H/D Fic
Title: Because Narcissa Malfoy’s Mouth is Bigger Than The Mersey Tunnel
Summary: See title
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Harry/Draco Hermione/Ron
Word count: 1500
Genre: My usual chaotic cracky!fluff
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Series: Draco at the weasleys
Warnings: Totally AU. Certain people who died in DH are still alive in my 'verse;)
A/N: Written for hidden_relic's prompt: I want to see Draco making a deal with the twins. A deal he doesn't want Harry finding out about. This was only supposed to be around 500 words, but it was a grower ::coff::
For your perusal:
Because Narcissa Malfoy’s Mouth is Bigger Than The Mersey Tunnel
Betrayal - The First
Blaise bounces into their secret hideout looking dangerously gleeful - an expression that usually strikes fear in his friends; except Pansy who says his glee makes him look like a concussed house-elf. Draco agrees with her wholeheartedly - but never out-loud.
So, with concussed house-elves in mind, Draco finds it a chore to conjure up any thing more than mild worry at Blaise’ shiny-eyed delight, until that wickedly curved mouth says:
“You have a Puffskein called Harry!”
Draco’s not proud of the bum-shuffle maneuver that this particular revelation prompts, but it’s good to feel the solid wall at his back.
“Yes, but I’m not very nice to it,” he says feebly, “Not very nice at all."
Blaise doesn’t look at all convinced.
“In fact, I hate that Puffskein. I hate it from the very depths of my soul,” Draco adds, trying a little more venom.
Still, Blaise remains skeptical. "Your mum says you sleep with it."
There’s a shocked silence and because Blaise is a really tactless best friend he fills it with song. "I think you Luuuurvvve it. I think you Luuuurvvve it.”
“I should put myself up for adoption, that woman's indiscretion is a form of child abuse,” Draco wails really warming to his outrage now.
“Luuuurvvve it,” Blaise sings over and over again, and this time there is a little dance to go with the words. Draco has to hit Blaise three times with the Jelly-Brain Jinx before he forgets what he’s singing about.
Betrayal - The Second
“It was adorable. Two little Puffskeins, each wearing green bows. Do you remember that, Draco darling?”
Draco's eyes commit matricide, but his mouth smiles politely.
“One was called Harry, one was called Draco,” Narcissa continues oblivious. “He made me perform the marriage ceremony.”
Fred and George are looking suspiciously straight-faced.
“Then we had cake.”
Molly picks up the teapot and offers Draco more tea and a sympathetic smile. The twins are already plotting - using some sort of unspoken, freckle-based communication system, Draco is sure. He'll be having words with them as soon as his mother says something awful and Mrs. Weasley gets angry enough to chase her off the premises. In the mean time, all Draco can do is thank his lucky stars Harry isn't present; Harry tends to treat these embarrassing little stories like collectables. He knows there's a scrapbook.
Harry
Harry Potter is a very busy boy-hero. He spends most of his time recovering from energetic sexual activity and multifaceted arguments (Draco), avoiding ingenious and dastardly attempts on his life (Lucius), and dodging requests to join a myriad of ‘worthy causes’ (Hermione). Also trying not to think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life is exhausting. So is having an high maintenance boyfriend. Then there's all the fan mail he has to answer now he no longer trusts Ginny to ghost-write for him after he caught her mass-copying:
Dear generic fangirl
Forget it! It's never going to happen. For I am a big gay and only attracted to other big gays; preferably stuck-up, blond, man-whores.
Get over it.
Yours sincerely,
Harry - big gay - Potter
Needless to say, Harry has a lot going on. So he doesn’t notice Draco’s random vanishings until Lucius nearly kills him with the ingeniously spelled, exploding egg timer thingy. After dousing out the odd stray flame, Harry feels a definite need for survivor’s sex and a bit of a cuddle. Only problem is - he can’t find his boyfriend.
Scary Het!sex
“Is Draco in here?”
“No!” Ron yells throwing a boot, which narrowly misses Harry’s messy, yet stylish, yet slightly scorched hairdo. “Can’t you see we’re having sex?”
“Sorry,” Harry mumbles - annoyed that he too could be having sex right now, but isn't.
Hermione pokes her head out from under the covers. “Have you signed my petition against Garden Gnome abuse yet, Harry? It’s a worthy endeavor.”
Harry pretends he can’t hear her. “If you felt the earth move a moment ago it wasn’t your prowess in the sack," he points out, "but half of your mums kitchen exploding.”
Ron looks confused and then startled and yelps, “Harry! Your hair is smoking.”
“Thank you.”
Ron’s second boot hits the door just after Harry closes it.
!
Harry looks everywhere for Draco; he searches all their local haunts and secret hideouts (even the place where Draco did that thing with his tongue that made Harry see, what he thought was Jesus, but turned out to be a unshaven Peeping Tom). He even asks the Garden Gnomes, but they just grunt and throw potatoes at him. Harry makes a mental note not to sign Hermione's petition. Then he fire-calls Blaise Zabini.
Zabini's slightly more communicative than the Garden Gnomes and he dosn’t throw things at Harry, but he looks like he wants to.
“He’s debasing himself,” he says in a salacious whisper and gives Harry an address.
Silly Pointless Interlude
Harry manages to lose a crowd of screaming girls on his way to the address Blaise has given him.
If Harry had a Knut for every time he's been squealed at in a public place he'd have 63 of the little bronze buggers. He knows this because his boyfriend is very exact about these things. Draco's even converted the sum into muggle money to prove he isn't prejudice, but Harry knows Draco's bitter because his current nickname for Harry is One-Pound-Two-P.
Dénouement
The first thing Harry notices when he walks through the door of the secluded warehouse is naked Draco, because, hello, naked Draco. The second thing Harry notices is Fred and George Weasley clinging to each other and cackling like hags.
"It's not what it looks like," George says quickly when he spots Harry by the door. He's suddenly pale and Harry's not surprised because he's pretty sure he's smoldering with murderous intent - or at least, his hair is.
"It's exactly what it looks like," Draco pipes up. He's hiding behind a glare and a wooded vat labelled Extendable Ears. "They're taking advantage of me in the worst way," he sniffles and Harry can see he's working himself up to a good old chin-wibble.
"Why, you little... not in a sex way, Harry," Fred splutters, hands raised in supplication.
"Yes, in a sex way," Draco says and Fred and George splutter together this time.
Harry gives Draco a look.
"Okay, that's not true," he admits. "But it could have been. I'm pretty irresistible when I'm naked."
It takes a while to get to the truth, but Draco comes clean after Harry bribes him with:
a) cuddles
b) a promise to avenge his compromised virtue
c) warm robes
d) a chocolate frog
That all negotiated, Draco says - "I've been helping the twins test their naked-making sex sweets so that they wouldn't tell you about my Puffskein called Harry that I forced mother to marry to my Puffskein called Draco. In my defense I was twelve and a bit weird on account of being raised by sociopathic Death Eaters."
Harry ponders this for a moment and then decides that they've all had quite enough non-sexual excitement for one day, and that it's time to go home. But not before forcing the twins to take a dose of their own medicine.
"Merlin, they're freckly all over - I did not need to know that," Draco whispers against Harry's neck.
Harry laughs and Disapparates them back to the burrow where they spend the evening doing all sorts of naughty things to each other - including that thing that Draco does with his tongue.
Later, whilst cuddling and stroking Draco's lovely skin, Harry reflects on his day. All in all it's been a win, he thinks. He's survived a killer egg timer, made up his mind about Garden Gnomes and learnt something new and adorable about his boyfriend. He even suspects there may be photographic evidence somewhere. He must remember to ask Narcissa. And he must dig out his scrapbook.
Betrayal - The Third
“This room is a disgrace Molly, darling. You really should think about getting in a couple of House-elves.”
“I’m sorry Narcissa, dear,” Molly snaps, her tone as black as the soot on her nose. “But you see, your husband blew away half of my kitchen trying to kill Harry and I haven’t gotten around to rebuilding it yet.”
“Men,” Narcissa says fondly. “Put the kettle on and I’ll tell you about the time Draco and Lucius sang a duet for the Slytherins last father and son gathering. I still have the photographs somewhere.”
The End
I'm sorry. But not nearly enough. *g*
Summary: See title
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Harry/Draco Hermione/Ron
Word count: 1500
Genre: My usual chaotic cracky!fluff
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Series: Draco at the weasleys
Warnings: Totally AU. Certain people who died in DH are still alive in my 'verse;)
A/N: Written for hidden_relic's prompt: I want to see Draco making a deal with the twins. A deal he doesn't want Harry finding out about. This was only supposed to be around 500 words, but it was a grower ::coff::
For your perusal:
Because Narcissa Malfoy’s Mouth is Bigger Than The Mersey Tunnel
Betrayal - The First
Blaise bounces into their secret hideout looking dangerously gleeful - an expression that usually strikes fear in his friends; except Pansy who says his glee makes him look like a concussed house-elf. Draco agrees with her wholeheartedly - but never out-loud.
So, with concussed house-elves in mind, Draco finds it a chore to conjure up any thing more than mild worry at Blaise’ shiny-eyed delight, until that wickedly curved mouth says:
“You have a Puffskein called Harry!”
Draco’s not proud of the bum-shuffle maneuver that this particular revelation prompts, but it’s good to feel the solid wall at his back.
“Yes, but I’m not very nice to it,” he says feebly, “Not very nice at all."
Blaise doesn’t look at all convinced.
“In fact, I hate that Puffskein. I hate it from the very depths of my soul,” Draco adds, trying a little more venom.
Still, Blaise remains skeptical. "Your mum says you sleep with it."
There’s a shocked silence and because Blaise is a really tactless best friend he fills it with song. "I think you Luuuurvvve it. I think you Luuuurvvve it.”
“I should put myself up for adoption, that woman's indiscretion is a form of child abuse,” Draco wails really warming to his outrage now.
“Luuuurvvve it,” Blaise sings over and over again, and this time there is a little dance to go with the words. Draco has to hit Blaise three times with the Jelly-Brain Jinx before he forgets what he’s singing about.
Betrayal - The Second
“It was adorable. Two little Puffskeins, each wearing green bows. Do you remember that, Draco darling?”
Draco's eyes commit matricide, but his mouth smiles politely.
“One was called Harry, one was called Draco,” Narcissa continues oblivious. “He made me perform the marriage ceremony.”
Fred and George are looking suspiciously straight-faced.
“Then we had cake.”
Molly picks up the teapot and offers Draco more tea and a sympathetic smile. The twins are already plotting - using some sort of unspoken, freckle-based communication system, Draco is sure. He'll be having words with them as soon as his mother says something awful and Mrs. Weasley gets angry enough to chase her off the premises. In the mean time, all Draco can do is thank his lucky stars Harry isn't present; Harry tends to treat these embarrassing little stories like collectables. He knows there's a scrapbook.
Harry
Harry Potter is a very busy boy-hero. He spends most of his time recovering from energetic sexual activity and multifaceted arguments (Draco), avoiding ingenious and dastardly attempts on his life (Lucius), and dodging requests to join a myriad of ‘worthy causes’ (Hermione). Also trying not to think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life is exhausting. So is having an high maintenance boyfriend. Then there's all the fan mail he has to answer now he no longer trusts Ginny to ghost-write for him after he caught her mass-copying:
Dear generic fangirl
Forget it! It's never going to happen. For I am a big gay and only attracted to other big gays; preferably stuck-up, blond, man-whores.
Get over it.
Yours sincerely,
Harry - big gay - Potter
Needless to say, Harry has a lot going on. So he doesn’t notice Draco’s random vanishings until Lucius nearly kills him with the ingeniously spelled, exploding egg timer thingy. After dousing out the odd stray flame, Harry feels a definite need for survivor’s sex and a bit of a cuddle. Only problem is - he can’t find his boyfriend.
Scary Het!sex
“Is Draco in here?”
“No!” Ron yells throwing a boot, which narrowly misses Harry’s messy, yet stylish, yet slightly scorched hairdo. “Can’t you see we’re having sex?”
“Sorry,” Harry mumbles - annoyed that he too could be having sex right now, but isn't.
Hermione pokes her head out from under the covers. “Have you signed my petition against Garden Gnome abuse yet, Harry? It’s a worthy endeavor.”
Harry pretends he can’t hear her. “If you felt the earth move a moment ago it wasn’t your prowess in the sack," he points out, "but half of your mums kitchen exploding.”
Ron looks confused and then startled and yelps, “Harry! Your hair is smoking.”
“Thank you.”
Ron’s second boot hits the door just after Harry closes it.
!
Harry looks everywhere for Draco; he searches all their local haunts and secret hideouts (even the place where Draco did that thing with his tongue that made Harry see, what he thought was Jesus, but turned out to be a unshaven Peeping Tom). He even asks the Garden Gnomes, but they just grunt and throw potatoes at him. Harry makes a mental note not to sign Hermione's petition. Then he fire-calls Blaise Zabini.
Zabini's slightly more communicative than the Garden Gnomes and he dosn’t throw things at Harry, but he looks like he wants to.
“He’s debasing himself,” he says in a salacious whisper and gives Harry an address.
Silly Pointless Interlude
Harry manages to lose a crowd of screaming girls on his way to the address Blaise has given him.
If Harry had a Knut for every time he's been squealed at in a public place he'd have 63 of the little bronze buggers. He knows this because his boyfriend is very exact about these things. Draco's even converted the sum into muggle money to prove he isn't prejudice, but Harry knows Draco's bitter because his current nickname for Harry is One-Pound-Two-P.
Dénouement
The first thing Harry notices when he walks through the door of the secluded warehouse is naked Draco, because, hello, naked Draco. The second thing Harry notices is Fred and George Weasley clinging to each other and cackling like hags.
"It's not what it looks like," George says quickly when he spots Harry by the door. He's suddenly pale and Harry's not surprised because he's pretty sure he's smoldering with murderous intent - or at least, his hair is.
"It's exactly what it looks like," Draco pipes up. He's hiding behind a glare and a wooded vat labelled Extendable Ears. "They're taking advantage of me in the worst way," he sniffles and Harry can see he's working himself up to a good old chin-wibble.
"Why, you little... not in a sex way, Harry," Fred splutters, hands raised in supplication.
"Yes, in a sex way," Draco says and Fred and George splutter together this time.
Harry gives Draco a look.
"Okay, that's not true," he admits. "But it could have been. I'm pretty irresistible when I'm naked."
It takes a while to get to the truth, but Draco comes clean after Harry bribes him with:
a) cuddles
b) a promise to avenge his compromised virtue
c) warm robes
d) a chocolate frog
That all negotiated, Draco says - "I've been helping the twins test their naked-making sex sweets so that they wouldn't tell you about my Puffskein called Harry that I forced mother to marry to my Puffskein called Draco. In my defense I was twelve and a bit weird on account of being raised by sociopathic Death Eaters."
Harry ponders this for a moment and then decides that they've all had quite enough non-sexual excitement for one day, and that it's time to go home. But not before forcing the twins to take a dose of their own medicine.
"Merlin, they're freckly all over - I did not need to know that," Draco whispers against Harry's neck.
Harry laughs and Disapparates them back to the burrow where they spend the evening doing all sorts of naughty things to each other - including that thing that Draco does with his tongue.
Later, whilst cuddling and stroking Draco's lovely skin, Harry reflects on his day. All in all it's been a win, he thinks. He's survived a killer egg timer, made up his mind about Garden Gnomes and learnt something new and adorable about his boyfriend. He even suspects there may be photographic evidence somewhere. He must remember to ask Narcissa. And he must dig out his scrapbook.
Betrayal - The Third
“This room is a disgrace Molly, darling. You really should think about getting in a couple of House-elves.”
“I’m sorry Narcissa, dear,” Molly snaps, her tone as black as the soot on her nose. “But you see, your husband blew away half of my kitchen trying to kill Harry and I haven’t gotten around to rebuilding it yet.”
“Men,” Narcissa says fondly. “Put the kettle on and I’ll tell you about the time Draco and Lucius sang a duet for the Slytherins last father and son gathering. I still have the photographs somewhere.”
The End
I'm sorry. But not nearly enough. *g*