(no subject)
So I've been thinking... alot I guess. Perhaps it's just because the most philosophical person in my life is missing. My charming philosopher is not only angry with me, but he's gone. Anywho, back to what I've been thinking about, well... this is total rambling I might add, I'm letting myself go. That's what I've been thinking about. And I dont mean it in the sense that I'm going to just like let loose, not be uptight, relax and stuff... I mean I'm letting myself go as in like I was once a cozy, respectable home, and now the gate's broken, the windows are boarded up, and the doorbell stopped working. I've become a house I guess, rather than a home. It's weird, it's not like I'm doing things and then thinking to myself, "Leigh Ann, why the hell did you do that?". It's more like I'm doing things and then I'm like "Wow, you were okay with that? When did that happen? Why are you okay with that?". Yesterday was just a weird day, I was surrounded by people that I'm close to but the whole time I felt like an outsider. I mean, my gosh, we were in my house watching my movies, talking to people I know and the whole time I felt like I didn't belong. I was just floating around like you do in a place where you don't really know people and even though they're being nice, you see the connection they have with other people... and even though you see it, there's no way to touch it. Yesterday... I got picked on alot, harmlessly. But I've noticed that what they've made fun of me for is stuff I used to make fun of them for. For some reason I'm feeling extremely self conscious about everything that is a part of me. And that's left me thinking "How dare they put me in a situation that I have to think lower of myself than I already do? What is their problem?". But even with all that thinking, I wasn't mad or upset, like I said, I was just there. And, the less I said, the more that people took the initiative to make up things I'd said ya know. Embellish the truth or just plain ole grab from the sky. I honestly felt some of the time like I shouldn't have been shady and right out said the blunt, stupid truth. That way maybe they wouldn't of had to think of anything to say or better yet, say nothing at all. People are just so loud. Justin always told me that for the sociable person I am, I avoid social situations like woah. And I do, I just have this fear, I get around people that can come off as somewhat annoying and then all the sudden, I feel annoying, and loud, and I'm bothered by the fact that it doesn't bother me if that makes sense. I mean, you see annoying, I see a love for something different and I'm still left thinking. Overall, the big question on my mind is... what in the hell am I going to do? And, for the first time ever really, I'm starting to think that GSA will be a good thing. For three weeks, I'm going to be ripped out of the environment that makes me totally happy and totally sad, ripped out of my world. So that'll suck, but I'll get to learn how to live without it, and I already know who means alot to me in it. It's weird, I've rambled enough, and I'm still stuck in between wanting what I don't need, and hating what I don't want... I'm falling into another trap, and running out of excuses to be me.
**Leigh Ann
**Leigh Ann