pick up the pace.
I make decisions and plans so often. I never stick to them. I chicken out, I tire out, I lose heart somewhere in the middle- sometimes before the middle even begins. Grades, lacrosse, friendships, relationships, novels, clubs- I come up with so many ideas and nothing ever happens because I never, ever follow through.
I came up with something last night, but I didn't bother developing or finalizing the idea in my head. I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to see how long I can maintain- see how long it takes for ticking off "one more day down" becomes second nature for me.
And this matters. This is something I have to do, something I have been doing one way or another every so often already. I tried it in high school. I forgot about it after that. I tried again last semester, but I gave up because I was too weak to follow through (like a lot of my poetry). This time, though, I'm just going to go. There are too many things to help me do it for it to not work- all I have to do is look around.
All I have to do is look down.
This is going to work.
It has to.
I can trade in my weaknesses for studying, if I try. If I feel weak, I can study instead of giving in.
That would definitely improve my chances of getting good grades on finals in two weeks.
School ends next Friday. Completely. Aside from final exams.
I have not started off college proving that I'm the perfectionist, anal-retentive, eager to please student that I used to be.
I do not want that to be the impression I leave this university with, assuming that I make it through the next three years without getting thrown out for my shit attendance and even shittier work ethic.
This. Must. Change.
And the other thing- the not-plan. That must begin. I don't like starting things on any day but Sunday, but this is an emergency. If I make it to Monday successful, I'll start tracking it.
Okay. Let's see if I can keep my fucking word for once. I've broken too many promises in the past three years now.
---
On another note: I'm beginning to realize that the problem I'm facing is that I feel like I am too young for Alexander. There isn't that great an age difference between us, but I don't feel like I'm even as mature as my fucking little sister, for god's sake, much less some college graduate with a knack for harsh brilliance from another fucking country that's known for being more intellectually and culturally sophisticated than the one I've lived in my whole life (other than jaunts to Canada). There's nothing I have to offer him whatsoever in any department that matters to me- intellectually, like I said, or culturally, or emotionally. (And if I have got to include it, I have nothing to offer him sexually, either.) I'm too inexperienced and immature to really do anything for or with him and it's more depressing (realizing yet again that I'm not mature or experienced)) than it is a matter of wanting to become more of anything. Thankfully. I keep wondering if he can tell; I know a lot of the time he tells me I'm infuriating, or that I act like a child (like when I angrily shout that I hate him, which pretty much everyone else in my life is accustomed to enough to know I mean it as "I'm mad at you" or "I'm jealous of you", but whatever).
Bleh. This is why I'm probably better off not having any form of relationship. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do or how the hell to do it, and unfortunately there's no Boy Scout manual with a chapter on How to Be a Competent Friend, Lover and/or Boyfriend.
Translation: I'm fucking stuck and there's no rope in sight.
I'd say fuck my life, but I don't mind it enough to hate it all.
I came up with something last night, but I didn't bother developing or finalizing the idea in my head. I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to see how long I can maintain- see how long it takes for ticking off "one more day down" becomes second nature for me.
And this matters. This is something I have to do, something I have been doing one way or another every so often already. I tried it in high school. I forgot about it after that. I tried again last semester, but I gave up because I was too weak to follow through (like a lot of my poetry). This time, though, I'm just going to go. There are too many things to help me do it for it to not work- all I have to do is look around.
All I have to do is look down.
This is going to work.
It has to.
I can trade in my weaknesses for studying, if I try. If I feel weak, I can study instead of giving in.
That would definitely improve my chances of getting good grades on finals in two weeks.
School ends next Friday. Completely. Aside from final exams.
I have not started off college proving that I'm the perfectionist, anal-retentive, eager to please student that I used to be.
I do not want that to be the impression I leave this university with, assuming that I make it through the next three years without getting thrown out for my shit attendance and even shittier work ethic.
This. Must. Change.
And the other thing- the not-plan. That must begin. I don't like starting things on any day but Sunday, but this is an emergency. If I make it to Monday successful, I'll start tracking it.
Okay. Let's see if I can keep my fucking word for once. I've broken too many promises in the past three years now.
---
On another note: I'm beginning to realize that the problem I'm facing is that I feel like I am too young for Alexander. There isn't that great an age difference between us, but I don't feel like I'm even as mature as my fucking little sister, for god's sake, much less some college graduate with a knack for harsh brilliance from another fucking country that's known for being more intellectually and culturally sophisticated than the one I've lived in my whole life (other than jaunts to Canada). There's nothing I have to offer him whatsoever in any department that matters to me- intellectually, like I said, or culturally, or emotionally. (And if I have got to include it, I have nothing to offer him sexually, either.) I'm too inexperienced and immature to really do anything for or with him and it's more depressing (realizing yet again that I'm not mature or experienced)) than it is a matter of wanting to become more of anything. Thankfully. I keep wondering if he can tell; I know a lot of the time he tells me I'm infuriating, or that I act like a child (like when I angrily shout that I hate him, which pretty much everyone else in my life is accustomed to enough to know I mean it as "I'm mad at you" or "I'm jealous of you", but whatever).
Bleh. This is why I'm probably better off not having any form of relationship. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do or how the hell to do it, and unfortunately there's no Boy Scout manual with a chapter on How to Be a Competent Friend, Lover and/or Boyfriend.
Translation: I'm fucking stuck and there's no rope in sight.
I'd say fuck my life, but I don't mind it enough to hate it all.