eternal optimist.
in the past weeks, it's become increasingly apparent to me that i may have consumed one too many mind altering substances during the last few years of my life.
as soon as i step out of my safe little cave in the morning, something clicks in my head. everything looks the same, everything's exactly where it's supposed to be, doing what it's supposed to do..but none of it feels real anymore. and it's unnerving, because i know it is real, but my brain refuses to be in sync with all of it. and it's no longer a matter of when i'm high versus when i'm sober, because even when i've got nothing significant to speak of in my system, well, i still feel like i'm under the influence. before i was able to shrug this off, but the more i start thinking about it, the more uncomfortable it makes me. and to top it all off, the cherry on the god damn sundae, it infuriates me to know that this is all my fault. completely and totally, 100%, no questions asked, my fault.
so. instead of beating myself up over it, continuing the cycle of, "god, what the fuck is the world doing. i need to get (insert corresponding word for fucked up on whatever drug it is) right now" i'm conducting an experiment. that's right, for science!
okay. maybe not. but i've decided that for one month, starting last night, i won't be consuming any substances that put me in another state of mind. this includes everything from the constant can of rockstar i have in my hand at work to mushrooms (yes, my favorite drug) if they end up on my doorstep. i'm testing to see if the world will shift itself back into some semblence of "okay, my brain is not as fried as i thought." i'm hoping at the end of all of this that i can incorporate them back into my life and be reasonable about it. because as of a while ago, i haven't been. i'm hoping that i can fully realize (not just speculate) that i can lead a perfectly happy life without being under the influence during every spare moment that i'm not taking care of work responsibilities. i'm testing to see if my short term memory will pop back in for a visit. i'm testing to see how much money i actually waste. and the list goes on and on, but you get the point.
i just need a fucking break.
and really, not so unfortunately, this will most likely include a break from the group of people i associate with. seeing as i've realized over time that i don't actually LIKE most of them, this won't be a big deal. the point of the break, though, is to not be around the substances i truly love to be around. i know my willpower, and it's not that strong.
alright, now that we've got the important part covered..
unlike usual i've got a million things to write about. a shitload of decently interesting, exciting (to me?) and wonderful stories to tell. stories out the wazoo. a lot has happened in the past month and a half or so that i'd like to get down before i completely forget the nitty gritty details (that i haven't already forgotten). the reason i hadn't written about all of it before is because, you may have guessed it, i've been too god damn stoned the entire god damn time to be coherent about any of it. unfortunately it's all much, much too long to put into one post. but! LUCKY YOU! in my glorious days of soberness i will be writing and posting about all of my adventures (oh god, i can sense your excitement straight through my monitor!) these adventures include canada, minute (sales)men, road trips (and cute boys on airplanes), drama!, and some other things that (what do you know) i can't remember right now. but, you can rest assured that you'll be hearing from me much more in the near future.
until then, for those of you that matter, i'm alive and actually really not doing all that badly. regardless of the fact that i may be going insane for real this time, i'm pretty sure things will smooth out in the end.
because hey, they usually do.
as soon as i step out of my safe little cave in the morning, something clicks in my head. everything looks the same, everything's exactly where it's supposed to be, doing what it's supposed to do..but none of it feels real anymore. and it's unnerving, because i know it is real, but my brain refuses to be in sync with all of it. and it's no longer a matter of when i'm high versus when i'm sober, because even when i've got nothing significant to speak of in my system, well, i still feel like i'm under the influence. before i was able to shrug this off, but the more i start thinking about it, the more uncomfortable it makes me. and to top it all off, the cherry on the god damn sundae, it infuriates me to know that this is all my fault. completely and totally, 100%, no questions asked, my fault.
so. instead of beating myself up over it, continuing the cycle of, "god, what the fuck is the world doing. i need to get (insert corresponding word for fucked up on whatever drug it is) right now" i'm conducting an experiment. that's right, for science!
okay. maybe not. but i've decided that for one month, starting last night, i won't be consuming any substances that put me in another state of mind. this includes everything from the constant can of rockstar i have in my hand at work to mushrooms (yes, my favorite drug) if they end up on my doorstep. i'm testing to see if the world will shift itself back into some semblence of "okay, my brain is not as fried as i thought." i'm hoping at the end of all of this that i can incorporate them back into my life and be reasonable about it. because as of a while ago, i haven't been. i'm hoping that i can fully realize (not just speculate) that i can lead a perfectly happy life without being under the influence during every spare moment that i'm not taking care of work responsibilities. i'm testing to see if my short term memory will pop back in for a visit. i'm testing to see how much money i actually waste. and the list goes on and on, but you get the point.
i just need a fucking break.
and really, not so unfortunately, this will most likely include a break from the group of people i associate with. seeing as i've realized over time that i don't actually LIKE most of them, this won't be a big deal. the point of the break, though, is to not be around the substances i truly love to be around. i know my willpower, and it's not that strong.
alright, now that we've got the important part covered..
unlike usual i've got a million things to write about. a shitload of decently interesting, exciting (to me?) and wonderful stories to tell. stories out the wazoo. a lot has happened in the past month and a half or so that i'd like to get down before i completely forget the nitty gritty details (that i haven't already forgotten). the reason i hadn't written about all of it before is because, you may have guessed it, i've been too god damn stoned the entire god damn time to be coherent about any of it. unfortunately it's all much, much too long to put into one post. but! LUCKY YOU! in my glorious days of soberness i will be writing and posting about all of my adventures (oh god, i can sense your excitement straight through my monitor!) these adventures include canada, minute (sales)men, road trips (and cute boys on airplanes), drama!, and some other things that (what do you know) i can't remember right now. but, you can rest assured that you'll be hearing from me much more in the near future.
until then, for those of you that matter, i'm alive and actually really not doing all that badly. regardless of the fact that i may be going insane for real this time, i'm pretty sure things will smooth out in the end.
because hey, they usually do.