feed me here [fill me up again]
last night i dropped slowly to my knees in the shower and pushed my head against the corner where the wall met the stall and i stayed that way under the water for a very long time with my arms clutched around myself and i prayed or dreamed or thought, something, wishing that i was somebody beautiful, wishing i didn't have breasts or a flabby stomach or fat thighs or flabby arms wishing i was small and slim and beautiful as all fucking hell and wishing somebody was there holding me tight so tight so very tight in their arms and didn't want to let me go and never would let me go because i deserved to be there and they wanted me there
i want to do it again
i wanted to see if i'd drown in there, if I would choke under the water and someone would come and lift me into their arms and give me the kiss of life or the kiss of death or any kiss at all, any touch, just someone touching my skin without revulsion
i want to run away
i want to run so fucking far away and never come back here, never look in a mirror at myself again, never ever again see how much of a failure i am or how disgusting and wrong my body is or how beautiful the girls around me are and the boys around me are never have to be scared of other people looking at me and being disgusted by me and my stupid fucking ways
i want to fucking run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and bury myself under white sheets and lay out of sight and never again have to be seen or laughed at or heard never have to disgust someone else with my presence, never disgrace or displace or burden someone else again with my existence
i wish i was high or drunk or unconscious and unaware of everything
i wish i was asleep
for weeks and weeks, i wish i could sleep
i just want to fucking get away from here
i want to get away from here
i want to go
away away away away away away away
i'm so tired of missing how sam loved me and wishing for things that i can't have, that i don't deserve to have, of knowing how fucking unworthy i am of even the bits of things that i do have
i hate myself every time i put a piece of food in my mouth, i hate how i weak i am for eating again and again when i'm already so fucking fat
i hate myself when i smile and know my teeth are showing and people are seeing how ugly and crooked they are
and how stupid my hair looks
and how my stomach wiggles and some of my jeans pull across my thighs and i just
god sgdthfg
i jfsgdbfgn
i just fucking
want
to run the fuck away.
somewhere in my chest i keep screaming and screaming and screaming just like when i cried for jason i could feel it coming up and always i can feel it there burning so strong inside my chest that i can't fucking breathe for all the strength it takes to bury it but god i want to scream i want to open my mouth wide and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream.
i want to do it again
i wanted to see if i'd drown in there, if I would choke under the water and someone would come and lift me into their arms and give me the kiss of life or the kiss of death or any kiss at all, any touch, just someone touching my skin without revulsion
i want to run away
i want to run so fucking far away and never come back here, never look in a mirror at myself again, never ever again see how much of a failure i am or how disgusting and wrong my body is or how beautiful the girls around me are and the boys around me are never have to be scared of other people looking at me and being disgusted by me and my stupid fucking ways
i want to fucking run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and bury myself under white sheets and lay out of sight and never again have to be seen or laughed at or heard never have to disgust someone else with my presence, never disgrace or displace or burden someone else again with my existence
i wish i was high or drunk or unconscious and unaware of everything
i wish i was asleep
for weeks and weeks, i wish i could sleep
i just want to fucking get away from here
i want to get away from here
i want to go
away away away away away away away
i'm so tired of missing how sam loved me and wishing for things that i can't have, that i don't deserve to have, of knowing how fucking unworthy i am of even the bits of things that i do have
i hate myself every time i put a piece of food in my mouth, i hate how i weak i am for eating again and again when i'm already so fucking fat
i hate myself when i smile and know my teeth are showing and people are seeing how ugly and crooked they are
and how stupid my hair looks
and how my stomach wiggles and some of my jeans pull across my thighs and i just
god sgdthfg
i jfsgdbfgn
i just fucking
want
to run the fuck away.
somewhere in my chest i keep screaming and screaming and screaming just like when i cried for jason i could feel it coming up and always i can feel it there burning so strong inside my chest that i can't fucking breathe for all the strength it takes to bury it but god i want to scream i want to open my mouth wide and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream.