From think to do
I continue to come back here in the form of a typed journal entry whenever my emotions seem to be blending like a palette of paint so that the primary colours are no longer distinguishable, and even which colours to mix have become uncertain. I am not sure if this is doing me any good, or anybody else out there deciding to take a gander at these pages, but for some reason the feeling of typing my thoughts out for the world to (possibly) see is almost a tiny thrill which is more satisfying than writing words with a pen, in a book that nobody will ever read but myself and perhaps my children late down the road after I have passed or if I decide to share a few select things with them for the purpose of learning from my mistakes and understanding that we share similar experiences. But here I will try and clarify my own thoughts so that by the end perhaps I will have a better frame of mind and if anybody has decided to follow my words perhaps you can offer me advice throughout my struggles.
School has started and this week it should feel real and I should feel motivated to get on top of the school work before I really feel like I am drowning but I can't transfer my thoughts of "I should really review stuff I just learned" to doing it. Even having cancelled netflix I have found other ways to waste my time including this blog, shopping, and browsing the books at chapters in hopes that an answer might come to me. Tomorrow morning I am going to try going to the gym first thing and then I will be in the motivated mind-set to perhaps do school work afterward. Still, I am struggling with what blocks are existing in my mind to distract me every time I sit down with every intention to study. I suppose I know what a few of these thinking blocks are but am afraid to admit it, or am playing tug-a-war telling myself I am thinking too much and then contradicting those thoughts with the "what-if" and "why am I struggling so much if I am thinking too much?"
Relationships. This is part of what occupies my mind, that I can't seem to overcome this hurdle to focus on the things past it. I try and go around the hurdle, I try and turn around so the hurdle is behind me but somehow I continue to end up back in front of it, faced with the only option of getting over it but unsure of how to complete the task. The hurdle seems so large, it seems impossible. The brick wall in front of me seems to be made of impenetrable material and 3x my height. What do you do when the same issue continues to come up in a relationship but the positives keep trying to override that one small thing telling me to ignore it. I told myself that if it came up again it wasn't meant to be and I should discuss that with him. Discuss other options: maybe we need to take some real time apart, unlike the time apart we tried to take a few months ago where we were really still together, just not communicating. BUT THEN it came up again and I didn't want to say "well if you don't know then maybe we should break up!" because I love him and I empathize with his conflicts and want to support him. I am not entirely innocent either of course. Relationships take 2 people and I know there are things I can be doing to help strengthen this one but it's hard when I can't find a solution to this one issue. I did get upset, and he spent the rest of the day showing me affection, treating me well, and giving it all he had to show me that he loves me and wants this to work too. I guess that's what makes it difficult. How do you know if this issue will eventually destroy your relationship or if there is some way of overcoming it or ignoring it so that it will all work out?
Friendship. This is another hurdle, similar to the relationship without the factor of affection and being deeply in love. In a way though, I love my friend - a few of them in fact - and that makes it hard to lose them as well. Some friendships, no matter how much of a connection you feel, are just toxic and are unhelpful to either party or are only helpful to one, leaving the other feeling drained and heavy with emotions. My struggle is to help this person or let them be? We already haven't been in contact for at least a month and I am hoping that they contact me so that I can ask how they are doing but at the same time I am wondering, at what cost. I learned the hard way that certain people can just bring you down even if you care about them and want to help them. Sometimes it's better to save yourself before you're both destroyed. Still, I can't get over this guilt. For the past and for being brought into a similar situation again and wanting to back out.
These 2 things are what occupies my mind most of the time, and connected to this theme is loneliness. I often feel lonely even though I am surrounded by people and try so hard to keep threads of connections so that I won't lose everybody. When I say it out-loud (or on here) it seems ridiculous to think that I could lose other friendships without a choice, that I am a good enough person and confident enough that I can maintain these connections, but then I come home to an empty apartment, I hear my neighbour above me playing his/her guitar and want to be brave and go up and ask if I can join in but then I feel that's rediculous. Ok the neighbour is slightly unrelated to my friendships, but it still enforces the feeling of loneliness that I have. That I have nobody here to play guitar with, to visit with, to have coffee with at any time. This one can be fixed through the wonders of social media, but it's still not the same. Internet will never replace human to human contact.
Well here's another slightly depressing blog. Another one filled with confusion and thoughts of how to convert thoughts to actions. First, perhaps I will send an email to a friend that I am missing. I think that will help.
School has started and this week it should feel real and I should feel motivated to get on top of the school work before I really feel like I am drowning but I can't transfer my thoughts of "I should really review stuff I just learned" to doing it. Even having cancelled netflix I have found other ways to waste my time including this blog, shopping, and browsing the books at chapters in hopes that an answer might come to me. Tomorrow morning I am going to try going to the gym first thing and then I will be in the motivated mind-set to perhaps do school work afterward. Still, I am struggling with what blocks are existing in my mind to distract me every time I sit down with every intention to study. I suppose I know what a few of these thinking blocks are but am afraid to admit it, or am playing tug-a-war telling myself I am thinking too much and then contradicting those thoughts with the "what-if" and "why am I struggling so much if I am thinking too much?"
Relationships. This is part of what occupies my mind, that I can't seem to overcome this hurdle to focus on the things past it. I try and go around the hurdle, I try and turn around so the hurdle is behind me but somehow I continue to end up back in front of it, faced with the only option of getting over it but unsure of how to complete the task. The hurdle seems so large, it seems impossible. The brick wall in front of me seems to be made of impenetrable material and 3x my height. What do you do when the same issue continues to come up in a relationship but the positives keep trying to override that one small thing telling me to ignore it. I told myself that if it came up again it wasn't meant to be and I should discuss that with him. Discuss other options: maybe we need to take some real time apart, unlike the time apart we tried to take a few months ago where we were really still together, just not communicating. BUT THEN it came up again and I didn't want to say "well if you don't know then maybe we should break up!" because I love him and I empathize with his conflicts and want to support him. I am not entirely innocent either of course. Relationships take 2 people and I know there are things I can be doing to help strengthen this one but it's hard when I can't find a solution to this one issue. I did get upset, and he spent the rest of the day showing me affection, treating me well, and giving it all he had to show me that he loves me and wants this to work too. I guess that's what makes it difficult. How do you know if this issue will eventually destroy your relationship or if there is some way of overcoming it or ignoring it so that it will all work out?
Friendship. This is another hurdle, similar to the relationship without the factor of affection and being deeply in love. In a way though, I love my friend - a few of them in fact - and that makes it hard to lose them as well. Some friendships, no matter how much of a connection you feel, are just toxic and are unhelpful to either party or are only helpful to one, leaving the other feeling drained and heavy with emotions. My struggle is to help this person or let them be? We already haven't been in contact for at least a month and I am hoping that they contact me so that I can ask how they are doing but at the same time I am wondering, at what cost. I learned the hard way that certain people can just bring you down even if you care about them and want to help them. Sometimes it's better to save yourself before you're both destroyed. Still, I can't get over this guilt. For the past and for being brought into a similar situation again and wanting to back out.
These 2 things are what occupies my mind most of the time, and connected to this theme is loneliness. I often feel lonely even though I am surrounded by people and try so hard to keep threads of connections so that I won't lose everybody. When I say it out-loud (or on here) it seems ridiculous to think that I could lose other friendships without a choice, that I am a good enough person and confident enough that I can maintain these connections, but then I come home to an empty apartment, I hear my neighbour above me playing his/her guitar and want to be brave and go up and ask if I can join in but then I feel that's rediculous. Ok the neighbour is slightly unrelated to my friendships, but it still enforces the feeling of loneliness that I have. That I have nobody here to play guitar with, to visit with, to have coffee with at any time. This one can be fixed through the wonders of social media, but it's still not the same. Internet will never replace human to human contact.
Well here's another slightly depressing blog. Another one filled with confusion and thoughts of how to convert thoughts to actions. First, perhaps I will send an email to a friend that I am missing. I think that will help.