forgotten thoughts of yesterdays (through my eyes i see the past)

Jan 30, 2008 15:07


Ha...how fitting.
I walked back from Christina's house today with my eyes upward. I was making a list of ten reasons not to be pissed off that I was going o have to do the dishes when I got home even though Revis never does shit, so I was ticking stuff off on the list and one of them was that the sky looked so trippy beautiful today even though Brittani took the camera so I couldn't shoot it.

And then I got home and found Lyle here, only....it doesn't look like he's quite as happy today and exactly what specifically happened (the memory) I'm not sure I understand entirely but something tells me it's another one of those things that set my teeth just a little on edge and my fists to clench imperceptibly so that I'm visibly pissed but not feral just yet...
....i swear, it's like everybody and their mother just collectively decided "hmm let's all dump shit on this guy!"

what the FUCK is all that thumping in the hall.

yeah, well... since I'm not going to school tomorrow I can probably stay with him today outside of washing my hair, so...

there was a boy unconscious on the floor of the front commons with paramedics and a military fuck all crowded around him and the firetruck and an ambulance outside.
It was surreal because 
A) Normally when drama erupts I heard of it later. I'm never actually there to see anything and I actually saw the guy splayed out on the floor and everything.
B) No one knew anything about him- not who he was, where he'd come from, why he was unconscious (and unresponsive, completely so), if he had allergies or asthma, what his name was- nothing. On the way out we heard Jason asking a girl if he was a Nobody.
But the guy had on our school uniform, had a booksack and everything and he was just...out. On the floor.
and I just though about several things: dead people at our school, Brandon, ambulances, things. And then I just thought of how weird but completely expected it is that no one knew the guy at all or anything. Because if there's one thing I learned early on about high school it's that you're either a star or you're dust, and dust gets blown away.
I got blown away ages ago. Except I guess something must've gotten wet and I got stuck to it because I haven't apparently blown away altogether. But it looks like that guy did and now he's unconscious.
What do you see when you're unconscious? What do you hear, and feel and think? are you just totally and completely blank, only a pulse and a brain wave and nothing else? Do you drift in a netherworld or retreat to someplace deep inside your head?

was I unconscious when I had those trips with the Benadryl and the Gravol?

Is that what unconsciousness is, a really really deep sleep?

*Keep in mind, I'm not asking these questions literally....I'm being more...theoretical, I guess you could call it.

Why is it that when I wonder about things I always question the feeling and thoughts of the persons involved instead of the science of it? 
(most of the time I already know about the science of it but I mean...yeah.)
is that part of what that test thing was talking about, the INFJ thing, that my brain works more with thoughts and feelings than with....other shit?

I mean even with questions I've hesitantly raised to my mom about sex- it's always "what did you feel? what were you thinking?" and of course my mom refuses to answer these things.
so I stopped asking....

man. I would give anything for SOMEone to explain that to me. What the fuck do you think/feel during sex? Is it something mindless and gratifying or are you thinking "omg I love/hate this person" or...? what? What is it?

what do people think about when they're being raped?
what do rapists think of?

what do they feel?
what do people having sex feel?

(I MEAN EMOTIONALLY.)

jesus
too many unanswerable questions. I'm off subject. I should close this shit now.

sex, memories, questions, lyle

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