(no subject)
Ive been MIA to pretty much everyone and everything other then my immediate location for the past couple of weeks. Knowingly of this and yet unable to really change it is the problem.
Ive been thinking of all the wrong things and none of the right ones, a possible reason is because i dont know what the right ones are. Ive lost many things the past while, that i dont know if i can regain, its a revelation of conclusions that all point in the wrong direction. A downward spiral of doubts and insecurities.
I think the reason we get along so well is because we are so similar, i used to be the one to cheat off of, the one that teachers said to be like, in all the excellerated classes, was asked questions before and comfirm answers after all the tests. But then i cracked, i broke, rightfully so after so much, but i couldnt take it. What wouldve happened if i hadnt, where would i be now.
These past couple months have been riddled with so much negativity it's ridiculous. From two separate arson attempts next door to a wayward comment that can cripples you in the most unsuspecting ways. I really cant wrap my head around anything anymore. It's like i'm a shell of my former self and my former self wasn't really a shining example of positivity. Everything just seems to be bearing down on me. All the decisions all the plans, all the obligations, and none of them involve anyone but myself. I think that's why its so easy to be where i'm at because i'm not really disappointing anyone but myself.
Happiness is a funny thing, so many people claim that they are happy and arent. Others claim they aren't when there's no reason for them not to be. Some pretend that they are to help others be happy. What is happiness? A question for the ages.
I find no value in anything right now. No faith, No hope. Its pretty dreadful when the two single most important things in life are no where to be found. When one is gone you can lean on the other. When both are gone where do you turn?
I think that i might not sleep tonight i just have that kind of feeling.
I can't seem to start building up again to have it all crash on top of me again.
I'm still content on being jaded for the now but even that is getting tiresome. All i know for sure is that i can't go back to what happened at the beginning.
Fuck... *shakes head*