(no subject)
if anyone's interested, i'm alive.
i've been avoiding livejournal lately. which is not to say i'm not on the internet much anymore. oh no, it's as much as a problem as it ever was. but i've substituted the SA forums and WoW (occassionally) in place of good old livejournal. i do still read my friends' page obsessively, though, so if you have a friends only journal, don't remove me. i'm still around and if you're on my list, i'm still interested in what's going on in your life.
i'm attempting to backtrack the almost a month that it's been since i had anything to say to this old thing, and i'm coming up somewhat short. life really isn't much different than it ever was. which, (un?)fortunately for you doesn't mean i'm not going to write a long, mostly disjointed entry, to follow my current updating trend. if you actually read it through, seriously, drop me a line. i know i'm bad with commenting/communcating, but i do like to hear from people.
i guess the only thing that's significantly different is how completely and utterly unhappy i've been with myself. i'm generally a pretty optimistic, upbeat, happy person. there are a few things i can pinpoint that are causing it, but other than that, i really don't know. i've got a lot of bullshit i need to get straightened out and i've finally admitted to myself that i can't do it alone. unfortunately, like i've said before, i'm incapable of asking a personal friend or family member for help. my new ingenious plan is to talk to a therapist. which, in the past, i was adamantly against, but after thinking about it..well, i need to do SOMETHING and it's a viable option. thankfully my three month mark at kia is coming up here in a week or two and i'll be able to start my medical insurance back up.
to try and avoid the dislike of myself i've been hiding in drugs, food and sleep. sadly, i can honestly say for the first time in my life, that i'm using drugs to run away from problems and not just to have "fun". this in turn makes me eat, compulsively, a lot, which in turn makes me unhappy, which in turn just makes me want to sleep for hours and hours. vicious cycle. another thing that needs addressed.
in better news, i HAVE been getting out a little more than normal. and being around people i know and like does help, to an extent. especially christina. there's always madness with that girl. has been ever since i met her, always will be. we saw atmosphere (with P.O.S and grayskull) a few weeks ago at neumos and had a blast. making salesmen buy us booze, smoking weed with said salesman in a company car, running around seattle drunk as hell, dancing like maniacs to good hip hop. "nights on the town" don't get much better than that one.
last week we brought 4/:20 in as it should be. we had access to a lady's house who is out of town and gave ashley permission to use it and have people over. said woman is a disgusting slob of a human and never cleaned her house. the real madness started when KD decided that knife hits were a must. for those of you who can't put two and two together, i'll help out. filthy, food-caked stove burners + knives + hot hot heat = nasty old food causing a rather large electrical fire on said stove. four EXTREMELY stoned girls and a fire don't really mesh well. KD almost threw water on it (lol, electricity and water) and someone decided that since fat slob woman didn't have baking soda, flour might work just as well. wrong. thankfully christina is man enough for all of us and handled the situation with a level head, throwing a metal pan over it and screaming for baking soda while we tore apart this woman's kitchen. seriously, who the fuck doesn't keep baking soda in their house? anyway, after putting the fire out we switched burners and succeeded in that mission. my next bit of madness came while sitting in christina's truck at the 7-11. i was beyond the high point where i could successfully deal with the public, so i stayed in the truck. a group of guys came out of the 7-11 and the driver started making eyes at me. i smiled and blushed and acted like a retard. i've never been hit on by a perfect stranger and really didn't know how to react. so i, in my usual style, made it as awkward as possible and kicked myself in the ass for it later. lesson learned.
i woke up the next morning to demands that i get to christina's house, immediately. her and KD decided that sleeping wasn't going to happen. why waste that beautiful holiday sleeping when they could be fucked up. all day. they gathered a group of people for a morning party, which is something that never happens. but shit, it was 4/:20. i get over there and apparently craig is very excited to see me. he runs up to me, picks me up, starts to carry me across the yard. the problem came when he had to duck under the volleyball net, pipe in one hand, me in his arms. i was thrown/dropped into another person, my poor little head bouncing off of the ground. i successfully got my first case of whiplash on 4/20/2005. anyway, we had a miniature field day that morning. we're generally not a very active group of people but we managed to play a game of ghetto badmitton, croquet and ULTIMATE FRISBEE. i need more mornings like that before work, it does wonders for the day. the day wrapped up pretty uneventfully, but that was definitely another 4/:20 for the books.
this past weekend i spent two 12 hour days in a cesspool of rain, car exhaust, confusion and testosterone. which may sound boring, even depressing, to some, but seriously, i had a great time. i spent most of the time parked in a chair, in a 10' x 8' tent waiting for the salesmen to sell something for me to "detail." i entertained myself with painting the table i was sitting at, staring off into space, talking to myself, making up stories and lives for the confused automobile seekers, and having some seriously intense sexual fantasies about two of the salesmen i want to run a train on me. for some reason, unknown to me, my sexual energy has been past the redline, bordering on DANGER, HIGH VOLTAGE, as of late. there are solutions to this problem, one which will probably come in the form of jim maveety this weekend, but seriously i want one of these older men to show me what sex can REALLY be. and i'm not talking softcore porn vanilla sex. oh no. i'm talking order me around, tie me up, steal my "behymen" (lol anal virginity), shove me in the bathroom for a five minute quickie, fuck me until i pass out and then keep going, sex. this could be accomplished easily, if i had anything resembling balls. sexual passes are made at me constantly and instead of taking advantage of it and being smooth, i blush and don't say a damn thing. i'm hoping the older one (35) just goes for it. i wouldn't stop him. but, for now, i guess i'll have to settle with masturbating in the car wash in people's new cars.
anyway, after all of that work, i accrued approximately 16 hours of overtime. at $12.25 an hour, that's about $200.00 extra dollars on my next paycheck. well. before taxes.
to wrap this up quickly, since i do need to get ready for work, my next big goal is to get out of my parent's house. unfortunately, todd lost his job a few weeks ago and after all of the shit they've done for me, i would like to help them out as much as possible. i guess in the next few weeks i'm going to get this medical insurance shit settled, go see my doctors for a few things (my ear, the therapist, the cyst that grew on my wrist over night), pay a big chunk of my car loan, look into the apartments i am aiming for, and start building up my savings again. i need to go to school. i've got another idea for "the future," but that's another entry in itself. so if you don't see anything from me for a few more weeks, well, that's what's going on.
i've been trying to make a point of learning to converse with people in a normal fashion, anyone that would like to help my cause, feel free to instant message me on AIM (opened) or contact me through myspace, username: grodycodi. talk about anything, i'm easily amused.
i've been avoiding livejournal lately. which is not to say i'm not on the internet much anymore. oh no, it's as much as a problem as it ever was. but i've substituted the SA forums and WoW (occassionally) in place of good old livejournal. i do still read my friends' page obsessively, though, so if you have a friends only journal, don't remove me. i'm still around and if you're on my list, i'm still interested in what's going on in your life.
i'm attempting to backtrack the almost a month that it's been since i had anything to say to this old thing, and i'm coming up somewhat short. life really isn't much different than it ever was. which, (un?)fortunately for you doesn't mean i'm not going to write a long, mostly disjointed entry, to follow my current updating trend. if you actually read it through, seriously, drop me a line. i know i'm bad with commenting/communcating, but i do like to hear from people.
i guess the only thing that's significantly different is how completely and utterly unhappy i've been with myself. i'm generally a pretty optimistic, upbeat, happy person. there are a few things i can pinpoint that are causing it, but other than that, i really don't know. i've got a lot of bullshit i need to get straightened out and i've finally admitted to myself that i can't do it alone. unfortunately, like i've said before, i'm incapable of asking a personal friend or family member for help. my new ingenious plan is to talk to a therapist. which, in the past, i was adamantly against, but after thinking about it..well, i need to do SOMETHING and it's a viable option. thankfully my three month mark at kia is coming up here in a week or two and i'll be able to start my medical insurance back up.
to try and avoid the dislike of myself i've been hiding in drugs, food and sleep. sadly, i can honestly say for the first time in my life, that i'm using drugs to run away from problems and not just to have "fun". this in turn makes me eat, compulsively, a lot, which in turn makes me unhappy, which in turn just makes me want to sleep for hours and hours. vicious cycle. another thing that needs addressed.
in better news, i HAVE been getting out a little more than normal. and being around people i know and like does help, to an extent. especially christina. there's always madness with that girl. has been ever since i met her, always will be. we saw atmosphere (with P.O.S and grayskull) a few weeks ago at neumos and had a blast. making salesmen buy us booze, smoking weed with said salesman in a company car, running around seattle drunk as hell, dancing like maniacs to good hip hop. "nights on the town" don't get much better than that one.
last week we brought 4/:20 in as it should be. we had access to a lady's house who is out of town and gave ashley permission to use it and have people over. said woman is a disgusting slob of a human and never cleaned her house. the real madness started when KD decided that knife hits were a must. for those of you who can't put two and two together, i'll help out. filthy, food-caked stove burners + knives + hot hot heat = nasty old food causing a rather large electrical fire on said stove. four EXTREMELY stoned girls and a fire don't really mesh well. KD almost threw water on it (lol, electricity and water) and someone decided that since fat slob woman didn't have baking soda, flour might work just as well. wrong. thankfully christina is man enough for all of us and handled the situation with a level head, throwing a metal pan over it and screaming for baking soda while we tore apart this woman's kitchen. seriously, who the fuck doesn't keep baking soda in their house? anyway, after putting the fire out we switched burners and succeeded in that mission. my next bit of madness came while sitting in christina's truck at the 7-11. i was beyond the high point where i could successfully deal with the public, so i stayed in the truck. a group of guys came out of the 7-11 and the driver started making eyes at me. i smiled and blushed and acted like a retard. i've never been hit on by a perfect stranger and really didn't know how to react. so i, in my usual style, made it as awkward as possible and kicked myself in the ass for it later. lesson learned.
i woke up the next morning to demands that i get to christina's house, immediately. her and KD decided that sleeping wasn't going to happen. why waste that beautiful holiday sleeping when they could be fucked up. all day. they gathered a group of people for a morning party, which is something that never happens. but shit, it was 4/:20. i get over there and apparently craig is very excited to see me. he runs up to me, picks me up, starts to carry me across the yard. the problem came when he had to duck under the volleyball net, pipe in one hand, me in his arms. i was thrown/dropped into another person, my poor little head bouncing off of the ground. i successfully got my first case of whiplash on 4/20/2005. anyway, we had a miniature field day that morning. we're generally not a very active group of people but we managed to play a game of ghetto badmitton, croquet and ULTIMATE FRISBEE. i need more mornings like that before work, it does wonders for the day. the day wrapped up pretty uneventfully, but that was definitely another 4/:20 for the books.
this past weekend i spent two 12 hour days in a cesspool of rain, car exhaust, confusion and testosterone. which may sound boring, even depressing, to some, but seriously, i had a great time. i spent most of the time parked in a chair, in a 10' x 8' tent waiting for the salesmen to sell something for me to "detail." i entertained myself with painting the table i was sitting at, staring off into space, talking to myself, making up stories and lives for the confused automobile seekers, and having some seriously intense sexual fantasies about two of the salesmen i want to run a train on me. for some reason, unknown to me, my sexual energy has been past the redline, bordering on DANGER, HIGH VOLTAGE, as of late. there are solutions to this problem, one which will probably come in the form of jim maveety this weekend, but seriously i want one of these older men to show me what sex can REALLY be. and i'm not talking softcore porn vanilla sex. oh no. i'm talking order me around, tie me up, steal my "behymen" (lol anal virginity), shove me in the bathroom for a five minute quickie, fuck me until i pass out and then keep going, sex. this could be accomplished easily, if i had anything resembling balls. sexual passes are made at me constantly and instead of taking advantage of it and being smooth, i blush and don't say a damn thing. i'm hoping the older one (35) just goes for it. i wouldn't stop him. but, for now, i guess i'll have to settle with masturbating in the car wash in people's new cars.
anyway, after all of that work, i accrued approximately 16 hours of overtime. at $12.25 an hour, that's about $200.00 extra dollars on my next paycheck. well. before taxes.
to wrap this up quickly, since i do need to get ready for work, my next big goal is to get out of my parent's house. unfortunately, todd lost his job a few weeks ago and after all of the shit they've done for me, i would like to help them out as much as possible. i guess in the next few weeks i'm going to get this medical insurance shit settled, go see my doctors for a few things (my ear, the therapist, the cyst that grew on my wrist over night), pay a big chunk of my car loan, look into the apartments i am aiming for, and start building up my savings again. i need to go to school. i've got another idea for "the future," but that's another entry in itself. so if you don't see anything from me for a few more weeks, well, that's what's going on.
i've been trying to make a point of learning to converse with people in a normal fashion, anyone that would like to help my cause, feel free to instant message me on AIM (opened) or contact me through myspace, username: grodycodi. talk about anything, i'm easily amused.