Ug...
Well, Beethoven's 9th went off without a hitch. While I guess the point of "Ode to Joy" is to evoke feelings of... well joy;
the best way to describe my state of mind before, durring, and after
the concert was "melancholy". The entire time, all I felt was
regret about quitting French Horn and quitting the vocal major program
(I quit things too damn much). Although I miss my music, I
realize there is no going back. There is no future for me in
music. There is no money. While I could be a musician, my
monetary stability would be spotty at best.
So, I realize I have to make a clean break with music. It's hard
for me though; it keeps calling to me, making me feel
guilty/depressed/ashamed/other negative feelings. Its hard to
give up on a dream, but I feel that it is what I must do. People
always tell you, "Don't give up on your dreams and goals", but those
people aren't living in the real world. I'm angry at God for giving me a talent in something I love to do, but am unable to continue doing.