Thinking too much
I have too much on my mind and need to rant, so forgive me oh internet world, if this gets long and tedious. I need a neutral person who will not input comments of "you need to know if you want what it is now, not what it could be like" or tell me to listen to my gut.. because I don't know what my gut, or my heart, or my head is telling me. Difficulties in this relationship didn't really begin until I moved an entire province away. Before, he was still working out of town in camp but I didn't mind it so much. Maybe a lot of it is because I feel more alone here, because I live alone, and am not constantly surrounded by people to distract me. My only friends here are as busy as I am because we are all in the same program. Now, I don't have most of their numbers anymore because I lost my phone and I sit here alone, watching episode of episode of TV on netflix, and after that is done I torture myself with chick flicks. I have so many feelings going on in my head and so many thoughts I don't know what to do with. A few weeks ago, I convinced myself that I was assuming things about the way he feels and that I wasn't giving enough so I gave all I could and that week was the best we'd had in a long time. I tried to relax more and ignore the comments he makes that I dislike because that is a part of him I have to accept. I guess the main thing I want right now is proper communication and maybe I want it too fast.. I know this isn't something that can change overnight. We had a conversation after a few drinks that I thought would be looser and more open but it wasn't. Maybe it is that he has mood swings and he happened to not be quite with it that evening. The question is, is this something that I can simply accept about him and love him unconditionally and be with him for the rest of our lives in spite of this? If it's not right now, will it be when I'm done school? Will it be if he gets a job in town and is home every night? And if it isn't.. will he regret getting a job in town and committing fully? He fears that will never feel a connection with anybody and that I am the closest person he has felt with but that it still feels disconnected. We both fear letting go in case this is the best that we will get and this is right and there won't be a second chance if we let it go. Isn't that always a risk? If it isn't right, how can we tell? How can we know that exact moment to say "you're right, this was never mean to be"?...I said "enough" and had the opportunity to really think things through.. but just as I was getting my own thoughts in order, he returned. The result wasn't as I expected. I do feel so right with him while he's by my side. I feel his disconnection a lot but I know this is just a part of him and not because I am not good enough for him, not interesting.. but why do I still let it bother me? I've always wanted to help people. I've always wanted to be the one to make a difference and been too afraid to hurt people. I have so much guilt from the last person I let go to think about myself first.. I don't know if I could go through that again. I would feel like a cold-hearted person leaving him behind because I couldn't handle it..adding to his insecurities about his ups and downs and his fears about always being this way, always being lost and never finding that one person. I would stay friends with him of course, but then if either of us got into a new relationship it would be awkward. Why am I even thinking about this? Why am I thinking about what may happen IF we aren't together.. I have extra guilt thinking about possibilities.. about things I may be missing out on "out there".. these thoughts which make me so upset when he mentions them.. that make me say "you either want to be with me or you don't!"..What makes me happy?
This is the ultimate question in life isn't it? We only have to live full-time with ourselves and our thoughts and if we aren't happy then what are we? going along in life without looking up? We need to think about the choices we make of course, which involve other people because if we burn bridges that may cause more unhappiness for us in the future but ultimately that's what life is about isn't it? Are we happy or not? Are we satisfied? Keep going. Are we unsatisfied? Change directions. do something new. What if we are happy sometimes and unhappy other times? I guess the best we can do is talk about it to try and work it out. I guess the best we can do is what we feel is the right thing to do for our own happiness. Oh life, you are so simple and yet your simplicity sometimes confuses us so we look for deeper meanings, we look for answers, we look for complexity and we find it. How ironic.
This is the ultimate question in life isn't it? We only have to live full-time with ourselves and our thoughts and if we aren't happy then what are we? going along in life without looking up? We need to think about the choices we make of course, which involve other people because if we burn bridges that may cause more unhappiness for us in the future but ultimately that's what life is about isn't it? Are we happy or not? Are we satisfied? Keep going. Are we unsatisfied? Change directions. do something new. What if we are happy sometimes and unhappy other times? I guess the best we can do is talk about it to try and work it out. I guess the best we can do is what we feel is the right thing to do for our own happiness. Oh life, you are so simple and yet your simplicity sometimes confuses us so we look for deeper meanings, we look for answers, we look for complexity and we find it. How ironic.