why are you looking grave?
i feel like i'm starting to become something altogether unlikeable even on base levels.
i want to withdraw completely from everything around me until i'm somebody that other people can like again.
if i ever was.
i don't know.
too many negative labels are being stuck to the velcro walls of my brain: closeminded, self-centered, things like that. things that up until the past two years had never really applied to me. i have to wonder why it is that these things are suddenly becoming so prominent-- is it because i somehow changed drastically in 2007 and am rapidly deteriorating in character or something?
i don't know.
i'm losing interest in things i loved and nothing is coming to take their places; photography is a fleeting thought if it comes at all right now and writing has been for a year and a half now something i simply scoff at unless it's more mindless emo ramblings.
i can't figure out what's going on and it's getting nasty.
*i should note that the close-minded thing actually only just occurred and it was more that the guy was saying that what i had just said was close-minded, and when i really think about that it was more than likely because what i said (basically that unless a teacher could show me something he or she had written that blew me away, i wouldn't give any credence to any advice they gave me on how to write my own stuff) was not what i meant. i'm so bad at expressing myself that i'm not surprised it came off that way, as if i'm not aware that a person can be a great writer and not affect me positively (look at poe and dickinson for instance, i dislike both but they're great writers, right? and so was shakespeare but i don't like him either). I am.
I don't know. It's like the negative traits I possess, although they have always been there and always had a few good traits to balance them out, are suddenly intensifying to levels that no amount of good humor, patience or kindness in others can hope to excuse or forgive.
I'm becoming in some ways a person even I can't stand and I'm not sure how this started or how to stop it. It feels like I'm breaking apart and losing sight of anything and everything that should give me hope, that should instill in me the desire to be better at things. I'm currently awake at half-past one (granted, I am slightly happy to say I'm reading chapter seven in my biology textbook and I just finished my oceanography homework and a biology self-test on chapter six) because I actively plan to skip both classes this evening. To do what, I don't really know. I just decided not to go.
I know for sure I won't be skipping algebra Friday though, and if nothing else tomorrow I need to take my oceanography textbook with me wherever I go so I can catch up to chapter ten (I missed so much, six entire chapters if I'm not mistaken), take the practice test for algebra again (I FINALLY did the practice quiz and figured out that if I work through problems on the practice test, stop when I get something wrong and go work example problems similar to whatever I got wrong until I start to get it, it works) and...I don't know. Every time I start feeling like I've got a handle on something it turns out I don't (like the oceanography exam I came out of feeling like I must have gotten at least a C but got a D on in reality), so I can't say I feel any more confident about these tests than I did about the first ones, even though this time I started studying before I even knew what day the exams would be on.
I'm so worried. About my grades and about my life in general. I really don't know what the fuck is happening to me and I feel both frustrated with myself and with the rest of the world because neither they nor I can deal with me anymore.
Although there is Brian, and there's Sasha and Lyle and the other people that I talk to....I really need to stop discounting them.
it's the eighth....I have to make an appointment to see a counselor about my grades before the 15th. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I don't know. I have got to do SOMEthing about this shit.
I wonder if, if I promised myself that this would be the last week I allowed myself to skip class, I would stick to that.
also, why the fuck do I feel so averse to taking a bath/shower right now when I love taking baths/showers and I know damned well I won't sleep until I've done one or the other?
Why the fuck does nothing seem to matter to me lately?
i want to withdraw completely from everything around me until i'm somebody that other people can like again.
if i ever was.
i don't know.
too many negative labels are being stuck to the velcro walls of my brain: closeminded, self-centered, things like that. things that up until the past two years had never really applied to me. i have to wonder why it is that these things are suddenly becoming so prominent-- is it because i somehow changed drastically in 2007 and am rapidly deteriorating in character or something?
i don't know.
i'm losing interest in things i loved and nothing is coming to take their places; photography is a fleeting thought if it comes at all right now and writing has been for a year and a half now something i simply scoff at unless it's more mindless emo ramblings.
i can't figure out what's going on and it's getting nasty.
*i should note that the close-minded thing actually only just occurred and it was more that the guy was saying that what i had just said was close-minded, and when i really think about that it was more than likely because what i said (basically that unless a teacher could show me something he or she had written that blew me away, i wouldn't give any credence to any advice they gave me on how to write my own stuff) was not what i meant. i'm so bad at expressing myself that i'm not surprised it came off that way, as if i'm not aware that a person can be a great writer and not affect me positively (look at poe and dickinson for instance, i dislike both but they're great writers, right? and so was shakespeare but i don't like him either). I am.
I don't know. It's like the negative traits I possess, although they have always been there and always had a few good traits to balance them out, are suddenly intensifying to levels that no amount of good humor, patience or kindness in others can hope to excuse or forgive.
I'm becoming in some ways a person even I can't stand and I'm not sure how this started or how to stop it. It feels like I'm breaking apart and losing sight of anything and everything that should give me hope, that should instill in me the desire to be better at things. I'm currently awake at half-past one (granted, I am slightly happy to say I'm reading chapter seven in my biology textbook and I just finished my oceanography homework and a biology self-test on chapter six) because I actively plan to skip both classes this evening. To do what, I don't really know. I just decided not to go.
I know for sure I won't be skipping algebra Friday though, and if nothing else tomorrow I need to take my oceanography textbook with me wherever I go so I can catch up to chapter ten (I missed so much, six entire chapters if I'm not mistaken), take the practice test for algebra again (I FINALLY did the practice quiz and figured out that if I work through problems on the practice test, stop when I get something wrong and go work example problems similar to whatever I got wrong until I start to get it, it works) and...I don't know. Every time I start feeling like I've got a handle on something it turns out I don't (like the oceanography exam I came out of feeling like I must have gotten at least a C but got a D on in reality), so I can't say I feel any more confident about these tests than I did about the first ones, even though this time I started studying before I even knew what day the exams would be on.
I'm so worried. About my grades and about my life in general. I really don't know what the fuck is happening to me and I feel both frustrated with myself and with the rest of the world because neither they nor I can deal with me anymore.
Although there is Brian, and there's Sasha and Lyle and the other people that I talk to....I really need to stop discounting them.
it's the eighth....I have to make an appointment to see a counselor about my grades before the 15th. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I don't know. I have got to do SOMEthing about this shit.
I wonder if, if I promised myself that this would be the last week I allowed myself to skip class, I would stick to that.
also, why the fuck do I feel so averse to taking a bath/shower right now when I love taking baths/showers and I know damned well I won't sleep until I've done one or the other?
Why the fuck does nothing seem to matter to me lately?