Adventures in IUD rejection, etc. (MAY TRIGGER)
The following MAY TRIGGER due to graphic details of IUD problems.
So, last Monday, I had my nexplanon hormonal birth control arm implant removed, after a year and a half. It was making my acne much worse, and giving me really bad mood swings, worse depression and irritability, etc. I had decided to switch to paragard, which is a non-hormonal copper IUD (intra uterine device).
Instead of the usual plastic speculum, the doctor used a huge metal one, which was incredibly uncomfortable. I struggle just with a regular pelvic exam, so this was already off to a bad start. Then, as expected, they put a clamp on my cervix, and a tube inside to open my cervix. I'd already had my cervix clamped and opened once last year, when I had needed an endometrial biopsy due to abnormal bleeding, so I already knew how miserable that would be.
So, of course, the horrible sensation that my inner organs were going to be pulled out through my vagina, the horrible cramping and tugging. I hated to be a baby about it, but I kept crying and screaming.
Putting in the IUD took longer than the endometrial biopsy had taken, and I honestly was THIS CLOSE to telling them to just stop, that I couldn't handle it. They kept trying to cut the strings to the IUD short enough, but I just kept crying and screaming, sure I was dying. Finally, it was over.
But, once it was over, the horrible cramping didn't stop. I was doubled over in horrific pain, the worst cramps I'd ever had in my life. I was quite worried that something had actually gone horribly wrong, that maybe they'd perforated my uterus without realizing it, or something.
Eventually, I was able to get dressed and leave, barely able to walk due to the pain. My wifey brought me home, where I spent the night in bed watching Netflix and crying in pain.
The next day, Tuesday, I was not only continuing to have really bad cramps, but I also felt a terrible poking sensation in my vagina. I checked myself, and the strings were poking all the way out of my vagina, poking the skin outside there. I called the doctor, and they scheduled me to go back in Friday, so they could check the IUD and cut the strings shorter.
Wednesday, the poking sensation was much less, and the cramping was less. I walked to and from therapy, which was a total of roughly 3 miles. I had a really nice walk, playing Pokemon Go and enjoying seeing all the old houses in German Village, and being followed by a lot of ducks. But, by the time I got home, the cramps were back in full force, and I was miserable all evening.
Thursday, the cramps were really bad again, and the spotting I'd had all week had become heavier. Not dangerously heavy, by any means, but heavier than spotting. I did some housework, and then went to take a shower. Just before I got in the shower, the cramps became even stronger, and I had a really odd sensation in my vagina. I sat on the toilet, and when I put my hand between my legs, the string from the IUD was out much further than before. I slightly pulled it, and then I felt plastic poking my hand. Panicking, I yelled for my wifey. She put a towel on the bed and had me lie down. She took hold of the plastic and pulled, and the whole IUD came out in her hand, plastic and copper. Almost immediately after it came out, the cramping stopped. For the rest of the day, however, my vagina felt sore and bruised inside, which triggered thoughts of having been raped.
I went still went to my doctor's appointment Friday for the IUD recheck, and told the doctor what had happened. I took the IUD with me, just in case. She said my body had expelled it, which is apparently pretty rare, but not unheard of. Luckily, because I'd taken the IUD in with me, she didn't have to do another pelvic exam, because she was able to look at the IUD and see that my body had expelled the whole thing.
Now, however, the question was once again what to do for birth control. So, I went back to what I'd been considering before deciding on the non-hormonal IUD: tubal ligation, tube tying, permanent and irreversible birth control. I signed the papers, got the referral, and a depo provera birth control shot to hold me over until the surgery can be scheduled (medicaid requires at least a month's wait between signing the forms and the actual surgery, as sort of reparations for the past forced sterilizations of the disabled, poor, and minorities).
So, yeah. I've given up. Hormonal birth control is not a good option for me in the long-term, due to negative effects on my mood. I won't try an IUD again, not after the hell I spent this past week expelling the paragard. I don't want to use condoms every time I have sex involving my male partner. And my wifey has made it more than abundantly clear that she will never be okay with my male partner (her husband) helping me to have a baby. Even though he's made it clear he'd like to, and even though I miscarried his baby a couple of years ago after the pill failed me. We're polyamorous, but she's in charge, and yeah, I'm bitter and kinda don't think it's fair, but I accept it.
So I have resigned myself to not having a baby. I mean, what I always wanted anyway was to adopt, because the thought of pregnancy was repugnant to me. But, after realizing I'll never have the exorbitant money required to adopt, I started to consider pregnancy. And being with my wifey through her pregnancy with Nate made pregnancy much less repugnant to me. I'd still love and prefer adoption. But I still will never have the money required for home studies and other fees.
I'm a momo, though. I'm Nate's momo. And I'm my nephews' auntie. And I'm so grateful for Nate, Josh, and Gabe.
Maybe, at some point, I might look into foster care. There are so many kids who need someone to be there for them, even if only temporarily. And, I have read that if you foster a child who ends up going up for adoption, it is MUCH easier to adopt that child, and not so many ridiculous fees, if you end up in a foster-to-adopt situation. Of course, that may or may not happen. Probably wouldn't, knowing my luck.
Anyway.
So, yeah, I'll be having surgery to cut ruin my fallopian tubes at some point in the next few months. And, while I'm not exactly happy about this, and not exactly happy about what it means, I do almost feel a sense of relief. Relieved that the back-and-forth in my head will be over. Relieved that I won't find myself hoping against hope that maybe my wifey will change her mind and let Joe help me have a baby. Relieved that it will just be done irrevocably, so I can stop wishing things could change or be different. Relieved to have closure.
Besides, I'm nearly 37, and my health isn't great, and I don't know if I could even carry a baby to term, anyway.
I just want it to be over and done.
So, last Monday, I had my nexplanon hormonal birth control arm implant removed, after a year and a half. It was making my acne much worse, and giving me really bad mood swings, worse depression and irritability, etc. I had decided to switch to paragard, which is a non-hormonal copper IUD (intra uterine device).
Instead of the usual plastic speculum, the doctor used a huge metal one, which was incredibly uncomfortable. I struggle just with a regular pelvic exam, so this was already off to a bad start. Then, as expected, they put a clamp on my cervix, and a tube inside to open my cervix. I'd already had my cervix clamped and opened once last year, when I had needed an endometrial biopsy due to abnormal bleeding, so I already knew how miserable that would be.
So, of course, the horrible sensation that my inner organs were going to be pulled out through my vagina, the horrible cramping and tugging. I hated to be a baby about it, but I kept crying and screaming.
Putting in the IUD took longer than the endometrial biopsy had taken, and I honestly was THIS CLOSE to telling them to just stop, that I couldn't handle it. They kept trying to cut the strings to the IUD short enough, but I just kept crying and screaming, sure I was dying. Finally, it was over.
But, once it was over, the horrible cramping didn't stop. I was doubled over in horrific pain, the worst cramps I'd ever had in my life. I was quite worried that something had actually gone horribly wrong, that maybe they'd perforated my uterus without realizing it, or something.
Eventually, I was able to get dressed and leave, barely able to walk due to the pain. My wifey brought me home, where I spent the night in bed watching Netflix and crying in pain.
The next day, Tuesday, I was not only continuing to have really bad cramps, but I also felt a terrible poking sensation in my vagina. I checked myself, and the strings were poking all the way out of my vagina, poking the skin outside there. I called the doctor, and they scheduled me to go back in Friday, so they could check the IUD and cut the strings shorter.
Wednesday, the poking sensation was much less, and the cramping was less. I walked to and from therapy, which was a total of roughly 3 miles. I had a really nice walk, playing Pokemon Go and enjoying seeing all the old houses in German Village, and being followed by a lot of ducks. But, by the time I got home, the cramps were back in full force, and I was miserable all evening.
Thursday, the cramps were really bad again, and the spotting I'd had all week had become heavier. Not dangerously heavy, by any means, but heavier than spotting. I did some housework, and then went to take a shower. Just before I got in the shower, the cramps became even stronger, and I had a really odd sensation in my vagina. I sat on the toilet, and when I put my hand between my legs, the string from the IUD was out much further than before. I slightly pulled it, and then I felt plastic poking my hand. Panicking, I yelled for my wifey. She put a towel on the bed and had me lie down. She took hold of the plastic and pulled, and the whole IUD came out in her hand, plastic and copper. Almost immediately after it came out, the cramping stopped. For the rest of the day, however, my vagina felt sore and bruised inside, which triggered thoughts of having been raped.
I went still went to my doctor's appointment Friday for the IUD recheck, and told the doctor what had happened. I took the IUD with me, just in case. She said my body had expelled it, which is apparently pretty rare, but not unheard of. Luckily, because I'd taken the IUD in with me, she didn't have to do another pelvic exam, because she was able to look at the IUD and see that my body had expelled the whole thing.
Now, however, the question was once again what to do for birth control. So, I went back to what I'd been considering before deciding on the non-hormonal IUD: tubal ligation, tube tying, permanent and irreversible birth control. I signed the papers, got the referral, and a depo provera birth control shot to hold me over until the surgery can be scheduled (medicaid requires at least a month's wait between signing the forms and the actual surgery, as sort of reparations for the past forced sterilizations of the disabled, poor, and minorities).
So, yeah. I've given up. Hormonal birth control is not a good option for me in the long-term, due to negative effects on my mood. I won't try an IUD again, not after the hell I spent this past week expelling the paragard. I don't want to use condoms every time I have sex involving my male partner. And my wifey has made it more than abundantly clear that she will never be okay with my male partner (her husband) helping me to have a baby. Even though he's made it clear he'd like to, and even though I miscarried his baby a couple of years ago after the pill failed me. We're polyamorous, but she's in charge, and yeah, I'm bitter and kinda don't think it's fair, but I accept it.
So I have resigned myself to not having a baby. I mean, what I always wanted anyway was to adopt, because the thought of pregnancy was repugnant to me. But, after realizing I'll never have the exorbitant money required to adopt, I started to consider pregnancy. And being with my wifey through her pregnancy with Nate made pregnancy much less repugnant to me. I'd still love and prefer adoption. But I still will never have the money required for home studies and other fees.
I'm a momo, though. I'm Nate's momo. And I'm my nephews' auntie. And I'm so grateful for Nate, Josh, and Gabe.
Maybe, at some point, I might look into foster care. There are so many kids who need someone to be there for them, even if only temporarily. And, I have read that if you foster a child who ends up going up for adoption, it is MUCH easier to adopt that child, and not so many ridiculous fees, if you end up in a foster-to-adopt situation. Of course, that may or may not happen. Probably wouldn't, knowing my luck.
Anyway.
So, yeah, I'll be having surgery to cut ruin my fallopian tubes at some point in the next few months. And, while I'm not exactly happy about this, and not exactly happy about what it means, I do almost feel a sense of relief. Relieved that the back-and-forth in my head will be over. Relieved that I won't find myself hoping against hope that maybe my wifey will change her mind and let Joe help me have a baby. Relieved that it will just be done irrevocably, so I can stop wishing things could change or be different. Relieved to have closure.
Besides, I'm nearly 37, and my health isn't great, and I don't know if I could even carry a baby to term, anyway.
I just want it to be over and done.