My Stardust Melody, Chapter 43
From the moment his phone started singing, "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)," Reid had known it was over. No, that wasn't right. He'd known from the moment Luke said, "I can't do this, not like this," that their friendship was over. And the appointed time for the end was seven o'clock according to Luke's text.
What else could it be? What else could Luke possibly be thinking? Luke had as good as told Henry that nothing Henry tried would get Luke and Reid together. That Henry had made things "impossible."
And the dawning realization on Luke's face when Reid had said they were still friends "as always," that was the nail in Reid's coffin. Luke knew Reid didn't really want friendship, and that had to change everything.
Luke must be planning to pull the trigger that evening. He hadn't even arrived, and Reid already felt like his chest was bleeding out.
He couldn't blame Luke. Not after Reid had bankrupted him and then treated him like he was some sort of money-mad parasite. How could Luke forgive those things?
The kiss and what followed had been a mistake. Reid should have stopped it. And it was his fault. Luke might have leaned in, but it was Reid who had grazed Luke's handsome face with his hand.
He just hadn't been able to stop himself.
It was Luke.
Fuck.
Reid lay face down on his leather sofa with an empty beer bottle dangling from his fingertips. He swung it like a pendulum, risking it flying off and breaking. Nathan wasn't home and was likely out for the rest of the night, so Reid could mope as much as he wanted without being asked questions.
The only other option Reid could come up with about Luke's intentions was that Luke was coming here to remind Reid that there friendship would always be just that. At this point, Reid didn't know if he could take it. Not after touching Luke again. Luke's wishes had been crystal clear in this regard--he'd told Henry point blank that nothing Henry tried would bring Luke and Reid together.
Reid thought about trying to catch a surgical case at work, but that would just delay the inevitable. He owed it to Luke to have a face-to-face confrontation, no matter how painful. At least the Band-Aid would be ripped off, and Reid could work on healing.
Ha, maybe he'd be wrong, and Luke was coming over to say he wanted to start a relationship. Reid snorted at the hilarity of that thought. Not fucking likely.
Luke had made it clear that he wanted to be just friends all along. Even today, he'd asked, "We're still friends, right?" And then Reid was sure he screwed everything up with his pained response. Luke saw through it. Reid knew it. And now Luke was going to come over here and say he couldn't deal with Reid's more-than-friendly desires.
None of this would have happened, of course, if Reid hadn’t blown everything up in the cabin with his crazy accusations to Luke. The crumpled expression on Luke’s face that night…Reid swallowed back his self-disgust. As his therapist had said, that moment didn’t have to define him or his relationship with Luke. Regardless, he’d been over that moment more times than he could remember, always wanting to change it somehow. Always wanting to prove that he’d changed since then. Well, it was too late for that chance now.
Reid's shrink was going to make a mint over this. Hell, he'd probably be able to build an entire beach house from the money Reid was shoveling toward him.
Luke knocked on the door about five minutes after seven. Reid took a large chug of beer, plopped the bottle on the kitchen counter, and opened the door with the liquid still in his mouth. He motioned Luke in wordlessly with a bob of his head as he tried to swallow.
Luke went into the kitchen and stood near the refrigerator. Reid went around to the other side of the counter and rested his hips against it. He looked at the blond, who was dressed neatly in blue jeans and a form-hugging, tan sweater. Luke's hair was swept back off his face, and Reid noticed Luke seemed to be growing it out as it would certainly block his brown eyes if it fell forward. In alternate circumstances, Reid would have thought Luke looked hot. Now, despite the fluttery feeling in his gut, Reid kind of wished Luke had dressed in burlap or worn hot pink--Luke probably would have still looked good, but probably not as good as this.
Reid also wished he'd given some thought to what he was wearing. It might have been nice to remind Luke of what he was missing. He was in the same grey Oxford shirt and pants that he was wearing earlier. Hell, there was probably still flour on his ass from being in that stupid closet.
"Reid," Luke began with a hint of nervousness. He ran his fingers along the fine edge of the creamy granite.
"This is your show, Luke. Whatever you have to say, say it." Reid's gaze drifted over to the refrigerator behind Luke. And then I'm going to finish off the case of beer once you get the hell out of here.
"Today changed things."
Reid nodded as steadily as he could given that his heart was pounding in his chest. He felt like a gun was pointed at him.
"We've been skirting around this for weeks, but I feel like we can't avoid it anymore."
The gun was cocked, and Reid readied for the firing.
Luke continued, "Crap, I thought I had this rehearsed well enough, but now I can't think. You see…it's…"
Reid closed his eyes in gloomy anticipation.
"Crap," Luke cried. "I know you're probably not even interested, and that today was probably some sort of release for you in a tight space, and you've only ever said you wanted to be friends with me, but given that you did kiss me back and I thought there was a look on your face when you said goodbye that was--well, never mind--and there were other times…" Luke took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes.
Reid waited, uncertain if he was being given a reprieve. He'd opened his eyes while Luke was in the midst of his speech to see that the younger man had turned a deep shade of pink while rambling. Whatever Luke was about to say, it was difficult for him. Part of Reid wanted to make this easier for Luke. Another part of Reid felt frustrated because he just wanted Luke to get this over with. Just say it.
Luke took another deep breath, tipped up his chin, and declared, "I still want to be cherished."
What? This wasn't exactly the pistol shot Reid was expecting. What the hell did that mean? Was Luke planning on pointing out all of Reid's deficiencies of character before squeezing the trigger? "Ohhhh--kay."
"It's not enough for me to date someone because of sex…or money…or really anything other than a desire to build a life together. I need someone who respects me, makes me feel wanted. Cherished. Sorry, that's the best word I can think of for it."
Honestly, this explanation of Luke's was probably more torture than if the younger man had just waltzed in and said, "Goodbye." Luke obviously thought Reid could never be the one to cherish him. Luke was wrong, but it was a fair assessment--and not one that Reid would challenge. "Luke. It's okay. I know what I've done. And what that means now. I…I won't fight you." Then why did those words taste so bitter?
"I hope not."
Reid's heart sank even lower. He swallowed back a lump in his throat. Wow, Luke's truly done.
"The thing is…Reid…I realized today that you already make me feel that way. My head may need a little time catching up, but I was hoping you might want to try."
Reid's gaze sharpened on Luke with a hunter's intensity. He wondered if he was still having the same conversation. He'd heard the words Luke said, but they just didn't make sense. "Try?"
Luke dipped his head and glanced up. "A relationship?" he said nervously.
"Is that a question?" Luke couldn't mean this, could he? Reid could almost hear a buzzing in his head from the shock.
"No. I want a relationship," Luke said with more authority. Softly, he repeated as he walked around the counter toward Reid, "I want a relationship with you. But only if there's a chance you can be that guy who appreciates me. I don't want what my parents had. I want something better--for me and for my siblings. And I have to know that you'd be there for them, too. You can't date me and cut yourself off from the kids. It just doesn't work that way."
Reid couldn't form words. His body slumped onto a stool of its own accord. It was like his brain was so overloaded that it forgot to tell his body to keep standing. The doctor felt like he was hallucinating and glanced at his beer on the counter. Maybe Henry had switched it for absinthe. He realized Luke was still talking but Reid had no idea what the other man was saying. Blinking his eyes a few times, he looked at Luke and saw the younger man's worried but hopeful expression, and Reid suddenly felt the embryonic feeling of joy arise in his hollow chest.
"You don't have to make up your mind today," Luke said. "Unless you're completely not interested, that is. I may have misunderstood. You've never actually said anything that made me think you wanted anything other than friendship, but my feelings have become a problem for me…but I can deal. And I know you talk to John a lot, so maybe there's something there and I'm too late…"
Reid tried to move his mouth to get it to talk. His tongue felt dry. He cleared his throat and finally managed, "I'm sorry. I'm just…stunned. I thought…" that you were about to tell me to go to hell. He shook his head and blinked some more. "John? The barrista? No, we're just friends," he said absently. It still hadn't quite hit him. "Wait! All I had to do was say something? Like I could have come up and said, 'I'll take the whole enchilada,' and you would have gone out with me?" Something about that struck Reid as kind of hilarious. Hysterical, even. He'd been so sure Luke was out of his reach….
Relief flooded Luke's eyes. "Well, I'm not sure that phrase would have done it, but yeah, I would have thought hard about it. I don't think I was sure until today."
Reid sat up straighter on his stool. "I thought you were coming here to break up with me." He was too damn dumbfounded to even contemplate what was happening.
"Uh, were we going out?" Luke asked, puzzled.
"No, the friendship. I thought you were going to tell me to get out of your life." His voice still sounded a little breathless and dreamlike. His brain seemed to be functioning on autopilot. He still couldn't believe that this wasn't the reason Luke was here. A relationship? Reid would never have presumed such a thing was even possible.
"Why would you think that?"
Reid started to wake up to this new reality, and his gaze focused more sharply on Luke. "Because when you stopped kissing me you said you couldn't 'do this', and then you told Henry that he'd ruined everything, that his little tricks would never work, and I'm pretty sure you could read my face when I said we were still friends." Christ, are you really trying to argue this with Luke? What the hell are you doing?
Luke looked befuddled. "I said all that? Well, I got cut off in the closet. What I was going to say was that I couldn't have sex with a guy without knowing that there was something more serious between us, and I told Henry his stupid games wouldn't work because they wouldn't. If we were going to get together, it would be because you and I wanted it, not because Henry played bad music and locked us in every closet in town. And I wasn't quite sure what to make of your face. You were kind of saying one thing and maybe meaning another.
"So you think we might start something today?" Luke asked with a little shyness. "You don't seem thrilled by this to be honest."
"Luke, I can honestly say this is the last thing I thought you'd ever say to me," Reid said. "I'm still not sure I didn't have a few too many beers, and I'm going to wake up on that sofa in a minute."
"Do you want to wake up?"
Reid stood up with his brain fully engaged now. "No. I may have been a little clueless about how you felt, but I'm not an idiot. I'm…I'm overwhelmed, honestly. And grateful. After what I did, I never thought…Well, I never thought this would happen. I never even let myself think about it because it would be so pointless. But I don't have to think about it to know it's exactly what I want. You're what I want. Any way I can have you." Reid, probably for the first time in his life, felt like dancing.
Luke breathed, "Thank god," as he leaned toward Reid and kissed him. Reid barely had time to realize what was happening when the blond leaned back and said, "I wasn't sure if you felt the same way I did."
Reid smiled and took Luke's hand in his own. "I do." They stayed that way for a minute, basking in the happiness of the moment and just beginning to understand the promise of a future they’d never thought they could have.
Luke straightened, squared his shoulders, and said, "I mean it, though, Reid. I've fought hard for my own self-respect, and I need to know that the person I'm with respects and appreciates me. And you'll have to be understanding of the fact that I'm raising a family. The kids, while they're in the house, will always be my first priority. So, I have to ask if you're prepared for all that. I have to show them a relationship of stability and mutual respect. I won't settle for less."
A niggle of worry crept in to Reid's thoughts. "Luke, you've got to know I'm not the romantic type. My idea of sentiment is leaving the last doughnut… And I have no experience with kids outside of the operating room."
"Reid…I'm not really talking about either of those things. We're just at the beginning here and I’m not trying to make demands of candlelit dinners or anything like that. Those are just gestures, and if they're not you, they're not you. And I'm not saying you have to be great with kids--that usually takes time. Just so long as you treat them well. But, I’m only talking about how I expect to be treated by the person I'm with--I want my words taken seriously. I want to be considered in big decisions. I want to be seen for who I am and appreciated. I want to live my life and not be controlled by someone else. Damian and my dad both had perfect versions of my mom in their head and they each tried to control her in their own ways. And my mom…fuck…she kept secrets. She swung between putting her entire being into the other man's hands or refusing to include them whatsoever. I guess at the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that I need to feel like we could be partners in life--that including each other in important matters is something you want and think you could do. That you would respect my decisions and I yours, and that we wouldn't go crazy trying to force the other person into doing what we wanted."
"I can promise to try, Luke. You know my history…I don't think of myself as controlling, well not outside of the operating room. But I'm not someone who tends to spew every thought that comes into my head."
Luke shook his head. "I'm not asking to invade your privacy. I'm just talking about big decisions, like if you decided to move to Kansas City or something. But if I choose to share something smaller--if it's important to me--then I want to know I’m being listened to. God knows I watched my mom bounce between men because she felt like she wasn't be heard by the other. It was a painful lesson for me, and I don't want the kids to see me in that kind of light ever. If I have a healthy relationship, it's going to help them want something good for themselves when they're older. That's really important to me."
"If you're asking me to respect your choices and be happy as hell to have you in my life, then I think I can promise that much. I don't think I've looked at another guy since coming here, and I can't imagine that will change now. But I can't promise perfection. I've got a demanding schedule, and when I'm in the midst of a difficult case, it's hard for me to think of much else. And I'm awful sometimes at reading other people. If you think something is important, you might have to jump up and down and do cartwheels to get me to realize it."
Luke ran his hand along Reid’s shoulder and squeezed. His smile reassured Reid as Luke said, "I'd be crazy not to know you're busy and very involved with your work. Your dedication is part of what I find attractive about you. Just so long as you come up for air from time to time, and make some sort of effort to spend time with me. We can work on the details. We're on a good footing now; I just want to keep an eye on the future.”
Reid waited for Luke to continue and tried to ignore his grumbling stomach. Reid’s appetite had returned to full strength from the happy moment Luke had said he wanted a relationship.
Luke said, "And to be honest, what I’m offering you at the moment isn't exactly a bed of roses. Eventually, I want a life where I can spend more time with the people I love. I want something mundane and normal. But I'm not there yet. It's not going to be you coming home from work and having dinner with me every night. I'm not even sure I can guarantee one night a week like that for the next few months.”
At Reid’s nod of understanding, Luke added, "There's a lot to get done between now and May, and it's going to take up a lot of my time. I didn't really expect to have one Derby contender this year, least of all two. I have to go for it. I have to. If I commit everything I can to it, I could erase all my financial problems in a day. But they say you go to the Derby to run in it, not to win it--and you have to understand that I don't expect to win. So, I can't even come close to promising that my schedule will ease up after this summer. Things might not work out, and I may still have a ton of debt to pay. And I haven't even mentioned school yet."
Reid thought about it for a moment. "It would be shittily hypocritical of me to criticize your commitment to your career when mine is going to cause easily as many problems."
"Yeah," Luke said. "But you're a neurosurgeon. I'm just…"
Reid interrupted. "Don't finish that sentence. You race in the 'sport of kings,' or so Henry tells me, and you do it to provide for your family. It's important. Everything you do is important."
Luke caressed Reid's shoulder. "So, could you 'do' a relationship?" Just as Reid was about to answer, Luke put up his hand. "No wait, don't answer. There's something else we need to talk about.” He drew a shaky breath, which made Reid feel nervous in response. Luke said after a moment’s hesitation, “I lied to you two years ago about who I am, and if I hadn't been in on that scheme with Damian, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. I cost you your job, and I feel awful about it. But I need to know if you've forgiven me. I couldn’t blame you if you’re still angry."
"Luke, how could I be upset with you after what I did to you?" The comparison was ridiculous in Reid's eyes.
Luke’s eyes were full of both sincerity and self-doubt as he grasped Reid’s hand tightly between his own. "Reid, I lied to you, and no matter how many excuses I had, it wasn't right. I'm part of a crime family, and I didn't tell you. Then I hid my relationship with Julian and the reason for the party. You rightfully have trust issues, and, from the moment we met, I trampled right over them. I need to know that this won't stand between us. That you aren't just looking at what you did and forgetting my transgressions."
"I forgave that a while ago. And, no, not just because I think I did something worse to you."
"You did?" Luke asked with surprise.
"Yeah,” Reid said, pulling Luke a little closer to him. “Who could watch you with those kids and not sympathize with you wanting to do everything you could to protect them? Besides, you barely knew me. How were you to know that I wouldn't take the fact that you were nearly bankrupt and blab it to everyone at the party? Oh wait, that is what I did."
Luke was shaking his head before Reid had even finished speaking. He said, "Reid, it wasn't your fault. I'm lucky not to be in jail."
Reid smiled. "Conjugal visits would have been kind of hot." He reached up and brushed his fingers across Luke’s jawline and experienced a sense of wonder at the fact that he was now allowed to touch Luke.
Luke laughed, then something like regret flitted through his eyes. Reid felt another pang of worry hit his stomach as the blond said, "That reminds me. There's…one more thing."
Reid didn't care what obstacle Luke threw at him; it wasn't going to change the doctor's mind. "Are you going to continue trying to talk me out of this? Seems like a bad plan after I already said, 'Yes.'"
Luke gave him an apologetic smile. "It's the last thing. I promise, and it's important." He inhaled deeply before saying, "I'd like…I'd like to take things slow. Until we know…until we both know that this relationship is solid, and unless or until we're in love, I'm not ready to jump back in bed with you. Sex complicates things-- that sounds like a speech I'd give to Faith or Natalie, or, god-help-me, Ethan one day, but it's true. It certainly did for us in the past. And unless sex really means something to me, it's just not worth having anymore. I've kind of been there and done that, and I don't want to go there again unless I'm sure I'm with the right person."
Reid felt some small distress at Luke's declaration. Reid was so sure Luke was the right guy that it smarted a bit to know Luke wasn't quite there yet. Love? Well, Reid wasn't sure that was even possible, but who knew? Reid wouldn't rule it out where Luke was concerned. And that was saying a lot coming from a guy who always thought romantic love was some sort of affliction. Despite his current disappointment, however, he admired Luke's forthrightness. "I understand. To be honest, I don't attach quite as much meaning to sex as you do, but I'd be willing to give it a try. We're not talking years, right?"
Luke snorted. "No. Not years. If we're not sure in a few months at most, then I think we can safely say this thing isn't going to work."
It's going to work. "I'm not really good at holding back--I'll warn you. You might have to pinch me to remind me or something. Maybe play some more Phil Collins…or just bring Henry around."
"So, is your answer still a yes?" Luke asked.
"Well, despite your best effort to talk me out of it, you're stuck with me." An awful thought occurred to him, and he asked, "Wait, I don't have to keep my hands totally off you, do I?"
Luke flushed and scratched at the back of his neck. "No, not at all. Preferably not."
Reid liked the sound of that. "So…can I kiss you…now?"
"Absolutely."
In the last moment before oblivion took over, Reid couldn't believe that this was now his life. He lived in a world where he could kiss Luke Snyder and call him his own. It should have scared the hell out of him…but it didn't.
A/N Many thanks to by longtime beta franchop for sticking with me through this story. Alas, RL has interfered, so it's just me checking my grammar and diction from here on out. Lemondrop34 is still giving me a major hand with the content. Franchop deserves a major round of applause for taking on my writing--at a guess, I'd say she's checked close to 300,000 words or more of my work! That's some serious dedication!
What else could it be? What else could Luke possibly be thinking? Luke had as good as told Henry that nothing Henry tried would get Luke and Reid together. That Henry had made things "impossible."
And the dawning realization on Luke's face when Reid had said they were still friends "as always," that was the nail in Reid's coffin. Luke knew Reid didn't really want friendship, and that had to change everything.
Luke must be planning to pull the trigger that evening. He hadn't even arrived, and Reid already felt like his chest was bleeding out.
He couldn't blame Luke. Not after Reid had bankrupted him and then treated him like he was some sort of money-mad parasite. How could Luke forgive those things?
The kiss and what followed had been a mistake. Reid should have stopped it. And it was his fault. Luke might have leaned in, but it was Reid who had grazed Luke's handsome face with his hand.
He just hadn't been able to stop himself.
It was Luke.
Fuck.
Reid lay face down on his leather sofa with an empty beer bottle dangling from his fingertips. He swung it like a pendulum, risking it flying off and breaking. Nathan wasn't home and was likely out for the rest of the night, so Reid could mope as much as he wanted without being asked questions.
The only other option Reid could come up with about Luke's intentions was that Luke was coming here to remind Reid that there friendship would always be just that. At this point, Reid didn't know if he could take it. Not after touching Luke again. Luke's wishes had been crystal clear in this regard--he'd told Henry point blank that nothing Henry tried would bring Luke and Reid together.
Reid thought about trying to catch a surgical case at work, but that would just delay the inevitable. He owed it to Luke to have a face-to-face confrontation, no matter how painful. At least the Band-Aid would be ripped off, and Reid could work on healing.
Ha, maybe he'd be wrong, and Luke was coming over to say he wanted to start a relationship. Reid snorted at the hilarity of that thought. Not fucking likely.
Luke had made it clear that he wanted to be just friends all along. Even today, he'd asked, "We're still friends, right?" And then Reid was sure he screwed everything up with his pained response. Luke saw through it. Reid knew it. And now Luke was going to come over here and say he couldn't deal with Reid's more-than-friendly desires.
None of this would have happened, of course, if Reid hadn’t blown everything up in the cabin with his crazy accusations to Luke. The crumpled expression on Luke’s face that night…Reid swallowed back his self-disgust. As his therapist had said, that moment didn’t have to define him or his relationship with Luke. Regardless, he’d been over that moment more times than he could remember, always wanting to change it somehow. Always wanting to prove that he’d changed since then. Well, it was too late for that chance now.
Reid's shrink was going to make a mint over this. Hell, he'd probably be able to build an entire beach house from the money Reid was shoveling toward him.
Luke knocked on the door about five minutes after seven. Reid took a large chug of beer, plopped the bottle on the kitchen counter, and opened the door with the liquid still in his mouth. He motioned Luke in wordlessly with a bob of his head as he tried to swallow.
Luke went into the kitchen and stood near the refrigerator. Reid went around to the other side of the counter and rested his hips against it. He looked at the blond, who was dressed neatly in blue jeans and a form-hugging, tan sweater. Luke's hair was swept back off his face, and Reid noticed Luke seemed to be growing it out as it would certainly block his brown eyes if it fell forward. In alternate circumstances, Reid would have thought Luke looked hot. Now, despite the fluttery feeling in his gut, Reid kind of wished Luke had dressed in burlap or worn hot pink--Luke probably would have still looked good, but probably not as good as this.
Reid also wished he'd given some thought to what he was wearing. It might have been nice to remind Luke of what he was missing. He was in the same grey Oxford shirt and pants that he was wearing earlier. Hell, there was probably still flour on his ass from being in that stupid closet.
"Reid," Luke began with a hint of nervousness. He ran his fingers along the fine edge of the creamy granite.
"This is your show, Luke. Whatever you have to say, say it." Reid's gaze drifted over to the refrigerator behind Luke. And then I'm going to finish off the case of beer once you get the hell out of here.
"Today changed things."
Reid nodded as steadily as he could given that his heart was pounding in his chest. He felt like a gun was pointed at him.
"We've been skirting around this for weeks, but I feel like we can't avoid it anymore."
The gun was cocked, and Reid readied for the firing.
Luke continued, "Crap, I thought I had this rehearsed well enough, but now I can't think. You see…it's…"
Reid closed his eyes in gloomy anticipation.
"Crap," Luke cried. "I know you're probably not even interested, and that today was probably some sort of release for you in a tight space, and you've only ever said you wanted to be friends with me, but given that you did kiss me back and I thought there was a look on your face when you said goodbye that was--well, never mind--and there were other times…" Luke took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes.
Reid waited, uncertain if he was being given a reprieve. He'd opened his eyes while Luke was in the midst of his speech to see that the younger man had turned a deep shade of pink while rambling. Whatever Luke was about to say, it was difficult for him. Part of Reid wanted to make this easier for Luke. Another part of Reid felt frustrated because he just wanted Luke to get this over with. Just say it.
Luke took another deep breath, tipped up his chin, and declared, "I still want to be cherished."
What? This wasn't exactly the pistol shot Reid was expecting. What the hell did that mean? Was Luke planning on pointing out all of Reid's deficiencies of character before squeezing the trigger? "Ohhhh--kay."
"It's not enough for me to date someone because of sex…or money…or really anything other than a desire to build a life together. I need someone who respects me, makes me feel wanted. Cherished. Sorry, that's the best word I can think of for it."
Honestly, this explanation of Luke's was probably more torture than if the younger man had just waltzed in and said, "Goodbye." Luke obviously thought Reid could never be the one to cherish him. Luke was wrong, but it was a fair assessment--and not one that Reid would challenge. "Luke. It's okay. I know what I've done. And what that means now. I…I won't fight you." Then why did those words taste so bitter?
"I hope not."
Reid's heart sank even lower. He swallowed back a lump in his throat. Wow, Luke's truly done.
"The thing is…Reid…I realized today that you already make me feel that way. My head may need a little time catching up, but I was hoping you might want to try."
Reid's gaze sharpened on Luke with a hunter's intensity. He wondered if he was still having the same conversation. He'd heard the words Luke said, but they just didn't make sense. "Try?"
Luke dipped his head and glanced up. "A relationship?" he said nervously.
"Is that a question?" Luke couldn't mean this, could he? Reid could almost hear a buzzing in his head from the shock.
"No. I want a relationship," Luke said with more authority. Softly, he repeated as he walked around the counter toward Reid, "I want a relationship with you. But only if there's a chance you can be that guy who appreciates me. I don't want what my parents had. I want something better--for me and for my siblings. And I have to know that you'd be there for them, too. You can't date me and cut yourself off from the kids. It just doesn't work that way."
Reid couldn't form words. His body slumped onto a stool of its own accord. It was like his brain was so overloaded that it forgot to tell his body to keep standing. The doctor felt like he was hallucinating and glanced at his beer on the counter. Maybe Henry had switched it for absinthe. He realized Luke was still talking but Reid had no idea what the other man was saying. Blinking his eyes a few times, he looked at Luke and saw the younger man's worried but hopeful expression, and Reid suddenly felt the embryonic feeling of joy arise in his hollow chest.
"You don't have to make up your mind today," Luke said. "Unless you're completely not interested, that is. I may have misunderstood. You've never actually said anything that made me think you wanted anything other than friendship, but my feelings have become a problem for me…but I can deal. And I know you talk to John a lot, so maybe there's something there and I'm too late…"
Reid tried to move his mouth to get it to talk. His tongue felt dry. He cleared his throat and finally managed, "I'm sorry. I'm just…stunned. I thought…" that you were about to tell me to go to hell. He shook his head and blinked some more. "John? The barrista? No, we're just friends," he said absently. It still hadn't quite hit him. "Wait! All I had to do was say something? Like I could have come up and said, 'I'll take the whole enchilada,' and you would have gone out with me?" Something about that struck Reid as kind of hilarious. Hysterical, even. He'd been so sure Luke was out of his reach….
Relief flooded Luke's eyes. "Well, I'm not sure that phrase would have done it, but yeah, I would have thought hard about it. I don't think I was sure until today."
Reid sat up straighter on his stool. "I thought you were coming here to break up with me." He was too damn dumbfounded to even contemplate what was happening.
"Uh, were we going out?" Luke asked, puzzled.
"No, the friendship. I thought you were going to tell me to get out of your life." His voice still sounded a little breathless and dreamlike. His brain seemed to be functioning on autopilot. He still couldn't believe that this wasn't the reason Luke was here. A relationship? Reid would never have presumed such a thing was even possible.
"Why would you think that?"
Reid started to wake up to this new reality, and his gaze focused more sharply on Luke. "Because when you stopped kissing me you said you couldn't 'do this', and then you told Henry that he'd ruined everything, that his little tricks would never work, and I'm pretty sure you could read my face when I said we were still friends." Christ, are you really trying to argue this with Luke? What the hell are you doing?
Luke looked befuddled. "I said all that? Well, I got cut off in the closet. What I was going to say was that I couldn't have sex with a guy without knowing that there was something more serious between us, and I told Henry his stupid games wouldn't work because they wouldn't. If we were going to get together, it would be because you and I wanted it, not because Henry played bad music and locked us in every closet in town. And I wasn't quite sure what to make of your face. You were kind of saying one thing and maybe meaning another.
"So you think we might start something today?" Luke asked with a little shyness. "You don't seem thrilled by this to be honest."
"Luke, I can honestly say this is the last thing I thought you'd ever say to me," Reid said. "I'm still not sure I didn't have a few too many beers, and I'm going to wake up on that sofa in a minute."
"Do you want to wake up?"
Reid stood up with his brain fully engaged now. "No. I may have been a little clueless about how you felt, but I'm not an idiot. I'm…I'm overwhelmed, honestly. And grateful. After what I did, I never thought…Well, I never thought this would happen. I never even let myself think about it because it would be so pointless. But I don't have to think about it to know it's exactly what I want. You're what I want. Any way I can have you." Reid, probably for the first time in his life, felt like dancing.
Luke breathed, "Thank god," as he leaned toward Reid and kissed him. Reid barely had time to realize what was happening when the blond leaned back and said, "I wasn't sure if you felt the same way I did."
Reid smiled and took Luke's hand in his own. "I do." They stayed that way for a minute, basking in the happiness of the moment and just beginning to understand the promise of a future they’d never thought they could have.
Luke straightened, squared his shoulders, and said, "I mean it, though, Reid. I've fought hard for my own self-respect, and I need to know that the person I'm with respects and appreciates me. And you'll have to be understanding of the fact that I'm raising a family. The kids, while they're in the house, will always be my first priority. So, I have to ask if you're prepared for all that. I have to show them a relationship of stability and mutual respect. I won't settle for less."
A niggle of worry crept in to Reid's thoughts. "Luke, you've got to know I'm not the romantic type. My idea of sentiment is leaving the last doughnut… And I have no experience with kids outside of the operating room."
"Reid…I'm not really talking about either of those things. We're just at the beginning here and I’m not trying to make demands of candlelit dinners or anything like that. Those are just gestures, and if they're not you, they're not you. And I'm not saying you have to be great with kids--that usually takes time. Just so long as you treat them well. But, I’m only talking about how I expect to be treated by the person I'm with--I want my words taken seriously. I want to be considered in big decisions. I want to be seen for who I am and appreciated. I want to live my life and not be controlled by someone else. Damian and my dad both had perfect versions of my mom in their head and they each tried to control her in their own ways. And my mom…fuck…she kept secrets. She swung between putting her entire being into the other man's hands or refusing to include them whatsoever. I guess at the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that I need to feel like we could be partners in life--that including each other in important matters is something you want and think you could do. That you would respect my decisions and I yours, and that we wouldn't go crazy trying to force the other person into doing what we wanted."
"I can promise to try, Luke. You know my history…I don't think of myself as controlling, well not outside of the operating room. But I'm not someone who tends to spew every thought that comes into my head."
Luke shook his head. "I'm not asking to invade your privacy. I'm just talking about big decisions, like if you decided to move to Kansas City or something. But if I choose to share something smaller--if it's important to me--then I want to know I’m being listened to. God knows I watched my mom bounce between men because she felt like she wasn't be heard by the other. It was a painful lesson for me, and I don't want the kids to see me in that kind of light ever. If I have a healthy relationship, it's going to help them want something good for themselves when they're older. That's really important to me."
"If you're asking me to respect your choices and be happy as hell to have you in my life, then I think I can promise that much. I don't think I've looked at another guy since coming here, and I can't imagine that will change now. But I can't promise perfection. I've got a demanding schedule, and when I'm in the midst of a difficult case, it's hard for me to think of much else. And I'm awful sometimes at reading other people. If you think something is important, you might have to jump up and down and do cartwheels to get me to realize it."
Luke ran his hand along Reid’s shoulder and squeezed. His smile reassured Reid as Luke said, "I'd be crazy not to know you're busy and very involved with your work. Your dedication is part of what I find attractive about you. Just so long as you come up for air from time to time, and make some sort of effort to spend time with me. We can work on the details. We're on a good footing now; I just want to keep an eye on the future.”
Reid waited for Luke to continue and tried to ignore his grumbling stomach. Reid’s appetite had returned to full strength from the happy moment Luke had said he wanted a relationship.
Luke said, "And to be honest, what I’m offering you at the moment isn't exactly a bed of roses. Eventually, I want a life where I can spend more time with the people I love. I want something mundane and normal. But I'm not there yet. It's not going to be you coming home from work and having dinner with me every night. I'm not even sure I can guarantee one night a week like that for the next few months.”
At Reid’s nod of understanding, Luke added, "There's a lot to get done between now and May, and it's going to take up a lot of my time. I didn't really expect to have one Derby contender this year, least of all two. I have to go for it. I have to. If I commit everything I can to it, I could erase all my financial problems in a day. But they say you go to the Derby to run in it, not to win it--and you have to understand that I don't expect to win. So, I can't even come close to promising that my schedule will ease up after this summer. Things might not work out, and I may still have a ton of debt to pay. And I haven't even mentioned school yet."
Reid thought about it for a moment. "It would be shittily hypocritical of me to criticize your commitment to your career when mine is going to cause easily as many problems."
"Yeah," Luke said. "But you're a neurosurgeon. I'm just…"
Reid interrupted. "Don't finish that sentence. You race in the 'sport of kings,' or so Henry tells me, and you do it to provide for your family. It's important. Everything you do is important."
Luke caressed Reid's shoulder. "So, could you 'do' a relationship?" Just as Reid was about to answer, Luke put up his hand. "No wait, don't answer. There's something else we need to talk about.” He drew a shaky breath, which made Reid feel nervous in response. Luke said after a moment’s hesitation, “I lied to you two years ago about who I am, and if I hadn't been in on that scheme with Damian, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. I cost you your job, and I feel awful about it. But I need to know if you've forgiven me. I couldn’t blame you if you’re still angry."
"Luke, how could I be upset with you after what I did to you?" The comparison was ridiculous in Reid's eyes.
Luke’s eyes were full of both sincerity and self-doubt as he grasped Reid’s hand tightly between his own. "Reid, I lied to you, and no matter how many excuses I had, it wasn't right. I'm part of a crime family, and I didn't tell you. Then I hid my relationship with Julian and the reason for the party. You rightfully have trust issues, and, from the moment we met, I trampled right over them. I need to know that this won't stand between us. That you aren't just looking at what you did and forgetting my transgressions."
"I forgave that a while ago. And, no, not just because I think I did something worse to you."
"You did?" Luke asked with surprise.
"Yeah,” Reid said, pulling Luke a little closer to him. “Who could watch you with those kids and not sympathize with you wanting to do everything you could to protect them? Besides, you barely knew me. How were you to know that I wouldn't take the fact that you were nearly bankrupt and blab it to everyone at the party? Oh wait, that is what I did."
Luke was shaking his head before Reid had even finished speaking. He said, "Reid, it wasn't your fault. I'm lucky not to be in jail."
Reid smiled. "Conjugal visits would have been kind of hot." He reached up and brushed his fingers across Luke’s jawline and experienced a sense of wonder at the fact that he was now allowed to touch Luke.
Luke laughed, then something like regret flitted through his eyes. Reid felt another pang of worry hit his stomach as the blond said, "That reminds me. There's…one more thing."
Reid didn't care what obstacle Luke threw at him; it wasn't going to change the doctor's mind. "Are you going to continue trying to talk me out of this? Seems like a bad plan after I already said, 'Yes.'"
Luke gave him an apologetic smile. "It's the last thing. I promise, and it's important." He inhaled deeply before saying, "I'd like…I'd like to take things slow. Until we know…until we both know that this relationship is solid, and unless or until we're in love, I'm not ready to jump back in bed with you. Sex complicates things-- that sounds like a speech I'd give to Faith or Natalie, or, god-help-me, Ethan one day, but it's true. It certainly did for us in the past. And unless sex really means something to me, it's just not worth having anymore. I've kind of been there and done that, and I don't want to go there again unless I'm sure I'm with the right person."
Reid felt some small distress at Luke's declaration. Reid was so sure Luke was the right guy that it smarted a bit to know Luke wasn't quite there yet. Love? Well, Reid wasn't sure that was even possible, but who knew? Reid wouldn't rule it out where Luke was concerned. And that was saying a lot coming from a guy who always thought romantic love was some sort of affliction. Despite his current disappointment, however, he admired Luke's forthrightness. "I understand. To be honest, I don't attach quite as much meaning to sex as you do, but I'd be willing to give it a try. We're not talking years, right?"
Luke snorted. "No. Not years. If we're not sure in a few months at most, then I think we can safely say this thing isn't going to work."
It's going to work. "I'm not really good at holding back--I'll warn you. You might have to pinch me to remind me or something. Maybe play some more Phil Collins…or just bring Henry around."
"So, is your answer still a yes?" Luke asked.
"Well, despite your best effort to talk me out of it, you're stuck with me." An awful thought occurred to him, and he asked, "Wait, I don't have to keep my hands totally off you, do I?"
Luke flushed and scratched at the back of his neck. "No, not at all. Preferably not."
Reid liked the sound of that. "So…can I kiss you…now?"
"Absolutely."
In the last moment before oblivion took over, Reid couldn't believe that this was now his life. He lived in a world where he could kiss Luke Snyder and call him his own. It should have scared the hell out of him…but it didn't.
A/N Many thanks to by longtime beta franchop for sticking with me through this story. Alas, RL has interfered, so it's just me checking my grammar and diction from here on out. Lemondrop34 is still giving me a major hand with the content. Franchop deserves a major round of applause for taking on my writing--at a guess, I'd say she's checked close to 300,000 words or more of my work! That's some serious dedication!