Rehab XLIII: she had some trouble with herself (but this time no one's there to help her)
"shut up. no one loves you."
ahahah
when you said that did it actually occur to you that i'd spend the next twenty minutes raging and then crying first because you said that and then because of what it led to me thinking about?
I wonder.
so yeah
i realized some things
things i should go on and accept
i'm never going to be beautiful like him or like anybody
nobody's breath is ever going to catch when they see me
and i will never be gorgeous or sexy
i'm never going to fit into any of the shit in the mall either.
i'll never be right
there will always be the thing between my legs. always. i'll always be curled up in my bed staring at it and wishing it away to no avail and that's just how it is
surgery won't fix it
money won't fix it
drugs won't fix it (although maybe someday if i have a weak moment.)
i will never rise above this ugly woman-child i am becoming and that's just how life goes
and there is never going to be anyone's fingertips on my skin but my own when i'm in the shower.
if i can barely stand to touch myself how could anyone else? i can't even look at myself. god.
to think i was about to let myself hope.
dream.
want.
how utterly stupid of me.
i should....shut up and swallow it because there will never come a day when i look in the mirror and like what i see and nobody else is ever going to either.
thank you daemon. you were a lot of help tonight and even though i'm crying now i'll be fine by tomorrow and fully thankful that you helped me realize how utterly stupid believing in myself as anything other than this....thing ....was.
my mom was right
i'll never be a boy no matter how much i want to
i'll just be a girl my whole life
an ugly, disgusting girl.
if i've accepted the fact, though,
why can't i stop crying?
ahahah
when you said that did it actually occur to you that i'd spend the next twenty minutes raging and then crying first because you said that and then because of what it led to me thinking about?
I wonder.
so yeah
i realized some things
things i should go on and accept
i'm never going to be beautiful like him or like anybody
nobody's breath is ever going to catch when they see me
and i will never be gorgeous or sexy
i'm never going to fit into any of the shit in the mall either.
i'll never be right
there will always be the thing between my legs. always. i'll always be curled up in my bed staring at it and wishing it away to no avail and that's just how it is
surgery won't fix it
money won't fix it
drugs won't fix it (although maybe someday if i have a weak moment.)
i will never rise above this ugly woman-child i am becoming and that's just how life goes
and there is never going to be anyone's fingertips on my skin but my own when i'm in the shower.
if i can barely stand to touch myself how could anyone else? i can't even look at myself. god.
to think i was about to let myself hope.
dream.
want.
how utterly stupid of me.
i should....shut up and swallow it because there will never come a day when i look in the mirror and like what i see and nobody else is ever going to either.
thank you daemon. you were a lot of help tonight and even though i'm crying now i'll be fine by tomorrow and fully thankful that you helped me realize how utterly stupid believing in myself as anything other than this....thing ....was.
my mom was right
i'll never be a boy no matter how much i want to
i'll just be a girl my whole life
an ugly, disgusting girl.
if i've accepted the fact, though,
why can't i stop crying?