My Stardust Melody, Chapter 44, Part One
Reid barely slept that night. His mind couldn't shut down from all his racing thoughts. He was excited and hopeful while at the same time scared to death. His only other relationship had ended in disaster, and he absolutely did not want to screw this up. He thought about it all night and considered his one long-term boyfriend, Nick. Would Reid do the same things now that he did then? He didn't think so.
After thinking about it for several hours, Reid believed that he was a different man now. If he'd had the therapy he needed back then, he and Nick might have lasted. He might have even fallen in love with the young man. At the very least they might have broken up over normal, mundane things…one of them might have gotten bored (probably Reid) or the other might have gotten insecure about the other's friends (probably Nick--he'd exhibited some insecurities about Nathan).
From the moment he'd met Nick, Reid had felt wary. The more he cared about him, the more the fear grew. He was positive that Nick wouldn't stay with him. He thought that Nick would lie to him. And given that Nick had admitted to cheating on an old boyfriend, Reid felt it was inevitable that Nick would do it again. It ate away at his gut when he was alone at night. Then, when Nick had suddenly become busy on a bunch of weeknights, Reid seized upon the absence and convinced himself that Nick revisiting his old ways.
Nick had been studying for exams and was embarrassed by how much more work he had to put into school than Reid. Reid didn't believe him and cut off all communication with him after the dramatic, rage-fueled, break-up.
If Reid had had some faith in Nick, maybe things would have been different. When things were good, they used to laugh together. Nick never gave up hope that he could convince Reid to eat something better than processed food. He kept trying to get Reid interested in different cuisines. They’d once gone to a Japanese restaurant, and Reid had been so vociferously affronted by the Hibachi chef’s efforts to entertain him that the staff had actually applauded when Nick and he left the restaurant. Reid had wanted a meal, not a side-show, and had let the chef and everyone within earshot know it. Afterwards, he and Nick had laughed at the failed outing.
Things had been good then.
Later…well, Luke's face in the cabin wasn't the only one that haunted Reid. Fuck, he'd been nasty to Nick. He'd never forget it. There was no point, however, in wallowing in the past. His stupid shrink was right about that.
But the question was if Reid would act the same way in the present that he did then. Reid felt sure it wouldn't. He'd made great strides at therapy. Even his doctor was impressed. And while Reid had made some crack about how, of course, he was better at therapy than everyone because he was the best at everything, it had actually meant a lot to him. Reid had gone from questioning whether he could truly control his anger and put his issues with his mom in the past where they belonged to having done it. He’d also acknowledged that his father’s abandonment had more of an impact on his life than he’d heretofore realized.
Forgiving himself for the past had been difficult, but he'd never expected Luke to do it. In his wildest imagination, he never thought Luke would show up on his doorstep and ask him out. And Luke was right to tell him his expectations for any sort of relationship. Reid knew Luke was taking a bit of a gamble on him. But Luke always took calculated risks, so he must have thought the odds were good. That made Reid feel a little more confident, too.
There was just one thing eating at Reid, something he and his therapist had discussed for a few sessions in the last couple of weeks… He'd been so shocked yesterday when Luke approached him that he hadn't had enough wits to think things through. Now, he needed to talk to Luke.
***
Luke was on his way home from night school when Reid texted him. After a brief conversation, they agreed to meet by the pond. Luke hadn't planned on being out late that night and didn't have time to swing by Reid's, so it was the best place he could think of for privacy. There certainly wouldn't be any at the farmhouse.
He was excited and nervous to see Reid. His boyfriend. They were boyfriends, right? They hadn't even gone on one date yet. Luke had to laugh at how confusing and upside-down his relationship with Reid had been. They'd done everything backwards. They fell into bed, broke up the next day, became bitter enemies, had a truce, had an even uglier break-up, had a better truce, and now they were dating. Without sex. Yeah, that part kind of stung. Luke knew it was his idea, but it wasn't going to be easy. Sexual attraction to Reid had never been a problem since the moment they'd met.
Reid had sounded tense on the phone, which left Luke a little worried. It had been only 24 hours since they'd agreed upon dating; Reid hadn't changed his mind, had he? Luke didn't think that was the case, but he couldn't figure out what was up. Maybe Julian was causing some sort of trouble? His trial was starting next month, and he had assembled quite the expensive legal team. The police had been thorough, though, and the prosecutor had assured Luke that they had a strong case--so strong that they weren't going to offer Julian any sort of plea. Still, the prosecution had been talking to witnesses all week, and maybe something had come up with Reid's interview if it was today.
Luke hoped Julian rotted in jail.
The other possibility in Luke's mind was that Henry had done something new to Reid. Luke had told Henry this morning about the change in Luke's love life. Henry, of course, took complete credit for it. Despite Luke's long lecture about locking people in closets, Henry seemed to think that Reid and Luke owed him thanks. The worst part was realizing that Luke and Reid had fed Henry's ego to the point that there would be countless other people who would receive Henry's "help." Henry seemed to view himself as Oakdale's very own Cupid. Luke wondered if Katie was dating anyone at the moment. Poor woman. There was no way Henry would let her stay single.
On the bright side, Katie would probably have great fodder for another anonymous book. Luke looked forward to reading it.
Luke pulled up to the pond and found Reid already there. It was warm, so neither of them needed a jacket. The moon provided plenty of light, and leaving on his headlights was unnecessary. He hopped out of the car and walked over to Reid who was standing on the small dock. Luke could feel it immediately--that palpable current of electricity running between them.
"This thing is safe, right?" Reid asked before Luke could say anything.
That wasn't exactly the greeting for which Luke hoped. He laughed and said, "It might creak a bit, but yeah, it's safe."
"Good." Reid grabbed Luke's hand and yanked him into his firm body. Luke closed his eyes and yielded to a slow, but passionate, kiss.
I could get used to this, Luke thought. Reid had a way of sucking gently on his tongue that made him want to collapse to the ground and rip Reid's clothes off all at once. Not having the option to do either, Luke groaned.
Reid pulled back and whispered, "Hi."
Luke had to blink a few times. Reid's thumb was running up and down his jaw, and Luke couldn't think straight. "Uh, hi."
"You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you tonight."
"I…uh..was." Was being the operative word. Luke wasn't sure he cared after that kiss, not while Reid's thumb was still doing delightful things to Luke's insides.
Reid dropped his hand and took a step back to look at Luke. "You got me thinking yesterday."
Luke really wanted to sulk over the lost touch but guessed what Reid had to say was important. So, he asked, "I did?"
Reid let out a nervous breath. "Yeah. You know how you were talking about what you expected in a relationship? I realized today that I had no idea what I wanted in one."
Luke waited, not saying a word, as Reid turned and looked out at the pond. The crests of the tiny waves reflected the starlight, making the water twinkle in the blackness. Luke was reminded of the song they'd danced to years ago, "Stardust." He hoped that whatever Reid was about to say didn't turn all his hopes and wishes for them into nothing more than a memory. He yearned for a better ending than the one of which the song spoke.
Reid said, "I didn't, and maybe I still don't totally know what I want. But there is something. And I need you to be on board with it if we're going to do this whole relationship thing."
"Okay," Luke answered, coming up behind Reid and putting his arms around his waist. Whatever Reid had to say, Luke knew it was difficult for him, and he wanted to show the doctor his support. Reid didn't quite lean back into Luke's embrace, which gave the blond pause, but Reid didn't shrug out of it either. Reid's posture was rigid, and Luke deduced just how tense Reid felt.
Reid said in a soft, serious voice, "First I have a question. Would you have said all those things to someone else? If I hadn't done those awful things, would you have told me all that?"
Luke let go so that he could walk in front of Reid and look him in the eye. He wasn't shocked by this question as he'd given it some thought himself. Hell, all he'd been doing for the past few months was thinking about Reid and what had happened to them, so he doubted Reid could surprise him with any question related to their past. That didn't mean the answers were easy, though. He replied, "Honestly? I don't know. I'm sure I would over time. But given the way we seem to have formalized everything with our friendship, then moving on seemed to require something more than usual, too. I probably gave it a lot more thought than if we'd just met each other at some bar randomly. Does it matter?" He reached out and gently intertwined the fingers of one hand with Reid's.
Reid sighed, squeezing Luke's hand. "It does. You see, I can't forget the look on your face when I said those things in the cabin. And I can't forget how I stormed out of that party years ago without listening to you and then being the reason Grimaldi went bankrupt."
"Reid…" Luke began, wanting to console the other man. This self-recrimination was unnecessary. Luke couldn't forget the look on Reid's face in the cabin or how the older man's cruel words had made him feel, but that didn't mean he wanted to dwell on it. And he definitely didn't want Reid to linger on those thoughts forever.
Reid put a hand up to stop him from talking. "But I can't let that define me no matter how ashamed I feel. And I can't let it define our relationship. I thought I might be able to do friendship with you even if you never truly forgave me or got over our problems…my problems, but I don't know if that's really true, and I'm sure I couldn't do more without…well…knowing that you believe I'm not going to hurt you again. At least not like I did before. I can't promise I won't piss you off…in fact, I think it's a given that I will…but I believe I can control myself and not lash out at you. I need you to believe that, too. In me." He stared into Luke's eyes as he brought his free hand up to clasp Luke's. He added in a low, gruff voice, "I need you to believe in me."
Before Luke could say anything, he quickly said, "And I know that's probably asking too much, and that you'll probably want to go back to being friends. I'm not sure how you can look at me and not be reminded of what you lost or the things I've said and done. But I don't know how we can go back to being friends because the truth for me is this: I don't know how to be near you and not feel drawn to you. I've tried to stop it. I have, but I can't control it, and…" He swallowed hard, then softly uttered, "I can't stop it."
Reid closed his eyes in embarrassment. "This is all my stupid shrink's fault. 'Define me.' Who the hell even says that? Fuck, I'm just going to leave to start on my career writing tampon commercials and greeting cards."
Luke was part mesmerized and part dismayed by Reid's speech. Reid couldn't control his feelings for Luke? He felt drawn to him? Luke's stomach fluttered, hell, danced, at the idea. He just wanted to kiss him, but Luke needed to deal with Reid's fear first. "Uh, Reid? Before you do that, maybe I could answer? It's hard to get a word in when you're rambling like that."
Reid looked up as Luke, who had edged closer when Reid's eyes were closed, began to talk. The blond soothingly stroked the doctor's hands with his thumbs and said, "Look, it's not totally gone, but I'm not reminded as much anymore about the things you said in the cabin. When you came to the farm, I didn't think about the bad things. And when you whipped out that jar of pickles, I laughed. I didn't have some sort of bad knee-jerk reaction. And I don't think I would use that part of our past against you. Not again, anyway." Luke took a deep breath and spoke with as much sincerity and urgency as he could marshal. "I believe you're a good man, Reid, and maybe even the right man for me. And I believe I can forgive you. Completely. I may not be one-hundred percent there yet, but I have faith in myself, and that it will be soon. And all that stuff I said about respect and cherishing? Well, it's a two-way street. I expect to give as good as I get." He meant that, every word of it.
"But you're getting there? The forgiving thing, I mean?"
Luke wished he could smooth away the apprehension on Reid's face. Luke knew this conversation had to be killing the other man--Reid just wasn't the sort who would express worries and emotions easily. He found it reassuring that Reid was so obviously invested in making sure this relationship was right for both of them that he would lower his defenses this much. "Yeah, Reid. I would have never approached you yesterday if I thought I couldn't get over the past. Is that alright?" A small knot formed in Luke's stomach at the sudden thought of it being not fine.
Reid smiled. "That sounds reasonable. If you believe that, then I can, too."
Reid's easy trust in him warmed Luke.The blond said, "I shouldn't have made it all about me yesterday. I didn't mean to, but I needed to get those things off my chest. I should have realized that you needed time to sort things out--and Reid, if you think of anything else you need, then please tell me.
"And I absolutely do not want a relationship where one of us feels superior to the other in any way. At least not beyond my obviously better taste in movies, okay?" He hoped a joke was the right thing to say now.
Reid seemed to relax at last. Luke could feel the corded tension leave in Reid's hands. The doctor retorted, "Okay. But your love of Babe pretty much eliminates you from feeling superior to anyone about your taste in movies."
Luke tried to look arrogant as he said, "Nathan likes Babe. I asked him."
Snorting, Reid replied, "Like that helps your cause. Nathan's an idiot. His favorite movie is Mannequin."
Luke laughed, feeling like the storm was behind them. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Reid's trim waist. "So, we're okay?" he whispered into Reid's neck.
Reid turned his head and nipped Luke's ear with his teeth. "Better than okay."
Click for Part Two
After thinking about it for several hours, Reid believed that he was a different man now. If he'd had the therapy he needed back then, he and Nick might have lasted. He might have even fallen in love with the young man. At the very least they might have broken up over normal, mundane things…one of them might have gotten bored (probably Reid) or the other might have gotten insecure about the other's friends (probably Nick--he'd exhibited some insecurities about Nathan).
From the moment he'd met Nick, Reid had felt wary. The more he cared about him, the more the fear grew. He was positive that Nick wouldn't stay with him. He thought that Nick would lie to him. And given that Nick had admitted to cheating on an old boyfriend, Reid felt it was inevitable that Nick would do it again. It ate away at his gut when he was alone at night. Then, when Nick had suddenly become busy on a bunch of weeknights, Reid seized upon the absence and convinced himself that Nick revisiting his old ways.
Nick had been studying for exams and was embarrassed by how much more work he had to put into school than Reid. Reid didn't believe him and cut off all communication with him after the dramatic, rage-fueled, break-up.
If Reid had had some faith in Nick, maybe things would have been different. When things were good, they used to laugh together. Nick never gave up hope that he could convince Reid to eat something better than processed food. He kept trying to get Reid interested in different cuisines. They’d once gone to a Japanese restaurant, and Reid had been so vociferously affronted by the Hibachi chef’s efforts to entertain him that the staff had actually applauded when Nick and he left the restaurant. Reid had wanted a meal, not a side-show, and had let the chef and everyone within earshot know it. Afterwards, he and Nick had laughed at the failed outing.
Things had been good then.
Later…well, Luke's face in the cabin wasn't the only one that haunted Reid. Fuck, he'd been nasty to Nick. He'd never forget it. There was no point, however, in wallowing in the past. His stupid shrink was right about that.
But the question was if Reid would act the same way in the present that he did then. Reid felt sure it wouldn't. He'd made great strides at therapy. Even his doctor was impressed. And while Reid had made some crack about how, of course, he was better at therapy than everyone because he was the best at everything, it had actually meant a lot to him. Reid had gone from questioning whether he could truly control his anger and put his issues with his mom in the past where they belonged to having done it. He’d also acknowledged that his father’s abandonment had more of an impact on his life than he’d heretofore realized.
Forgiving himself for the past had been difficult, but he'd never expected Luke to do it. In his wildest imagination, he never thought Luke would show up on his doorstep and ask him out. And Luke was right to tell him his expectations for any sort of relationship. Reid knew Luke was taking a bit of a gamble on him. But Luke always took calculated risks, so he must have thought the odds were good. That made Reid feel a little more confident, too.
There was just one thing eating at Reid, something he and his therapist had discussed for a few sessions in the last couple of weeks… He'd been so shocked yesterday when Luke approached him that he hadn't had enough wits to think things through. Now, he needed to talk to Luke.
***
Luke was on his way home from night school when Reid texted him. After a brief conversation, they agreed to meet by the pond. Luke hadn't planned on being out late that night and didn't have time to swing by Reid's, so it was the best place he could think of for privacy. There certainly wouldn't be any at the farmhouse.
He was excited and nervous to see Reid. His boyfriend. They were boyfriends, right? They hadn't even gone on one date yet. Luke had to laugh at how confusing and upside-down his relationship with Reid had been. They'd done everything backwards. They fell into bed, broke up the next day, became bitter enemies, had a truce, had an even uglier break-up, had a better truce, and now they were dating. Without sex. Yeah, that part kind of stung. Luke knew it was his idea, but it wasn't going to be easy. Sexual attraction to Reid had never been a problem since the moment they'd met.
Reid had sounded tense on the phone, which left Luke a little worried. It had been only 24 hours since they'd agreed upon dating; Reid hadn't changed his mind, had he? Luke didn't think that was the case, but he couldn't figure out what was up. Maybe Julian was causing some sort of trouble? His trial was starting next month, and he had assembled quite the expensive legal team. The police had been thorough, though, and the prosecutor had assured Luke that they had a strong case--so strong that they weren't going to offer Julian any sort of plea. Still, the prosecution had been talking to witnesses all week, and maybe something had come up with Reid's interview if it was today.
Luke hoped Julian rotted in jail.
The other possibility in Luke's mind was that Henry had done something new to Reid. Luke had told Henry this morning about the change in Luke's love life. Henry, of course, took complete credit for it. Despite Luke's long lecture about locking people in closets, Henry seemed to think that Reid and Luke owed him thanks. The worst part was realizing that Luke and Reid had fed Henry's ego to the point that there would be countless other people who would receive Henry's "help." Henry seemed to view himself as Oakdale's very own Cupid. Luke wondered if Katie was dating anyone at the moment. Poor woman. There was no way Henry would let her stay single.
On the bright side, Katie would probably have great fodder for another anonymous book. Luke looked forward to reading it.
Luke pulled up to the pond and found Reid already there. It was warm, so neither of them needed a jacket. The moon provided plenty of light, and leaving on his headlights was unnecessary. He hopped out of the car and walked over to Reid who was standing on the small dock. Luke could feel it immediately--that palpable current of electricity running between them.
"This thing is safe, right?" Reid asked before Luke could say anything.
That wasn't exactly the greeting for which Luke hoped. He laughed and said, "It might creak a bit, but yeah, it's safe."
"Good." Reid grabbed Luke's hand and yanked him into his firm body. Luke closed his eyes and yielded to a slow, but passionate, kiss.
I could get used to this, Luke thought. Reid had a way of sucking gently on his tongue that made him want to collapse to the ground and rip Reid's clothes off all at once. Not having the option to do either, Luke groaned.
Reid pulled back and whispered, "Hi."
Luke had to blink a few times. Reid's thumb was running up and down his jaw, and Luke couldn't think straight. "Uh, hi."
"You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you tonight."
"I…uh..was." Was being the operative word. Luke wasn't sure he cared after that kiss, not while Reid's thumb was still doing delightful things to Luke's insides.
Reid dropped his hand and took a step back to look at Luke. "You got me thinking yesterday."
Luke really wanted to sulk over the lost touch but guessed what Reid had to say was important. So, he asked, "I did?"
Reid let out a nervous breath. "Yeah. You know how you were talking about what you expected in a relationship? I realized today that I had no idea what I wanted in one."
Luke waited, not saying a word, as Reid turned and looked out at the pond. The crests of the tiny waves reflected the starlight, making the water twinkle in the blackness. Luke was reminded of the song they'd danced to years ago, "Stardust." He hoped that whatever Reid was about to say didn't turn all his hopes and wishes for them into nothing more than a memory. He yearned for a better ending than the one of which the song spoke.
Reid said, "I didn't, and maybe I still don't totally know what I want. But there is something. And I need you to be on board with it if we're going to do this whole relationship thing."
"Okay," Luke answered, coming up behind Reid and putting his arms around his waist. Whatever Reid had to say, Luke knew it was difficult for him, and he wanted to show the doctor his support. Reid didn't quite lean back into Luke's embrace, which gave the blond pause, but Reid didn't shrug out of it either. Reid's posture was rigid, and Luke deduced just how tense Reid felt.
Reid said in a soft, serious voice, "First I have a question. Would you have said all those things to someone else? If I hadn't done those awful things, would you have told me all that?"
Luke let go so that he could walk in front of Reid and look him in the eye. He wasn't shocked by this question as he'd given it some thought himself. Hell, all he'd been doing for the past few months was thinking about Reid and what had happened to them, so he doubted Reid could surprise him with any question related to their past. That didn't mean the answers were easy, though. He replied, "Honestly? I don't know. I'm sure I would over time. But given the way we seem to have formalized everything with our friendship, then moving on seemed to require something more than usual, too. I probably gave it a lot more thought than if we'd just met each other at some bar randomly. Does it matter?" He reached out and gently intertwined the fingers of one hand with Reid's.
Reid sighed, squeezing Luke's hand. "It does. You see, I can't forget the look on your face when I said those things in the cabin. And I can't forget how I stormed out of that party years ago without listening to you and then being the reason Grimaldi went bankrupt."
"Reid…" Luke began, wanting to console the other man. This self-recrimination was unnecessary. Luke couldn't forget the look on Reid's face in the cabin or how the older man's cruel words had made him feel, but that didn't mean he wanted to dwell on it. And he definitely didn't want Reid to linger on those thoughts forever.
Reid put a hand up to stop him from talking. "But I can't let that define me no matter how ashamed I feel. And I can't let it define our relationship. I thought I might be able to do friendship with you even if you never truly forgave me or got over our problems…my problems, but I don't know if that's really true, and I'm sure I couldn't do more without…well…knowing that you believe I'm not going to hurt you again. At least not like I did before. I can't promise I won't piss you off…in fact, I think it's a given that I will…but I believe I can control myself and not lash out at you. I need you to believe that, too. In me." He stared into Luke's eyes as he brought his free hand up to clasp Luke's. He added in a low, gruff voice, "I need you to believe in me."
Before Luke could say anything, he quickly said, "And I know that's probably asking too much, and that you'll probably want to go back to being friends. I'm not sure how you can look at me and not be reminded of what you lost or the things I've said and done. But I don't know how we can go back to being friends because the truth for me is this: I don't know how to be near you and not feel drawn to you. I've tried to stop it. I have, but I can't control it, and…" He swallowed hard, then softly uttered, "I can't stop it."
Reid closed his eyes in embarrassment. "This is all my stupid shrink's fault. 'Define me.' Who the hell even says that? Fuck, I'm just going to leave to start on my career writing tampon commercials and greeting cards."
Luke was part mesmerized and part dismayed by Reid's speech. Reid couldn't control his feelings for Luke? He felt drawn to him? Luke's stomach fluttered, hell, danced, at the idea. He just wanted to kiss him, but Luke needed to deal with Reid's fear first. "Uh, Reid? Before you do that, maybe I could answer? It's hard to get a word in when you're rambling like that."
Reid looked up as Luke, who had edged closer when Reid's eyes were closed, began to talk. The blond soothingly stroked the doctor's hands with his thumbs and said, "Look, it's not totally gone, but I'm not reminded as much anymore about the things you said in the cabin. When you came to the farm, I didn't think about the bad things. And when you whipped out that jar of pickles, I laughed. I didn't have some sort of bad knee-jerk reaction. And I don't think I would use that part of our past against you. Not again, anyway." Luke took a deep breath and spoke with as much sincerity and urgency as he could marshal. "I believe you're a good man, Reid, and maybe even the right man for me. And I believe I can forgive you. Completely. I may not be one-hundred percent there yet, but I have faith in myself, and that it will be soon. And all that stuff I said about respect and cherishing? Well, it's a two-way street. I expect to give as good as I get." He meant that, every word of it.
"But you're getting there? The forgiving thing, I mean?"
Luke wished he could smooth away the apprehension on Reid's face. Luke knew this conversation had to be killing the other man--Reid just wasn't the sort who would express worries and emotions easily. He found it reassuring that Reid was so obviously invested in making sure this relationship was right for both of them that he would lower his defenses this much. "Yeah, Reid. I would have never approached you yesterday if I thought I couldn't get over the past. Is that alright?" A small knot formed in Luke's stomach at the sudden thought of it being not fine.
Reid smiled. "That sounds reasonable. If you believe that, then I can, too."
Reid's easy trust in him warmed Luke.The blond said, "I shouldn't have made it all about me yesterday. I didn't mean to, but I needed to get those things off my chest. I should have realized that you needed time to sort things out--and Reid, if you think of anything else you need, then please tell me.
"And I absolutely do not want a relationship where one of us feels superior to the other in any way. At least not beyond my obviously better taste in movies, okay?" He hoped a joke was the right thing to say now.
Reid seemed to relax at last. Luke could feel the corded tension leave in Reid's hands. The doctor retorted, "Okay. But your love of Babe pretty much eliminates you from feeling superior to anyone about your taste in movies."
Luke tried to look arrogant as he said, "Nathan likes Babe. I asked him."
Snorting, Reid replied, "Like that helps your cause. Nathan's an idiot. His favorite movie is Mannequin."
Luke laughed, feeling like the storm was behind them. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Reid's trim waist. "So, we're okay?" he whispered into Reid's neck.
Reid turned his head and nipped Luke's ear with his teeth. "Better than okay."
Click for Part Two