losing a friend
A friend of mine emailed me yesterday... it was a hard message for me to read. In part, the email said:
"I don't think Strange is a bad person. I know that you have been very busy with work and settling in to your new place. But the bad feeling I have persists. So I analyze myself (here's the part you might get mad about): I know that you have a need to be taken care of. I know that you enjoy being "possessed" by your Master. I know that you enjoy most of the pain. What I don't understand is how you can pledge love to a man that by his action (and his own statement to me) does not love you. I've been reading some of the dominant/submissive writings. A person prone to this desires to be loved by the one they dominate, but never can they love the submissive because they do not respect them. That's the part that turns my stomach. You will be taken care of, and nurtured, at least on the surface, but he cannot love you, because he does not see you as lovable. He may do things to please you, but if it doesn't please him first it will not be done."
Now bear in mind that (a) this woman has known me for 16 years, (b) I've never gone anywhere NEAR trying to force exposure to my D/s tendancies on her, (c) up till now she's been very "live and let live" about everything but this, and most importantly... (d) we have talked and talked and talked about it. Every time she asks me questions or tries to understand if not accept, I have tried in every way I could to reassure her that though this isn't something SHE wants for herself, for ME it is very right and a GOOD THING.
Yesterday's email was not really about my relationship with him. She felt neglected by me. She wanted to paint herself the noble long suffering dear friend that I badly mistreat, in a blatant effort to guilt-trip me into paying more attention to her. I don't respond well to such games.
Among other things that the email went on to say, she also mentioned that she and another long-standing horribly vanilla friend of ours wanted to plan an intervention for me, that she understood I'm only with him for financial reasons, etc... *sigh*
"There is something about you that helps me see what is wonderful about me, especially when we are together. My love for you is not sexual or romantic, but entirely of spirit. I do not seek to control you or dominate you. I do not want to live your life for you. I do not want to force my presence on you. I don't want to compare myself to you in any way. I want to listen to you, heal you and talk to you. "
I don't know where to start on this bit. I help her see what is wonderful about herself by being the only damned person in the world who doesn't set her straight when she starts gushing about how perfect she is. She doesn't want to live my life for me, she only wants to MAKE me realize that it is sick and wrong to be submissive. She doesn't want to force her presence on me, she only wants to rant at me if I am not giving her enough attention. (and believe me, this did turn into a rant.)
The most beautiful sentiments expressed were about how she feels so much closer to me than she even felt to Dana. She and I have had a standing agreement for more than 6 years that we would not discuss Dana ever for any reason. I know she values her memories of Dana and I don't want to mess with that. I was friends with Dana - best friends - for years. She was friends with Dana for two months when she was dying and trying hard to undo all the Karmic damage she had wreaked. I'm sure in that two months that Dana was a beautiful person to know. Before that, she was... not. And to compare/contrast her friendship with Dana to her friendship with me is repulsive. I am genuinely repulsed. I told her so.
I also told her that she didn't have her facts straight about bdsm in general or my relationship in particular. And though I appreciate her concern, I told her to straighten out her own life before she tried to fix mine. (I'm "nicing" this up a lot, I was pissed.)
Her response was to post a public journal entry bashing me for being a shit and for using her. I commented on her public journal entry that I never "used" her, and in fact was there for her plenty of times - to include covering for her whorish ass when she came to stay with me in OKC leaving her hubby at home.
Sadly, I'm not quite as shitty as I'd like to be. I deleted the post and emailed it to her in private instead (she's gotten in trouble for "infidelity" before by her husband reading her live journal).
So... end of friendship, according to her. I am to repay her the money she loaned me long ago (she really bailed me out of a bad situation), and never have anything to do with her ever again.
I'm sad about that, and even more so that she chose to use my D/s relationship as her excuse for it. Bleh.