None (there is nothing)
Why the fuck are there so many piece-a-shits?!!!! Right when I have sooooo many god damn little things to do for school all at once, my determination to work completely deserts me! For the first time in my life, I just DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT! Usually when I feel like this, I get a lot of angry energy and do something crazy and then I get over it, but this time I'm just so TIRED. So tired of all this bullshit that I'm too resigned to get angry, even though I want to be. I want to have that "It's me against the world" feeling where I'm so righteous. But it just won't come. I'm restless and bored and want to do SOMETHING, and yet I don't have the energy to do anything I can think of because I've already done it and im just tired of everything. This is a very general description and contains no real details of what I'm sick of and such. It sounds completely inane and stupid. THATS WHATS FRUSTRATING. Just like office space! It seems like every day of school, when I get out, I'm a little more frustrated than I was the day before. Logically, this should be building up to something, but it won't come! There's no massive fountain of release, like a volcano, NOTHING! Sort of like that feeling you get when you think you might vomit and you just want to get it over with already, because you know you'll feel better after you do. Its just a feeling and I dont get too upset or angry, I just don't know what to do.
The Highlight of my fucking day was when I got on the school elevator and went up one floor. It was such a release. Why? because there were violins playing out in the commons near the elevator that I could hear faintly, and other than that it was just the humm of the cables pulling me upward. In the midst of the music and nondescript white noise, a feeling something like vacation swept over me. I imagined I was somewhere far away in a huge hotel, just doing nothing but riding up and down the elevator, and that when I wanted to go to the room there would be no one there. Just a peaceful, awesome room for me far away somewhere, hopefully with a good view of something for me to contemplate during my hours of just sitting and not being frustrated or having to do anything. I think what made those moments so amazing was that, just for that time, there was absolutely nothing to cement me to my true location. According to my perception (which is my only reality), I really could have been somewhere else. That was the only part of my day when I didn't have to be reminded in every waking moment where I was and what I had to do and who I had to be. I was nothing and I was nowhere in particular, inside an elevator that could, just maybe, not be going anywhere at all. I feel like my life could, just maybe, not be going anywhere at all. But instead of that being a reassurance like the elevator experience, it feels more like im falling than rising.
The Highlight of my fucking day was when I got on the school elevator and went up one floor. It was such a release. Why? because there were violins playing out in the commons near the elevator that I could hear faintly, and other than that it was just the humm of the cables pulling me upward. In the midst of the music and nondescript white noise, a feeling something like vacation swept over me. I imagined I was somewhere far away in a huge hotel, just doing nothing but riding up and down the elevator, and that when I wanted to go to the room there would be no one there. Just a peaceful, awesome room for me far away somewhere, hopefully with a good view of something for me to contemplate during my hours of just sitting and not being frustrated or having to do anything. I think what made those moments so amazing was that, just for that time, there was absolutely nothing to cement me to my true location. According to my perception (which is my only reality), I really could have been somewhere else. That was the only part of my day when I didn't have to be reminded in every waking moment where I was and what I had to do and who I had to be. I was nothing and I was nowhere in particular, inside an elevator that could, just maybe, not be going anywhere at all. I feel like my life could, just maybe, not be going anywhere at all. But instead of that being a reassurance like the elevator experience, it feels more like im falling than rising.