Water Under The Bridge - chapter two
Title: Water Under The Bridge (chapter two)
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: PG
Summary: AU. Bella wasn't so uncharacteristically lucky when she jumped off the cliff.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight and New Moon. Up until Bella's dive in New Moon everything is canon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Part two
“Whatever you’re thinking of him right now, he is truly worried,” Alice tries to assure her.
Oh, good for him. “If he is so worried, why isn’t he here already?” Bella snaps, angry to be trapped like this, angry that he is bound to see her like this.
Alice sighs and stands up, facing away from Bella. “He hasn’t been around. He was in South America when I called him.” She turns and smiles sadly. “Even we have limitations. He took the first plane he could get on.”
Bella huffs. South America. He was probably occupied, enjoying his distractions. How unfortunate that she couldn’t look after herself.
“Bella, stop it. I can see what you’re doing,” Alice warns her and Bella feels shame and guilt washing over her immediately. Alice is right, of course. People break up every day - her parents were the best example of the ephemeral nature most romances had. It’s time she internalises the truth; whatever they had, whatever felt so special, is over.
“What have you been up to since you left Forks?” she asks to distract herself.
“The family lives in Cornell but I was visiting our friends in Denali when I got the vision. Esme is busy restoring a historical monument, Carlisle works day and night, Jasper studies philosophy and Rose and Emmett just returned from another honeymoon in Europe.”
She excluded Edward from her story and Bella wonders why he doesn’t stay with his family. It doesn’t seem right. Has he met someone he’d rather spend his time with? Another vampire maybe?
Alice has the faraway look she usually gets when she concentrates on her visions. Bella has no doubt that she is focussing on her brother. Despair threatens to swallow her whole. She doesn’t know how it happened but, suddenly, the thought of having disappointed him makes her cringe. It’s too much. Why would he be worried in the first place? When he left her, he must have been aware of the fact that he left a human behind, that she would die sooner or later and that she could get hurt any minute. Fragile, he used to call her.
“He’ll be here in a few minutes,” Alice finally says. She eyes Bella slyly. “So you don’t want to see him at all?”
Bella doesn’t have to think about it. “Of course I do,” she admits bleakly. The prospect of seeing him one more time scares her more than anything but she’d be damned if she missed this opportunity. The mere thought of hearing his silky voice sends her heart aflutter.
“That’s good because I’m pretty sure I couldn’t stop him,” Alice grins. She steps closer and reaches for Bella’s hand. The contact with her cold skin shocks her once again. “See you,” she mutters and squeezes Bella’s hand reassuringly. What she really means is good luck but they both know that Bella isn’t getting a lot of that lately.
***
She has only a few minutes to freak out. Nervously, she is running her hands through her hair, trying to comb it with her fingers, while her thoughts are running amok. This is really happening, Edward is going to be in this room with her - and she is a mess. Not sure why her looks are so important right now, her jittery mind reflects on what the advantages of not feeling her heart in the same way she doesn’t feel her legs would be. She looks over at the white plastic alarm clock on the bed stand. 11.47. How telling that he will appear in time for the witching hour.
A slight breeze announces her visitor. She looks up slowly and there he is.
Edward.
He is truly standing in the doorway and she drinks in the sight greedily, trying to catch every little detail at once. The real Edward differs from the one in her dreams and memories, though possibly only to someone who knows him as well as she does. His hair is uncharacteristically dishevelled to the point of neglect and he looks like he slept in his clothes, which is of course ludicrous.
“Bella,” he breathes, tentative as if he expects her to contradict him. For only a few seconds she closes her eyes, a weak attempt at processing their strange reunion. When she opens them again, the door is shut and he stands closer to her bed. He looks haunted, his black eyes wild and burning with emotions she cannot decipher. Dark shadows encircle his eyes, betray his hunger. Yet, he is still the most beautiful boy - man - she has ever seen. She cannot find her voice just yet and contents herself with looking at him. It is almost surreal, the way he is timeless, because she has changed so much. He is like an echo of the past, a time when smiling wasn’t only a charade and happiness came easy.
The bed, a piece of furniture they shared so many times before, now seems like a barrier - insurmountable and ominous. Bella lies in no-man’s-land and Edward cannot reach her. Unmoving like a statue he stands there, looking at her in very much the same way she stares at him.
“You promised, Bella,” he eventually says in that velvety voice she missed so much. “You promised not to do anything stupid.” It is underwhelming as far as reunions go.
“And you promised never to leave me. Life is full of disappointment,” she answers, surprised by the edge to her voice. He flinches visibly and she feels instant remorse. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair,” she whispers.
“No, I deserved that,” Edward murmurs and his expression darkens. The realisation that he feels guilty about what happened pains her. It wasn’t his fault, as much as she wants to blame her misery on someone else. Her throat constricts painfully as she tries to keep the tears away. With him looking so forlorn and guilt-ridden, it’s a lost battle.
“Well, it was stupid and reckless and I’m sorry that I hurt so many people,” Bella sobs out. Her tears break through the invisible barrier. He is beside her in a heartbeat and takes her hand, as if he doesn’t dare touch anything else. Feeling his hard hand around hers electrifies her, thrills her a thousand times more than Alice’s touch before, and warmth spreads through her body. Slowly, as if it is something immensely difficult and painful, he leans closer and inhales. She holds very still, not even daring to blink. So close, so close to perfect bliss. A sad smile caresses his mouth as he pulls back.
“Oh, Bella, you mostly hurt yourself,” he says softly and presses his lips against the warm skin of her hand. She shivers but doesn’t pull away. She never does because this is what she lives for. His sweet scent surrounds her, leaving her lightheaded, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt,” she contradicts him. No, not physically. There are older wounds and the big aching hole where her heart used to be but Edward mustn’t know about that. He feels guilty enough; she can tell from his tormented eyes and tense posture.
“I know. They don’t even have to give you morphine.” His voice cracks, his eyes fixed intently on her hand. Yes, he probably knows better about her condition than she knows herself. Not only could he read the doctors’ and nurses’ minds, he had studied medicine himself. There is no fooling, no sparing him in this regard. Strange, how she hasn’t thought about it herself though. No morphine, no pain, no nothing.
“Why, Bella? Why did you do that?” Not being able to read her thoughts must be even more frustrating than usual because he now stares so intensely at her as if this alone will extract the reason and give him the answer he needs.
Bella bites her lip and averts her eyes. Because I wanted to hear your voice sounds like a rather psychotic reason now. “It was supposed to be fun. You know, a human fun thing.” Edward growls at that and Bella curses herself silently. What is it with her and these passive-aggressive snide remarks? It is not Edward’s fault that she cannot let go...like he did.
Ever so softly, his cold fingers curl around her chin, forcing her to look up to him. “You never struck me as the extreme-sport kind of girl,” he grits out, his eyes smouldering with uncountable emotions. She can’t not tell him the truth then.
“It...it is rather silly. You won’t like it,” she says contritely. No, he won’t. She doesn’t like it either and now there is the feeling of having failed him, which seems absurd all things considered. Silly Bella, he used to say and he was right. She should have tried harder to resist, to move on.
“I would like to hear it just the same, if you don’t mind.”
She looks down then, unable to meet his gaze. It is hard enough to talk, with him being so close. “After you left, well, I found out that I could hear, no, remember your voice very clearly when I did something dangerous. It’s like you were standing right beside me, trying to talk sense into me. I...it hurt, of course, but I couldn’t not...want to hear it. So I asked Jake to repair these motorcycles...” Another growl. “And this worked for a while. I did other stuff you don’t want to hear about. And then there was the cliff and I had planned to do this for a long time but then Jake wasn’t there and I decided to jump on my own...despite you telling me not to.” She sighs, defeated and humiliated. “I’m sorry, Edward. I just couldn’t move on like you did.”
“What?” His voice is sharp with disbelief and she looks up, confused. Something in her expression lets him recoil as if slapped. In an instant he is pressed against the wall. She has never seen him so horrified. “You believe that. You truly believe that,” he mutters hollowly. “Oh, Bella!”
“What?” she asks, completely dumbfounded. He doesn’t answer right away but starts pacing up and down the room, tense like a caged tiger, pinching his nose and muttering under his breath. She knows the signs - Edward is upset and tries his best not to lose his temper - but the reason for his anger mystifies her. Watching him silently, she wonders why she isn’t more troubled, why she isn’t even a tiny bit scared. She used to be. Perhaps the Bella before the fall and the Bella after the fall are too different to react in the same way.
He finally comes to a stop, so abruptly that it startles her out of her reverie. If only she wasn’t invalid, she could go over to him and...and then what? Edward does not want her to close her arms around him, to press kisses against his neck and stroke his hair. It hurts too much to breathe for a moment.
He pulls the plastic chair closer to the side of her bed and sits down, looking even more haunted and desperate than before.
“I need to tell you something about the day I left,” he begins in a low voice. His words make her tense up immediately and she tries to hide her face in the pillow. Anything but that! A cold hand on her cheek, the touch tender and painful at the same time, lures her out of her hiding place. “Please, Bella, listen to what I have to say.” She nods numbly, bracing herself for what is to come.
“When I told you that I didn’t want you anymore, I lied,” he tells her and for a second she isn’t sure whether it’s just her mind playing tricks on her. “I lied because it was the only way. I love you, Bella, this is unchangeable and permanent. I only left because you have a right to a normal life without the hazard of a vampire coven thirsting for your blood, without the dangers of being around us, being around me.”
She stares at him stupidly, not sure if he is speaking the same language as her. It can’t be. He left because he was bored, because he realised that being around her was more trouble than it was worth. He told her so.
“I don’t...understand,” she croaks, a great lump blocking her throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe, let alone speak.
His eyes are bright with fierce determination. “Bella, please try to understand my motives. I thought leaving was best for you. You’re so young and pure and being with me corrupted the life you had, no, still have ahead of you. How could I stay with you if your life was in danger every minute we spent together? You were so determined to barter your soul for the miserable existence of a blood-drinking monster that you neglected to consider --”
“You left...for my sake?” she interrupts him disbelievingly.
“Yes,” he replies simply, as if this is the only possible answer.
It takes a while to settle in, this new and startling piece of information. It is hard to even consider this to be the truth but he sounded so sincere just now, so much more like the Edward she knew that consider it she must. The way he acted around her after her disastrous birthday party, his detachment and reluctance to be with her, the way his family disappeared without so much as a goodbye - it all adds up to a different story now. A different truth. But with realisation comes anger. This is just so absurd, so utterly stupid; she cannot believe that he left her for her sake.
“You don’t know me very well, Edward, do you?” she asks him after a silence that must have been torture for him. He looks puzzled.
“Excuse me?”
“How many humans who are in love with a vampire do you know? Girls who know that their boyfriend wants to kill them every second he is around them. Girls who find out that the only human they ever bonded with isn’t human after all but a werewolf. Seriously, Edward, I’m not normal. I never was. How on earth could you believe that leaving me would make me happy?” She gets more and more agitated, her voice climbing a few thirds as she goes on.
“Bella, please, calm down. The night nurse will hear you,” he hushes her. Bella huffs and tries to turn away, which - her body being uncooperative - proves rather difficult. “Look, Bella, I am almost one hundred and ten years old. I know all about human nature, or at least I thought I did, and when you lose someone, you grieve and you cry but then you move on. It’s in your nature.”
Her head snaps back. “Oh, thank you very much, Edward.” He blinks, not understanding. “For presuming to know better than I do myself. My feelings for you were never just a fancy.” Her voice breaks and she blinks angry tears away.
And then it hits her. Edward claims to love her, to still love her. The impact of his words is delayed but it is intense when it comes. Cold and hard like a fist in her stomach, it hits her with such force that she nearly blacks out.
His hands cradling her face, anchoring her, are what keeps her conscious. “Bella, oh no, Bella! What is it?” he asks sharply.
“Something you said earlier,” Bella manages to get out, gasping.
Edward look horrified once more. “Something I said?” He lets out a desperate, humourless laugh. “How can I even think of begging you for forgiveness if I can’t make it through one conversation without hurting you?” He is so close that there is no escaping his sweet breath. Like a carnivorous plant luring the oh so willing prey to certain death. Only this, this hope, is worse than death. Bella shudders and he instantly lets go of her.
“My apologies. I have no right to this kind of intimacy anymore,” he says slowly in a pained voice.
For a long moment, Bella is at a loss for words. If there is one person who could never forfeit the right to touch her it is Edward, but she can’t reassure him now that she is so lost herself. The only way to keep them both from slipping is to change the topic, so she asks, “What about your distractions?”
He smiles sadly. “Another lie.”
“So many lies,” she whispers. “And for what?”
“I failed you and that’s inexcusable,” Edward states darkly. A part of her agrees because all this is not fair. She is broken, really and irrevocably broken this time, and not even Carlisle will be able to stitch her up.
His sudden movement startles her; he left his seat at her side and stands at the window, facing away from her. He can’t see anything, not with the blinds down, so she assumes that he doesn’t want to face her for whatever he is going to say next. A memory of her stumbling through the forest flashes before her eyes and she feels instantly sick. No, not again.
“Edward,” she starts, surprised by how steady her voice is. “Do me the courtesy of looking at me as long as you’re in this room.”
He spins around so fast, it’s only a blur to her human vision. “I’m sorry. It’s just...never mind. It was very impolite.” He gives her an apologetic smile and her heart almost melts. “Bella, what I did is truly inexcusable and I would...understand if you never wanted to see me again. Do you want me to leave?”
What? “Are you out of your mind?” she asks sharply, speaking her mind before she can edit her thoughts.
“I quite obviously can’t read yours,” he mutters, distressed.
“I never wanted you to leave in the first place. You have no idea how I...and now you come here and...” she cannot finish her little rant before the panic overwhelms her. How can he even think of leaving? Does he enjoy seeing her suffer blow after blow? Did he even listen to what she said earlier?
“I’m only trying to do what’s best.” She can see him flexing his hands in a wholly unexpected gesture. He’s nervous. It’s laughable. He doesn’t know what to do any more than she does.
“Edward,” she sighs, “how about asking me for a change before deciding what’s best for me? I might be a cripple now but I didn’t fall on my head.”
She doesn’t expect his reaction. He growls fiercely and lunges out for her, making her heart skip a beat. Before fear can overtake her, he has her cradled against him awkwardly, pressing cold but fervent kisses against her hair and forehead, his hands caressing her neck, her face, holding her close.
“Never, Bella, never say that again. You’re still the most beautiful...the perfect...oh, Bella, I love you so much, never doubt that,” he mumbles between kisses. And she cannot doubt him, not now. She breathes and inhales his unique scent, she moves and feels his cold but familiar hands, the hardness of his chest, she opens her eyes and sees the immaculate skin of his neck. He is everywhere, her Edward, and suddenly she feels right again. With a sigh she melts into his half-embrace, the bed being too narrow to accommodate them both. For a while this is enough. She craved the safety of his arms for too long. But then, in the back of her mind, a small voice utters its doubts. It can’t be that easy. Edward was able to leave her when she was whole, how could Edward be here now and love a bedridden cripple? The feeling of it being too late doesn’t wholly leave her. Her arms find their way around him, trying to hold him closer.
***
She doesn’t sleep that night. The hours fly by while she is lying in his arms. He tells her what life was like for him after he left his family and how he had been lying curled up in a derelict attic, when Alice called him and told him about her accident, how for a few seconds he believed the worst had happened and how he had felt then.
“It was the worst moment of my life,” he says, the pain evident in his voice. “It was as if the world stopped spinning and every light went out. I can live when I’m away from you, even if I could barely make it through the days, but I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” He presses another kiss against her temple. “My legs had started moving on their own and I was already on my way to the airport when Alice informed me about the circumstances leading to you jumping off that cliff; she told me about your werewolf friends, about Laurent and Victoria. Bella, you cannot imagine my horror! I thought you’d be safe with us gone. Never in a million years would I have left if I had known that Victoria was still after you. And that you would have to rely on young and volatile werewolves to protect you from her.” He growls the last words and pulls her closer to his chest.
“Jacob saved my life in more than one way. And he isn’t dangerous. Without him and the pack I’d be dead,” Bella defends her best friend.
“And I am deeply indebted to him for everything he did to keep you safe.”
Bella shakes her head. “It’s not only that, Edward. When you were gone...well, the fact that I’m here illustrates that I haven’t dealt with this all that well. I would be in far worse shape if Jacob hadn’t been there for me.”
“I see,” he says in a strangled voice. They are silent for a while. “I cannot undo the last eight months,” Edward says a little later. “But I’m here now and I will never leave you again.”
Never say never, Bella thinks. Her eyes are heavy and dry. It’s been a long night but she can’t bring herself to go to sleep. She revels in his touch, his presence. Edward wants her to be reasonable, he even hummed her lullaby, but she fought sleep off successfully. She wishes this night would never end.
But it does. When twilight filters through the blinds, Edward disentangles himself from her.
“Bella, love, a nurse will come and check on you in a few minutes. And in two hours the doctor will do his ward round. I checked the schedule.” His words are as soft as his eyes on her and he looks reluctant to let go of her.
Don’t leave me, her overtired mind screams but there is no hiding place in her room, no closet for him to stay in.
“I will be back. I told you that I cannot and will not leave you again,” he assures her. Apparently she is still easy to read. “I need to call Carlisle to make arrangements for our return to Forks but I’ll be back as soon as possible.” He hesitates for a moment, looking slightly anxious, before he bends down to kiss her. He has avoided her lips until now and she was both disappointed and glad, fearing the fresh pain once he leaves her again. She can’t pull back and the bigger part of her doesn’t want to, to hell with the consequences. When their lips meet her heart nearly bursts. It has been dormant and numb for so long that the feeling overwhelms her, the sensation of his smooth lips moving against hers being too much. She gasps and thereby breaks the kiss.
“Bella?” His voice is hardly audible. Her lips are still burning and her entire being is on fire. Dante was right; the inner circle of hell is cold as ice. “I’ll stay with you, do not fear. But I need to know...Do you still love me?” he asks, his voice so low that she nearly misses it. She opens her eyes, noticing only now that she had them squeezed shut, and sees the pain she feels reflected in his eyes.
“Of course I do, that’s why it hurts,” she replies and lifts one hand to touch his pale cheek. Hesitantly, her fingers travel to his mouth, tracing the soft skin of his lips. He lets out a shaky breath.
“I can’t make you forget, Bella, but I will regain your trust,” he swears solemnly and covers her fingers with his hand, holding them still, so that he can kiss their tips. With this promise he leaves her just seconds before the nurse comes in.
***
Comments make emo Edward smile!
***
on to part three
Fandom: Twilight
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: PG
Summary: AU. Bella wasn't so uncharacteristically lucky when she jumped off the cliff.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight and New Moon. Up until Bella's dive in New Moon everything is canon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Part two
“Whatever you’re thinking of him right now, he is truly worried,” Alice tries to assure her.
Oh, good for him. “If he is so worried, why isn’t he here already?” Bella snaps, angry to be trapped like this, angry that he is bound to see her like this.
Alice sighs and stands up, facing away from Bella. “He hasn’t been around. He was in South America when I called him.” She turns and smiles sadly. “Even we have limitations. He took the first plane he could get on.”
Bella huffs. South America. He was probably occupied, enjoying his distractions. How unfortunate that she couldn’t look after herself.
“Bella, stop it. I can see what you’re doing,” Alice warns her and Bella feels shame and guilt washing over her immediately. Alice is right, of course. People break up every day - her parents were the best example of the ephemeral nature most romances had. It’s time she internalises the truth; whatever they had, whatever felt so special, is over.
“What have you been up to since you left Forks?” she asks to distract herself.
“The family lives in Cornell but I was visiting our friends in Denali when I got the vision. Esme is busy restoring a historical monument, Carlisle works day and night, Jasper studies philosophy and Rose and Emmett just returned from another honeymoon in Europe.”
She excluded Edward from her story and Bella wonders why he doesn’t stay with his family. It doesn’t seem right. Has he met someone he’d rather spend his time with? Another vampire maybe?
Alice has the faraway look she usually gets when she concentrates on her visions. Bella has no doubt that she is focussing on her brother. Despair threatens to swallow her whole. She doesn’t know how it happened but, suddenly, the thought of having disappointed him makes her cringe. It’s too much. Why would he be worried in the first place? When he left her, he must have been aware of the fact that he left a human behind, that she would die sooner or later and that she could get hurt any minute. Fragile, he used to call her.
“He’ll be here in a few minutes,” Alice finally says. She eyes Bella slyly. “So you don’t want to see him at all?”
Bella doesn’t have to think about it. “Of course I do,” she admits bleakly. The prospect of seeing him one more time scares her more than anything but she’d be damned if she missed this opportunity. The mere thought of hearing his silky voice sends her heart aflutter.
“That’s good because I’m pretty sure I couldn’t stop him,” Alice grins. She steps closer and reaches for Bella’s hand. The contact with her cold skin shocks her once again. “See you,” she mutters and squeezes Bella’s hand reassuringly. What she really means is good luck but they both know that Bella isn’t getting a lot of that lately.
***
She has only a few minutes to freak out. Nervously, she is running her hands through her hair, trying to comb it with her fingers, while her thoughts are running amok. This is really happening, Edward is going to be in this room with her - and she is a mess. Not sure why her looks are so important right now, her jittery mind reflects on what the advantages of not feeling her heart in the same way she doesn’t feel her legs would be. She looks over at the white plastic alarm clock on the bed stand. 11.47. How telling that he will appear in time for the witching hour.
A slight breeze announces her visitor. She looks up slowly and there he is.
Edward.
He is truly standing in the doorway and she drinks in the sight greedily, trying to catch every little detail at once. The real Edward differs from the one in her dreams and memories, though possibly only to someone who knows him as well as she does. His hair is uncharacteristically dishevelled to the point of neglect and he looks like he slept in his clothes, which is of course ludicrous.
“Bella,” he breathes, tentative as if he expects her to contradict him. For only a few seconds she closes her eyes, a weak attempt at processing their strange reunion. When she opens them again, the door is shut and he stands closer to her bed. He looks haunted, his black eyes wild and burning with emotions she cannot decipher. Dark shadows encircle his eyes, betray his hunger. Yet, he is still the most beautiful boy - man - she has ever seen. She cannot find her voice just yet and contents herself with looking at him. It is almost surreal, the way he is timeless, because she has changed so much. He is like an echo of the past, a time when smiling wasn’t only a charade and happiness came easy.
The bed, a piece of furniture they shared so many times before, now seems like a barrier - insurmountable and ominous. Bella lies in no-man’s-land and Edward cannot reach her. Unmoving like a statue he stands there, looking at her in very much the same way she stares at him.
“You promised, Bella,” he eventually says in that velvety voice she missed so much. “You promised not to do anything stupid.” It is underwhelming as far as reunions go.
“And you promised never to leave me. Life is full of disappointment,” she answers, surprised by the edge to her voice. He flinches visibly and she feels instant remorse. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair,” she whispers.
“No, I deserved that,” Edward murmurs and his expression darkens. The realisation that he feels guilty about what happened pains her. It wasn’t his fault, as much as she wants to blame her misery on someone else. Her throat constricts painfully as she tries to keep the tears away. With him looking so forlorn and guilt-ridden, it’s a lost battle.
“Well, it was stupid and reckless and I’m sorry that I hurt so many people,” Bella sobs out. Her tears break through the invisible barrier. He is beside her in a heartbeat and takes her hand, as if he doesn’t dare touch anything else. Feeling his hard hand around hers electrifies her, thrills her a thousand times more than Alice’s touch before, and warmth spreads through her body. Slowly, as if it is something immensely difficult and painful, he leans closer and inhales. She holds very still, not even daring to blink. So close, so close to perfect bliss. A sad smile caresses his mouth as he pulls back.
“Oh, Bella, you mostly hurt yourself,” he says softly and presses his lips against the warm skin of her hand. She shivers but doesn’t pull away. She never does because this is what she lives for. His sweet scent surrounds her, leaving her lightheaded, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt,” she contradicts him. No, not physically. There are older wounds and the big aching hole where her heart used to be but Edward mustn’t know about that. He feels guilty enough; she can tell from his tormented eyes and tense posture.
“I know. They don’t even have to give you morphine.” His voice cracks, his eyes fixed intently on her hand. Yes, he probably knows better about her condition than she knows herself. Not only could he read the doctors’ and nurses’ minds, he had studied medicine himself. There is no fooling, no sparing him in this regard. Strange, how she hasn’t thought about it herself though. No morphine, no pain, no nothing.
“Why, Bella? Why did you do that?” Not being able to read her thoughts must be even more frustrating than usual because he now stares so intensely at her as if this alone will extract the reason and give him the answer he needs.
Bella bites her lip and averts her eyes. Because I wanted to hear your voice sounds like a rather psychotic reason now. “It was supposed to be fun. You know, a human fun thing.” Edward growls at that and Bella curses herself silently. What is it with her and these passive-aggressive snide remarks? It is not Edward’s fault that she cannot let go...like he did.
Ever so softly, his cold fingers curl around her chin, forcing her to look up to him. “You never struck me as the extreme-sport kind of girl,” he grits out, his eyes smouldering with uncountable emotions. She can’t not tell him the truth then.
“It...it is rather silly. You won’t like it,” she says contritely. No, he won’t. She doesn’t like it either and now there is the feeling of having failed him, which seems absurd all things considered. Silly Bella, he used to say and he was right. She should have tried harder to resist, to move on.
“I would like to hear it just the same, if you don’t mind.”
She looks down then, unable to meet his gaze. It is hard enough to talk, with him being so close. “After you left, well, I found out that I could hear, no, remember your voice very clearly when I did something dangerous. It’s like you were standing right beside me, trying to talk sense into me. I...it hurt, of course, but I couldn’t not...want to hear it. So I asked Jake to repair these motorcycles...” Another growl. “And this worked for a while. I did other stuff you don’t want to hear about. And then there was the cliff and I had planned to do this for a long time but then Jake wasn’t there and I decided to jump on my own...despite you telling me not to.” She sighs, defeated and humiliated. “I’m sorry, Edward. I just couldn’t move on like you did.”
“What?” His voice is sharp with disbelief and she looks up, confused. Something in her expression lets him recoil as if slapped. In an instant he is pressed against the wall. She has never seen him so horrified. “You believe that. You truly believe that,” he mutters hollowly. “Oh, Bella!”
“What?” she asks, completely dumbfounded. He doesn’t answer right away but starts pacing up and down the room, tense like a caged tiger, pinching his nose and muttering under his breath. She knows the signs - Edward is upset and tries his best not to lose his temper - but the reason for his anger mystifies her. Watching him silently, she wonders why she isn’t more troubled, why she isn’t even a tiny bit scared. She used to be. Perhaps the Bella before the fall and the Bella after the fall are too different to react in the same way.
He finally comes to a stop, so abruptly that it startles her out of her reverie. If only she wasn’t invalid, she could go over to him and...and then what? Edward does not want her to close her arms around him, to press kisses against his neck and stroke his hair. It hurts too much to breathe for a moment.
He pulls the plastic chair closer to the side of her bed and sits down, looking even more haunted and desperate than before.
“I need to tell you something about the day I left,” he begins in a low voice. His words make her tense up immediately and she tries to hide her face in the pillow. Anything but that! A cold hand on her cheek, the touch tender and painful at the same time, lures her out of her hiding place. “Please, Bella, listen to what I have to say.” She nods numbly, bracing herself for what is to come.
“When I told you that I didn’t want you anymore, I lied,” he tells her and for a second she isn’t sure whether it’s just her mind playing tricks on her. “I lied because it was the only way. I love you, Bella, this is unchangeable and permanent. I only left because you have a right to a normal life without the hazard of a vampire coven thirsting for your blood, without the dangers of being around us, being around me.”
She stares at him stupidly, not sure if he is speaking the same language as her. It can’t be. He left because he was bored, because he realised that being around her was more trouble than it was worth. He told her so.
“I don’t...understand,” she croaks, a great lump blocking her throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe, let alone speak.
His eyes are bright with fierce determination. “Bella, please try to understand my motives. I thought leaving was best for you. You’re so young and pure and being with me corrupted the life you had, no, still have ahead of you. How could I stay with you if your life was in danger every minute we spent together? You were so determined to barter your soul for the miserable existence of a blood-drinking monster that you neglected to consider --”
“You left...for my sake?” she interrupts him disbelievingly.
“Yes,” he replies simply, as if this is the only possible answer.
It takes a while to settle in, this new and startling piece of information. It is hard to even consider this to be the truth but he sounded so sincere just now, so much more like the Edward she knew that consider it she must. The way he acted around her after her disastrous birthday party, his detachment and reluctance to be with her, the way his family disappeared without so much as a goodbye - it all adds up to a different story now. A different truth. But with realisation comes anger. This is just so absurd, so utterly stupid; she cannot believe that he left her for her sake.
“You don’t know me very well, Edward, do you?” she asks him after a silence that must have been torture for him. He looks puzzled.
“Excuse me?”
“How many humans who are in love with a vampire do you know? Girls who know that their boyfriend wants to kill them every second he is around them. Girls who find out that the only human they ever bonded with isn’t human after all but a werewolf. Seriously, Edward, I’m not normal. I never was. How on earth could you believe that leaving me would make me happy?” She gets more and more agitated, her voice climbing a few thirds as she goes on.
“Bella, please, calm down. The night nurse will hear you,” he hushes her. Bella huffs and tries to turn away, which - her body being uncooperative - proves rather difficult. “Look, Bella, I am almost one hundred and ten years old. I know all about human nature, or at least I thought I did, and when you lose someone, you grieve and you cry but then you move on. It’s in your nature.”
Her head snaps back. “Oh, thank you very much, Edward.” He blinks, not understanding. “For presuming to know better than I do myself. My feelings for you were never just a fancy.” Her voice breaks and she blinks angry tears away.
And then it hits her. Edward claims to love her, to still love her. The impact of his words is delayed but it is intense when it comes. Cold and hard like a fist in her stomach, it hits her with such force that she nearly blacks out.
His hands cradling her face, anchoring her, are what keeps her conscious. “Bella, oh no, Bella! What is it?” he asks sharply.
“Something you said earlier,” Bella manages to get out, gasping.
Edward look horrified once more. “Something I said?” He lets out a desperate, humourless laugh. “How can I even think of begging you for forgiveness if I can’t make it through one conversation without hurting you?” He is so close that there is no escaping his sweet breath. Like a carnivorous plant luring the oh so willing prey to certain death. Only this, this hope, is worse than death. Bella shudders and he instantly lets go of her.
“My apologies. I have no right to this kind of intimacy anymore,” he says slowly in a pained voice.
For a long moment, Bella is at a loss for words. If there is one person who could never forfeit the right to touch her it is Edward, but she can’t reassure him now that she is so lost herself. The only way to keep them both from slipping is to change the topic, so she asks, “What about your distractions?”
He smiles sadly. “Another lie.”
“So many lies,” she whispers. “And for what?”
“I failed you and that’s inexcusable,” Edward states darkly. A part of her agrees because all this is not fair. She is broken, really and irrevocably broken this time, and not even Carlisle will be able to stitch her up.
His sudden movement startles her; he left his seat at her side and stands at the window, facing away from her. He can’t see anything, not with the blinds down, so she assumes that he doesn’t want to face her for whatever he is going to say next. A memory of her stumbling through the forest flashes before her eyes and she feels instantly sick. No, not again.
“Edward,” she starts, surprised by how steady her voice is. “Do me the courtesy of looking at me as long as you’re in this room.”
He spins around so fast, it’s only a blur to her human vision. “I’m sorry. It’s just...never mind. It was very impolite.” He gives her an apologetic smile and her heart almost melts. “Bella, what I did is truly inexcusable and I would...understand if you never wanted to see me again. Do you want me to leave?”
What? “Are you out of your mind?” she asks sharply, speaking her mind before she can edit her thoughts.
“I quite obviously can’t read yours,” he mutters, distressed.
“I never wanted you to leave in the first place. You have no idea how I...and now you come here and...” she cannot finish her little rant before the panic overwhelms her. How can he even think of leaving? Does he enjoy seeing her suffer blow after blow? Did he even listen to what she said earlier?
“I’m only trying to do what’s best.” She can see him flexing his hands in a wholly unexpected gesture. He’s nervous. It’s laughable. He doesn’t know what to do any more than she does.
“Edward,” she sighs, “how about asking me for a change before deciding what’s best for me? I might be a cripple now but I didn’t fall on my head.”
She doesn’t expect his reaction. He growls fiercely and lunges out for her, making her heart skip a beat. Before fear can overtake her, he has her cradled against him awkwardly, pressing cold but fervent kisses against her hair and forehead, his hands caressing her neck, her face, holding her close.
“Never, Bella, never say that again. You’re still the most beautiful...the perfect...oh, Bella, I love you so much, never doubt that,” he mumbles between kisses. And she cannot doubt him, not now. She breathes and inhales his unique scent, she moves and feels his cold but familiar hands, the hardness of his chest, she opens her eyes and sees the immaculate skin of his neck. He is everywhere, her Edward, and suddenly she feels right again. With a sigh she melts into his half-embrace, the bed being too narrow to accommodate them both. For a while this is enough. She craved the safety of his arms for too long. But then, in the back of her mind, a small voice utters its doubts. It can’t be that easy. Edward was able to leave her when she was whole, how could Edward be here now and love a bedridden cripple? The feeling of it being too late doesn’t wholly leave her. Her arms find their way around him, trying to hold him closer.
***
She doesn’t sleep that night. The hours fly by while she is lying in his arms. He tells her what life was like for him after he left his family and how he had been lying curled up in a derelict attic, when Alice called him and told him about her accident, how for a few seconds he believed the worst had happened and how he had felt then.
“It was the worst moment of my life,” he says, the pain evident in his voice. “It was as if the world stopped spinning and every light went out. I can live when I’m away from you, even if I could barely make it through the days, but I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” He presses another kiss against her temple. “My legs had started moving on their own and I was already on my way to the airport when Alice informed me about the circumstances leading to you jumping off that cliff; she told me about your werewolf friends, about Laurent and Victoria. Bella, you cannot imagine my horror! I thought you’d be safe with us gone. Never in a million years would I have left if I had known that Victoria was still after you. And that you would have to rely on young and volatile werewolves to protect you from her.” He growls the last words and pulls her closer to his chest.
“Jacob saved my life in more than one way. And he isn’t dangerous. Without him and the pack I’d be dead,” Bella defends her best friend.
“And I am deeply indebted to him for everything he did to keep you safe.”
Bella shakes her head. “It’s not only that, Edward. When you were gone...well, the fact that I’m here illustrates that I haven’t dealt with this all that well. I would be in far worse shape if Jacob hadn’t been there for me.”
“I see,” he says in a strangled voice. They are silent for a while. “I cannot undo the last eight months,” Edward says a little later. “But I’m here now and I will never leave you again.”
Never say never, Bella thinks. Her eyes are heavy and dry. It’s been a long night but she can’t bring herself to go to sleep. She revels in his touch, his presence. Edward wants her to be reasonable, he even hummed her lullaby, but she fought sleep off successfully. She wishes this night would never end.
But it does. When twilight filters through the blinds, Edward disentangles himself from her.
“Bella, love, a nurse will come and check on you in a few minutes. And in two hours the doctor will do his ward round. I checked the schedule.” His words are as soft as his eyes on her and he looks reluctant to let go of her.
Don’t leave me, her overtired mind screams but there is no hiding place in her room, no closet for him to stay in.
“I will be back. I told you that I cannot and will not leave you again,” he assures her. Apparently she is still easy to read. “I need to call Carlisle to make arrangements for our return to Forks but I’ll be back as soon as possible.” He hesitates for a moment, looking slightly anxious, before he bends down to kiss her. He has avoided her lips until now and she was both disappointed and glad, fearing the fresh pain once he leaves her again. She can’t pull back and the bigger part of her doesn’t want to, to hell with the consequences. When their lips meet her heart nearly bursts. It has been dormant and numb for so long that the feeling overwhelms her, the sensation of his smooth lips moving against hers being too much. She gasps and thereby breaks the kiss.
“Bella?” His voice is hardly audible. Her lips are still burning and her entire being is on fire. Dante was right; the inner circle of hell is cold as ice. “I’ll stay with you, do not fear. But I need to know...Do you still love me?” he asks, his voice so low that she nearly misses it. She opens her eyes, noticing only now that she had them squeezed shut, and sees the pain she feels reflected in his eyes.
“Of course I do, that’s why it hurts,” she replies and lifts one hand to touch his pale cheek. Hesitantly, her fingers travel to his mouth, tracing the soft skin of his lips. He lets out a shaky breath.
“I can’t make you forget, Bella, but I will regain your trust,” he swears solemnly and covers her fingers with his hand, holding them still, so that he can kiss their tips. With this promise he leaves her just seconds before the nurse comes in.
***
Comments make emo Edward smile!
***
on to part three