(no subject)
This has been a busy summer for me. I've worked full-time at the Boy Scouts office and part-time at the library. I really don't get along with my Boy Scout boss but I've managed alright enough. There's a lot of change that could be going on for me soon and I'm really worried its going to fall through. If the past is any indication, something crazy will happen and I'll just feel deflated by the whole thing. BUT hopefully that won't happen. I'm trying not to get too nervous about this job I've applied for and the car deal I'm working on, and trying to stay positive. That nagging little part of me though wants to assume it won't happen so if it does, I'm even more elated, and if it doesn't, then oh well, I figured as much anyway.
I've been worried about Mindy lately too. Its seems like she can't catch a break and works so hard. She is doing so well at raising Ameerah and working full-time and going to school, she's such a trooper. Ameerah's a little over eight months old now, getting big and almost talking now. She should be walking any day now. Its hard to believe that just eight months ago Mindy was at the hospital and I got the cutest, sweetest niece a girl could ever ask for. They are so cute together, Mindy and Ameerah. I've never seen anything like it from Mindy, she's so different - for the better. Its amazing to see how motherhood has helped her grow as a person, and to see the tenderness and love she and Ameerah share.
This is going to be a crazy week for me. I'm working both jobs, as usual, and packing up for the move on Sunday, plus there's Phi Mu retreat from Saturday til Sunday afternoon. Its going to be a stressful time because my back still hurts pretty bad sometimes, but I don't worry that I'll get it finished. I'm just worried I'll do permanent damage to my back with all that I have to do moving-wise this weekend.
I'm worried too about smoking. I worry I won't be able to quit. I've given myself til the end of the month because I want to start the new school year off right, a new me for the new life I'm about to enter, but if I don't....I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid I will be the statistic, but I've tried to quit before and didn't make it more than two days. And so many people I love have come to terms with my habit, and I'm afraid if I fail again, they'll just give up on me ever being able to quit. I'll just always be a smoker in their eyes and well, I never thought of myself that way. Even now, after two years of it, I still have to remind myself to answer "yes" when people ask me or I fill out a survey. I hate myself for letting it make me weak enough to need it. And you want to know the worst of it? I'll probably smoke another one before I go to bed, or maybe two, if I end up staying up long enough. And every time I get stressed out or sad, all I want is a fresh pack so I can just forget what's going on and get wrapped up in the peace of it. That's the only part I truly like, that because so few people I know actually smoke, there's peace when everyone else is some place else and I get to escape outside to myself and my thoughts and just the peace of sitting there, doing nothing, being alone.
I guess that goes back to me needing some more time for myself. The problem with this whole past year is that I've stopped doing the other things I love and gotten so distracted by going out downtown and visiting other people and school crap that I forgot about myself and the things that I enjoy. I haven't written a decent poem in months and, aside from what I've read this summer, I haven't read much for fun. And as book-ish as that sounds, I really love reading. Its just another way to just slip off to another world that I just love.
I've been thinking about my past a lot lately too. I feel like I've matured a lot this past year and realized what I do and do not want. But its made me more introverted than I thought. I've learned hte value of keeping my thoughts to myself and the importance of it too. Like Jackie Kennedy once said, "If I tell you my thoughts, they wouldn't be mine anymore. Now would they??" That's how I feel a lot of times here recently, that I don't want to talk to people about anything personal (personal to me or to them) because I'd rather just keep to myself. I think that's a product of working at the Boy Scout office though, because I get a lot more chatty and more like myself everywhere else. I did meet some interesting guys in the last month or so, which reminds me that I haven't changed into a totally different person. One guy was damn near perfect and another a close second, but to be honest, my favorite was the one with the flaws--white boys still win my heart for some reason. Dammit, but I love 'em. Sweet dreams and love to my girls (see you all soon!).
I've been worried about Mindy lately too. Its seems like she can't catch a break and works so hard. She is doing so well at raising Ameerah and working full-time and going to school, she's such a trooper. Ameerah's a little over eight months old now, getting big and almost talking now. She should be walking any day now. Its hard to believe that just eight months ago Mindy was at the hospital and I got the cutest, sweetest niece a girl could ever ask for. They are so cute together, Mindy and Ameerah. I've never seen anything like it from Mindy, she's so different - for the better. Its amazing to see how motherhood has helped her grow as a person, and to see the tenderness and love she and Ameerah share.
This is going to be a crazy week for me. I'm working both jobs, as usual, and packing up for the move on Sunday, plus there's Phi Mu retreat from Saturday til Sunday afternoon. Its going to be a stressful time because my back still hurts pretty bad sometimes, but I don't worry that I'll get it finished. I'm just worried I'll do permanent damage to my back with all that I have to do moving-wise this weekend.
I'm worried too about smoking. I worry I won't be able to quit. I've given myself til the end of the month because I want to start the new school year off right, a new me for the new life I'm about to enter, but if I don't....I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid I will be the statistic, but I've tried to quit before and didn't make it more than two days. And so many people I love have come to terms with my habit, and I'm afraid if I fail again, they'll just give up on me ever being able to quit. I'll just always be a smoker in their eyes and well, I never thought of myself that way. Even now, after two years of it, I still have to remind myself to answer "yes" when people ask me or I fill out a survey. I hate myself for letting it make me weak enough to need it. And you want to know the worst of it? I'll probably smoke another one before I go to bed, or maybe two, if I end up staying up long enough. And every time I get stressed out or sad, all I want is a fresh pack so I can just forget what's going on and get wrapped up in the peace of it. That's the only part I truly like, that because so few people I know actually smoke, there's peace when everyone else is some place else and I get to escape outside to myself and my thoughts and just the peace of sitting there, doing nothing, being alone.
I guess that goes back to me needing some more time for myself. The problem with this whole past year is that I've stopped doing the other things I love and gotten so distracted by going out downtown and visiting other people and school crap that I forgot about myself and the things that I enjoy. I haven't written a decent poem in months and, aside from what I've read this summer, I haven't read much for fun. And as book-ish as that sounds, I really love reading. Its just another way to just slip off to another world that I just love.
I've been thinking about my past a lot lately too. I feel like I've matured a lot this past year and realized what I do and do not want. But its made me more introverted than I thought. I've learned hte value of keeping my thoughts to myself and the importance of it too. Like Jackie Kennedy once said, "If I tell you my thoughts, they wouldn't be mine anymore. Now would they??" That's how I feel a lot of times here recently, that I don't want to talk to people about anything personal (personal to me or to them) because I'd rather just keep to myself. I think that's a product of working at the Boy Scout office though, because I get a lot more chatty and more like myself everywhere else. I did meet some interesting guys in the last month or so, which reminds me that I haven't changed into a totally different person. One guy was damn near perfect and another a close second, but to be honest, my favorite was the one with the flaws--white boys still win my heart for some reason. Dammit, but I love 'em. Sweet dreams and love to my girls (see you all soon!).