[An Unfiltered Twilight Post] New Moon in 60 Seconds
NEW MOON IN 60 SECONDS
By Phoenix39 aka Jane
Summary: New Moon. If you’ve read it, you should know.
Warning: SPOILERS!!!
Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer.
*Bella turns eighteen*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Meh…
FRIENDS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Meh…
EDWARD: Happy birthday, Bella. I love you more than air.
BELLA: Stop being so sappy and bite me already!
*everyone is at Bella’s birthday party at the Cullen mansion*
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella
*Bella opens presents and cuts her finger*
BELLA: OWWWW! BLOOD!
*Jasper glomps Bella*
EDWARD: My human!
JASPER: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
EDWARD: It is not safe for me to be around you, Bella. I don’t love you and I never want to see your fugly face again.
BELLA: *wibble*
EDWARD: And you stink in bed!
BELLA: WAAAAAAAAAH!!!
*Several months go by and Bella is a zombie*
BELLA: Jacob, you’re the only one who keeps my sanity, but I don’t love you because I’m a very confusing female.
JACOB: I’m a werewolf!
BELLA: WTF?!
*Several hundred pages later*
*Bella jumps off a cliff*
BELLA: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*splash*
ALICE: You were supposed to be dead! Edward is going to kill himself!
BELLA: That bastard dumped me. What does he care if I live or die?
ALICE: Don’t ask me. I’m not the fucking mind reader of the family.
BELLA AND ALICE: To The Bat cave Italy!
*plane zooms across a map*
BELLA: EDWARD, DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EDWARD: Is this Heaven?
ARO: No, bitches! We be the Vampire Mafia. And we kill those who are not us.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: No!
ARO: We will let you go, but we will check on you in a few years. Enjoy your human, mofo.
EDWARD AND BELLA: ♥ ♥ ♥
EDWARD: Merry me!
BELLA: WTF?
To be continued with a love triangle, werewolf/vampire battles, a wedding, and interbreeding stretched along 1,000+ pages.
By Phoenix39 aka Jane
Summary: New Moon. If you’ve read it, you should know.
Warning: SPOILERS!!!
Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer.
*Bella turns eighteen*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Meh…
FRIENDS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Meh…
EDWARD: Happy birthday, Bella. I love you more than air.
BELLA: Stop being so sappy and bite me already!
*everyone is at Bella’s birthday party at the Cullen mansion*
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella
*Bella opens presents and cuts her finger*
BELLA: OWWWW! BLOOD!
*Jasper glomps Bella*
EDWARD: My human!
JASPER: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
EDWARD: It is not safe for me to be around you, Bella. I don’t love you and I never want to see your fugly face again.
BELLA: *wibble*
EDWARD: And you stink in bed!
BELLA: WAAAAAAAAAH!!!
*Several months go by and Bella is a zombie*
BELLA: Jacob, you’re the only one who keeps my sanity, but I don’t love you because I’m a very confusing female.
JACOB: I’m a werewolf!
BELLA: WTF?!
*Several hundred pages later*
*Bella jumps off a cliff*
BELLA: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*splash*
ALICE: You were supposed to be dead! Edward is going to kill himself!
BELLA: That bastard dumped me. What does he care if I live or die?
ALICE: Don’t ask me. I’m not the fucking mind reader of the family.
BELLA AND ALICE: To The Bat cave Italy!
*plane zooms across a map*
BELLA: EDWARD, DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EDWARD: Is this Heaven?
ARO: No, bitches! We be the Vampire Mafia. And we kill those who are not us.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: No!
ARO: We will let you go, but we will check on you in a few years. Enjoy your human, mofo.
EDWARD AND BELLA: ♥ ♥ ♥
EDWARD: Merry me!
BELLA: WTF?
To be continued with a love triangle, werewolf/vampire battles, a wedding, and interbreeding stretched along 1,000+ pages.