changes
A lot of my family members have commented on one particular feature of my personality that they admire and sort of worry about: I adpapt quickly and well to drastic changes. Moving in the middle of the night across the entirety of New England to Louisiana? Fine. Changing schools three times in a single year? Got over it. Family members murdered in our driveway, friends dying in car crashes? Didn't bat a lash.
There's a reason for that.
I can adapt to giant changes because I have no choice. So I don't bother fighting.
It's little changes that piss me off and fuck up my equilibrium.
Case in point: This morning, for instance.
Saturdays are the days I lock myself in my mom's room and stay on the computer until Christina and Mark come. I IM, email, research, etc. and so on. My mom goes to work at about five, I sleep in her room. This is the way most weekends worked until I started going out with Mark and Christina, which didn't do anything to my routine because of course, I adapted there too (Christina never gives you much of a choice if she wants to see you. You go when she wants or you don't see her for weeks. That's how it is.)
However. This morning I woke at 8h30, having decided the night before to wake up early so I could get a head start on my chores, wash my hair, clean my room some and get the kitchen straight. Then, I figured, I'd go in my mom's room.
Wrong again.
I went to my mom's room to give her her laundry, and what should I find when I opened the door (my mom was in the bathroom so I didn't feel a reason to knock on her door, no one else should be in there right?) but Revis, awake in her bed with the blanket pulled up to his chest like some Victorian princess caught undressing?
Welllll. Good morning to you too, bitch.
Me being the passive aggressive little dick that I am, I just ignored him and shut the door.
I had to go back in the room to put my mom's socks in her drawer, and this time he did talk to me but I told him I couldn't talk to him until he put clothes on and left the room again.
Yeah, that's right. I'm being a bitch, but what does it matter? They all come and go; there's really no point anymore in getting to know or like my mother's lovers/boyfriends/whatever they are, because all that ever happens is they get further into it, he starts coming around all the damned time, they kiss and they shmooze and all that lovey shit, and then bam. One starts to annoy the other, one gets tired of the other. Next thing you know they're arguing occasionally, my mom is talking to me about this thing or that thing that he's done, or on the flip side- like she just told me about Revis- he's asked her to marry him.
I'm so sick of this shit. And people wonder why I said I'm never going to get married? Why should I, when it can only end up the way my family's marriages have all ended- in bitter animosity and petty jealous comments every time their ex's new significant other is mentioned, especially with my mom? I remember how she reacted when she found out my stepdad was dating a white woman. Good god, she was pissed. He didn't leave her for just anybody. To her, the fact that he left her and dated a white woman was just too much to take. And so it was snide comments and eye-rolling and that unctious kind of politeness when they came in contact, and she'd get so pissed at me when PJ offered to take me somewhere or buy me something because my mom didn't have the time or the money or didn't want to or whatever the case was. According to her PJ just wants his money, she uses their son to keep him around, etc. so on.
Whatever, mom.
And of course there I am feeling guilty as shit because I like PJ and she doesn't, which means it's like I've stepped into enemy territory and-whoops- found a home there.
Anyway.
So now she's mad because she read over my shoulder and saw that I mentioned her and Revis, which according to her means I'm pissed off about something because I wouldn't write about her otherwise. I told her that A) she was reading my private journal and B) Of course I was writing about her, I write about whatever's on my mind at the moment and that's what's on my mind.
And then I told her I don't feel any need to care about Revis's presence since it won't be here long (and of course any psychologist could guess I'll be pretty goddamned pissed if it does since that means a kind of change I really don't fucking want when so much else in our lives is fucked already...okay my life. Which is selfish....but I'm a teenager and apparently teenagers are selfish fucks anyway, I'd really like to be generous but I can't because her relationship life has already FUCKED ME OVER. So why would I want permanent fuckover?) since all that'll happen is either he'll get tired of her sisters, she'll get tired of him, or he'll propose and she'll shy away and find some other reason to say no. I'm beginning to think she uses me as a shield to keep from saying yes to a proposal: "I have to say no, if my children don't want it I won't do it and I know Epiphani hates you."
Okay yeah mom, I generally do hate them all, but I'm going to be in college in like, a year, so why would you fuck up your chances at love over me? My opinion in your love life really doesn't count since A)I'm just a child, remember? and B) It's not like I'll see him or you very much after May anyway. If I don't like him I can very easily leave. And you can be chill with your new husband, and eventually I'll mature enough to realize it's not about me, it's about your happiness, and if he makes you happy (if anybody really can) then I should be fine with it.
Which I kind of already do know, I just wish she realized that I'm predisposed to hate her boyfriends and just ignore me and my snippiness. I will never like any of them, because all they are is a waste of time I could be either spending alone in her room or with her. They're not potential stepfathers because they don't last, they're not potential friends because I'm just a child to most of them, so they're no use to me. They're useful to my sister since she's searching for a real dad in every man my mother dates (hello, she's been fucked over by my mom's love life as well, poor kid, she wants a dad so badly and her real one definitely isn't shit as a father. Just as a financial supplier once in a while.), but I don't want a dad, and regardless of what psychology and my attitude may dictate, I don't need one either. Neither of the ones I've had were worth the time it took to form a relationship with them.
Okay, next thing that fucked my routine up: My mother really isn't going to work weekends anymore. This means: rarely being able to talk to Lyle, rarely being alone, having to see Revis every fucking day which also means I'll never be able to come in her room anymore because they'll need private time....
On the upside she might get more rest. Maybe. If she actually tries to.
Oh. Did I mention she has a heart murmur? Level 6, whatever that means. I'm going to look it up.
God, right now I feel like I could cut a close 100th on the list of top 100 most fucked up lives to date.
Of course, that's not even close to true, but you have to admit- I am pretty frustrated.
Right, well. Caleb, hurry up and stop being grounded.
Lyle, I hope you had a great time at Sam's and that you got to form more nice family ties and things (and that you don't have to regret them later....), and that K doesn't do anything to make you blush too much.....XD K the superbrother.
I love you.
[and people, no. I don't hate my mother. Please don't hate her either. Just be mad at her, like I seem to be 55% of the time when I'm not feeling guilty for being mad at her.]
oh...and to every one of the thousand million people I've ever hurt: Do you understand now why I have such a twisted view both of love and family?
I should hope so.