Cue the Angst
I can't stand this summer. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions that are unpleasant, nonsensical, and unstable. I have been happy but it never lasts, and then I spiral down into this depression that fades away a little bit, so I never write about it. I can't stand this anymore. Excepting atashinotenshi, I can't stand my friends and it's pathetic that
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I know what I'm about to say is pathetic or irrelevant to your post, but this is all I can think of at the moment since I just woke up: The only person who can make you feel happy or sad or hyper or wonderful or suicidal is you. I learned that the hard way.
I have to make myself feel happy or content with the things I've got in my life, even though I would prefer a lot more at the moment: a boyfriend, moving out, getting a great job that pays riducuously huge amounts of money, plus other little stupid things.
But right now I know I can't have it, not yet, because I have to work to get there. And sometimes working to get there can get tough, depressing, frustrating, even make me feel suicidal because sometimes I feel I can't make it. That there are things in my way that make it feel impossible. But if I truly wanted to stop, give up, then I'd take the easy way out.
But, honestly, deep deep inside I don't want that, not yet. I want to reach my goals first as much as I can until the only person who'll stop me is me. And in order to keep going, I have to continue to be happy, to be content with the things I have, whether I truly am happy or not. Even pretending to be happy works for me, convincing that powerful mind to be happy can work, even though sometimes things can go wrong and everything feels impossible and hopeless.
So... yeah. That's the best I can think of, but it's my little secret of how to survive emotionally. Sorry it's probably not what you wanted at all, as I'm just trying to help. *hugs* Please don't fade away.
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