Water Under The Bridge - chapter three
Title: Water Under The Bridge (chapter three)
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: PG
Summary: AU. Bella wasn't so uncharacteristically lucky when she jumped off the cliff.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight and New Moon. Up until Bella's dive in New Moon everything is canon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Part three
He doesn’t leave the hospital. He can’t because he promised not to leave her again. The doctor has been in to see her and his thoughts made him cringe. No chance of full recovery, none at all. He couldn’t be more to blame if he had pushed her off the cliff himself.
Edward hasn’t called Carlisle yet. Shame and guilt keep him from dialling the familiar number. His father had known that leaving Bella behind was a bad idea and he had warned Edward of the potential consequences for them both. He didn’t listen then and now he cannot speak.
That’s when he hears her. Alice. Come out here, Edward. We need to talk.
She is waiting for him in the parking lot, casually leaning against Carlisle’s Mercedes, her eyes hidden behind fashionable sunglasses. He stops in the entrance, eying her warily.
Did you bother to check the weather report? Today is going to be sunny. The parking lot will be flooded in sunlight in ten minutes, so stop being difficult and get over here now! She’s so angry that her thoughts tumble together. For a split second he considers getting back inside but as Dr. Cullen’s son he is well-known and the risk of being seen is too great. Bracing himself for whatever his favourite sister has to say, he makes his way over to her.
“Alice,” he greets her evenly. She only glares at him and gets into the car.
Stubborn, moronic bastard, she thinks, usually not one to resort to swearing, even in her thoughts. When he falters for a few seconds, she lets down the window and hisses, “Get in. I wasn’t kidding about the sun.” And really, the sky is only lightly clouded, the sun threatening to break through any minute.
He hasn’t closed the door when the engine roars to life. They are headed to their house because, as Alice informs him in her thoughts, they are going to shout at each other quite a bit and will need some privacy. Apart from her furious thoughts, she’s giving him the silent treatment. As if he needs this on top of everything else. Edward is sure that he cannot possibly feel worse than he already does. The sight of Bella being so battered, pale and broken will haunt him for the rest of his existence. And yet, after all he has done to her, she still loves him. It’s impossible, it should be, but he knows her well; she isn’t a good liar, so it has to be true.
They drive on in silence and Edward tries to black out Alice’s angry thoughts. They arrive at the house too soon for his taste. With a sigh, he gets out of the car and heads to the door. He turns around when he doesn’t hear his sister following him. Alice’s lips are pursed in disapproval and it’s as if she sees him, really looks at him, for the first time in months.
“You need to change, Edward. You look horrible,” she says after a long moment, her mind carefully blank.
He throws her a dark look. “Thanks. It’s good to see you, too.” Swiftly, he opens the door and within seconds he is in his room, rummaging in his hidden stash of clothes. They never leave one of their homes empty. Their world is a sinister and dangerous place and one has to be prepared for all eventualities.
His hands glide over the soft material of the shirt he wore on Bella’s first day in school. Edward hasn’t dreamt in over 80 years, so he cannot be sure, but this is what a nightmare must feel like. He desperately wants to wake up in the humid attic he spent the last couple of weeks in. At least then there was hope that she was unscathed and moderately happy. Numbly, he buttons the shirt and changes his pants. He doesn’t bother to look at his reflection or comb his hair because, really, what does it matter? His Bella is hurt, badly hurt, and he wasn’t there to protect her. Not only that but she did it for him, hurt herself only to hear his voice. He is undoubtedly the most pathetic creature in existence. His mind has been in a dark place for a long time now but he finds reality a thousand times worse, a hellish place that came up with something more horrible than any punishment he could have inflicted upon himself. And yet Bella is here and alive, a new Bella with guarded eyes and a hesitant smile; and he cannot bear to see the doubt in her face. But he must bear it because she wants him to stay, which is more than he deserves. He closes his eyes to recall their reunion.
As soon as he opened the door to her room her exquisite and unique scent washed over him, causing venom to gather under his tongue. Since the day they met, he has craved Bella’s blood but seeing her, smelling her delicious scent and hearing her voice after his long, self-imposed exile was the most excruciating pleasure. Yet, he would gladly spend eternity without ever setting eyes on her again, without so much as a memory, if this could make her whole again. A dry sob shakes his immoveable body.
“Edward, stop beating yourself up for a minute and let me do that for you,” Alice snarls from downstairs. Defiance and anger rear their heads and Edward is downstairs within the blink of an eye, facing his sister with narrowed eyes.
“You have no right --”
“I have every right!” Alice interrupts him sharply. “I’ve kept my mouth shut since we left Forks and only because Carlisle asked me to, but no more, Edward!” Her eyes are hard and determined. “Now you listen! We left because you wanted us to and we did so against our better judgement. I tried to talk to you the day after the birthday party, but you knew better, you always know better, right? And where did it get her?” Edward flinches, pressing his lips firmly together. It would hurt if he was human but the only pain he can feel now is internal.
“Where did it get you and the rest of the family? How about our parents?” Alice goes on, gesturing wildly. “Esme is worried out of her mind and Carlisle starts brooding whenever your name comes up, wondering if he did the right thing in letting you make your own mistakes. Yes, he knew it was a mistake, we all did, and you know why?” Alice stops her tirade and only thinks the next words. Because we know what it is like to be in love. Because we haven’t just been reading about it for the last century.
Edward hisses defensively. “Bella is different. She is human.”
“We all were at one point. And you’re doing it again.”
“What?” Edward snaps, his temper spiralling higher and higher.
“Patronising me. Patronising her. Relationships don’t work like that. You can’t have one who makes all the decisions because he thinks he knows better.”
“Her choice would be to throw away her soul, her life,” Edward thunders.
“But it is her soul and her life,” Alice shouts back. “You might not like yourself very much, Edward, but she adores you and worships the ground you walk on. Can you really blame her for wanting to be your equal?”
“Yes, because we’re soulless monsters, Alice. She is better off --”
“DEAD?” Alice yells, her eyes blazing and her pretty face distorted with fury. “You’re such a stubborn, stubborn idiot.”
For a moment, Edward is blinded by his fury and the next thing he knows the couch is crashing into the wall behind him.
“I’m glad you threw the couch instead of me or, heaven forbids, the TV Emmett loves so much,” Alice comments, her voice dripping with acid. She is so tiny and yet, she can rile him like no other. They don’t share the same blood, they don’t even have blood in their veins, but somehow she took the place reserved for the sister he never had, the baby his mother lost when he was ten. Oh Edward, look at you. Her pity pervades his fury and leaves him defenceless.
“What do you want, Alice? What am I supposed to do now?” Edward asks, deflated.
“Trust Bella to make a few educated decisions of her own. Trust your family to understand what you’re going through and trust yourself to deserve her.” Alice’s hand is on his arm the second he needs someone to steady him.
Deserving her - what a ridiculous concept. “I failed her,” he whispers.
“Yes, but she’s willing to forgive you.”
Forgiveness. Redemption. Things he considered impossible for the longest time. Bella changed that with her trusting eyes and her big heart, which, mercifully, is still beating. He will make sure to keep it that way. Bella will live.
Alice groans beside him, her eyes distant from a vision. You’re kidding me. “Are you insane?” she asks only seconds later.
“What?”
“Have you listened to anything I said just now? You’re doing it again. If you stick to that decision you’ll make her and yourself unhappy. You want to share eternity with her, she wants to share eternity with you, so what is the damn problem?” Alice seethes.
Edward gives her an incredulous look. “How many people have you changed, Alice? What do you know about the process?”
“Huh?” Alice looks nonplussed.
“Aside from the not insignificant matter of her soul, there is no guarantee that she will heal. Esme did but she was dying and Carlisle bit her immediately. Bella’s injury is severe but she is alive and she’s been in hospital for three days now. Her body is healing as we speak. Do you want her to spend eternity in a wheelchair? Are you willing to risk it?”
“Are you willing to let her make this decision for herself?” Alice counters.
Edward growls in frustration. “No, I’m not. She’s eighteen, she doesn’t know what she is getting into!”
“You were seventeen when Carlisle changed you. Would you rather be dead?” Alice’s grip around his arm tightens and he can see that she really wants to shake him. Don’t be such a fool, Edward. She loves you more than anything. At least consider the possibility to make her one of us - it is the right thing to do - and I will finally be able to see how things turn out.
“I won’t gamble with her life,” Edward grits out. Why can’t she see that he’s not worth such a sacrifice? Such a risk?
“Fine, be like that,” Alice snarls. “But I can assure you that we won’t play along this time. I called Carlisle while you were sitting with Bella. We will not return and continue this charade.”
It’s a slap in the face. “What?” he asks, incredulous.
“The others will stay where they are, Edward,” Alice says and her thoughts betray how much she struggles with these words. Edward whips out his cell phone and dials Carlisle’s number, all feelings of shame and guilt forgotten for the moment. After three rings, his father answers.
“Edward, how are you?” is his first question.
“There will be time for pleasantries afterwards but I need to know first. Will the family return to Forks or won’t they?” Edward says, his voice cold and businesslike. Alice rolls her eyes and goes about separating wall and couch.
Carlisle sighs at the other end. “Not for the moment. You’ve been in a dark place, Edward, because of your decision to leave Bella. Now you have her back and Alice tells me you plan on staying with her. Considering the severity of her injury there is only one possible road you can take.”
“No, no, no!” Edward protests, straining to keep his voice down. “Bella stays human. She is not dying, she’s alive. You’re all so very quick to damn her to our existence.”
“She might heal but she’s never going to recover from the fall. Edward, do I have to remind you of the aftereffects? Is her bladder functioning? How’s her skin? Are there already pressure sores?”
“You’re the doctor,” Edward growls. “Do you condemn every paralysed patient to death?”
“No, Edward. Life is valuable and if there was no alternative, she would get used to this life and find joy in it. But you will be around her and your very presence will remind her of what could be,” Carlisle states, his voice sombre. “Humans are blinded by our beauty and our strength and we are blessed in this respect, no matter what you think. But Bella saw the thirst and the violence, too, and she would still choose our life.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Alice saw her asking you. She couldn’t see a clear response on your part.”
“What if the change didn’t make her whole? What then, Carlisle?” Edward asks, cornered.
“There is no precedent for this, I’m afraid,” Carlisle admits after a pause. “But chances are --”
“I’M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES WITH BELLA!” Edward roars. Nearly blind with fury, he throws the cell phone away but, so quick that her movements are a blur, Alice is there and catches it before it hits the wall. Now, that would have been really helpful, Edward. Carlisle is not taking this lightly, you should know. You’re acting like the seventeen-year-old you insist not to be.
Edward stomps his foot in frustration and suddenly the desire to be alone is overwhelming. He needs to be away from his interfering family, from their intrusive thoughts and their ever-present pity. Without giving her another look, he stalks out of the house and starts running as soon as the door falls shut behind him.
***
It feels good to be in motion. Faster, faster, the wind rushing in his ears, loud and rhythmic like the blood that used to run through his veins so long ago. Running means feeling alive and freed of all ties. He nearly forgot how deep the woods around Forks are, how pristine and untamed. Trees, rocks and landscape are flying by as he tries to outrun his fervently working mind. At times like these, Edward wishes he could get lost in the woods like a human. But he always remembers the way; it is etched into his brain, even if he closes his eyes. He smells the trees, the wind and everything that creeps and flies. It’s a curse, the way he can think about several things at the same time, the way he is always aware. Is it the mind of a genius or a monster? Most of the time he hasn’t had any doubt that it’s the latter. Bella changed this. Bella, lying in hospital, weak and injured. His mind is replaying the scenes over and over again like a broken record. It’s surprising that not more of his kind are insane - the way they can obsess over something is truly terrifying. And there is no sleep to rest his thoughts, to relax his busy mind. A continuous conscience, day and night running into each other until time is nothing but a huge chasm to be filled.
Bella, Bella, Bella, the forest seems to whisper. She’s in every leaf, in every breath. If only he was worthy of her. He exhilarates until the primal surroundings are just a blur in the corner of his eyes.
A small part of him is crowing in triumph that she has not moved on, that she still loves him. The bigger, more conscious part feels contempt and disgust for even allowing himself to think these thoughts. Bella, his beautiful, precious Bella, is broken and how can he let himself feel some kind of perverted pleasure at the thought of what drove her off the cliff? He’s a monster all right.
While fighting the urge to return to Forks during his time in South America, he had imagined a catastrophe that would give him a reason, a feeble excuse to return to her and never leave her side again. He had closed his eyes and created every possible scenario while the air was throbbing around him with humidity. And then Fortuna turned her wheel and his despicable wish was granted. Now he has to live with the guilt surrounding him like a worn cloak, familiar and yet strangely heavy with the latest layer of self-disgust.
What if...what if...The words torment him. The world of possibilities behind these two syllables makes his head spin. What if Bella wants to become one of them, still? He promised himself always to catch her - shall he grant her wish now that she is no longer able to stumble? He never considered this so openly, not even in the privacy of his thoughts, and the enormity stops him in his tracks. He comes to a halt so quickly that he nearly falls. But then, he fell a very long time ago.
The sudden silence, now that the wind no longer rushes in his ears, sobers him. What a damnable idea! Bella is in this mess on account of him, so he should strive to make it better, not plan her demise. As much as he might crave her to be his eternal companion, he cannot take her most precious possession - her life.
Edward pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to control his temper. He thought she would be safe, so safe. Far away from his world - what could possibly go wrong? Leaving her has been the hardest thing he’s ever done, apart from walking into that hospital room and seeing her like this, pale and wary of him, him of all the people! A snarl escapes his lips. All it accomplished was Bella getting hurt - the very person he would gladly die for if he wasn’t dead already. Angry with himself, he slams his fist into the nearest tree. It wavers and, with a deafening crunch, it caves in and hits the forest ground, bending and breaking several younger trees and bushes on the way down. An aisle of destruction in the middle of paradise. But no, it isn’t a safe haven for them, not anymore.
The werewolves are back and he must be concerned about this. Does the new pack know of the treaty and will they honour it? Are he and Alice being watched already? How many of them are there? All valid points he needs to speak about with his sister. He stood right beside Carlisle when he negotiated the terms of the treaty that secured their getting-along. All of this is now in danger and he sadly lacks his father’s patience to deal with these adolescent mongrels. But it’s not what rankles him predominantly.
The mere thought of Jacob Black possibly being with Bella this very minute makes Edward clench his hands to fists and elicits an angry snarl from deep inside his tense body. The need to be with her and protect her grows too strong to be ignored much longer. She has a pull on him, this fragile human girl, and her gentle ties are indestructible. His feet start moving before he knows it.
Bella, Bella, Bella, the wind starts chanting again and he loses himself in the sound.
***
A new voice has joined his sister’s when he arrives at the house. Carlisle is here. Carlisle?
Edward doesn’t know what to make of this and tarries half a mile from the house. The head of their little family never lies to them, so why would he deceive him about their return to Forks? And why has he not told him on the phone?
No longer hesitant, he moves quickly into the house, following Carlisle’s and Alice’s minds as well as their scent. They are waiting for him in Carlisle’s study, both quiet and wary of his state of mind.
“Edward, come in,” Carlisle says when he stops in the door. I was about to tell you when you ended our call prematurely.
Edward nods contritely and takes a seat next to Alice. “Why have you changed your mind?”
“I haven’t.” Carlisle sighs. “But my decision is not based on indifference towards Bella. Esme and the others are staying where they are but I’m here to examine Bella and renew the contract with the Quileute.”
How could he have doubted Carlisle? Shame engulfs him and Edward feels sick of himself. A tiny hand sneaks into his before he can ball it into a fist. When he looks up, Alice smiles at him reassuringly. Her golden eyes are understanding and full of compassion. All of a sudden, it’s too much. He doesn’t deserve their kindness and patience anymore, not after all they’ve been through because of him. Something inside him cracks and he has to look away before he makes a fool of himself.
Carlisle’s inner voice penetrates the wall he has been keeping around his family since the day he left Forks. You’re not alone in this, my son. But we’re no longer willing to watch you suffer. It’s time to accept that some things are inevitable.
“Not this,” Edward grits out, long pent-up emotions threatening to overwhelm him any second now. “Not this.”
...to be continued
***
Comments make Edward see the light!
***
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: PG
Summary: AU. Bella wasn't so uncharacteristically lucky when she jumped off the cliff.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight and New Moon. Up until Bella's dive in New Moon everything is canon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Part three
He doesn’t leave the hospital. He can’t because he promised not to leave her again. The doctor has been in to see her and his thoughts made him cringe. No chance of full recovery, none at all. He couldn’t be more to blame if he had pushed her off the cliff himself.
Edward hasn’t called Carlisle yet. Shame and guilt keep him from dialling the familiar number. His father had known that leaving Bella behind was a bad idea and he had warned Edward of the potential consequences for them both. He didn’t listen then and now he cannot speak.
That’s when he hears her. Alice. Come out here, Edward. We need to talk.
She is waiting for him in the parking lot, casually leaning against Carlisle’s Mercedes, her eyes hidden behind fashionable sunglasses. He stops in the entrance, eying her warily.
Did you bother to check the weather report? Today is going to be sunny. The parking lot will be flooded in sunlight in ten minutes, so stop being difficult and get over here now! She’s so angry that her thoughts tumble together. For a split second he considers getting back inside but as Dr. Cullen’s son he is well-known and the risk of being seen is too great. Bracing himself for whatever his favourite sister has to say, he makes his way over to her.
“Alice,” he greets her evenly. She only glares at him and gets into the car.
Stubborn, moronic bastard, she thinks, usually not one to resort to swearing, even in her thoughts. When he falters for a few seconds, she lets down the window and hisses, “Get in. I wasn’t kidding about the sun.” And really, the sky is only lightly clouded, the sun threatening to break through any minute.
He hasn’t closed the door when the engine roars to life. They are headed to their house because, as Alice informs him in her thoughts, they are going to shout at each other quite a bit and will need some privacy. Apart from her furious thoughts, she’s giving him the silent treatment. As if he needs this on top of everything else. Edward is sure that he cannot possibly feel worse than he already does. The sight of Bella being so battered, pale and broken will haunt him for the rest of his existence. And yet, after all he has done to her, she still loves him. It’s impossible, it should be, but he knows her well; she isn’t a good liar, so it has to be true.
They drive on in silence and Edward tries to black out Alice’s angry thoughts. They arrive at the house too soon for his taste. With a sigh, he gets out of the car and heads to the door. He turns around when he doesn’t hear his sister following him. Alice’s lips are pursed in disapproval and it’s as if she sees him, really looks at him, for the first time in months.
“You need to change, Edward. You look horrible,” she says after a long moment, her mind carefully blank.
He throws her a dark look. “Thanks. It’s good to see you, too.” Swiftly, he opens the door and within seconds he is in his room, rummaging in his hidden stash of clothes. They never leave one of their homes empty. Their world is a sinister and dangerous place and one has to be prepared for all eventualities.
His hands glide over the soft material of the shirt he wore on Bella’s first day in school. Edward hasn’t dreamt in over 80 years, so he cannot be sure, but this is what a nightmare must feel like. He desperately wants to wake up in the humid attic he spent the last couple of weeks in. At least then there was hope that she was unscathed and moderately happy. Numbly, he buttons the shirt and changes his pants. He doesn’t bother to look at his reflection or comb his hair because, really, what does it matter? His Bella is hurt, badly hurt, and he wasn’t there to protect her. Not only that but she did it for him, hurt herself only to hear his voice. He is undoubtedly the most pathetic creature in existence. His mind has been in a dark place for a long time now but he finds reality a thousand times worse, a hellish place that came up with something more horrible than any punishment he could have inflicted upon himself. And yet Bella is here and alive, a new Bella with guarded eyes and a hesitant smile; and he cannot bear to see the doubt in her face. But he must bear it because she wants him to stay, which is more than he deserves. He closes his eyes to recall their reunion.
As soon as he opened the door to her room her exquisite and unique scent washed over him, causing venom to gather under his tongue. Since the day they met, he has craved Bella’s blood but seeing her, smelling her delicious scent and hearing her voice after his long, self-imposed exile was the most excruciating pleasure. Yet, he would gladly spend eternity without ever setting eyes on her again, without so much as a memory, if this could make her whole again. A dry sob shakes his immoveable body.
“Edward, stop beating yourself up for a minute and let me do that for you,” Alice snarls from downstairs. Defiance and anger rear their heads and Edward is downstairs within the blink of an eye, facing his sister with narrowed eyes.
“You have no right --”
“I have every right!” Alice interrupts him sharply. “I’ve kept my mouth shut since we left Forks and only because Carlisle asked me to, but no more, Edward!” Her eyes are hard and determined. “Now you listen! We left because you wanted us to and we did so against our better judgement. I tried to talk to you the day after the birthday party, but you knew better, you always know better, right? And where did it get her?” Edward flinches, pressing his lips firmly together. It would hurt if he was human but the only pain he can feel now is internal.
“Where did it get you and the rest of the family? How about our parents?” Alice goes on, gesturing wildly. “Esme is worried out of her mind and Carlisle starts brooding whenever your name comes up, wondering if he did the right thing in letting you make your own mistakes. Yes, he knew it was a mistake, we all did, and you know why?” Alice stops her tirade and only thinks the next words. Because we know what it is like to be in love. Because we haven’t just been reading about it for the last century.
Edward hisses defensively. “Bella is different. She is human.”
“We all were at one point. And you’re doing it again.”
“What?” Edward snaps, his temper spiralling higher and higher.
“Patronising me. Patronising her. Relationships don’t work like that. You can’t have one who makes all the decisions because he thinks he knows better.”
“Her choice would be to throw away her soul, her life,” Edward thunders.
“But it is her soul and her life,” Alice shouts back. “You might not like yourself very much, Edward, but she adores you and worships the ground you walk on. Can you really blame her for wanting to be your equal?”
“Yes, because we’re soulless monsters, Alice. She is better off --”
“DEAD?” Alice yells, her eyes blazing and her pretty face distorted with fury. “You’re such a stubborn, stubborn idiot.”
For a moment, Edward is blinded by his fury and the next thing he knows the couch is crashing into the wall behind him.
“I’m glad you threw the couch instead of me or, heaven forbids, the TV Emmett loves so much,” Alice comments, her voice dripping with acid. She is so tiny and yet, she can rile him like no other. They don’t share the same blood, they don’t even have blood in their veins, but somehow she took the place reserved for the sister he never had, the baby his mother lost when he was ten. Oh Edward, look at you. Her pity pervades his fury and leaves him defenceless.
“What do you want, Alice? What am I supposed to do now?” Edward asks, deflated.
“Trust Bella to make a few educated decisions of her own. Trust your family to understand what you’re going through and trust yourself to deserve her.” Alice’s hand is on his arm the second he needs someone to steady him.
Deserving her - what a ridiculous concept. “I failed her,” he whispers.
“Yes, but she’s willing to forgive you.”
Forgiveness. Redemption. Things he considered impossible for the longest time. Bella changed that with her trusting eyes and her big heart, which, mercifully, is still beating. He will make sure to keep it that way. Bella will live.
Alice groans beside him, her eyes distant from a vision. You’re kidding me. “Are you insane?” she asks only seconds later.
“What?”
“Have you listened to anything I said just now? You’re doing it again. If you stick to that decision you’ll make her and yourself unhappy. You want to share eternity with her, she wants to share eternity with you, so what is the damn problem?” Alice seethes.
Edward gives her an incredulous look. “How many people have you changed, Alice? What do you know about the process?”
“Huh?” Alice looks nonplussed.
“Aside from the not insignificant matter of her soul, there is no guarantee that she will heal. Esme did but she was dying and Carlisle bit her immediately. Bella’s injury is severe but she is alive and she’s been in hospital for three days now. Her body is healing as we speak. Do you want her to spend eternity in a wheelchair? Are you willing to risk it?”
“Are you willing to let her make this decision for herself?” Alice counters.
Edward growls in frustration. “No, I’m not. She’s eighteen, she doesn’t know what she is getting into!”
“You were seventeen when Carlisle changed you. Would you rather be dead?” Alice’s grip around his arm tightens and he can see that she really wants to shake him. Don’t be such a fool, Edward. She loves you more than anything. At least consider the possibility to make her one of us - it is the right thing to do - and I will finally be able to see how things turn out.
“I won’t gamble with her life,” Edward grits out. Why can’t she see that he’s not worth such a sacrifice? Such a risk?
“Fine, be like that,” Alice snarls. “But I can assure you that we won’t play along this time. I called Carlisle while you were sitting with Bella. We will not return and continue this charade.”
It’s a slap in the face. “What?” he asks, incredulous.
“The others will stay where they are, Edward,” Alice says and her thoughts betray how much she struggles with these words. Edward whips out his cell phone and dials Carlisle’s number, all feelings of shame and guilt forgotten for the moment. After three rings, his father answers.
“Edward, how are you?” is his first question.
“There will be time for pleasantries afterwards but I need to know first. Will the family return to Forks or won’t they?” Edward says, his voice cold and businesslike. Alice rolls her eyes and goes about separating wall and couch.
Carlisle sighs at the other end. “Not for the moment. You’ve been in a dark place, Edward, because of your decision to leave Bella. Now you have her back and Alice tells me you plan on staying with her. Considering the severity of her injury there is only one possible road you can take.”
“No, no, no!” Edward protests, straining to keep his voice down. “Bella stays human. She is not dying, she’s alive. You’re all so very quick to damn her to our existence.”
“She might heal but she’s never going to recover from the fall. Edward, do I have to remind you of the aftereffects? Is her bladder functioning? How’s her skin? Are there already pressure sores?”
“You’re the doctor,” Edward growls. “Do you condemn every paralysed patient to death?”
“No, Edward. Life is valuable and if there was no alternative, she would get used to this life and find joy in it. But you will be around her and your very presence will remind her of what could be,” Carlisle states, his voice sombre. “Humans are blinded by our beauty and our strength and we are blessed in this respect, no matter what you think. But Bella saw the thirst and the violence, too, and she would still choose our life.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Alice saw her asking you. She couldn’t see a clear response on your part.”
“What if the change didn’t make her whole? What then, Carlisle?” Edward asks, cornered.
“There is no precedent for this, I’m afraid,” Carlisle admits after a pause. “But chances are --”
“I’M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES WITH BELLA!” Edward roars. Nearly blind with fury, he throws the cell phone away but, so quick that her movements are a blur, Alice is there and catches it before it hits the wall. Now, that would have been really helpful, Edward. Carlisle is not taking this lightly, you should know. You’re acting like the seventeen-year-old you insist not to be.
Edward stomps his foot in frustration and suddenly the desire to be alone is overwhelming. He needs to be away from his interfering family, from their intrusive thoughts and their ever-present pity. Without giving her another look, he stalks out of the house and starts running as soon as the door falls shut behind him.
***
It feels good to be in motion. Faster, faster, the wind rushing in his ears, loud and rhythmic like the blood that used to run through his veins so long ago. Running means feeling alive and freed of all ties. He nearly forgot how deep the woods around Forks are, how pristine and untamed. Trees, rocks and landscape are flying by as he tries to outrun his fervently working mind. At times like these, Edward wishes he could get lost in the woods like a human. But he always remembers the way; it is etched into his brain, even if he closes his eyes. He smells the trees, the wind and everything that creeps and flies. It’s a curse, the way he can think about several things at the same time, the way he is always aware. Is it the mind of a genius or a monster? Most of the time he hasn’t had any doubt that it’s the latter. Bella changed this. Bella, lying in hospital, weak and injured. His mind is replaying the scenes over and over again like a broken record. It’s surprising that not more of his kind are insane - the way they can obsess over something is truly terrifying. And there is no sleep to rest his thoughts, to relax his busy mind. A continuous conscience, day and night running into each other until time is nothing but a huge chasm to be filled.
Bella, Bella, Bella, the forest seems to whisper. She’s in every leaf, in every breath. If only he was worthy of her. He exhilarates until the primal surroundings are just a blur in the corner of his eyes.
A small part of him is crowing in triumph that she has not moved on, that she still loves him. The bigger, more conscious part feels contempt and disgust for even allowing himself to think these thoughts. Bella, his beautiful, precious Bella, is broken and how can he let himself feel some kind of perverted pleasure at the thought of what drove her off the cliff? He’s a monster all right.
While fighting the urge to return to Forks during his time in South America, he had imagined a catastrophe that would give him a reason, a feeble excuse to return to her and never leave her side again. He had closed his eyes and created every possible scenario while the air was throbbing around him with humidity. And then Fortuna turned her wheel and his despicable wish was granted. Now he has to live with the guilt surrounding him like a worn cloak, familiar and yet strangely heavy with the latest layer of self-disgust.
What if...what if...The words torment him. The world of possibilities behind these two syllables makes his head spin. What if Bella wants to become one of them, still? He promised himself always to catch her - shall he grant her wish now that she is no longer able to stumble? He never considered this so openly, not even in the privacy of his thoughts, and the enormity stops him in his tracks. He comes to a halt so quickly that he nearly falls. But then, he fell a very long time ago.
The sudden silence, now that the wind no longer rushes in his ears, sobers him. What a damnable idea! Bella is in this mess on account of him, so he should strive to make it better, not plan her demise. As much as he might crave her to be his eternal companion, he cannot take her most precious possession - her life.
Edward pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to control his temper. He thought she would be safe, so safe. Far away from his world - what could possibly go wrong? Leaving her has been the hardest thing he’s ever done, apart from walking into that hospital room and seeing her like this, pale and wary of him, him of all the people! A snarl escapes his lips. All it accomplished was Bella getting hurt - the very person he would gladly die for if he wasn’t dead already. Angry with himself, he slams his fist into the nearest tree. It wavers and, with a deafening crunch, it caves in and hits the forest ground, bending and breaking several younger trees and bushes on the way down. An aisle of destruction in the middle of paradise. But no, it isn’t a safe haven for them, not anymore.
The werewolves are back and he must be concerned about this. Does the new pack know of the treaty and will they honour it? Are he and Alice being watched already? How many of them are there? All valid points he needs to speak about with his sister. He stood right beside Carlisle when he negotiated the terms of the treaty that secured their getting-along. All of this is now in danger and he sadly lacks his father’s patience to deal with these adolescent mongrels. But it’s not what rankles him predominantly.
The mere thought of Jacob Black possibly being with Bella this very minute makes Edward clench his hands to fists and elicits an angry snarl from deep inside his tense body. The need to be with her and protect her grows too strong to be ignored much longer. She has a pull on him, this fragile human girl, and her gentle ties are indestructible. His feet start moving before he knows it.
Bella, Bella, Bella, the wind starts chanting again and he loses himself in the sound.
***
A new voice has joined his sister’s when he arrives at the house. Carlisle is here. Carlisle?
Edward doesn’t know what to make of this and tarries half a mile from the house. The head of their little family never lies to them, so why would he deceive him about their return to Forks? And why has he not told him on the phone?
No longer hesitant, he moves quickly into the house, following Carlisle’s and Alice’s minds as well as their scent. They are waiting for him in Carlisle’s study, both quiet and wary of his state of mind.
“Edward, come in,” Carlisle says when he stops in the door. I was about to tell you when you ended our call prematurely.
Edward nods contritely and takes a seat next to Alice. “Why have you changed your mind?”
“I haven’t.” Carlisle sighs. “But my decision is not based on indifference towards Bella. Esme and the others are staying where they are but I’m here to examine Bella and renew the contract with the Quileute.”
How could he have doubted Carlisle? Shame engulfs him and Edward feels sick of himself. A tiny hand sneaks into his before he can ball it into a fist. When he looks up, Alice smiles at him reassuringly. Her golden eyes are understanding and full of compassion. All of a sudden, it’s too much. He doesn’t deserve their kindness and patience anymore, not after all they’ve been through because of him. Something inside him cracks and he has to look away before he makes a fool of himself.
Carlisle’s inner voice penetrates the wall he has been keeping around his family since the day he left Forks. You’re not alone in this, my son. But we’re no longer willing to watch you suffer. It’s time to accept that some things are inevitable.
“Not this,” Edward grits out, long pent-up emotions threatening to overwhelm him any second now. “Not this.”
...to be continued
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Comments make Edward see the light!
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