I hurt her
Ok so I hurt her. Before that night, she was a good friend. After that night, she became my bestfriend. Let me explain the entire day and as to what I did to her and how she reacted:
Sunday morning, at 5am (fuck that shit) I followed Erin back down to Whittier. That is a good 90 min drive on an averaget of 75 mph in a 55 mph zone (also double fine). Followed her back down to her appartment/work and staied with her. I helped her take her things up to her appartment, just like a good friend would do.
After she got ready for work and her things where put away, I was about to go home. Erin wanted me to go on the cruise with her. I didn't have the money so I said NO. She said that she could get me on without having to pay. Her boss is cool, she goes to my mom's restaurant during the winter (when she don't work in Whittier). Kelly siad it was cool.
So I got to go on the cruise, dead tired. Vission fucked up, and drained beyond all reasons. I guess I dropped my guard a little because of this because Erin said something about it. I just told her I was tired....she didn't belive me.
We got back, cruise was cool. Saw some glaciers, sea otter, harbor seal, and porpuse. It was cool. The view was awsome. Glacier was a beautifull blue, and it was raining/cold. Saw the bigest casping of the season, so far. None of this was bad, it was really cool.
They had to change the oil on the boat. So I helped them clean, then sat in the cold for over 3 hours. It was windy and I was cold, tired, and emotionally dead. When all was done, it was cool. I helped them clean the oil that spilt and then we whent back to her appartment.
She took a shower and I was laying on the floor trying to get my back to pop so it would stop hurting. Most of her roommates were gone. Jeremmy and Sandy come back later that night.
About 9:30 pm we where in her room (she don't share room with any of her roommates) she kept pushing as to what was wrong. I kept saying I was tired. Then it got intence. I wouldn't back down and neither would she. She knew I was lieing to her. I told her that it wasn't her problem.
After contineously telling her that it was my problem, that I would deal with it in my own time....she was hella angry. She knew, that whatever it was, that it was bad, and it scared her. I was pacing her room, thinking of ways to get her out of my way. I could pick her up and toss her on to her bed, but she more than likely would have hit me in the face. (she was that angry) She knew that I wanted to hit something, or even her.
I finally gave up. I told her that I go thew phases, that all the shit that I burry deep within my weakening soul, resurfaces and slaps me in the face. It was bad, it always is when I get like this. The voice that whispers in the back of my mind to end my life has the strenght to scream and tear my appart inside. I told her this, and she lost it. She was crying, she was scared. I scared her so bad that she was saking. It wasn't no weak ass shaking it, it would be visable from 30 feet away. It was that bad.
I made her cry too. I didn't want to tell her my problems. They are mine and mine alone. None of my old friends were ever willing to help me. Chad would if he where here, but he is in college....and there is only so much one can do threw e-mail. But most of my friends would just be like: your on your own. Call me before you die.
Yeah, I got great friends....don't you think.
I don't even tell my family about these episodes. I tell no one, but she managed to get it out of me....
At one point we were staning and she was crying. I huged her and told her to stop. That I would be alright. That if I just went home that I would be ok. She refused to let me leave. To see her cry, or any of my friends for that matter, makes me cry. I remember holding her so close that her shaking shook me as well.
We were sitting on the bed and I wanted her to hate me. And believe me I tried. I begged her to hate me, to abandon me like everyone else does. That close friends scare the shit out of me. I desperatly tried to make her hate me, but she refused.
Somewhere along the line we were laying on the bed. Her arms were wrapped around me and she kept telling me that she wasn't going to let me leave. That she didn't care if I hit her, she would actually take a hit from me. I don't hit like a little girl, I hit like one of the guys.....and that scares me alot. I have a temper like a man, but a heart like a woman. So ....I don't know what I'm saying.
She didn't want me dring home in the state of mind that I was in. I never end my life. I have too many things undone that I can't leave unfinnished. I know this, I told her this. But she would not hear of it. She didn't want to wake up the next day and get a phone call that goes something like this:
Twin: Have you heard?
Her: No, what is it?
Twin: Keely died last night. On her way home she crashed her truck.
Her: That can't be....
Twin: She did it on puropse.
Her: ........I shouldn't have let her go home last night.....
Yeah, she didn't want that to happen. So she wouldn't let me go.
Anywho, I was laying on my stomach not looking at her. She was on her back with her arms around me, not letting me go. I kept telling her to hate me, and she alwasy refused. I told her I was going to make the 11 pm tunnel (that's the only way in and out, by land, from Whittier) and she said no.
She told me she didn't care if I went off and got stoned off my ass, just as long as I cam back. I could stay out till 5 am and she wouldn't care, I just had to come back. I could have gotten so drunk and she wouldn't care. Know this, SHE HATED DRUGS AND ME DRINKING!!!
She won in the end. She delt with my rage, my sorrow. I have never backed down for anyone. Not even my family. She is 1 of 3 friends that I think I know that would do that for me.
I was so exhausted that I just currled up right next to her and slept like a baby. She said she slept the same way, like a baby I mean.
I have now claimed her as my bestfriend, and she has claimed me as such too.
Sunday morning, at 5am (fuck that shit) I followed Erin back down to Whittier. That is a good 90 min drive on an averaget of 75 mph in a 55 mph zone (also double fine). Followed her back down to her appartment/work and staied with her. I helped her take her things up to her appartment, just like a good friend would do.
After she got ready for work and her things where put away, I was about to go home. Erin wanted me to go on the cruise with her. I didn't have the money so I said NO. She said that she could get me on without having to pay. Her boss is cool, she goes to my mom's restaurant during the winter (when she don't work in Whittier). Kelly siad it was cool.
So I got to go on the cruise, dead tired. Vission fucked up, and drained beyond all reasons. I guess I dropped my guard a little because of this because Erin said something about it. I just told her I was tired....she didn't belive me.
We got back, cruise was cool. Saw some glaciers, sea otter, harbor seal, and porpuse. It was cool. The view was awsome. Glacier was a beautifull blue, and it was raining/cold. Saw the bigest casping of the season, so far. None of this was bad, it was really cool.
They had to change the oil on the boat. So I helped them clean, then sat in the cold for over 3 hours. It was windy and I was cold, tired, and emotionally dead. When all was done, it was cool. I helped them clean the oil that spilt and then we whent back to her appartment.
She took a shower and I was laying on the floor trying to get my back to pop so it would stop hurting. Most of her roommates were gone. Jeremmy and Sandy come back later that night.
About 9:30 pm we where in her room (she don't share room with any of her roommates) she kept pushing as to what was wrong. I kept saying I was tired. Then it got intence. I wouldn't back down and neither would she. She knew I was lieing to her. I told her that it wasn't her problem.
After contineously telling her that it was my problem, that I would deal with it in my own time....she was hella angry. She knew, that whatever it was, that it was bad, and it scared her. I was pacing her room, thinking of ways to get her out of my way. I could pick her up and toss her on to her bed, but she more than likely would have hit me in the face. (she was that angry) She knew that I wanted to hit something, or even her.
I finally gave up. I told her that I go thew phases, that all the shit that I burry deep within my weakening soul, resurfaces and slaps me in the face. It was bad, it always is when I get like this. The voice that whispers in the back of my mind to end my life has the strenght to scream and tear my appart inside. I told her this, and she lost it. She was crying, she was scared. I scared her so bad that she was saking. It wasn't no weak ass shaking it, it would be visable from 30 feet away. It was that bad.
I made her cry too. I didn't want to tell her my problems. They are mine and mine alone. None of my old friends were ever willing to help me. Chad would if he where here, but he is in college....and there is only so much one can do threw e-mail. But most of my friends would just be like: your on your own. Call me before you die.
Yeah, I got great friends....don't you think.
I don't even tell my family about these episodes. I tell no one, but she managed to get it out of me....
At one point we were staning and she was crying. I huged her and told her to stop. That I would be alright. That if I just went home that I would be ok. She refused to let me leave. To see her cry, or any of my friends for that matter, makes me cry. I remember holding her so close that her shaking shook me as well.
We were sitting on the bed and I wanted her to hate me. And believe me I tried. I begged her to hate me, to abandon me like everyone else does. That close friends scare the shit out of me. I desperatly tried to make her hate me, but she refused.
Somewhere along the line we were laying on the bed. Her arms were wrapped around me and she kept telling me that she wasn't going to let me leave. That she didn't care if I hit her, she would actually take a hit from me. I don't hit like a little girl, I hit like one of the guys.....and that scares me alot. I have a temper like a man, but a heart like a woman. So ....I don't know what I'm saying.
She didn't want me dring home in the state of mind that I was in. I never end my life. I have too many things undone that I can't leave unfinnished. I know this, I told her this. But she would not hear of it. She didn't want to wake up the next day and get a phone call that goes something like this:
Twin: Have you heard?
Her: No, what is it?
Twin: Keely died last night. On her way home she crashed her truck.
Her: That can't be....
Twin: She did it on puropse.
Her: ........I shouldn't have let her go home last night.....
Yeah, she didn't want that to happen. So she wouldn't let me go.
Anywho, I was laying on my stomach not looking at her. She was on her back with her arms around me, not letting me go. I kept telling her to hate me, and she alwasy refused. I told her I was going to make the 11 pm tunnel (that's the only way in and out, by land, from Whittier) and she said no.
She told me she didn't care if I went off and got stoned off my ass, just as long as I cam back. I could stay out till 5 am and she wouldn't care, I just had to come back. I could have gotten so drunk and she wouldn't care. Know this, SHE HATED DRUGS AND ME DRINKING!!!
She won in the end. She delt with my rage, my sorrow. I have never backed down for anyone. Not even my family. She is 1 of 3 friends that I think I know that would do that for me.
I was so exhausted that I just currled up right next to her and slept like a baby. She said she slept the same way, like a baby I mean.
I have now claimed her as my bestfriend, and she has claimed me as such too.