someday i swear i'll prove I was worth your time.
Jesus Christ.
So yeah, I've been locked out of this room for more than a week now.
I'm only on today because my mom and Revis went to his mother's house for a while. I'm taking the opportunity to write in here since I can't otherwise.
so
things:
I'm eating solid foods again, lot of spinal pain but other than that I'm fine.
I got a WWII movie at Wal-Mart for a dollar. WWII on the German Front. It has a picture of Hitler, Mussolini and HIrohito on its cover and I pulled it off the rack and said "Mom you got a dollar?" and she said "Yeah." so I said "Here."
and she bought it and I was happy.
I haven't watched it yet though because Idon't know if my PS2 will play it; it's been being bitchy about playing a lot of DVDs lately.
hm. in other news
I believe I wrote in here about how I sucked out my demon and stuck her to a sheet of paper? and mailed her to Lyle?
yeah. I did.
I wonder what he'll do with her.....if anything.
some other things:
*my mom and her sisters are fighting again (no surprise there)
*my mom is being really childish about my little sister and she doesn't seem to realize a) how stupid it is and b) how much she's hurting my sister (oh lord, me caring whether my sister is hurt???? armageddon.)
*I still can't decide if I hate Revis or not because when I hear him fucking my mom or when he tells me shit like how I'm not cutting my own hair even though I've planned it for years and it's my hair and several other reasons I could think of I hate his guts but then I decide again that I'm being selfish and it's my mom's life anyway so I might as well act like we're cool so she won't worry
*I'm cold
*I had one of those moments...
*I'm tired of people who don't ever respond when I IM them and so I'm considering taking them off my list thing because obviously whether it's their fault or not, they haven't got time to respond to me so what's the point in cluttering my list?
*Got a new DA, did I mention that before?
*The Tool concert Zak and I were at is up on their website now. Excellent.
*we got food stamps
*My mom had to go to the hospital and her blood pressure was 164/101 but dropped to 142/99 and I brought her Uki and her fur blanket and her Rumi book but after a while I started to realize I really didn't need to be there. Revis did everything I used to do for her and then some and they had one of those moments where she whimpered "don't leave me" and Revis held her hand and siad "i'm not going anywhere." just like on TV and they kissed and I sat there and I started to cry because of a lot of stupid things like this:
1. "I wish someone would say that to me"
2. "I'm here too...."
3. "She used to depend on me for that"
4." She never let me hold her hand like that"
I mean really, how childishly jealous could I get? Every time I try to think I've matured I have a moment like that. Crying over something that stupid.
I'm so fucking juvenile.
and then last night I was with Mark and Christina.
and they were kissing in the front seat and then and then
they were like "let's go have sex in the grass" and I said "Bye!" and Christina said "you're not coming?" so I made a joke of it : "why would I want to come watch you come?"
so they went out there and I lay in the car listening to Autolux and then I heard laughter and they came back:
"okay get out of the car we're coming in here."
"Why?"
"it's too cold out there."
so I had to get out of the car and walk across the park to sit on a bench listening to nighttime noise while they had sex in the backseat and I just sat there and I had yet another jealousy pity party: "what is the matter with me that I always end up in situations like this?" "Why doesn't anybody want me?"
and blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch.
christ.
so i pretended someone was sitting there on the bench with me.
and i had momentary "what if someone just comes up and rapes me right now/kidnaps me/eats me/kills me" kind of tiny fears and then I remembered i was in a park and I thought "oh, that's right. i'm safe."
then when they finished christina was screaming for me because I'd gone far away from them so I wouldn't hear their sounds, and i didn't answer the first few times they called me and then i walked back and she asked where i went and i said "out" and the car windows were very steamed up and the whole ride home i just stared at the steam. and the backseat was warm. and i just stared and stared at the steam.
and i realized something that was kind of funny and very TV-show teenager bitchingness: "everyone I know is part of a couple except me. oh, woe is me, what a travesty, the world's going to end because i'm not fucking someone in a backseat!"
and i was like "okay, shut up, juvenile child" to myself, and when i went home the kitchen was filthy and my mom and revis were quiet so i did the laundry and crawled into bed and slept and i dreamed....i dreamed someone was jacking me off.
and i remember at some point i must've woken up and just like every other time i dream that, my hips were still thrusting into the bed.
do you know how weird it is
to wake up with weak legs and thrusting hips and not understand for a minute what the hell is going on?
and then
to realize you're not actually fucking anybody? and want to laugh at yourself and then wonder why the fuck you keep dreaming that dream since you haven't even got a cock?
seriously
what the fuck.
i can say, of course
it felt very
very
very good
until i woke up all the way and realized how bizarre it was for me to be...thrusting my hips against my sheets.
lol.
So yeah
I'm very cold and I'm worried about Lyle and annoyed at Caleb or at whatever it is that Caleb has for a reason as to why it is that when I IM him, either he never responds at all or there are 10-30 minute intervals between his responses.
Butbut I'm going to apply to LSU so if I get in there and everything goes okay and I don't have any better choices I'll go to college there and spend all my time downtown watching the boy who rides his bike taking pictures and watching the river and the wind and the barges, and taking pictures of the river and the wind and the barges and the pubs and people everywhere, and maybe one day I'll even be driving, and be able to take someone downtown to visit. Lyle, maybe, because he's been so down lately that I really would like to be able to take him and show him something that is good, something that doesn't have a bad side or a catch to it. something he can hold in his hands and his heart that won't jab him in the middle of the night and make him bleed.
and caleb you can't really get snippy about the fact that I didn't say anything like that about you because what I'm getting from you right now is you either CAN'T or don't WANT to talk to me, so. yeah i know you probably have homework or whatever your parents are doing, but if that's the case may i ask why you bother to sign into MSN/AIM if you can't talk?????
i mean really.
that's like having towels on a rack for DECORATION: stupid. very, very stupid, in thes ense that it's useless.
wtf. things that are meant to be used should not be used as decoration: towels and soap and furniture and vases. what hte fuck is the point of that.
now using a car engine or something like that as decoration yeah. but only if you let it be versatile, i.e yelling at someone for wiping their hands ona towel becuase it's supposed to be decoration? STUPID.
okay enough.
I love you guys bye.
So yeah, I've been locked out of this room for more than a week now.
I'm only on today because my mom and Revis went to his mother's house for a while. I'm taking the opportunity to write in here since I can't otherwise.
so
things:
I'm eating solid foods again, lot of spinal pain but other than that I'm fine.
I got a WWII movie at Wal-Mart for a dollar. WWII on the German Front. It has a picture of Hitler, Mussolini and HIrohito on its cover and I pulled it off the rack and said "Mom you got a dollar?" and she said "Yeah." so I said "Here."
and she bought it and I was happy.
I haven't watched it yet though because Idon't know if my PS2 will play it; it's been being bitchy about playing a lot of DVDs lately.
hm. in other news
I believe I wrote in here about how I sucked out my demon and stuck her to a sheet of paper? and mailed her to Lyle?
yeah. I did.
I wonder what he'll do with her.....if anything.
some other things:
*my mom and her sisters are fighting again (no surprise there)
*my mom is being really childish about my little sister and she doesn't seem to realize a) how stupid it is and b) how much she's hurting my sister (oh lord, me caring whether my sister is hurt???? armageddon.)
*I still can't decide if I hate Revis or not because when I hear him fucking my mom or when he tells me shit like how I'm not cutting my own hair even though I've planned it for years and it's my hair and several other reasons I could think of I hate his guts but then I decide again that I'm being selfish and it's my mom's life anyway so I might as well act like we're cool so she won't worry
*I'm cold
*I had one of those moments...
*I'm tired of people who don't ever respond when I IM them and so I'm considering taking them off my list thing because obviously whether it's their fault or not, they haven't got time to respond to me so what's the point in cluttering my list?
*Got a new DA, did I mention that before?
*The Tool concert Zak and I were at is up on their website now. Excellent.
*we got food stamps
*My mom had to go to the hospital and her blood pressure was 164/101 but dropped to 142/99 and I brought her Uki and her fur blanket and her Rumi book but after a while I started to realize I really didn't need to be there. Revis did everything I used to do for her and then some and they had one of those moments where she whimpered "don't leave me" and Revis held her hand and siad "i'm not going anywhere." just like on TV and they kissed and I sat there and I started to cry because of a lot of stupid things like this:
1. "I wish someone would say that to me"
2. "I'm here too...."
3. "She used to depend on me for that"
4." She never let me hold her hand like that"
I mean really, how childishly jealous could I get? Every time I try to think I've matured I have a moment like that. Crying over something that stupid.
I'm so fucking juvenile.
and then last night I was with Mark and Christina.
and they were kissing in the front seat and then and then
they were like "let's go have sex in the grass" and I said "Bye!" and Christina said "you're not coming?" so I made a joke of it : "why would I want to come watch you come?"
so they went out there and I lay in the car listening to Autolux and then I heard laughter and they came back:
"okay get out of the car we're coming in here."
"Why?"
"it's too cold out there."
so I had to get out of the car and walk across the park to sit on a bench listening to nighttime noise while they had sex in the backseat and I just sat there and I had yet another jealousy pity party: "what is the matter with me that I always end up in situations like this?" "Why doesn't anybody want me?"
and blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch.
christ.
so i pretended someone was sitting there on the bench with me.
and i had momentary "what if someone just comes up and rapes me right now/kidnaps me/eats me/kills me" kind of tiny fears and then I remembered i was in a park and I thought "oh, that's right. i'm safe."
then when they finished christina was screaming for me because I'd gone far away from them so I wouldn't hear their sounds, and i didn't answer the first few times they called me and then i walked back and she asked where i went and i said "out" and the car windows were very steamed up and the whole ride home i just stared at the steam. and the backseat was warm. and i just stared and stared at the steam.
and i realized something that was kind of funny and very TV-show teenager bitchingness: "everyone I know is part of a couple except me. oh, woe is me, what a travesty, the world's going to end because i'm not fucking someone in a backseat!"
and i was like "okay, shut up, juvenile child" to myself, and when i went home the kitchen was filthy and my mom and revis were quiet so i did the laundry and crawled into bed and slept and i dreamed....i dreamed someone was jacking me off.
and i remember at some point i must've woken up and just like every other time i dream that, my hips were still thrusting into the bed.
do you know how weird it is
to wake up with weak legs and thrusting hips and not understand for a minute what the hell is going on?
and then
to realize you're not actually fucking anybody? and want to laugh at yourself and then wonder why the fuck you keep dreaming that dream since you haven't even got a cock?
seriously
what the fuck.
i can say, of course
it felt very
very
very good
until i woke up all the way and realized how bizarre it was for me to be...thrusting my hips against my sheets.
lol.
So yeah
I'm very cold and I'm worried about Lyle and annoyed at Caleb or at whatever it is that Caleb has for a reason as to why it is that when I IM him, either he never responds at all or there are 10-30 minute intervals between his responses.
Butbut I'm going to apply to LSU so if I get in there and everything goes okay and I don't have any better choices I'll go to college there and spend all my time downtown watching the boy who rides his bike taking pictures and watching the river and the wind and the barges, and taking pictures of the river and the wind and the barges and the pubs and people everywhere, and maybe one day I'll even be driving, and be able to take someone downtown to visit. Lyle, maybe, because he's been so down lately that I really would like to be able to take him and show him something that is good, something that doesn't have a bad side or a catch to it. something he can hold in his hands and his heart that won't jab him in the middle of the night and make him bleed.
and caleb you can't really get snippy about the fact that I didn't say anything like that about you because what I'm getting from you right now is you either CAN'T or don't WANT to talk to me, so. yeah i know you probably have homework or whatever your parents are doing, but if that's the case may i ask why you bother to sign into MSN/AIM if you can't talk?????
i mean really.
that's like having towels on a rack for DECORATION: stupid. very, very stupid, in thes ense that it's useless.
wtf. things that are meant to be used should not be used as decoration: towels and soap and furniture and vases. what hte fuck is the point of that.
now using a car engine or something like that as decoration yeah. but only if you let it be versatile, i.e yelling at someone for wiping their hands ona towel becuase it's supposed to be decoration? STUPID.
okay enough.
I love you guys bye.