ugh
I keep thinking about the phone call that I got yesterday, those of you who were there, know what i'm talking about, and those of you who dont....it doesn't really matter.
I am just writing to try and get this out of my system, cuz I keep thinking about it. How exactly do you prove something that is impossible to prove? I have no way to go against what someone has accused me of. I have no physical proof, I have no witnesses...and I have no idea how I can do any more then what I have done. I have given my word, and apparently 2 years of friendship is not enough to throw that all away to believe someone who has lost all credibility. I really wish that this could all be over with, and I could just say 'see? I didn't do it!' but there is no way for me to do that. It bugs the shit out of me that I could have lost a really good friend because of rumors that someone else has spread, just to get back at me.
I am really ready to give up on all of this. I guess that I could come to terms with not having a friend that has been there for me, and I for them. I guess that I could just avoid the whole thing and say 'fuck it'. But I'm not so sure that I can let some lying ***** to take away something that has become a great friendship. I am ready to take a stand against all of it, and I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I have also realized that it is the best thing in the world to have friends, but the worst thing in the world to lose them.
I have also realized that I am going to try and stay away from any sort of relationship, I think that it may be better. I have decided because I really can't trust anyone anymore. All my friends believe that I lead people on, and that all I do is hurt. No matter what I say, I guess it doesn't mean anything.
I have always thought that I am a good person, but the more life I live, and the more experience I gain, I realize that maybe I am a shitty person afterall. Maybe it's just not good for me to get close to anyone. I have hurt people, and I have tried to fix things.
Reputation has become the main focus of people anymore. People never look into someone's soul, and at the person as a whole, without looking into the past first. Anything that I have done has come under the microscope from everyone. I have already admitted to having my flaws, no one is perfect. I am no where near a perfect person, but I would rather people get to know me as I am now, rather then how I was.
I guess time will tell.
I have run away from my past before, and I really wouldn't mind doing it again. Maybe I'll just go back to Germany, where no one knows me, and I have to start again.
The time that I was away from this school, I was 'free'. I had the chance to remake myself, and get away from any drama that was following me. I was not sleeping well while I was at school, people told me that the 'ghosts' were catching up to me, and that going away should help. Well, now that I'm back...they are back as well.
Oh well, I'm done writing.
I am just writing to try and get this out of my system, cuz I keep thinking about it. How exactly do you prove something that is impossible to prove? I have no way to go against what someone has accused me of. I have no physical proof, I have no witnesses...and I have no idea how I can do any more then what I have done. I have given my word, and apparently 2 years of friendship is not enough to throw that all away to believe someone who has lost all credibility. I really wish that this could all be over with, and I could just say 'see? I didn't do it!' but there is no way for me to do that. It bugs the shit out of me that I could have lost a really good friend because of rumors that someone else has spread, just to get back at me.
I am really ready to give up on all of this. I guess that I could come to terms with not having a friend that has been there for me, and I for them. I guess that I could just avoid the whole thing and say 'fuck it'. But I'm not so sure that I can let some lying ***** to take away something that has become a great friendship. I am ready to take a stand against all of it, and I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I have also realized that it is the best thing in the world to have friends, but the worst thing in the world to lose them.
I have also realized that I am going to try and stay away from any sort of relationship, I think that it may be better. I have decided because I really can't trust anyone anymore. All my friends believe that I lead people on, and that all I do is hurt. No matter what I say, I guess it doesn't mean anything.
I have always thought that I am a good person, but the more life I live, and the more experience I gain, I realize that maybe I am a shitty person afterall. Maybe it's just not good for me to get close to anyone. I have hurt people, and I have tried to fix things.
Reputation has become the main focus of people anymore. People never look into someone's soul, and at the person as a whole, without looking into the past first. Anything that I have done has come under the microscope from everyone. I have already admitted to having my flaws, no one is perfect. I am no where near a perfect person, but I would rather people get to know me as I am now, rather then how I was.
I guess time will tell.
I have run away from my past before, and I really wouldn't mind doing it again. Maybe I'll just go back to Germany, where no one knows me, and I have to start again.
The time that I was away from this school, I was 'free'. I had the chance to remake myself, and get away from any drama that was following me. I was not sleeping well while I was at school, people told me that the 'ghosts' were catching up to me, and that going away should help. Well, now that I'm back...they are back as well.
Oh well, I'm done writing.