight.
-The clear air feels my lungs.
-Ah. Compared to that world, this place is so beautiful.
But, there's a self that's not happy with this. Every time I'm wrapped in the morning air that I can only feel by sense, I just think:
-They are this happy.
Humans are loners like this. Being alone is safest, so how come we can't bear being alone?
The past me was complete. Because I was self-sufficient, I didn't need anyone else. But, I'm different now. I'm no longer complete. I'm waiting for a part I lack. I'm just desperately waiting like this.
But just who am I waiting for... ?
⁂
The lady doctor who called herself a counselor came daily. Before I knew it I seemed to be treating my talks with her as my only relief from the mundane during the course of the days.
"Hmm, as expected. It's not that SHIKI didn't have control over the body, it's just that he didn't exercise it. You two keep getting more fascinating the more I hear about you."
Still bringing the chair over and sitting there next to the bed, the lady doctor talks as if she's amused by something. For some reason she knows my circumstances very well: the dual personality that only a few even within the Ryougi family know about, my involvement in the serial killer case 2 years ago. Those details that normally I would have to keep hiding, but to me they are inconsequential events anyway.
Before I knew it I was responding to the counselor's light teasing.
"There's nothing funny about having a dual personality."
"No, no. You know, you two don't have anything as pleasing to look at as dissociative identity disorder. Existing simultaneously, each having their own unique will, and on top of that your actions are coordinated. That sort of complex personality shouldn't be called a "dissociated identity," but rather a "united independent personality"."
"United... independent personality?"
"Yeah. Still, some questions remain. In that case there was no reason for SHIKI to stay asleep, but according to your story he was always sleeping. That part of it is a little strange."
SHIKI who was always asleep.
... I'm probably the only one who knows why.
SHIKI, more than Shiki --- liked to dream.
"So, is he still sleeping, that guy?"
I don't reply to the lady doctor's words.
"So that's how it is. He did die. Two years ago during the accident, in your stead.
That's why you have an omission in your memory. Since he's dead, those memories won't be coming back... How Ryougi Shiki was associated with the street serial killer, with this that knowledge has truly disappeared into the darkness."
"That event. They said that the criminal was never caught."
"Yeah. After your accident the criminal disappeared as if he were a lie."
I wonder to what extent that is true, the lady doctor said with a laugh.
"However, there was no reason for SHIKI-kun to disappear. If he just stayed asleep, ignoring the world outside, Shiki would have disappeared. For some reason he must have wished for himself to disappear."
That kind of thing, even if she asks me I don't have any answers.
"I don't know. More importantly, did you bring the scissors?"
"Ah, as expected, I couldn't. You have a history so any potential weapons are strictly forbidden."
The lady doctor's words are according to my expectations. Whether or not it was due to the daily rehab exercises, my body has recovered to the point where I can move easily by myself. They said that I am the first to have recovered so quickly with just a few minutes of exercise twice a day.
As a celebration of sorts I asked the lady doctor for a pair of scissors.
"But what are you going to use a pair of scissors for? Planning to do some flower arrangements?"
"As if, I just want to cut my hair."
That's why. Now that I can move my body, my hair that reaches my back has become inconvenient. Hair that bounces around from my neck and flows down to my shoulders is pretty annoying.
"Then you can call a hairdresser. If you find it difficult to talk, should I call one for you?"
"No thanks. Another person touching my hair? I don't even want to think about it."
"That's right. To a woman her hair is her life. The fact that your hairs grown while you are the same as you were two years ago is a wonderful thing."
I can hear the lady doctor standing up.
"So shall I give you this instead? It's a stone carved with a rune, it should do the same thing as a charm. I'll put it over your doorway, so be careful not to lose it to anyone."
It seems that the lady doctor used her chair to place the charm, or whatever it was, over the door.
And just like that she opens the door.
"Then, that's it from me. Someone else might come starting tomorrow, so stay well."
Talking in a strange roundabout manner the lady doctor left.
⁂
That night the guest that always came to visit didn't appear. The smoke-like ghost that appears without failure at midnight, for some reason it didn't enter the room.
The smoke was coming every night and touching me.
I knew that that was dangerous, but I just left it alone. If that ghost got angry at me and tried to kill me, that would be okay too.
No, rather, how comfortable would it be if it had just killed me?
For I, who cannot even feel that I'm alive, there is no reason to keep on living. Instead it would be easier to just disappear.
In the darkness I try touching the bandages covering my eyes.
My sight will soon come back. In that case I will completely ruin my eyes this time around.
I can't see it now but if I fully recover it will be visible again. If I'm going to see that world again. I don't need anything like these eyes. Even if destroying my eyes means I will be unable to see the world on this side of that divide, it's still better than that.
But until that moment I will be unable to act.
The Shiki of before would have destroyed her eyes without any hesitation, the current me is stopping at achieving a temporary darkness.
--- It's so... pitiful.
While I have no will to live, I don't even have any will to die. This emotionless self of mine doesn't feel any attraction towards any action. I can only affirm another's will.
So if that unidentifiable smoke tries to kill me I have no thoughts of stopping it.
The thought of death holds no attractions for me but I don't feel like resisting it either.
Because... Happiness or sadness, if they are things I could only obtain as Ryougi Shiki...
Then the present me has no reason to live on.
xxx
Aozaki Touko first heard the story of the person called Ryougi Shiki on a nice afternoon, not long after they had entered the month of June.
The origin of it all was that the new employee she had just hired on impulse was Ryougi Shiki's friend, and as a way to pass the time she lent an ear to his story.
According to his tale the person called Ryougi Shiki fell into a comatose state after a traffic accident 2 years ago. She was retaining her life functions but there was no possibility of her waking up. Not only that, but the growth of her body also seemed to have stopped. At first Touko couldn't believe this apparent contradiction, how could a person's life functions continue if they've stopped growing?
"... Hmm, the only time an organism does not grow is if it is dead. No, even pressure over time affects the dead. A corpse passes through the growth called decay and returns to the earth. The only thing that moves but doesn't grow would be that wind-up doll you brought in and set loose a while ago."
"But it's true. Since the accident, it doesn't look like she's aged a bit. Are there any other cases where a person is in a coma for which there's no explainable cause, Touko-san?"
"Hmmm..." goes Touko upon hearing the new employee's question, and crosses her arms.
"Let's see. There was that famous one in that country over there. A newly married woman in her twenties fell into a coma. She woke up after fifty years had passed, don't you know that one?"
In reply to Touko's words the new employee says "No," and shakes his head.
"Uh, how was that person when she woke up?"
"Extremely normal. As if she hadn't been sleeping for 50 long years. Her mind was revived just as it had been in her twenties, apparently it made her husband sad."
"--- Eh? Sad, how come? His wife's recovery should be a joyous occurrence."
"The thing is, her mind was still just as it was in her twenties, but her body had grown old into its seventies. Even in a comatose state, leaving something alive means that it will degrade, you can't do anything about that.
So this seventy year old granny is always urging her husband to go out as if she's till in her twenties. The husband has lived the seventy years normally so he's normal - the problem is the wife. Because fifty years have flowed past without her knowledge, she can't accept the fact no matter how you explain it. It's not that she doesn't want to accept it, she really can't conceive it to be the truth.
It's a tragedy among tragedies. They say that the lady who wanted to go out to play with that wrinkled face of hers was persuaded not to by her husband, who was in tears. They also say that he had this thought: If it was going to be like this, it would have been better if she hadn't woken up at all.
How was it? This dream-like tragedy, it's actually something that happened in the past. Was it useful?"
In wonder, he actually nodded in response to Touko's sarcastic question.
"Oh, are you onto something?"
He gave a small nod to the impishly smiling Touko.
"...Yeah, a little. I'm thinking it might be like this. That Shiki might be trying not to wake up."
"It sounds like there's a past there. Good. Since I'm bored, shall I listen to the story as a way to pass the time?"
He gets angry at Touko who really thinks of it as just another way to kill time and turns away.
"No thank you. Touko-san, your insensitivity is a real problem."
"What, you are the one who brought it up. I understand, so spill it. It's not just a whim for me either. That Azaka, every time she rings it's Shiki this and Shiki that. If I have no idea as to what kind of person this Shiki is I can't reply can I?"
At the mention of Azaka's name he put on a sour face.
"I've been meaning to ask you for a while but, how did my little sister come to know you Touko-san?"
"One year ago at a tourist spot. I got caught up in an impossible situation and my cover was totally blown."
"...Well, okay, but Azaka is a very naive child, so please avoid that talk of what's there and what's not around her. Since she's in that period where I'm worried about her even without her getting involved in all that."
"Azaka... Naive? Well, your relationship with your little sister is your problem so I won't get involved. Instead, share that story about that kid called Shiki."
Unable to withstand Touko who had pushed herself onto the desk, he began talking.
About his friend Ryougi Shiki's personality and her unique character.
During high school he and Ryougi Shiki were classmates. He had a relationship with the name Ryougi Shiki before entering high school, and after getting put in the same class as her became friends. The only person to have a friendly relationship with Ryougi Shiki, who didn't want any friends, was him.
But, after the street murders during the first year of high school, Ryougi Shiki began changing in a strange way.
She confessed to him that she had a dual personality, and that her other side enjoyed murder.
To be truthful, how R. Shiki was connected to the street murders two years ago is still a mystery. Before anything could be confirmed she had an accident in front of his eyes and was moved to the hospital.
During the first days of March, on that cold night of the falling rain.
That kind of story about someone's life. Touko treated it as just another story told over a beer, but as the story progressed the smile disappeared from her face.
"--- That's all there is to know about the relationship between Shiki and me. Although the story is already two years old."
"--- So is that why her growth has stopped? Stocking up her life. It's not even as if she's a vampire."
Heh, Touko smirked with the end of the lips curled up.
"So, how do you write that kid's name? It would be in kanji wouldn't it?"
"Shiki(數) from (神), why?"
"Is it the Shiki of Shikigami(式)? And her family name is Ryougi at that. That's just perfect."
Rubbing out the cigarette she had been biting on the ashtray, Touko stood up, as if unable to tolerate something any longer.
"Was that hospital in the suburbs? This is getting interesting... I'll be right back."
Without waiting for a reply Touko left the office behind her.
I can't believe I'm getting involved in this sort of nonsense at a place like this, what kind of fate is this? Touko bit her lip.
⁂
Ryougi Shiki's recovery is a few days later.
The fact that the situation doesn't even allow for the relatives to visit means that normal visits are out of the question.
Is it because of that?
Is that the reason that the new employee is concentrating on his desk-work with a sulkiness which makes it seem that his whole person has undergone a change.
"It's gloomy, too gloomy."
"Yes ma'am. A light, I'll obtain one that's suitable."
He replies without even looking at Touko.
There are times when a dutiful person will show absurdly eccentric conduct as a result of having missed something. Thinking this teen is of that sort, Touko speaks to him.
"Don't think so obsessively about it. You seem ready to just charge in there tonight or something."
"Impossible ma'am. That hospital, the security is nothing short of a research lab."
In contrast to the casual manner in which he replies, it seems as if he's carried out a pretty thorough investigation.
Touko shrugs, thinking: Well, I can't let a brand new employee become a criminal.
"... I was going to stay quiet about this, but since you are so agitated I'll tell. I'm going to be working at the hospital as a stand-in from tomorrow. I'll find out how Ryougi Shiki is, so just sit tight for now."
"--- What?"
"It just so happened that I got invited as a doctor. Normally I would have refused but this time it's not as if it's someone else's business. Seeing as I dragged the story out of you I thought that I had to at least do this for you."
Touko speaks as if it's no big deal.
Rising up from his chair, he approaches Touko and grabs hold of her two hands. Voom, voom. The two people's hands go up and down. ... Not realizing that this is an expression of his admiration, Touko stares at him with a stiff face.
"You have some strange hobbies, don't you?"
"I'm delighted! In fact, I'm stunned! There's a gentle and virtuous side to Touko-san like in other people after all!"
"... I realized I'm not like others, but I think it's better not to say things like that."
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking. Ah, so that's why you are dressed formally today. It looks very smart, it really suits you. I couldn't recognize you!"
"... My outfit's the same as always but, whatever, I'll accept the compliments."
It's useless to say anything, Touko realizes, and quietly folds things up.
"So don't do anything rash. Even without that sort of thing that hospital is strange. You will sit here and look after the office, got it?"
At that, the until-then hyperactive employee settles down.
"... Strange, you mean that hospital?"
"Yeah. There's a ward against something placed there. It seems like another magician was meddling with things. Of course, the target wasn't Ryougi Shiki. If it was, they wouldn't have held off for two years."
It was a whopper of a lie but the confident way in which she spoke meant he didn't suspect a thing.
"... Uhm, a ward. That's like the second floor of this building isn't it?"
"Yep. A ward is something of different levels which isolates a specified area. They range from ones that really create a wall, to ones that cover the target area with an invisible barrier. The highest ranking wards are a form of subliminal coercion that goes, "nothing has been done but no one approaches". It's the same as this building. If you put in place a suggestion like: "Anyone who does not have a reason to come here will not be conscious of this place", a ward will be formed which will continue to exist without anyone noticing. A ward that just mimics another world and makes people realize that something is wrong is the worst of the worst."
A strangeness which prevents you from noticing strangeness, that is her rule of vacancy. A ward which everyone ignores and passes although it's on the map. A world where a pre-eminent magician lives, appears to be just like any other neighboring house.
But that ward, this new employee unconsciously broke it. This building which he shouldn't have been able to find unless he knew Aozaki Touko, he found too easily.
... Well, that is also the reason she hired him.
"... So, is that hospital's ward a dangerous one?"
"Try listening to what someone is saying. A ward itself does no harm. That word, it originates from Buddhism. A ward is always something that isolates an area from the outside world; although it has somehow come to represent technique by which a magician protects his or her body.
Understand? I said this just before, but the best wards don't feel weird to a normal person. Shall we call it "an idea which forces itself on the unconscious mind". The best of the best reach the stage of "disconnection of space"; but to go that far you are looking at magicians rather than sorcerers. Currently there's only one magician in this country, so basically that kind of ward just can't be formed.
Well nothing that powerful was formed, but the ward placed around that hospital is pretty complex. It's good enough that even I didn't notice it for a while. There's a ward specialist that I know, this skill is at the same level as that guy.
... Well, among ward specialists there are a lot of philosophers. Most of them are well distanced from anything accompanied by violence so it should be alright for now."
That's right, there's no danger in the ward itself. The problem is what is happening within the bounds of that space cut off from the rest of the world. That hospital's ward is aimed inwards, not outwards. In short, it's of the kind that makes it so no one notices no matter what happens within the building. For example, if a room was to explode in the middle of the night not one person would be woken up by the noise.
Touko didn't tell him that. Saying something about the time creeping along, she walks out with her eyes focused on the clock.
His voices catches on her narrow back.
"Touko-san. Shiki, take good care of her."
"Alright," Touko says, waving. He asks her another trivial question even though she didn't even bother to turn around.
"Ah, yes. Touko-san, who's that ward specialist you know?"
Tock, Touko's feet stop.
She falls into thought for a second then swings her head around to pierce him with her eyes as she replies.
"Well, if he's a ward specialist, he's a monk of course."
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