Silly Fic.
So as I noted earlier in the school year, Princeton has, according to US News and World, been demoted to the #2 undergraduate college in the country. This is what I imagined taking place...disclaimers on the works of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the mottoes of Princeton University and Harvard University, Calvinism, and Shirley M. Tilghman, President of Princeton University.
Nothing objectionable. 717 words.
House entered Cuddy’s office in the way he was most often wont: Dramatically. His cane thumped upon the floor, clambering for her attention.
“Two!” he shouted in his most obnoxious, gleeful voice. “Two! Two! Two!”
“I heard you the first time,” she muttered, looking up from her work but not ceasing, her left hand still moving across the page.
“Harvard!” he cried this time. “Harvard! Harvard! Harvard!” Cuddy rolled her eyes.
“Look, if this is so-very important to you, go find Shirley and badger her. The hospital’s rank has held pretty steady, considering your fiasco with accreditation…switching amoxicillin for steroids…”
“We’re affiliated!” he sang. “Ah, what a blow to the Princeton community. To have been toppled, for the very first time since its inception, from our roost atop the rankings of US World and News Report…”
“…US News and World Report…”
“…to have lost to that cahhh-RAZY Puritan school up in Boston…”
“…Cambridge-and for your information, both schools have similar religious pasts that are rooted in Calvinism; the only difference is that Harvard was founded by English Puritans and Princeton by Scottish Presbyterians why am I telling you this…”
“…and suddenly we must weep, because the veritas of the situation is that their kick-ass financial aid has kicked our ass down to number two. Two! TWO! Even if God did go to Princeton.”
“House, that’s not what ‘Dei sub numine viget’ actually means…”
“So, Cuddy,” House said with another grin, “how does it feel to be Dean of Medicine at the teaching hospital for the number two university in the country? I mean, Harvard’s had the best medical school for years, but this-this-this has gotta hurt.” She rolled her eyes and put down her pen.
“It’s a mostly pointless publication that bases its rankings on findings that are mainly biased or irrelevant.”
“You’re bitter.”
“Am not.”
“Are so.”
“Go talk to Shirley if you really want to gloat. She might actually care.”
“You care,” said House, and the glee was gone from his voice. “It bothers you. That’s why you’re all dressed up.” She frowned and looked down at her charcoal skirt suit and the rather unbuttoned pale orange silk blouse she wore under it.
“Armani suit,” he said crisply, “and are those school colors I see?”
“It’s comfortable,” she protested, smoothing her skirt along her thighs in vague embarrassment. “Anyway, what does it matter if I’m dressed up? You’re always commenting that my attire is unsuitable for the workplace”-her voice was dry beyond belief now-“I didn’t think you’d have any complaints.”
“You dress like a tramp when you’re happy or ovulating. You dress like a professional administrator when you’re sick or miserable. And you’re perfectly healthy.” She sighed.
“Well, I can’t say I’m happy about the news, but…I mean, what can you do? It’s a stupid magazine, anyway.”
“And it’s killing you. Anyway. I brought you this.” She glanced down at the library-bound book he placed in front of her.
“This Side of Paradise? House, what on Earth?”
“Turn to the bookmarked page, please.” Cuddy opened the book and noted a smudge of yellow highlighter.
“House! This is from the university library!” He rolled his eyes at her.
“Just read it.”
“‘I want to go to Princeton,’ said Amory. ‘I don’t know why, but I think of all Harvard men as sissies, like I used to be, and all Yale men as wearing big blue sweaters and smoking pipes.’ Monsignor chuckled. ‘I’m one, you know.’ ‘Oh, you’re different-I think of Princeton as being lazy and good-looking and aristocratic - you know, like a spring day.’”
“Don’t see how the university library can be pissed at having that highlighted,” noted House with a grin. Cuddy shook her head.
“Fine,” she admitted. “It pisses me off. Princeton belongs on top. Stupid Harvard…”
“Rejected you?”
“Yeah,” she said absently. Then, realizing what she’d just admitted, she added, “I mean-oh, for crying out loud. The point is we’re better. And we’re going to be back at number one next year, and Harvard can just eat our dust.”
“Now we’re talking,” said House crisply. “Let me know when the war starts. I have a feeling there’ll be a great demand for popcorn.”
“Goodbye, House,” Cuddy told him pointedly.
“Two!” he called again as he limped out of the room, grinning.
Nothing objectionable. 717 words.
House entered Cuddy’s office in the way he was most often wont: Dramatically. His cane thumped upon the floor, clambering for her attention.
“Two!” he shouted in his most obnoxious, gleeful voice. “Two! Two! Two!”
“I heard you the first time,” she muttered, looking up from her work but not ceasing, her left hand still moving across the page.
“Harvard!” he cried this time. “Harvard! Harvard! Harvard!” Cuddy rolled her eyes.
“Look, if this is so-very important to you, go find Shirley and badger her. The hospital’s rank has held pretty steady, considering your fiasco with accreditation…switching amoxicillin for steroids…”
“We’re affiliated!” he sang. “Ah, what a blow to the Princeton community. To have been toppled, for the very first time since its inception, from our roost atop the rankings of US World and News Report…”
“…US News and World Report…”
“…to have lost to that cahhh-RAZY Puritan school up in Boston…”
“…Cambridge-and for your information, both schools have similar religious pasts that are rooted in Calvinism; the only difference is that Harvard was founded by English Puritans and Princeton by Scottish Presbyterians why am I telling you this…”
“…and suddenly we must weep, because the veritas of the situation is that their kick-ass financial aid has kicked our ass down to number two. Two! TWO! Even if God did go to Princeton.”
“House, that’s not what ‘Dei sub numine viget’ actually means…”
“So, Cuddy,” House said with another grin, “how does it feel to be Dean of Medicine at the teaching hospital for the number two university in the country? I mean, Harvard’s had the best medical school for years, but this-this-this has gotta hurt.” She rolled her eyes and put down her pen.
“It’s a mostly pointless publication that bases its rankings on findings that are mainly biased or irrelevant.”
“You’re bitter.”
“Am not.”
“Are so.”
“Go talk to Shirley if you really want to gloat. She might actually care.”
“You care,” said House, and the glee was gone from his voice. “It bothers you. That’s why you’re all dressed up.” She frowned and looked down at her charcoal skirt suit and the rather unbuttoned pale orange silk blouse she wore under it.
“Armani suit,” he said crisply, “and are those school colors I see?”
“It’s comfortable,” she protested, smoothing her skirt along her thighs in vague embarrassment. “Anyway, what does it matter if I’m dressed up? You’re always commenting that my attire is unsuitable for the workplace”-her voice was dry beyond belief now-“I didn’t think you’d have any complaints.”
“You dress like a tramp when you’re happy or ovulating. You dress like a professional administrator when you’re sick or miserable. And you’re perfectly healthy.” She sighed.
“Well, I can’t say I’m happy about the news, but…I mean, what can you do? It’s a stupid magazine, anyway.”
“And it’s killing you. Anyway. I brought you this.” She glanced down at the library-bound book he placed in front of her.
“This Side of Paradise? House, what on Earth?”
“Turn to the bookmarked page, please.” Cuddy opened the book and noted a smudge of yellow highlighter.
“House! This is from the university library!” He rolled his eyes at her.
“Just read it.”
“‘I want to go to Princeton,’ said Amory. ‘I don’t know why, but I think of all Harvard men as sissies, like I used to be, and all Yale men as wearing big blue sweaters and smoking pipes.’ Monsignor chuckled. ‘I’m one, you know.’ ‘Oh, you’re different-I think of Princeton as being lazy and good-looking and aristocratic - you know, like a spring day.’”
“Don’t see how the university library can be pissed at having that highlighted,” noted House with a grin. Cuddy shook her head.
“Fine,” she admitted. “It pisses me off. Princeton belongs on top. Stupid Harvard…”
“Rejected you?”
“Yeah,” she said absently. Then, realizing what she’d just admitted, she added, “I mean-oh, for crying out loud. The point is we’re better. And we’re going to be back at number one next year, and Harvard can just eat our dust.”
“Now we’re talking,” said House crisply. “Let me know when the war starts. I have a feeling there’ll be a great demand for popcorn.”
“Goodbye, House,” Cuddy told him pointedly.
“Two!” he called again as he limped out of the room, grinning.