here comes everybody.
after months of thinking about it and then suppressing it and then completely forgetting about it, Alex and i somehow stumbled onto the subject of This Past Summer. I feel the need to allot capital letters to it because in a way I guess it was slightly pivotal; it was a first for me in some ways and it was one of many in others.
I don't know.
Talking about it even the bit that we did made me feel like...I hate this fucking word, but I felt vulnerable. (<--- I hate that fucking word. Women use it too much and men fear it too much and I don't really know what us in-between-gender types do with it but I bet it's no better.)
I feel like I was peeling back skin and giving him a peek of something under there and I don't know if I can. I struggled as it was when I was with around him not to make him think of me as vulnerable or stupid or feminine or childish, and now that that went to shit I'm not sure what I want him to think of me or what I think of him or if I even want him to know what he did or what I did or any of it.
A part of me says this is good, that he needs to know because I still want to know....I still want to know the whys of it, the whats and the whens. I want what happened last May to make some kind of sense.
But at the same time if I let him know how much he meant/means/meant/I don't know..
Jesus, I don't fucking know. I don't think there's ever been anyone I was as confused about as him. Except Ashe. LOL. Go figure.
I don't know.
Talking about it even the bit that we did made me feel like...I hate this fucking word, but I felt vulnerable. (<--- I hate that fucking word. Women use it too much and men fear it too much and I don't really know what us in-between-gender types do with it but I bet it's no better.)
I feel like I was peeling back skin and giving him a peek of something under there and I don't know if I can. I struggled as it was when I was with around him not to make him think of me as vulnerable or stupid or feminine or childish, and now that that went to shit I'm not sure what I want him to think of me or what I think of him or if I even want him to know what he did or what I did or any of it.
A part of me says this is good, that he needs to know because I still want to know....I still want to know the whys of it, the whats and the whens. I want what happened last May to make some kind of sense.
But at the same time if I let him know how much he meant/means/meant/I don't know..
Jesus, I don't fucking know. I don't think there's ever been anyone I was as confused about as him. Except Ashe. LOL. Go figure.