This post is all about me (for a change)
It's that time of year again where I start to ponder. This happens every year around my birthday. It began 11 years ago when I had an existential crisis and it hasn't stopped. The year it turned 30 I could feel it coming on for months before so I betook myself (and five month old M, at the time) to a different time zone for a week.
This year it's sort of different but only in that it's a different tune to the same song that's been playing in my head for the last few years, perhaps inspired by the impending arrival of my fertility.
For the last few years, all of my energy has been focused on one thing: having a baby. And now he's here, and he's warm and sweet and smells better than chocolate...but is this it? D is desperate for another baby, and at first it was all about having a girl (he's always wanted a girl) but now it's turning into an all-consuming need for more. There isn't a week that goes by where he doesn't talk about some tiny newborn he's seen somewhere, and any mention of the shop being closed really upsets him. The thing is, I don't really crave a baby the way I used to - I have my baby and my other boys and they're enough for me. The real questions are:
- How do I feel about having a baby only because D wants one?
- Could I handle another miscarriage?
Well, for starters.... I generally feel that people should, if they can, have the things that they want. And I'm glad that D came around on the whole baby thing because when M was one, he decided that he didn't want any more children (besides the ones we already had, of course). The fact is, the onus of having another baby largely falls on me. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding. And since we already have J, getting a job wouldn't be an option till J was at school (which is only in 3+ years, if we stay here in the UK). And considering we wouldn't be able to do anything about it till my periods started and I started getting real sleep again, unemployment wouldn't last terribly long. But it's obviously more than that, it's a lifetime commitment and I can't make one simply because D wants another baby. It has to come from both of us and I'm just not feeling it. At all. As in, I see other people's babies and I think they're gorgeous and sweet and all but I don't feel that pull. At all. And even if I did...there are the usual obstacles.
Which brings me to the next question. And the answer is no. Simply, no. I just can't put myself through it again. It's been on my mind so much for the last few weeks. One of my cousins has three little boys. Before that there were three miscarriages. They found out what was wrong (blood clotting issues), put her on some medication and she had the three boys. These boys were followed by two more miscarriages. I found out about one of them only because they had just announced that they were expecting their fourth. Two weeks later, she miscarried. About a week ago I found out she was expecting a baby very soon. This baby arrived today, a healthy baby girl. It seems that my cousin was so upset/worried/traumatized that she didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, nor did she agree to discuss it with friends or family. I'm sure she and her husband talked about it and maybe a close friend...or not, because even her sisters didn't know until she started showing and my aunt (who knew enough to ask the husband if her daughter was pregnant) quietly explained that my cousin didn't want to talk about it nor did she want other people to talk about it amongst themselves. The only reason my mother told me about this is because I saw that my cousin would have a baby this year and it threw her for a loop.
I'm trying to remember how I felt during my pregnancy with J - and the fact is, it's kind of a blur now (except for the end which still feels very recent). If I remember correctly, many people didn't actually know about the pregnancy till the third trimester, mostly because I just didn't want to have to explain anything if something went wrong. It was just easier to hide it. Most people I know from the neighborhood only realized I was pregnant when it got too warm for a heavy coat. It was just easier that way. This is where the part of me is that thinks that maybe, somehow, I'll change my mind. The fear. The constant running to the bathroom to check for bleeding. The panic if an hour or more passes without feeling the baby move. I don't know if I can put myself through that. And when the loss does come - well, I certainly can't do that again either. I was having such awful flashbacks last night that I just couldn't shake myself out of it. D and I had just gotten into bed and I couldn't even explain what I was feeling. Because there are no words. Just pictures. It's amazing how raw it still feels.
What doesn't help are the period-type pains I've been getting for the last few days and the spotting I had a few weeks ago. I can feel my period coming on but it's just taking so l-o-n-g to actually get going again. So much of my experience with J has been different to that of B and M. The pregnancy (fraught), the birth (vaginal) the breastfeeding experience (thrush early on) and everything so special because I assumed that I wouldn't have any more and just wanted to savor it. Even the onset of fertility, which happened with both B and M at 7 months old, hasn't quite happened to me yet - probably linked to the fact that I'm still feeding J twice during the night. Mostly, I just don' t want to spend years trying to have one more baby, experiencing more miscarriages and/or just giving up after a few miscarriages. If I stop now, then at least I'm ending on a high. Right?
I suppose I really need to let this one rest until I'm feeling less emotional.