(no subject)
I've always loved and hated in equal measure that aphorism:
If you love something, set it free
if it comes back, it's yours
if it doesn't, it never was.
I owe six months of dubious relationshipness to practicing this every week. Literally thinking every week - if he walks away, he walks away.
the problem is, here's how my mind works:
If you love something, set it free,
If it comes back, it's yours
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.
And I know very well, that I can let something go for as long as I'm sure it's not going to go. But if I think it's going to go, I hold on so tight I kill it anyway.
This time, I'm doing my best. My best so far, anyway. It's better than it was.
I'm not always sure that I want the damn bird, or at least if I want it forever, but I'm going to try to make sure that if it goes, I let it go with dignity.
I don't really do dignity well.
In OTHER news though... I applied for 4 jobs last night and approached a recruiting consultant in the UK, thanks to my friend S who has been very supportive.
None of it may come off, but it makes me feel like I've finally broken through my own fears to make an application. It feels very freeing.
I do love the me that exists when I'm NOT with D (or anyone for that matter) far more than the me that develops after I've been with someone for a while. I need to get her back again.
Also, at work we are getting together our own mini Biggest Loser. I hate that show - hate the way it exploits vulnerable people for entertainment. But I'm going to show up for the first meeting. Because I am now a humiliating size, and that is ALSO relationship me, and not REAL me.
If you love something, set it free
if it comes back, it's yours
if it doesn't, it never was.
I owe six months of dubious relationshipness to practicing this every week. Literally thinking every week - if he walks away, he walks away.
the problem is, here's how my mind works:
If you love something, set it free,
If it comes back, it's yours
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.
And I know very well, that I can let something go for as long as I'm sure it's not going to go. But if I think it's going to go, I hold on so tight I kill it anyway.
This time, I'm doing my best. My best so far, anyway. It's better than it was.
I'm not always sure that I want the damn bird, or at least if I want it forever, but I'm going to try to make sure that if it goes, I let it go with dignity.
I don't really do dignity well.
In OTHER news though... I applied for 4 jobs last night and approached a recruiting consultant in the UK, thanks to my friend S who has been very supportive.
None of it may come off, but it makes me feel like I've finally broken through my own fears to make an application. It feels very freeing.
I do love the me that exists when I'm NOT with D (or anyone for that matter) far more than the me that develops after I've been with someone for a while. I need to get her back again.
Also, at work we are getting together our own mini Biggest Loser. I hate that show - hate the way it exploits vulnerable people for entertainment. But I'm going to show up for the first meeting. Because I am now a humiliating size, and that is ALSO relationship me, and not REAL me.