silence
I've come to conclude that this blog has become a sort of ghost town.. but since I used to live in Tumbler Ridge and that IS NOT a ghost town despite what some may say, I will keep it alive for as long as I feel like ranting. This past week has been positive, beaming, rainbows and flowers.. until Thursday when I decided to have a sudden mood shift. I was feeling antisocial due to hormones and being female.. but also the things that have been eating away at my mind and confusions I have been pushing aside in hopes for positive energy to come my way. Another annoying night at the Grind with a crowd of people talking and laughing so loudly the artists at the front feel like they have lost respect.. so much I actually yelled at them, which did good for all of one song then they were back to their highschool ways. It irritates me that they come and pretend to enjoy the live music and expect silence for their performance (though it's mostly the people who don't perform because they don't understand that it makes you feel unloved and unwanted when you're up their nervous ready to show off your talents and there are people having conversations in their own little world) when really they are just there because they heard it was the latest "in". At least Chris Montgomery can always make his music loud enough to shut up the ignorance and join in the audience that's actually there to listen. Besides that, there was a party afterward that I wasn't too into.. I do want to socialize and be a part of my boyfriend's friend's group but I didn't feel like I belonged entirely, I didn't feel as comfortable and I got into a state of unwant by everyone including my boyfriend. I left earlier than I could have and came home to write pages of feelings and absorb myself in literature I have ignored. Friday was more hopeful, yet work went by agonizingly slow and we were late for the pirates vs ninja's party. I always love being around my friend's though and I felt a ton more comfortable in the beginning of the party. I didn't see all the people I had hoped (at least all that often) and the aftermath was.. emotional.. but I managed to get something off my mind that I had intended to bring up Thursday.. funny enough, he was the one that brought it up.. brought on by somebody else who still has feelings for me. What a twisted triangle.. There are so many people (mostly male) who care about me so much and I can't believe the fortune I have.. Every day I wake up and thank the world for bringing me to such wonderful people and though at times they confuse me and pressure me, I would never want to let them go. So the guy who has intense feelings for me expressed (through drunk words) to the one who is mine (and has equally intense feelings about me) about the guy who I haven't been able to let go and the same one who understands me the best.. And now they all know everything that has been circling within me since all three have been involved. Wow.. that was probably confusing and unnecessarily long but since nobody really reads this anyway I suppose it has little importance anyhow. Now I sit with all three still close to me, all three I am able to talk to and listen to with my undivided attention and this I explained to him after the party, after he called in sick to work, and things were cleared. So why do I still have this pang of doubt and worry? As much as he claims to not be upset by the ordeal, as much as he claims it has nothing to do with me, but with his own reaction, how can I rid this negative energy pulling in forces that will bring me everything but happiness. Postivity I suppose. Continuing to be grateful to have these people around whom I can express myself and more who are less complicatedly involved and live my life today not tommorow or yesterday. Sometimes I wonder if I am standing alone, surrounded by a force impossible to break through. Silence is good, silence is better.