Leaving soon...
Not permanently! I'll be heading off to KL on the 18th to attend another cousin's wedding, the youngest brother of the other cousin whose wedding I went to last year. Managing my funds for the next couple of months will be crucial as financially, I'm on a knife edge. I must practice self control... *repeats to self*
I guess I have to also be emotionally prepared for the onslaught of "when's your turn?" all over again. At 27, there is very little in terms of excuses I can come up with without having to steal my cousin's thunder by coming out. -_-; And it is NOT an option at this stage.
***
Life, in general has finally settled I think. Disturbances and chaos has almost constantly kept shit in the air like one hurricane after another but after exchanging "I love you's" and drawing our boundaries, I do believe I'm on the way to focusing all my energies on my needs and wants instead of constantly out to satisfy other people which, I do admit, is an insane weakness of mine.
Always out to make sure that other people are happy, telling myself that when others are happy, I will be happy, doesn't work 100% of the time. More often than not, as others are satisfied, they're on their way and I'm left hanging. I can't blame anybody... it's human nature. Heck, even I do it sometimes.
Perhaps there is an actual underlying reason why I opted to slave myself for others... that it was the only way I could get 'attention', the idea that being used or abused is still a form of it and I was willing to do anything as long I got that kick. It's pretty low though... very desperate.
But now I don't see myself scraping the bottom of the barrel anymore. I know that people can knock on my door but I will always be the one who can open it and let them in. And there is absolutely NO obligation for me to let them ALL in. I have to watch out for myself most importantly.
I normally refer to changes as my 'rebirths' but this time, it's not. There was no death nor destruction but instead I feel like a dove being set free. Instead of the fire that burns, there is nothing but the air around me. There is peace. There is quiet. There is me.
I guess I have to also be emotionally prepared for the onslaught of "when's your turn?" all over again. At 27, there is very little in terms of excuses I can come up with without having to steal my cousin's thunder by coming out. -_-; And it is NOT an option at this stage.
***
Life, in general has finally settled I think. Disturbances and chaos has almost constantly kept shit in the air like one hurricane after another but after exchanging "I love you's" and drawing our boundaries, I do believe I'm on the way to focusing all my energies on my needs and wants instead of constantly out to satisfy other people which, I do admit, is an insane weakness of mine.
Always out to make sure that other people are happy, telling myself that when others are happy, I will be happy, doesn't work 100% of the time. More often than not, as others are satisfied, they're on their way and I'm left hanging. I can't blame anybody... it's human nature. Heck, even I do it sometimes.
Perhaps there is an actual underlying reason why I opted to slave myself for others... that it was the only way I could get 'attention', the idea that being used or abused is still a form of it and I was willing to do anything as long I got that kick. It's pretty low though... very desperate.
But now I don't see myself scraping the bottom of the barrel anymore. I know that people can knock on my door but I will always be the one who can open it and let them in. And there is absolutely NO obligation for me to let them ALL in. I have to watch out for myself most importantly.
I normally refer to changes as my 'rebirths' but this time, it's not. There was no death nor destruction but instead I feel like a dove being set free. Instead of the fire that burns, there is nothing but the air around me. There is peace. There is quiet. There is me.