entry: 10 'lands of Tar'
Sometimes I just have to sit and reflect. Wondering whats really worth it in the big picture. Sure having fun with a paintbrush, or a camera in hand is a great way to spend your time, but when you get down to it. How far can hobbies really take us? I often debate to myself, about that I'll never be good enough to ever get payed for it, or even playing music or the other things I riddle my mind with. So it comes down to, what then do I want to get good with? What ambition do I really have? I have been an entertainer for as long as I can remeber, learning how to do things to give people joy, to give a piece of my soul to everyone. I don't know that when people look at my art if they see more than what it is just a picture or a story told. Really I can't help but wonder if I should put everything down and just concentrate on one thing. To just have ambition in one thing. Though when I look back over what I've done nothing seems to shot out any louder than the next. I just put away my webcomic, for the night closed Adobe illustrator and gave a sigh. Yet all these ideas for things just fire through my head, I know deep down I want to create things. I want to build and let my imagination give life to things. Maybe its just because when I look back at my life, its really not somthing I'd really want to brag about, few accomplishments, and a lot of failures. I'm working in a dead in job and living somewhere I'd never want to live. I could move, and get another job try to gather that money to finish school to get a degree in video production. And then what? Would I really persue that, or would I just work with it like all the arts I do. Call it a hobby, my heart sings and I can never play along.
I suppose I've had a lot of harsh stuff go on these last few weeks, an empty chatroom where I use to put all my energy into, now seems like it futile, I walk away from Role-playing easily enough nothing seems to be left there anyways. I don't know if I even have a desire to continue. So I say to myself just curl up into a small ball Phactorri.. just let it all slip through your mind. Do what you tell others when they have problems. My friend Casey, passed away not to long ago. Heroin overdose, one of the guys I went to highschool with back in Ohio. Sort of put a lot a lot of things in perspective. A rich guy, seemed really stable, gave me my first skateboard. When you graduate from highschool, they make it out like there's this big grand world, a whole lot of oppertunities, but be advised to go to college and do what your heart tells you to do.. there's not right or wrong answer.. because this is America. Land of Opertunity.. land of dreams. Yet for your dreams to take flight you have to try so very hard you can't stop for a moment. They don't tell you that your dreams might be stupid, or that your really not cut out to do what you want to. They just say do what the hell you want. I really don't know how true that is. There are easy paths and there hard paths to take in life. The easy path is to give up.. forget about your dreams and go to school and get a degree in somthing that should be stable and hopfully after you graduate some nice company will hire you and you will work for the same man until you die doiong the same thing day after day until they get tired of your ass after fifty years of service and you take a shotgun to your head and spray your brains all over your studio apartment where everyone can see the hopes and dreams like Pollack-isque painting. Then there is the hard road of life. The road that slackers take, this is the road where you do what the hell you want to. You write fan-fiction no one is reading, you work flipping burgers and dream of drawing comics and aren't really that good but there's this guy you work with who thinks they are great. You play in a punk band always trying to go on tour but you get to the third city and can't afford the gas to make it home. You can never go home. Life eats you up, no matter how hard you try to do a great job, there is deep down nothing you can do. Either you get lucky and work your ass off and forget what you really want to do. Or you simply sleep in your own filth. I suppose there is a middle road. The middle road, the one we all try to take. The one that hurts a little, and time really isn't that great deep down cause your working on your little projects and also trying to work a job and go to school.. to make somthing for yourself. To get that degree in what ever you want to work in. To just simply be happy. Find that end of the line smile.. everything works out in the end.
Deep down thats the dream that keeps us all alive.. just whispering everything will work out. Because how can it not. We adjust and we survive. Hoping one day that we see the light of understanding. One day we finally catch that train the last stop.. we take a short breath... and we realize we did it. Thats what old age is like. Its why so many wrinkled smiles happen. sure there are some angry elderly citizens. But there are also the kindness in thier hearts. They did it. so can you. Just to keep hope alive.
Don't forget your dreams. They will miss you.
I suppose I've had a lot of harsh stuff go on these last few weeks, an empty chatroom where I use to put all my energy into, now seems like it futile, I walk away from Role-playing easily enough nothing seems to be left there anyways. I don't know if I even have a desire to continue. So I say to myself just curl up into a small ball Phactorri.. just let it all slip through your mind. Do what you tell others when they have problems. My friend Casey, passed away not to long ago. Heroin overdose, one of the guys I went to highschool with back in Ohio. Sort of put a lot a lot of things in perspective. A rich guy, seemed really stable, gave me my first skateboard. When you graduate from highschool, they make it out like there's this big grand world, a whole lot of oppertunities, but be advised to go to college and do what your heart tells you to do.. there's not right or wrong answer.. because this is America. Land of Opertunity.. land of dreams. Yet for your dreams to take flight you have to try so very hard you can't stop for a moment. They don't tell you that your dreams might be stupid, or that your really not cut out to do what you want to. They just say do what the hell you want. I really don't know how true that is. There are easy paths and there hard paths to take in life. The easy path is to give up.. forget about your dreams and go to school and get a degree in somthing that should be stable and hopfully after you graduate some nice company will hire you and you will work for the same man until you die doiong the same thing day after day until they get tired of your ass after fifty years of service and you take a shotgun to your head and spray your brains all over your studio apartment where everyone can see the hopes and dreams like Pollack-isque painting. Then there is the hard road of life. The road that slackers take, this is the road where you do what the hell you want to. You write fan-fiction no one is reading, you work flipping burgers and dream of drawing comics and aren't really that good but there's this guy you work with who thinks they are great. You play in a punk band always trying to go on tour but you get to the third city and can't afford the gas to make it home. You can never go home. Life eats you up, no matter how hard you try to do a great job, there is deep down nothing you can do. Either you get lucky and work your ass off and forget what you really want to do. Or you simply sleep in your own filth. I suppose there is a middle road. The middle road, the one we all try to take. The one that hurts a little, and time really isn't that great deep down cause your working on your little projects and also trying to work a job and go to school.. to make somthing for yourself. To get that degree in what ever you want to work in. To just simply be happy. Find that end of the line smile.. everything works out in the end.
Deep down thats the dream that keeps us all alive.. just whispering everything will work out. Because how can it not. We adjust and we survive. Hoping one day that we see the light of understanding. One day we finally catch that train the last stop.. we take a short breath... and we realize we did it. Thats what old age is like. Its why so many wrinkled smiles happen. sure there are some angry elderly citizens. But there are also the kindness in thier hearts. They did it. so can you. Just to keep hope alive.
Don't forget your dreams. They will miss you.