GrumpyCat's time-tested ways to roust a two-foot

[phoenixprime]

At least fifteen minutes before the noisy loud thing next to the two-foot sleeping place starts to caterwaul:

Technique 1:

Move to the place next to the sleeping place where the two-foot likes to put things.

Select a lightweight thing that will rattle (but not break). But-not-break is important. You are waking the two-foot, not getting even with the two-foot.

Deftly flip the selected thing onto a noisy surface. Be sure to avoid all two-foot fake fur piled on the floor, because you will not get noise this way.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, repeat or move to the next technique.

Technique 2:

Purr loudly. This relaxes the two-foot, creating an optimal environment for your next move, as well as creating noise.

Walk back and forth over the two-foot's head. This will either roust the two-foot or create scritches, which are also good.

Accept scritches, but continue walking.

Continue until bored.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, return to technique 1 or move to an advanced technique.

Technique 3 (Advanced):

Knead the pillow next to the two-foot's head, preferably on any decorative stiching.

This will either roust the two-foot or create scritches, which are also good.

Accept scritches, but continue kneading.

Continue until bored.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, select a different technique, or repeat as you choose.

Technique 4 (Advanced):

Lick the two-foot's eyelid. This requires high precision, because you must not tickle the two-foot's face with your whiskers while moving towards the eyelid or the eyelid will move.

This will either roust the two-foot or create scritches, which are also good.

Accept scritches, but continue licking.

Continue until bored.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, select a different technique, or repeat as you choose.

Technique 5 (Advanced):

Sniff the inside of the two-foot's ear. The two-foot is likely to scratch at the ear quickly, so be prepared to move out of the way quickly.

This will either roust the two-foot or create scritches, which are also good.

Accept scritches, but continue sniffing.

Continue until bored.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, select a different technique, or repeat as you choose.

Technique 6 (Advanced):

Chew at the air, as if eating a long strand of hair. This creates memories of the days when the two-foot had long hair and you were actually eating it. It also creates a noise that the two-foot doesn't like and therefore helps wake up the two-foot.

This will either roust the two-foot or create scritches, which are also good.

Accept scritches, but continue chewing.

Continue until bored.

Check to see if the two-foot is getting up yet. If not, select a different technique, or repeat as you choose.

Technique 7 (Guaranteed):

Walk on or stand on the two-foot's bladder. Note: the two-foot can ignore you if you distribute your weight on the bladder, so do not lie down on the two-foot's bladder. This technique requires standing, but is guaranteed to work.