Comments | petite_lambda: Dan Savage FTW Again

petite_lambda

Dan Savage FTW Again

Jan 19, 2011 22:41

Most of my problems with monogamy are not with monogamy per se, but with the way that it is commonly implemented. For example, a big pet peeve of mine is the unrealistic expectation that people in happy relationships will never be attracted to someone else. Dan Savage rants about it here much better than I would (in reply to a letter from a woman ( Read more... )

monogamy, relationships

Comments 15

leosapiens January 20 2011, 08:59:58 UTC

Problem is, with new crushes vs. old relationships, that a new crush is exciting and interesting, while your partner is comfortable and always there. So the new crush makes the partner feel justifiably threatened, in an "this other person is better than me in your eyes" way. And yes, it's obviously a problem with the relationship not with the crush, but dunno, I don't see how one can keep up with the level of excitement in a many years long relationship.

petite_lambda January 20 2011, 12:28:56 UTC

"So the new crush makes the partner feel justifiably threatened"

No, not justifiably, in my opinion. If, when your partner is excited about someone, you automatically interpret it as "so he no longer wants me, then" -- that is the problem. It's a non-sequitur! Attraction is not a zero sum game. There are many exciting people in the world. Having crushes only means that everything is all right -- with your eyes, heart and mind. The ability to recognize awesome people for what they are -- that ability doesn't magically go away when we are coupled. And it's not a bug, it's a feature. It's not a problem -- not in you, not in the crush, not in the relationship. It's just not a problem at all ( ... )

leosapiens January 20 2011, 13:18:13 UTC

Yeah, but how do you know for sure that what this other person has is not actually better than what you have? Enough for your partner to leave you for them? That maybe you lack what that person has, and all the comfort and security is not enough to cover for how damn boring you are to them, in face of this new danger.

I dunno, trust like that is more like a belief in yourself and that what you have to give pwns other things. Not easy to have. So I'd prefer to not hear about crushes, if there are any. Just.. Let them be, and go away, and I'd prefer my partner, and hell, myself, to know that while it's natural to have these feelings, it's necessary to kick them while they're starting, and feel they're wrong. To keep what you have. Cause people are never secure enough not to be threatened, and fear can kill whatever good you have.

petite_lambda January 20 2011, 22:56:33 UTC

I agree on one thing -- it's not necessarily a good idea to tell your partner about your crushes. That certainly is not for everyone, and if you're with someone who rather would not hear about it, then they shouldn't have to hear about it. It's common curtesy, and your partner should do the same to you.

I disagree about the rest, though:

"... all the comfort and security is not enough to cover for how damn boring you are to them, in face of this new danger"

But I know I'm not boring. Discovering other people who are also interesting (even if they are much smarter than me, and incredibly awesome!) is not going to suddenly make me boring in Danny's eyes. That's confidence.
"trust like that is more like a belief in yourself and that what you have to give pwns other things" -- no, that last bit is exactly wrong. I know that Danny values a lot what I have to offer, and that nobody in the world can give him that -- but not because I'm better than everybody else (I'm so not) -- it's because I'm different. People (good ones) are not ( ... )

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