Blahdity blah
This ol' highway's getting longer
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night
I called the house but no one answered
For the last two weeks no one's been home
I guess she's through with me, to tell the truth I just can't see
What's kept the woman holding on this long
And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
The competition's getting younger
Tougher broncs, you know I can't recall
The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze
Seem to be the only friends I've left at all
And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old
I'm feeling sort of lousy. Both physically and mentally. My stomach's been bothering for a few hours and I've got a slight headache. Not too much fun. Add to that my exhaustion from overwork + lack of sleep, and you get a nice picture of where I am physically. Mentally, I've just been feeling sort of off all semester. It started out just initially where I felt out of place in my classes and at school. I knew a few people in two of my classes, but even around them I just felt sort of awkward and off. On top of this, I've had this feeling of worry and concern built up due to graduate schools and jobs and the future and everything. It's just anxiety city. Add to that the whole fact that I get gradually more depressed as I get into the year, particularly in the stretch from Valentine's Day to my birthday. Just not a whole lot of fun.
Addition to this anxiety came last weekend in the form of a letter from OU. I got rejected by their History Department for graduate studies. Not that graduate school was really my future anyways or that OU was for sure my top choice or anything, but rejection still doesn't feel good. The letter made it sound like they were really looking for people interested in their areas of specialty (Western US History and Native American History), and since I applied for European and Asian I didn't fit. I can't help but worry that I wasn't good enough though. That all my high grades, my membership in Phi Alpha Theta (History Honor Society), even my study abroad stuff, that all that wasn't enough. It's one of those things where you feel like you gave it your all, and then it just wasn't enough. And I know I'm probably overexaggerating in my head, but I can't help but worry. I haven't heard from UT, A&M, or Rice yet. I'm very concerned though. Rejection in any form tends to freak me out and make me anticipate rejection elsewhere. I'm now insanely worried about getting into the teacher certification program back home (even though I'm way overqualified for it), about getting a job somewhere. I'm just doubting myself 800 times more than usual.
Also, last night didn't help too much. Well it did and it didn't. It helped in that instead of being alone and feeling lousy by myself, I went out with Luke and Laura. It was nice to go out, talk, and come back and hang out. I do like spending time with my friends when there's a chance. Part of our discussion got to me though. We were talking about Valentine's Day, and Luke asked why we each thought we were single at this point. I made a joke answer initially, as I really didn't want to talk about it. When I did talk though, I was sort of honest. The reasons are threefold. First, the social anxiety is still inhibiting me alone. I get really stressed out about talking to people (particularly new people). On top of that, I have a really low self image (in my head, the only + is my intelligence, every other thing is a -). Put those two together, and you'll get why I shy away from people, why I don't meet as many people, why I don't really date. The second reason is that I'm just not attracted to a lot of people. This isn't a physical issue or about standards of beauty or whatever. There are a lot of girls out there that I find physically attractive. This is about the sort of personality and behavior that people exhibit. I don't get along personality-wise with most college kids. I'm a quiet guy who prefers the company of quiet and intelligent people. This rules out a lot of people. Not everyone mind you, as there are obviously quiet and intelligent people out there. It just seems that most of the people I encounter day to day at school (with the exception of friends) are just sort of loud and obnoxious. They are the people who are content to glide by barely passing, who are more concerned with the next party/social event/whatever than the class they are in. They lack a sort of seriousness or ambition. I don't know. I mean I'm being sort of broad and general here. I think most of my friends will get what I'm trying to convey though. The third reason I'm still single is that I haven't really been looking super hard. To be honest, I'm a little scared to look really hard for someone. I have this fear that she's just not out there, that maybe she doesn't even exist. I'm worried that if I start looking hard for her and I don't find her, I'm just going to get more depressed. Contrary to popular belief, the chase isn't the fun part of this whole thing. The chase is the part that drains you, leaves you feeling worthless and alone, leaves you without much hope.
So yeah, I'm not feeling terribly good as it is. The other thing is I'm really starting to feel like I'm old. I'm starting to feel this urgent need to get things done, like I don't have much time left. Maybe this is tied to something I heard in class the other day: once you get to a certain age, you're expected to be a drone for society for a certain period of time. I'm about to enter that time. I'm only a little ways away from being a teacher, from collecting a paycheck for a full-time position, from having to truly live on my own off my own means. I'm also getting to that age where people expect me to be dating seriously, to be making steps towards marriage and kids. I've said time and before that I'm not opposed to it; heck, I want it. It's still scary all the same, particularly when you know it could happen sooner rather than later (given the right circumstances). To be honest, I think I feel this way because I feel like I'm still a kid. I guess maybe it's the pressure building in the movement from somewhat dependent adult to fully independent adult. It's just sort of unnerving. It makes me feel old. It doesn't help that of the people I graduated from high school with I'm the only one graduating and moving on now (not that my friends are slow, I'm just crazily fast). It feels odd to be a step ahead in that regard. I don't know. Maybe I'm rambling. I just get this feeling like I'm old now, like time's running out or something. That's the main reason I copied those song lyrics above. I mean I'm much too young to feel this damn old.
I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I've got to work on the last major section of Survivor Flatland: the Tribal Council. I've got the backgrounds all set up. It's just a matter of taking the pictures, editing them, and putting it all together. My hope is (since this doesn't involve a whole lot of movement/real animation) that this will only take tomorrow and not Saturday as well. We'll see though. To be honest, I'll be glad to see this thing done. It's about as draining anymore as school is. I need a vacation.
Addendum: This was originally written at about 11:45 last night. My internet crapped out till this morning though, so it didn't get posted till now.
Seems there ain't no end in sight
To sleep would be best, but I just can't afford to rest
I've got to ride in Denver tomorrow night
I called the house but no one answered
For the last two weeks no one's been home
I guess she's through with me, to tell the truth I just can't see
What's kept the woman holding on this long
And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
The competition's getting younger
Tougher broncs, you know I can't recall
The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze
Seem to be the only friends I've left at all
And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting cold
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Lord, I'm much too young to feel this damn old
I'm feeling sort of lousy. Both physically and mentally. My stomach's been bothering for a few hours and I've got a slight headache. Not too much fun. Add to that my exhaustion from overwork + lack of sleep, and you get a nice picture of where I am physically. Mentally, I've just been feeling sort of off all semester. It started out just initially where I felt out of place in my classes and at school. I knew a few people in two of my classes, but even around them I just felt sort of awkward and off. On top of this, I've had this feeling of worry and concern built up due to graduate schools and jobs and the future and everything. It's just anxiety city. Add to that the whole fact that I get gradually more depressed as I get into the year, particularly in the stretch from Valentine's Day to my birthday. Just not a whole lot of fun.
Addition to this anxiety came last weekend in the form of a letter from OU. I got rejected by their History Department for graduate studies. Not that graduate school was really my future anyways or that OU was for sure my top choice or anything, but rejection still doesn't feel good. The letter made it sound like they were really looking for people interested in their areas of specialty (Western US History and Native American History), and since I applied for European and Asian I didn't fit. I can't help but worry that I wasn't good enough though. That all my high grades, my membership in Phi Alpha Theta (History Honor Society), even my study abroad stuff, that all that wasn't enough. It's one of those things where you feel like you gave it your all, and then it just wasn't enough. And I know I'm probably overexaggerating in my head, but I can't help but worry. I haven't heard from UT, A&M, or Rice yet. I'm very concerned though. Rejection in any form tends to freak me out and make me anticipate rejection elsewhere. I'm now insanely worried about getting into the teacher certification program back home (even though I'm way overqualified for it), about getting a job somewhere. I'm just doubting myself 800 times more than usual.
Also, last night didn't help too much. Well it did and it didn't. It helped in that instead of being alone and feeling lousy by myself, I went out with Luke and Laura. It was nice to go out, talk, and come back and hang out. I do like spending time with my friends when there's a chance. Part of our discussion got to me though. We were talking about Valentine's Day, and Luke asked why we each thought we were single at this point. I made a joke answer initially, as I really didn't want to talk about it. When I did talk though, I was sort of honest. The reasons are threefold. First, the social anxiety is still inhibiting me alone. I get really stressed out about talking to people (particularly new people). On top of that, I have a really low self image (in my head, the only + is my intelligence, every other thing is a -). Put those two together, and you'll get why I shy away from people, why I don't meet as many people, why I don't really date. The second reason is that I'm just not attracted to a lot of people. This isn't a physical issue or about standards of beauty or whatever. There are a lot of girls out there that I find physically attractive. This is about the sort of personality and behavior that people exhibit. I don't get along personality-wise with most college kids. I'm a quiet guy who prefers the company of quiet and intelligent people. This rules out a lot of people. Not everyone mind you, as there are obviously quiet and intelligent people out there. It just seems that most of the people I encounter day to day at school (with the exception of friends) are just sort of loud and obnoxious. They are the people who are content to glide by barely passing, who are more concerned with the next party/social event/whatever than the class they are in. They lack a sort of seriousness or ambition. I don't know. I mean I'm being sort of broad and general here. I think most of my friends will get what I'm trying to convey though. The third reason I'm still single is that I haven't really been looking super hard. To be honest, I'm a little scared to look really hard for someone. I have this fear that she's just not out there, that maybe she doesn't even exist. I'm worried that if I start looking hard for her and I don't find her, I'm just going to get more depressed. Contrary to popular belief, the chase isn't the fun part of this whole thing. The chase is the part that drains you, leaves you feeling worthless and alone, leaves you without much hope.
So yeah, I'm not feeling terribly good as it is. The other thing is I'm really starting to feel like I'm old. I'm starting to feel this urgent need to get things done, like I don't have much time left. Maybe this is tied to something I heard in class the other day: once you get to a certain age, you're expected to be a drone for society for a certain period of time. I'm about to enter that time. I'm only a little ways away from being a teacher, from collecting a paycheck for a full-time position, from having to truly live on my own off my own means. I'm also getting to that age where people expect me to be dating seriously, to be making steps towards marriage and kids. I've said time and before that I'm not opposed to it; heck, I want it. It's still scary all the same, particularly when you know it could happen sooner rather than later (given the right circumstances). To be honest, I think I feel this way because I feel like I'm still a kid. I guess maybe it's the pressure building in the movement from somewhat dependent adult to fully independent adult. It's just sort of unnerving. It makes me feel old. It doesn't help that of the people I graduated from high school with I'm the only one graduating and moving on now (not that my friends are slow, I'm just crazily fast). It feels odd to be a step ahead in that regard. I don't know. Maybe I'm rambling. I just get this feeling like I'm old now, like time's running out or something. That's the main reason I copied those song lyrics above. I mean I'm much too young to feel this damn old.
I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I've got to work on the last major section of Survivor Flatland: the Tribal Council. I've got the backgrounds all set up. It's just a matter of taking the pictures, editing them, and putting it all together. My hope is (since this doesn't involve a whole lot of movement/real animation) that this will only take tomorrow and not Saturday as well. We'll see though. To be honest, I'll be glad to see this thing done. It's about as draining anymore as school is. I need a vacation.
Addendum: This was originally written at about 11:45 last night. My internet crapped out till this morning though, so it didn't get posted till now.