SOCKS: Friend or Foe? --a conspiracy theory
i am convinced that socks are evil beings from another dimension who are involved in an elaborate conspiracy to ruin my life. they primarily attempt to accomplish this by hiding in such a way that i have to spend 10 minutes frantically excavating piles of laundry in order to find a suitable matching pair, and thus end up being 10 minutes late to everywhere i go. it is their hope that this will a) prevent me from getting a job, by causing me to show up late for the interview, and b) get fired from said job for regular tardiness, should i happen to get it anyway somehow.
now, to support my theory, i cite the example of a couple forms of otherwise inexplicable phenomena. everyone is familiar with getting your laundry out of the wash/dryer only to discover that somehow, despite having been extremely careful not to drop anything, a sock has somehow completely and mysteriously vanished.
most people are also familiar with the experience of a superfluous, non-indigenous sock appearing amongst their laundry effects. a sock that they have never seen before, that suddenly emerges in their wash.
i submit that washer/dryer machines are in fact inter-dimensional teleportation devices used by the socks to send "messenger socks" back to headquarters to report on progress and receive new instructions, and "scout socks" that are sent off to new people's laundry to do reconnaissance so they can determine whether that person is a suitable target for destruction, and if so, how best to acheive said destruction.
additionally, i suggest that guitar picks are the primary/preferred means of sustenance for socks, and that the cracks between couch cushions are also interdimensional portals that socks can not quite fit through, but they lead immediately to various restaurants on the other side of the portal, where socks gleefully gobble up guitar picks before returning to work on destroying my life.
now, to support my theory, i cite the example of a couple forms of otherwise inexplicable phenomena. everyone is familiar with getting your laundry out of the wash/dryer only to discover that somehow, despite having been extremely careful not to drop anything, a sock has somehow completely and mysteriously vanished.
most people are also familiar with the experience of a superfluous, non-indigenous sock appearing amongst their laundry effects. a sock that they have never seen before, that suddenly emerges in their wash.
i submit that washer/dryer machines are in fact inter-dimensional teleportation devices used by the socks to send "messenger socks" back to headquarters to report on progress and receive new instructions, and "scout socks" that are sent off to new people's laundry to do reconnaissance so they can determine whether that person is a suitable target for destruction, and if so, how best to acheive said destruction.
additionally, i suggest that guitar picks are the primary/preferred means of sustenance for socks, and that the cracks between couch cushions are also interdimensional portals that socks can not quite fit through, but they lead immediately to various restaurants on the other side of the portal, where socks gleefully gobble up guitar picks before returning to work on destroying my life.